husband frustrations

[morethanjustamom]

Invite him to come to the gym with you, giving him a chance to see that you're not going there to check out other guys. Make it clear that you don't want anyone but him, and that working out is your way of making life better for yourself, and him by default. You just want to feel good and look good, but you're not second guessing your marriage decision.

I don't know how the male brain works, but I do know that if I invite my husband into whatever area of my life he is suspicious about, it sheds light on everything and he sees I have nothing to hide.

[Pat G]

As per Scotticus, Communication beats just about everything if both partners are willing to contribute to the growth and health of the relationship.

Suspicions can be easily aroused, especially if you're not fully secure in yourself (coming from a Male POV @Morethanjustamom). So as per the past couple of posts, take him to the gym, show him what its all about, talk to him about it. If he is serious about his suspicion, that should alay his fear.

/rant

BLOODY COSMO stupid bloody consumer BS media filth.

[Morrigainz]

Has he been reading Cosmo by chance, because there are TONS of articles that if your partner suddenly starts working out and taking pride in their appearance they must be cheating or looking to cheat.

Right! If I hadn't been so offended/flabbergasted, I might have laughed.

[demonslayer]

/rant

BLOODY COSMO stupid bloody consumer BS media filth.

Pretty much this. What a horrible thing for a magazine to tell people. "Your partner would NEVER try and get into shape/care about their appearance for YOU, oh no, you're not worth it, it CLEARLY must be for someone else." GAH! I really hope he comes around soon. What an utterly unpleasant situation to be in!

[Hammlin]

Don't they say the same thing about girls who suddenly cut off their hair and wear it short? Whoever they are, they need to shut it.

[Morrigainz]

Probably. Any sudden changes are obviously clues that your SO is about to go/is going crazy.

And honestly he is a good guy. He just...doesn't understand the working out/eating right thing. And doesn't care to.

I'll give an update on his attitude when I can bench more than he can

[morethanjustamom]

I wonder...

I think sometimes we get complacent with our partners/spouses, and any sort of change in them is scary.

I love my husband to pieces, he's a great man that I admire and respect, but I'm also so comfortable with him the way he is, that if he were to suddenly take up a new interest or dramatically change his look, I think I would feel threatened for a while, until I understood the rationale behind the change.

[The Tin Man]

Invite him to come to the gym with you, giving him a chance to see that you're not going there to check out other guys. Make it clear that you don't want anyone but him, and that working out is your way of making life better for yourself, and him by default. You just want to feel good and look good, but you're not second guessing your marriage decision.

I don't know how the male brain works, but I do know that if I invite my husband into whatever area of my life he is suspicious about, it sheds light on everything and he sees I have nothing to hide.

Solid advice. The below responses are good too: communication is critically important right now and Cosmo, etc are dumb for suggesting that your partner's desire to improve themselves or change = they are cheating/looking to cheat. Way to encourage trust issues and the stifling of individual growth in relationships, magazines/internet...

And as a possessor of one of the mentioned male brains I can't tell you I know much about how they work either. I'll screw up and accidentally do/say something thoughtless to my girlfriend and then later on go "What on earth was I thinking?? Obviously that would upset her!"

And she puts up with me. I'm an incredibly lucky guy

[Katamay]

I asked my husband about this, and he suggests that all this useful, truthful information would be more readily accepted if it came to him from another guy. Do you guys have any mutual male friends who are on your side in this matter? Could you ask them to talk with him?

[SusieBlu]

I am going to agree with Loren Wade on the idea that a husband needs to lead his family. It is not about making all the decisions and dominating the opinions of others. Not having someone that is loving you, encouraging you, supporting you because of who you are and wanting that best for you is hard on a marriage.

@MirGSS- I know that is it frustrating to have someone that doesn't try to contribute in the household fully or support positive change (physically, professionally, emotionally, or financially). I second any advice on having a honest open conversation but he needs to take responsibility for his actions and you can’t be the only one taking to fix the problem it will only lead to more issues. Get a mutual friend to help out or someone knows your husband to provide some perspective.

[Ryan Sannar]

Look him in the eyes for a minute or two every day and tell him you love him.

[DaveSix]

Two words. Rachel. Mac. Fit equals sexy.

But seriously, most of us who are trying to get fit face some resistance from our spouses. It's easy to get obsessed and have your spouse not share your enthusiasm; especially when you try to educate them against their will LOL.

Hopefully as you get results he will realize it's not just a fad and become more interested. I'm fortunate that I make most of the meals so I can make them healthy. I've become a very good cook in the last few years and I'm always looking for recipes that I can tailor to be both tasty and healthy (because my wife couldn't care less if it's healthy if it doesn't taste yummy).

[BadWolf]

Well, that is an awful situation to be in. Either he'll come around or he won't I guess. The fact that he is commenting on it at all at least means it's rattling around in his brain, so maybe it'll click someday.

My husband (jokingly) asked if I was getting fit so I could find a better looking man to which I said, 1)No and 2) I don't need to get fit to get another man, but I don't want another man, so the point is moot. Anyway, it took a my husband a little while to jump on board with me. I didn't ask him to join me, but he made the conclusion that he should. I really hope for both your sakes that this situation gets better soon, but in the mean time we're here for you. Worse comes to worse, you might have to have the talk, a State of the Relationship and Health Address.

