The Taking of Surname

[knifeboots]

I also took my maiden last name as my middle name, and my husband's last name as my married last name.

Ditto. My maiden name is distinctive, and my dad's sisters did the same - kept their maiden name as their middle name, and took their husband's last name. My husband's last name is EXTREMELY common, and there's actually something comforting about the anonymity of it.

[morethanjustamom]

Ditto. My maiden name is distinctive, and my dad's sisters did the same - kept their maiden name as their middle name, and took their husband's last name. My husband's last name is EXTREMELY common, and there's actually something comforting about the anonymity of it.

I understand that, the anonymity of a common last name. Hubby's last name is fairly common in the South, so I enjoy that as well.

[ebm1224]

wow that's so cool! i've never heard of a man taking his wife's name...but tha'ts really brilliant. if my bf and i get married one day, i wonder if he'd consider doing that. he has a very common last name and mine is unique...plus it's just my sister and i with no brothers...so if we don't keep it it goes away. the only thing is that my bf has gone by his last name among friends for years...so would they continue to call him that if it wasn't his name anymore? it would actually be kinda cool.'

[FlipFlopGirl]

I actually took my husband's last name when we got married but over the years I've come to the conclusion that I would have been happier if I had kept my maiden name and hyphenated it or kept both names. My married name and given name are both very common so over the years I've had a few identity issues..my name and social being one or two numbers and letters off from someone else with a similar name and a whole slew of problems I would rather not have attached to me. My husband is aware of that I would like to make that change at some point..but I've procrastinated over the years because I figured there would be a lot of paperwork just to add my maiden name.

[morethanjustamom]

I actually took my husband's last name when we got married but over the years I've come to the conclusion that I would have been happier if I had kept my maiden name and hyphenated it or kept both names. My married name and given name are both very common so over the years I've had a few identity issues..my name and social being one or two numbers and letters off from someone else with a similar name and a whole slew of problems I would rather not have attached to me. My husband is aware of that I would like to make that change at some point..but I've procrastinated over the years because I figured there would be a lot of paperwork just to add my maiden name.

You'd be surprised! Actually, taking my maiden name as my middle name happened by accident for me, I didn't bother to fix it, and now I kind of like it.

I went to renew my driver's license after we were married and they replaced my middle name with my maiden name. I didn't realize it until I was done with the renewal, and I was sort of 'meh' about it. Since I use my DL as identification for everything, it eventually translated to loan documents, voters registration, etc. and now its just my name.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

I made my wife promise to take mine before I would agree to marry her.

[morri]

I kept my name because my husband didn't want to hyphenate. I fail to see why one of the first acts of a healthy partnership should be to strip one of the partners of her identity, and it makes my blood boil when people who know better call me "Mrs. His-last-name".

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

I kept my name because my husband didn't want to hyphenate. I fail to see why one of the first acts of a healthy partnership should be to strip one of the partners of her identity, and it makes my blood boil when people who know better call me "Mrs. His-last-name".

Because its a new lifelong partnership and symbolizes two becoming one, I think it's important to share the last name. Wouldn't you want to have the same last name as your kids?

[Guest Captain GetSwole]

I made my wife promise to take mine before I would agree to marry her.

Good going. Brofist. Does this forum have some kind of a rep system I can use to approve of this post?

The original post indicates what I view as a representation of some unhealthy home-brew gender relations philosophies.

The way I see it, real men are married, employed, have several kids and lift weights. Crossfit does not count as lifting weights, and marriage only counts when it's between one man and one woman for life, both of whom bear the male's birth surname, raising a family together as equal partners. I don't hate the alternatives, but I refuse to acknowledge them as a real and healthy marriage.

I view it as extremely unhealthy that a man would consent to his wife changing his surname and not the other way around.

[Thrillho]

Real men are married, employed, have six kids and lift weights. Crossfit does not count as lifting weights, and marriage only counts when it's between one man and one woman for life, both of whom bear the male's birth surname, raising a family together as equal partners. I don't hate the alternatives, but I refuse to acknowledge them as a real and healthy marriage.

I... you... that... you... what?

[Guest Captain GetSwole]

I... you... that... you... what?

I'm sorry if that was blunt, but that's what I believe. I am unashamed to stand for real marriage.

[LRB]

I'm sorry if that was blunt, but that's what I believe. I am unashamed to stand for real marriage.

Hey Cap'! I really wish you had voiced your opinions with respect, instead of calling a fellow Rebel's one true love a "total wuss." I would respond further, but fear I'd be banned from the forums for the language I might use.

