Help me help him

[Hammlin]

I have a mini-woot, in the form of a compliment followed by a what do I do...

My fiance sent me a text last night, talking about when we were going to be able to go to the gym together. Some background- Over the last year and a half he has started and stopped working out more times than I can count. Each time with a "this time's for real" and with his food choices he told me when we have kids he wants a healthy household (which I agree) and he eats healthy for a week or 2 then binges. All the while, my head is down, I'm progressing, because ultimately I know that only *I* can be responsible for me.

So in the text he told me "I don't want to be immortalized in our wedding pictures as the fat guy next to the bombshell" On one hand, I though it was so sweet and awesome that he thinks I'm becoming a "bombshell" (words never used to describe me before) but sad that he sees himself, in the future, as "the fat guy". I don't know how to help and encourage him, because when I try to bend my schedule around doing this together, he leaves me doing the workout alone (don't worry, I'm not doing dangerous things...yet...), and goes to the treadmill and dawdles with his music or goes to the bathroom etc, or something always comes up and we don't work out. When we met he was making good choices and running a lot, but doing it all at such a pace that he burned out, and fast. He has bi-polar, and recently started on meds, which have been awesome because he can focus now, but in the last few blurry months I've gotten leaps and bounds ahead of him, and to be honest, I think he's panicking.

I'm holding steadfast to my plan, but how can I encourage him with his? Guys? What would you have your lady do to help motivate, because I don't want to leave him behind, but I just can't stop.

[LRB]

First, don't stop what you're doing. Clearly, it is your steady efforts that are bringing him back into the fold (as it were) time and again.

Next, help him figure out how to start something with which he can imagine sticking for a year or two. I have a tendency to go all-out and over commit to any sport or hobby or whatever. Then I burn out. I have learned (over 41 years of doing this!) that the key, for me, is to rein myself in a LOT in the beginning so I can establish a pace that I can maintain throughout.

Finally, invite him to join you at the gym, but help him find his own workout -- he shouldn't be doing what you're doing, he should be doing what appeals to him and what he'll be willing to continue doing long-term.

Just my thoughts. Good luck!

[katscratch]

I have a tendency to go all-out and over commit to any sport or hobby or whatever. Then I burn out. I have learned (over 41 years of doing this!) that the key, for me, is to rein myself in a LOT in the beginning so I can establish a pace that I can maintain throughout.

This. Me too. I go through serious honeymoon phases when I discover new things, and am all pumped and read tons then find my enthusiasm wanes when I don't see magic instant results or when I just don't have that "newness" to sustain my interest when I don't have a support network egging me on (one reason I'm here!).

Planning out a super simple workout schedule to stick to for three months might help, to see a plan on paper for me makes a huge difference. Also committing to eating the way you want to for 3 months, by that time a lot of people feel so much better and those choices have become habit.

If you think part of his reluctance is feeling left behind, maybe phrase suggestions more like "I read someone on NF tried xxx and really liked how easy it was to stick to" rather than the suggestion coming directly from you. Or challenge each other to stick to something you find hard to get into for three months - him, fitness and eating; you, is there something he could help you with?

It can be hard finding ways to be supportive of your partner when they are in a place that makes them more self-conscious or sensitive, if that is a factor. Kudos to you

[CRM114]

The best advice I can give is maybe to help him find something that he actually enjoys doing. Bottom line is: if he hates going to the gym, eventually he is going to stop. Maybe you guys can do something together? biking, rock climbing, hiking, running, softball, w/e. If you can find something that he looks forward to and is competitive in, he will eventually make his way back to the gym to train for said activity. Make it fun, not a chore.

[notacommittee]

Have you tried making it competitive? Like, the first one to skip a workout has to [insert chore you both hate]? Or making a super public tracking device (like a sheet of paper up on your wall or something) to keep both of your goals front and center all the time? I really love Health Month (healthmonth.com) for keeping me consistent with workouts - it just keeps me honest. Maybe that's something he would find useful?

If it's a financial option for you, apparently personal trainers are also really great for this, since then you have an appointment at the gym and someone to push you.

It only takes 21 days to make a habit: could he agree to be absolutely 100% uncompromising for 21 days, and then see how it looks like from there? That might help him if he's burning out on day 10 or 11 thinking "OMG now I have to do this FOREVER this sucks"

Also, this sounds really simple, but have you tried talking about this problem with him? While making it clear that you aren't judging him of course, but see if he can articulate his own plan for getting past his struggles - this will be so much more likely to succeed than you trying to put him on a plan you came up with.

Anyway, just some suggestions. You sound really encouraging and supportive; he's a lucky man! Good luck!

[Rosie]

How about you get him on here and see if he can find the motivation and inspiration from fellow NFers? I've been trying to get my boyfriend more motivated as well. He's really keen to get in shape and has started taking up running but he's been on like 3 runs and then stopped. Also said he would stop drinking beers in the weeknights but that lasted about a week...

[Book]

You know... as his fiancée, there are lots of ways you can reward him when he does things to help himself.

[Hammlin]

You know... as his fiancée, there are lots of ways you can reward him when he does things to help himself.

Like... cook him dinner?

[Book]

Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.

[Rivanariko]

It sounds like he's found a method that definitely does NOT work for him. I would encourage him to explore other fitness activities because obviously, going to the gym and working out is not something that he looks forward to or enjoys. Fitness shouldn't be a chore that you have to force yourself to do, or you won't continue it throughout your life. It needs to be something that you can look forward to. Help him find something that really sets him on fire, but try to help him approach it with moderation to keep burn-out at bay.

Also, how long has he been on his meds? Sometimes it can take a while to stabilize in your body, and it can take your doctors a while to figure out the right combination and the right dosage to be most effective.

Continue to lead by example and try new things together, eventually you'll find something that he loves.

[Lachy]

I think you shouldn't try to workout together every time. I've tried working out with other people and, either the schedule don't work or the routines/goals aren't compatible. By all means encourage him, ask about his progress, help him find a routine that excites him and fits his goals, but make him responsible for his own progress, make him accountable to himself. If your schedules sync up from time to time, that's awesome, you can cheer each other on, but this way there's no compromised routine, or schedule.

Anyway that's my two cents. I too have been in the overzealous, all in 'til burnout phase a few times. Maybe get him on a rouitne like Starting Strenght or Stronglifts, constant progress through incremented weights, and it feels manly moving heavy weights (even though they are of course an awesome routine for the ladies too).