husband frustrations

Morrigainz · February 17, 2012

@jdanger: holy sh!t that's hot! love it!

@susie: he can follow directions on a box...i'm not sure if it's laziness or fear of failing that prevents his branching out to things such as scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes....

@m00se: yes. how can it be that difficult??

LRB · February 17, 2012

I know you say he won't read the whole spezzy post, but what about just printing out and showing him the picture of her posing in the NF tank top? You could hand it to him and say "she deadlifts 350 lbs, squats [whatever], and bench-presses [whatever]" and then just walk away. Your point will have been made, but if your husband is anything like mine, he needs space for his brain to process what you've said and reach the logical conclusion -- if it were me, and I were to stay and continue talking, he'd just resist what I had to say.

Morrigainz · February 17, 2012

Or maybe instead of shoving it in his face, I'll pin it up for inspiration....Spezzy, will you be my pin up girl?

bigm141414 · February 17, 2012

Where reason and logic fail perhaps we can appeal to his.. baser instincts?

Hulking she-beasts the lot of them.

I would allow ALL of those ladies to toss me into a bed

spatzcat · February 17, 2012

You should ask him as well, how does he want you to grow old together? crawling into retirement, old, sick, fat and tired, spending your time and money in and out of the doctors office, waiting for the onset of diabetic gangrene? Trying to have sex but he's let himself go for 30 years so now he's impotent beyond recognition? sitting around watching re-runs of the price and right and eating raw potatoes because the both of you are too lazy to remember how to cook?

OR!!!!! both of you, in shape, and healthy & well balanced, enjoying each other, time spent doing things you love, not worrying about your health.

This is long term goal and he needs to see that.

Waldo · February 17, 2012

@susie: he can follow directions on a box...i'm not sure if it's laziness or fear of failing that prevents his branching out to things such as scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes....

My wife is the same way. When we first met I literally did have to teach her how to boil water. She can follow recipies nowadays (which does make her a significantly better baker than me), but when it comes to using the force without directions in front of you, even after more than 10 years she is no further than steaming vegetables and making pasta. It can be a daunting task to understand how food reacts to various forms of heating and seasoning without resorting to directions. Especailly if you lack years of regular practice.

Its funny, our secratary at work did an informal survey among us and found that a significant majority of the men do the cooking. She was rather flabbergasted to find out that one of us did so she asked around a bit to see if it was normal. All the guys seem to have the same take on it as I do too. I am WAY better at it than she is, thus I do it.

shutterpillar · February 17, 2012

sitting around watching re-runs of the price and right and eating raw potatoes because the both of you are too lazy to remember how to cook?

that made me LOL.

Elastigirl · February 17, 2012

My wife is the same way. When we first met I literally did have to teach her how to boil water. She can follow recipies nowadays (which does make her a significantly better baker than me), but when it comes to using the force without directions in front of you, even after more than 10 years she is no further than steaming vegetables and making pasta. It can be a daunting task to understand how food reacts to various forms of heating and seasoning without resorting to directions. Especailly if you lack years of regular practice.
Its funny, our secratary at work did an informal survey among us and found that a significant majority of the men do the cooking. She was rather flabbergasted to find out that one of us did so she asked around a bit to see if it was normal. All the guys seem to have the same take on it as I do too. I am WAY better at it than she is, thus I do it.

For some 15 years of our marriage I was frustrated with my husbands inability to cook. Then I realized my cooking style was part of the problem. I seldom use or stick to recipes. Put in a little of this and see if it tasted good was how I told my poor engineer to cook. Then I put recipes on a computer. And when he cooks he can just look up chicken and make something. And he even made grilled asparagus the other night without a recipe

Luffy · February 17, 2012

Like SusieBlu I have to keep in shape for my work (Air Force!). My wife has seen me struggle with working out for years. I have been on a Paleo diet for a couple months now. At first she was a bit upset because it had an effect on what we could make for dinner, but now she is coming around. I have read Gary Taubes latest book. If I tried to tell her she needs to read it she would resist until the end of time. It is just her personality, but I know this so I don't try to push things like this on her. I am the same way about books actually, I hate being pressured into things! I know she likes to reach conclusions on her own, as I have increased my workouts she has started to on her own terms. I doubt we will get to the point where we are going to the gym together, but we definitely pick up on each others habits. Hang in there and I think he will eventually start coming around! I can't think of anything more attractive than a smart and strong woman physically and mentally!