[Guest Captain GetSwole]

Hey Cap'! I really wish you had voiced your opinions with respect, instead of calling a fellow Rebel's one true love a "total wuss." I would respond further, but fear I'd be banned from the forums for the language I might use.

I'll go ahead and give you permission to respond further. I won't take it personally, and if that's good enough for the mods that's good enough for me.

I think what's going on in the OP is a sign of seriously depraved relations, and while it's not my business to interfere in peoples' marriages I'll certainly voice disapproval if something's posted out in semi-public, like this thread.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Dude, in your intro post you were all about how you came to this community because of the open minded, non-testosterone pumped atmosphere. You're not really displaying that type of attitude or promoting that type of discussion right now.

[AKLulu]

I don't have a problem with you objecting to a person's life choices, Captain, but you could be slightly more tactful about expressing your opinion. You don't need to go charging around like a bull in a china shop - we're all willing to listen without you throwing your weight around.

[Guest Captain GetSwole]

Well, then I apologize. I may have gotten the wrong impression about the OP's husband, or jumped to conclusions at least. I retract that statement and will edit the post. I'll try not to be so abrasive moving forward.

[LRB]

Good going. Brofist. Does this forum have some kind of a rep system I can use to approve of this post?

I suspect that the OP's husband is a kept man and total wuss. That's not something any real man would put up with.

Real men are married, employed, have six kids and lift weights. Crossfit does not count as lifting weights, and marriage only counts when it's between one man and one woman for life, both of whom bear the male's birth surname, raising a family together as equal partners. I don't hate the alternatives, but I refuse to acknowledge them as a real and healthy marriage.

A man trying to dominate his wife is as big a wuss as a man who lets his wife push him around and change his name. Whatever happened to healthy relationships, did they go out of style or something?

Maybe it's just that I believe that for two people to be "equal partners," the 'rules' should apply equally to both of them. So that any sentence about who should do what can be turned on its head and still be accurate, without contradicting the inverse sentence. Thus, your sentence "A man trying to dominate his wife is as big a wuss as a man who lets his wife push him around and change his name" should also be able to be read as "A woman trying to dominate her husband [or one spouse trying to dominate the other] is as big as wuss as a woman [or spouse] who lets her [or his] husband [or spouse] push her around and change her name." And that actually would work in my world view -- I don't think either spouse should push the other around, or dominate the other, or force name-changes. Period. But it doesn't work in your world view, because you define "real marriage" as requiring the woman to bear the male's surname -- so how is that an equal partnership, when the rules are already skewed from the beginning?

[Guest Captain GetSwole]

Maybe it's just that I believe that for two people to be "equal partners," the 'rules' should apply equally to both of them. So that any sentence about who should do what can be turned on its head and still be accurate, without contradicting the inverse sentence. Thus, your sentence "A man trying to dominate his wife is as big a wuss as a man who lets his wife push him around and change his name" should also be able to be read as "A woman trying to dominate her husband [or one spouse trying to dominate the other] is as big as wuss as a woman [or spouse] who lets her [or his] husband [or spouse] push her around and change her name." And that actually would work in my world view -- I don't think either spouse should push the other around, or dominate the other, or force name-changes. Period. But it doesn't work in your world view, because you define "real marriage" as requiring the woman to bear the male's surname -- so how is that an equal partnership, when the rules are already skewed from the beginning?

I answer with questions:

1a. How many actual happy marriages have you seen in your life?

1b. Who do you know who has been happily married for 40, 50 or 60+ years, perfectly content without major obstacle?

1c. How many marriages have you seen grow unhealthy and dissolve, and for what apparent reasons?

2a. What is your view on tradition, its role in society, how it comes to be, etcetera?

2b. Are traditions good or bad? Why? What might separate a good tradition from a bad one?

[LRB]

The first question (three parts) has obvious answers: many (though I've also seen many unhappy); none (every marriage has obstacles); and only a few, though I don't know enough about them to say why.

The second question (two parts) really boils down to the second part - and my first reaction is a tradition is good when it works for all who are involved with, or affected by, it.

But I think what I really want to say, more than addressing the questions directly, is that there are only two people who really know what is going on in a relationship, and each of them only has half the information. So who is anyone else to judge, as long as the people in the relationship are healthy and safe? I don't know what makes a "good relationship," but I do know what makes a good relationship for me, and I would not presume to tell someone else that they're doing it wrong if it works for them -- with the obvious caveat of health and safety of both members of the relationship.

