Leveling up my life... which way do I go...

[thatgirljj]

OK guys, I'm at a crossroads, and I thought I'd throw this out here because I'm asking around a lot of folks I know for advice. Backstory: I've been working part time for the past 4 years, since I had my son. I have a master's degree and a good job, but my funding is dependent on grants, so things are always really wobbly. This is good since it allows me to work part time and make a decent salary, but bad because there's always the scramble for funding coverage when something runs out. Right now I work about 30 hours a week and have for the last 2 years. I have an offer on the table for a project that would bring me back up to full time. It would expand my mentorship and funding base which would be good, but it would also mean juggling 1 more project along with the other 2 I'm already balancing.

Here's where the level up your life issue comes in. So I'm a mom. My husband is a sales engineer and travels somewhat extensively for his job. This means I have a lot to juggle at home. Some of it is the typical working mom stuff, other things are dealing with a tantrumming preschooler who wants his daddy to do bath (when daddy is on the other side of the world) after I've had a long day at work. I have an active hobby (circus), which keeps me working out, but very little time for relaxing with a game or fantasy novel anymore... much less the CRAZY costuming I used to do as a hobby before I had a kid to worry about. I'd really love to get into costuming again, maybe go to this huge fantasy costume ball we have in LA. But right now it's a struggle to find the time, much less if I take on another full day at work.

And on top of that... I have a level up my life goal I really need to tackle on a personal level. I feel like I need to start therapy for my anxiety issues, it's holding me back both at work and in my personal life. That was going to be my life goal for the next challenge. If I'm working part time I can slot that in on a day off... if I work full time, I need to either talk about it with my supervisors (for scheduling) or I need to somehow find time in the evenings for therapy.

I dunno... I feel like taking on this other project would level up my WORK life... but it would actually hurt my family life and personal life. So I'm not really sure where to go with it. I also don't want to make any enemies or get a reputation at work by turning it down... but I really do have a lot to juggle right now. Any thoughts?

-jj

[morethanjustamom]

My first thought is you need to deal with your personal/anxiety issues FIRST! Your mental/emotional health is more important than any job/project/hobby.

As the spouse of someone with anxiety issues, I know this can be so hard, but your mental state will trickle over into your work and home life, and if you are already slightly overwhelmed (it looks like you've already got a lot on your plate!) neglecting your personal needs over taking on a new job project will only make your anxiety worse.

I recently had to go and turn down a position as manager of a six-year project I had already agreed to. I know I did the right thing for myself and my family by not adding this stressful project into an already stressful schedule, but I was still scared to hurt the administrator's feelings, look like I was irresponsible for backing out, etc. As it turned out, the meeting went well after I explained why I was turning the offer down (already juggling too much, five kids in school next year, increased demands on my time as a mom, etc.) and the administrator told me to come back at any time if things in my personal life slowed down. We parted on good terms, and she let me leave with my dignity in tact, which was all I could hope for.

I hope you will give serious thought to taking care of yourself first and foremost. You are the only wife and mother your husband and son have, and you need to take care of yourself, before you can take care of others.

[AKLulu]

I would think if you're doing fine financially with your part-time job, you shouldn't stress yourself out further by taking away from your off time and adding more to your workload.

[Morrigainz]

I agree. Yourself and your family come first, no matter what.

[Istra]

I'm a person who tends to take on way to much too. I heard something AMAZING at a leadership conference that helped me figure out what my priorities are when it comes to new projects: First, do the things that ONLY you can do. ONLY you can be a mommy to your kid. ONLY you can be a great wife to *your* husband. ONLY you can take care of your anxiety issues.

I'll also just share, I had anxiety issues too (and a lot of other issues!), and after getting counseling and working on my issues, I'm able to take on a WHOLE LOT MORE than I used to be. I can handle unexpected things, I know how to cope with stress and deal with difficult things, and normal is a state of being now. (Which is AWESOME.) For every hour I spent with my counselor, I've easily gained 5 in better productivity and management skills.

That said, I hope you're able to find a solution that works for you. *hug*

[LRB]

Other than the job being full-time (and presumably paying commensurately more), is there anything great about it? Will it teach you a new set of skills? Will it advance your career in a direction you want to go? If so, it may be worth figuring out if the salary increase would be enough for you to hire a mother's helper/babysitter one night a week to get your son from daycare and do the bath/book/bed routine. Yes, only you can be a mom to your son, but only you can direct your career, too. Maybe you could use that one night for therapy? Or for going and doing circus stuff? Or maybe for therapy when your husband is away, but for a date night when he's not?

You really are juggling a lot - if the new job would let you outsource some of what you do, maybe it's worth it. (and it wouldn't have to be childcare -- you could maybe hire someone to come clean your apartment/house and do the laundry once a week, or find someone who could come cook a whole bunch of meals for the week so you don't have to deal with dinner every night, or whatever).

And before you assume that I am encouraging you to take the full-time job, you should know that I made the exact opposite decision for my career. The job I currently have is a 'treading water' job; it is not advancing my skills or marketability, but it at least keeps me in the game so that when my kids are older and I'm looking for more of a challenge in my career, I might be able to find one.

Hope this helps. And like the others have said -- prioritize dealing with your anxiety issues; other things will fall into place much more easily after that.

[thatgirljj]

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I ended up taking this to my boss/mentor. I'd usually be a bit more cautious being so open with her, but she's just been through some medical stuff that she was pretty open about me with, so I felt a little more comfortable. She was clearly of the opinion that if I work out some of these anxiety issues that I'm going to be more effective at work (and at home), and that these kinds of projects will continue to roll my way. She was really understanding.

I think the major downside is that this will cost me another mentorship opportunity with a woman who really is a great thinker in our office (and player in the field as a whole). But honestly... if I'm swamped and overwhelmed, I'm not going to be able to make anything out of that relationship. I need to get to a point where my anxiety isn't draining me before I can tackle those kinds of challenges.

Anyway... thanks for listening.

-jj

[AKLulu]

Good decision! We're always here to listen and I think your spot on in thinking you wouldn't be able to get the best of that mentor-ship in your current situation. Good luck with everything!

[morethanjustamom]

You did the right thing, JJ. You'll never regret taking care of you mental/emotional health before it gets worse, and I think you'll be surprised how much more productive you'll be without the anxiety constantly nagging you.

[AuroraNorth]

Think of it this way- you want to help this woman, or you wouldn't be willing to try and mentor her. Adding that to an already jammed life means that she would get shortchanged along with everything else. Therefore, it's best for all concerned that you don't try to be a primary mentor. You could be a secondary one, though.