Also I cook like a Baus!

Philociraptor · February 17, 2012

I realized my cooking style was part of the problem. I seldom use or stick to recipes. Put in a little of this and see if it tasted good was how I told my poor engineer to cook.

This is EXACTLY what my girlfriend did to me! And I HATED it. Just gimme a recipe dag-nabbit! I just default to surfing blogs and such for recipes when she's not around.

Morrigainz · February 17, 2012

Maybe you can give me some good tips on how to cook veggies other than the frying pan then!

I'm hoping he will come around at some point. But..either he will or he won't. The meal part has gotten less frustrating. Before, he would ask me, "What are we doing for dinner this week?" and it would be some combination of tuna/hamburger helper, chicken on the grill, maybe some pork in there. Now I don't necessarily plan out all my meals every week, but I've been buying a ton of chicken and just grilling that on the Foreman, making Corey's egg monster for breakfast, and basically just making my own dinner. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to eat it. Last night I made shrimp/pepper/onion/mushroom stir fry, and he can't abide mushrooms, so luckily for him he had some leftovers Usually he'll eat whatever meat I make (he likes meat), but while I've been trying mashed cauliflower and spinach and kale and things, he'll make himself some instant mashed potatoes and corn. So at least that isn't a fight, although he did note "You're spending a fortune on chicken!" the other day. Not that he should care because it's not his money.

I'm hoping that my enthusiasm will rub off on him, but it hasn't yet. He is tired of hearing me talk about weight lifting. He looks at me like I'm a crazy person when I talk about going to the gym...he kinda slammed me last weekend when I went (I don't have a membership so I paid the daily rate) saying, "Aren't you worried about money?" (I'm not, really. Maybe when we get back from spring break and I won't get paid for 1 wk+ of work, but not right now.) Ummm...it's $6. Granted, I don't want to spend $6 every time I want to go to the gym, but while I'm investigating my options it's not something I'm concerned about. It's less than I was spending on fast food every month. *shrug*

Morrigainz · February 17, 2012

Then I realized my cooking style was part of the problem. I seldom use or stick to recipes. Put in a little of this and see if it tasted good was how I told my poor engineer to cook.

Hmm. This could be part of it...he's a data analyst

Waldo · February 17, 2012

For some 15 years of our marriage I was frustrated with my husbands inability to cook. Then I realized my cooking style was part of the problem. I seldom use or stick to recipes. Put in a little of this and see if it tasted good was how I told my poor engineer to cook.

LOL, this poor engineer uses the force, recipes are good for ideas, but I can seemily never follow them. Measuring cups? Bah.

It probably is part of the problem with teaching her to cook though.

...and also probably the reason I'm utterly worthless when it comes to baking.

Maybe he needs it at a more technical level? How types of heating and type of food affect cooking time and texture, goals for food temperture, level of seasoning and when to add the different types, etc... Like a problem to be engineered.

Mama T · February 17, 2012

first off, your bicep IS great looking. mine are teeny tiny, but they're more muscle-y than they used to be, and i'm super proud. so rock those things!

also, just based on my thread perusal, it sounds like he's not big on change. like he started off knowing you in one stage of your life, and now you're moving into this new stage where you're changing your lifestyle and maybe it's not a change he was expecting or is ready to take with you. which is super unfortunate. like everyone says, it may take awhile. and though he may be resistant, i think it's important to involve him in what you're doing, so he can see it means a lot to you, but just realize that right now, he may not be able to offer up the kind of enthusiasm or support that you hope to get.

keep on doing the things that make you happy and fulfilled, and i hope that eventually that'll transfer over to your marriage. in the meantime, you've got the nice people on the forums to root for you.

Oklibrarian · February 17, 2012

My software developer hubby has been a couple steps behind me on the healthy living front which frustrated me a little, but he has stepped it up a lot lately on the eating front (some unnerving glucose and cholesterol numbers at his last checkup inspired him a bit...). However, he's been totally supportive of my work from the very start. Must give him a hug when I get home.