Anyway, it's late here and I have CrossFit early tomorrow (which I know is not as manly as lifting weights, but I assume that's okay with you since I'm not a man), so I'm going to be offline for a while. Please don't take offense if I don't respond.

[Thrillho]

Translation from GetSwole to English: I have pre-screened responses to all typical liberal answers to these questions. Please step up.

[Guest Captain GetSwole]

The first question (three parts) has obvious answers: many (though I've also seen many unhappy); none (every marriage has obstacles); and only a few, though I don't know enough about them to say why.

The second question (two parts) really boils down to the second part - and my first reaction is a tradition is good when it works for all who are involved with, or affected by, it.

But I think what I really want to say, more than addressing the questions directly, is that there are only two people who really know what is going on in a relationship, and each of them only has half the information. So who is anyone else to judge, as long as the people in the relationship are healthy and safe? I don't know what makes a "good relationship," but I do know what makes a good relationship for me, and I would not presume to tell someone else that they're doing it wrong if it works for them -- with the obvious caveat of health and safety of both members of the relationship.

Anyway, it's late here and I have CrossFit early tomorrow (which I know is not as manly as lifting weights, but I assume that's okay with you since I'm not a man), so I'm going to be offline for a while. Please don't take offense if I don't respond.

Oh, I won't take offense. I was mostly joking about the "real men are" line, but I think a man who does those things will definitely gain respect if he isn't overbearing about it. I admit I was overbearing and apologize, so I understand if you're a bit upset. I'll try my best not to do that again.

So here's my proposition: What if I told you that there was a group of people in this very same country in which we dwell who have a solid 94% success rate in marriage, defined as staying together for their entire lives? How would you react if I knew literally hundreds of couples in old age who have been married since their 20's, happily, and whose children and grandchildren are also married happily, with the same divorce rate of only 6%?

Would you be curious about their ideas about marriage?

[Thrillho]

What would you do if I told you that I don't particularly care what one group does? How would you react if I told you that there's nothing empirically good or bad about a marriage 'success rate'? Would you be curious as to why I don't particularly care what one particular group does, when held against the majority of free-will-endowed people?

Serial killers are highly intelligent. Does that mean that a) I will have to be a serial killer due to my level of intelligence, or I should purposefully try to restrict the intelligence of my children?

People in the Maritimes have a significantly lower divorce rate than the West Coast. Should we move to the East Coast?

My parents got divorced in their 40's, and are pretty happy with that decision. Should they have stayed together in misery? Two good friends of mine are raising four children together, and they are not married. They do not plan to get married. How is this a bad thing?

I do not see the point of your long, rambling, circuitous stance on marriage.

[Guest Captain GetSwole]

So a divorce rate likely more than 50% for the nation compared against a divorce rate of less than 10% for a subgroup doesn't impress you?

It wouldn't lead you to question whether they were behaving in ways that the rest of the country was not?

[Thrillho]

So a divorce rate likely more than 50% for the nation compared against a divorce rate of less than 10% for a subgroup doesn't impress you? It wouldn't lead you to question whether they were behaving in ways that the rest of the country was not?

You really need to stop speaking rhetorically.

You have produced nothing but statements describing alleged rates for a small, particular group. I am absolutely positive that they are behaving in a different way than the rest of the nation. By definition, they would have to be. You have yet to produce any fact, figure or argument for why they are better. Why they are preferable. And why anyone should care.

[Guest Captain GetSwole]

You really need to stop speaking rhetorically.

You have produced nothing but statements describing alleged rates for a small, particular group. I am absolutely positive that they are behaving in a different way than the rest of the nation. By definition, they would have to be. You have yet to produce any fact, figure or argument for why they are better. Why they are preferable. And why anyone should care.

Because their leader is a true prophet of God. The words of this leader are inspired by the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who promises to multiply and prosper in the land anybody who obeys His word, to give men joy beyond their wildest expectations.

A prophet dwells on this earth today to speak on behalf of the Savior. His name is Thomas S. Monson, and his line of authority traces back to the Savior Himself, who revealed Himself in the flesh along with the Father to the prophet Joseph Smith in the early 1800's. The prophet Thomas S. Monson's words heal and build up, and encourage all people to take part in the many blessings that come with keeping the commandments of God in these the latter days. Won't you see what he has to say and why it has touched and improved millions of lives? Are you not enticed by healthy, happy families full of people that trust and love each other, and the opportunity to be able to continue your marriage with your spouse and your relationship with your family for time and all eternity?