Good luck!

[Thrillho]

I'm a little ashamed to say that the first thought I had when I saw the thread title was "Sweet, a place for husbands to complain!"

... Well, fudge.

I agree with just about everything else that has been said here, he's being a serious douchecanoe about it, but I'm sure he'll come around when he realizes that visible muscles do not a man make, and you're not trying to get fit just to nail someone else. Seriously, how do those two thoughts go together? "Gah, she looks like a guy... she must want to have sex with someone else! Someone who does want to have sex with guys... wait, she's cheating on me with a gay guy?" Power to you for sticking to it.

I have decided to entirely stop trying to get the people in my life to work out with me, and I'm just going to quietly do it and lead by example.

[oystergirl]

Well, I win in the husband frustrations category today. For the first time in his freaking life my husband has the flu...what a bitch! UGH!!!!! Separate and conquor here in the house, but seriously? UGH!

[This is Seth]

Next on "Real Housewives of Nerd Fitness"...

[Thrillho]

I hear you, though I have always felt a little miffed by the term 'man cold'. My wife has a 'man cold' right now, which translates to 'yelling at the kids and then hanging out in bed in a chatroom for eight hours'. Guess what? The rest of us are sick, too. Hopefully the kids can go back to school tomorrow, though. I have to take the youngest to her specialist, so my wife can have a few hours to herself and... do whatever it is they do.

[DaveSix]

I'm just going to quietly do it and lead by example.

Yup.

[Hermione Gainser]

Oh hey..

[Fink]

Awesome Bicep, I might say I'm jealous of it. As for your husband it sounds like he is real insecure about your decision to get into better shape and probably is a little threatened by your knowledge and determination. He just needs to understand that he is still important to you and you are doing this to enrich your life together and how important it is to you. I hope everything works out for you.

P.S. get that man a cookbook!

[LRB]

IMHO, the only place the man/husband in a heterosexual relationship is always the leader is on the dance floor. IMHO (again), marriage should be a partnership between equals, and responsibilities should fall to whoever is most interested in, or best at, each one.

I do the family finances, my husband does the family laundry. Otherwise, everything is split -- we both deal with kids' doctor appointments, travel arrangements, school pickup and drop-off, computer stuff, cooking, cleaning, taking the trash to the dump, and so on. And we are both actively involved in raising our two daughters -- there's no "go ask dad," or "go ask mom" when a question comes up (although sometimes, if something is likely to be controversial, one of us will say 'mom/dad and I need to talk before I can answer that'). Our salaries are roughly equal, so the "bring home the bacon" pressure is on both of us pretty much equally. And I wouldn't want to be with a guy who didn't recognize that my voice, my decisions, my preferences, my skills, and my whole self are as valuable and important as his (just as I recognize that his are as valuable and important as mine). In a heterosexual couple, the wife/mother can be just as much of a leader as the husband/father.

Now, don't get me wrong, other power distributions may work for other couples and other families, but please don't make blanket assertions that the man's role is to lead. It diminishes the women who are just as capable (or more capable) of leading, and the women who share power equally with their partners.

Okay, having gotten that off my chest, I need to brag about my husband for a moment: generally, I fit my workouts in around our family life/schedule (which usually means doing them at 10 at night after everyone else is asleep). But I recently bought an introductory package to a nearby CrossFit gym, which requires doing a two-week, six-session "OnRamp" course. I had hoped I'd be able to go during my lunchtime at work, but the course is scheduled for either (a) mornings at 7:30 or ( evenings at 7. Our evenings are already filled with kid-stuff (like music lessons) and church-stuff (committee meetings, etc), so it has to be the morning times. This means that I won't be able to drop my daughter at school at 7:30 on my way into work. And my husband usually takes a 7:25 train into his office. But, without my even having to push him on it, he offered to rearrange his work schedule so that I can go to the morning OnRamp classes. How cool is that?

[Thrillho]

*jealous*

[BadWolf]

That is VERY cool, LRB! I hope you enjoy the classes!

P.S. I agree

[axeheadfloating]

I know you were just venting, but that is why forums are great. I can read your frustrations, and realize I'm not alone! Although my dear hubby isn't as negative as yours has been, he isn't supportive, exactly. His idea of bringing home healthy food a couple weeks back was all beef hot dogs and wheat buns. *facepalm* He talks like it is a great idea, but will not eat anything out of his norm, or anything that might look/smell/taste like its main ingredient is not meat. He did cook me lunch the other day. It was delicious. But it was chicken alfredo and spinach tortellini. Amazing, and NOT healthy. But hey, it wasn't hot dogs.

I think the general idea of a fear of change is a big reason for both of our husbands reactions. Also, laziness. Getting into shape, losing all this weight, eating different is a lot of work. It will take time, and thought, and effort. It really is hard. I am trying to stick with it.And you should too!

Amazing bicep, btw.

The encouragement on these boards is amazing.

@Loren Wade, I loved what you posted. I know that the concept isn't a popular one, and often misconstrued, usually because it has been abused or not done right many times. But, you are correct sir!

[Morrigainz]

Haha yes! I think I need to start sneaking healthy things into what I cook. I bought some kale and he totally wouldn't try it. Anything that's not in his comfort zone is unacceptable. So, I've started just making my own meals...and if he wants to eat it, he's welcome to