(and did I mention that he can cook AND does dishes and laundry? Back off ladies, he's mine )

Elastigirl · February 17, 2012

LOL, this poor engineer uses the force, recipes are good for ideas, but I can seemily never follow them. Measuring cups? Bah.
It probably is part of the problem with teaching her to cook though.
...and also probably the reason I'm utterly worthless when it comes to baking.
Maybe he needs it at a more technical level? How types of heating and type of food affect cooking time and texture, goals for food temperture, level of seasoning and when to add the different types, etc... Like a problem to be engineered.

He does like cooking better now that we got a meat thermometer. Give him a recipe, and a meat thermometer and he's a decent cook. And yea, he bakes better than me. I hate baking.

Elastigirl · February 17, 2012

Neither my husband or son( My son is 20) Paleo. I make some standby fav's such as tacos. They will eat the tortilla, I'll just eat it plain. Or we just have meat and veggies sometimes, which they are fine with. If we do soup, my son will go find some bread. I guess I didn't really expect them to jump on board right away, but while I cook they eat what I cook, or go find something else like your husband does. Though instand mashed potatoes? Ugh!

Loren Wade · February 17, 2012

Can I just say something? Feel free to ignore me.

I hold the belief that husbands are the head of the household. They're in charge. Not in a male chauvinist way either. They're supposed to love their wives. That's part of their responsibility. They love their wives by knowing their essence an who they are... and they create an atmosphere that allows that essence to grow.

What I mean is this: husbands are meant to serve their wives in the way that most helps their wife. This means HELPING them achieve their goals and longings... not TRAMPLE them. I find it absolutely ridiculous that husbands don't do this.

The respect that wives are supposed to have for their husbands is supposed to be rooted in his LOVE for her because he provides for her and creates an environment that builds her up and allows her to grow. Wanna see a real man? A truly badass one? See how he loves his wife and you'll get your answer.

I'm really sorry to see all you ladies suffering. It really hurts me to see it. Just throwing some NF Rebel love out there...

Ryan Sannar · February 17, 2012

This ^

Men these days have forgotten how to be men. Let alone gentlemen.

msuroo · February 17, 2012

I hold the belief that husbands are the head of the household. They're in charge. Not in a male chauvinist way either.

So...I know that reasonable minds can differ, and in the limited time I've hung around these forums I can tell that you are a good dude - so please don't take this the wrong way. But I just don't see any way to say "husbands are in charge" that doesn't have a component of male chauvinism in it. When my wife and I got married, our pastor gave us the same spiel during pre-marriage counseling, and we both sort of rolled our eyes. There are things I do well, and I am in charge of those things. There are things my wife does well, and she is in charge of those things. And that is just what works for us - If a submissive guy ends up with a dominant girl - and her being "in charge" makes them both more comfortable, who are any of us to say who should be the head of the household.

Loving, respecting, and supporting the growth of your spouse is something that should be expected of everyone, but it has nothing to do with gender or who is "in charge".

MirGSS - I'm very sorry to hear that you aren't getting support from your husband. When I decided to turn my health around, my wife was resistant at first too, but she came around eventually. Hopefully the same happens for you.

knifeboots · February 17, 2012

I am fortunate that my husband cooks - and cooks well. He does best with meals, not so much with desserts and baked goods (he's the "a little of this, a little of that" kind of cook). I cook too, but I follow recipes until I feel comfortable enough to experiment (and I do much better with baked goods).

Anyway... there are times I wish he DIDN'T cook, because he cooks a lot of (yummy, so-not-Primal) comfort food, and then I need to cobble together a Primal meal out of what he makes. I do try to prep meals (at least the entree part) a few days a week so that I know I have something I can eat. And he is aware that I'm eating differently now, and generally supportive. He is also trying to "eat better" and exercise more often but won't let go of bread/grains. I want to encourage him to go Primal but at the same time I don't want him to dig in and go the complete opposite direction out of stubbornness, so I'm biting my tongue for now. I'm hoping that over time, I can be an example for him.

Re: MirGSS and your original post - I agree with Oystergirl et al - your husband actually DOES care, quite a bit, but it's out of fear. And not recognizing your accomplishments is akin to him sticking his head in the proverbial sand, because he's afraid. I've gone through this with my husband before, the last time I dropped a lot of weight (and he was about 75 lbs lighter than he is now). They try to play tough-guy but really they do worry that we're going to leave them once we get fit. And maybe THAT'S the true primal instinct right there - in order to propagate the species, fit animals seek out other fit animals for the greatest chance of success, and he's subconsciously worried about that playing out in your home. Hang in there - you can only allay his fears by letting time do its work. Keep doing what you're doing, and also keep doing stuff with your husband - date nights, whatever - so he is reassured that you're not going to leave him. I hope it all works out for you!

Morrigainz · February 17, 2012

Thanks guys. It's great to know that there's such a great community where I can get support when I'm down and w00ts when I'm awesome (well, more awesomer than usual). Wish I could get it from hubby but there may yet come a day....I do hope it's out of fear rather than disinterest...at least fear he could get over, you know? So we'll see. I'll just keep plugging along, keeping my nose to the grindstone, and see what happens

Loren Wade · February 17, 2012

So...I know that reasonable minds can differ, and in the limited time I've hung around these forums I can tell that you are a good dude - so please don't take this the wrong way. But I just don't see any way to say "husbands are in charge" that doesn't have a component of male chauvinism in it. When my wife and I got married, our pastor gave us the same spiel during pre-marriage counseling, and we both sort of rolled our eyes. There are things I do well, and I am in charge of those things. There are things my wife does well, and she is in charge of those things. And that is just what works for us - If a submissive guy ends up with a dominant girl - and her being "in charge" makes them both more comfortable, who are any of us to say who should be the head of the household.
Loving, respecting, and supporting the growth of your spouse is something that should be expected of everyone, but it has nothing to do with gender or who is "in charge".
MirGSS - I'm very sorry to hear that you aren't getting support from your husband. When I decided to turn my health around, my wife was resistant at first too, but she came around eventually. Hopefully the same happens for you.

I understand where you're coming from, I do. Why?

Because I'm the submissive guy with a dominant wife. I had to learn to lead us. It's not necessarily being in charge as it is leading. I lead us in prayer together, she allows me to make the final decision on really important matters, and I bring home money and health insurance. I provide for her because that's my responsibility. For example... If its how the house is painted, organized, and designed... that's all her because the home is the woman's domain. I let her do all of that and make those decisions because they really don't affect me. But when it comes down to deciding important things, she leaves it to me because that's what we believe.

Please don't misunderstand me either. I hope you read my whole post. That said, I'm totally okay to agree to disagree because I know everyone is different. I'll love my Rebel friends all the same.

Thanks guys. It's great to know that there's such a great community where I can get support when I'm down and w00ts when I'm awesome (well, more awesomer than usual). Wish I could get it from hubby but there may yet come a day....I do hope it's out of fear rather than disinterest...at least fear he could get over, you know? So we'll see. I'll just keep plugging along, keeping my nose to the grindstone, and see what happens

Trust me, when you are fit and badass he'll become interested.

My wife fought tooth an nail against me giving up bread. She's been a pescetarian for 6 years. 6 months later I'm 50 pounds lighter, I'm stronger, I look better, and I have no symptoms of my Crohn's disease due to diet.

Now? Now she eats chicken, absolutely no bread, she had no more acne and she loves it...

My point is this... If you stick to it long enough and you get results, he'll become interested.

Morrigainz · February 17, 2012

I hope so

I can't say I necessarily agree with your ideas on the man being in charge; if it's something I don't have a large stake in, I don't mind if he makes the decisions, but on others I like to come to an agreement. But, different strokes for different folks and all that, and btw I do totally agree how it's a man's responsibility to love his wife and help her become all she can be...and I feel the same way for the female in the relationship too

Loren Wade · February 17, 2012

I hope so
I can't say I necessarily agree with your ideas on the man being in charge; if it's something I don't have a large stake in, I don't mind if he makes the decisions, but on others I like to come to an agreement. But, different strokes for different folks and all that, and btw I do totally agree how it's a man's responsibility to love his wife and help her become all she can be...and I feel the same way for the female in the relationship too

I think you're all kinda taking the "man in charge" thing the wrong way. If that's what you guys got out of it... You missed my point. My wife and I always come to agreements with each other. It's extremely important.

In the mean time, I really hope things get better for you.

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