365 Things That Scare Me

[Raincloak]

Yesterday I read an article by a woman who made it her goal to do one anxiety-provoking activity every day for a year.  She said this helped her overcome many fears at a gradual pace.

 

When I read this, something in my brain went "click."  I thought of that worn old adage, "Do one thing every day that scares you," but that's very vague, and makes me think of things like jetting off to Thailand or walking a rope and board suspension bridge.  Not super applicable to my daily existence.

 

But anxiety provoking stuff?  Hell, I live in a world FULL of that.  I do not live in aworld of scary things, but I am surrounded by anxiety triggers.  With a specific timeline like "365 days" the concept immediately gets more concrete.  I like commitments with numbers attached.  Numbers make it easy to tell if you're done or not.  I have terrible issues with grading myself (doesn't everyone?) but data doesn't lie or flatter.  It's just there.

 

The worst part of anxiety is, the world gets smaller and smaller as I try to avoid things that scare me and the list just gets longer.  The single biggest thing between me and the life of my dreams is the anxiety I feel when it comes to doing pretty much anything that will bring me closer to level 100 me.  But after spending most of my adult life with it, it's starting to dawn on me that maybe my fear is never going away, it will always be there waiting to pounce.  Perhaps I will never not feel it.  I might as well update my definition of "happiness" to include "despite anxiety" instead of "not feeling anxious anymore", and get on with things I really want/need to do.

 

So.  I feel compelled to express up front my doubts that I will actually keep this up for 365 days, but each day I stand up to the demon is a day I get something useful done.  Let it begin here.

 

 

Today, I responded to a scary all-caps email from my part time boss requesting an overdue piece of paperwork.  After setting a procrastination timer and taking many deep breaths, I completed and sent the desired form.  Whew.

[Raincloak]

Today, I got a long overdue new haircut and cleaned up a long neglected pile of junk in the corner of the bathroom.  (Also picked a fight with an anti-vaxxer, but that was a waste of time, so it doesn't count.)

[Raincloak]

Today is starting off poorly, woke up from nightmare with racing heart when alarm clock went off.  but I will persevere.  Right now I'm gonna call getting ready for work "anxiety provoking."

[Raincloak]

Sunday's scary thing: having breakfast with parents and their usual "get a job" litany.

Yesterday I did not do anything sufficiently scary.  Oh well.

 

Today's scary tasks shall be: cleaning the kitchen, writing second draft of job query letter, more unemployment funsies.

[Mr.Six]

This is a really powerful goal and challenge.  It reminds me of Jai Jiang's self-imposed 100 Days of Rejection which I've been meaning to read more about and try out myself.  I'll do my best to follow along and let me know if you ever need a 'you can do it!'

[Raincloak]

Welp.  Didn't get job hunting things done yesterday, or the day before (except my weekly volunteer gig).  The weather's gorgeous and I spent most of the week indoors staring at a screen.  Didn't get much exercise, except Wednesday.  Did a little decluttering, but many areas still are wrecked.

 

I keep thinking I'm hungry, but when I eat to lighten my mood, I feel down and empty again in half an hour, and if I eat more, then I feel fat.  (This is a relatively new thing for me.  I'm not developing an eating disorder, but after a lifetime of eating more or less what I want, in the past year or so I developed cravings for chips and candy, and became a tad heavier than before.  I don't want that trend to continue.)

 

I feel very depressed, trapped, and ashamed.  Right now all I want to do is hide, but I know of one thing that isn't too scary and will do me good: fresh air.  Time to go for a walk.

 

[Elastigirl]

I love the idea of this. Like you, I've heard of do one thing a day that scares you,  but not really had an idea of how to make that concrete. Good for you for fighting the anxiety.  Enjoy your walk, hoping the fresh air and sunshine helps.

[Raincloak]

Trying to stay off interwebs today (also running out of mobile data for this month).  Still slow to face the scariness, but despite waking up with a head full of nightmares (a fairly common experience), I feel a bit better than yesterday.  Today I had enough psychic energy to fix some real (non-junk) food for myself and appreciate the effects of yesterday's declutter effort.

 

I spent a couple hours cleaning my 30-gallon aquarium, and was shocked at how much fish doodoo had accumulated in the substrate.  It's still got a lot of crap on the bottom because I don't have an aqua vacuum, but some of it got siphoned out, most of the algae's scrubbed away, the water's changed, the filters rinsed, and most of the overgrown plants pulled out, so at least it looks a lot better.  Also washed my windows, which wasn't scary but hadn't been done in ages, and I'm enjoying the view through somewhat enhanced windows.

[Raincloak]

Last couple days more hiding in home.  Today though, I swallowed the scary paperwork pill, then dressed up nice and went out to a festival.  Spent more money than I intended, but had a good time and came home with a few useful things.

Must get more scary things done.  They hurt a lot less when they're done.

[Raincloak]

Last Friday, cleaned up the apartment fairly thoroughly while freaking out about dinner party.  Wound up with nicely tidy apartment, successful party, and woke up next day with a hideous cold which has taken the better part of the week to shake off.  Have not kept up with enough scary things.  Praise God, my head is now emptied of glue and my throat no longer filled with spiders and I no longer have a stomach full of slime.  (I mean, there's still slime in there, but it's mostly the kind that is supposed to be in there now.)

 

Oddly, having my living quarters mostly cleaned up has given rise to a sense of restlessness.  It's like I have one less big adult task to procrastinate, and now my brain has more get-up-and-go.  Unfortunately it hasn't killed my habit of avoiding job-related stuff, nor the attendant anxiety. 

 

(Excuse me while I whine about life not being fair.  I have a part time job I'm good at, been doing it competently for months, and yet I continue to get freaked out every time I go to do it or anything related to it??  Whyyyy.  What happened to that whole desensitization thing...)

 

meanwhile, I've come up with a possible career path that may be just suited for me, or will at least get me as close as possible to being happy working.  It involves doing much boring stuff and talking to people a lot, but also involves reading books, which is the part I like. Need to make some contacts and see if I can score an internship or entry job of some sort.  At least now I have a goal I like in mind.

 

[Raincloak]

I survived work last weekend despite getting knocked for a loop by a depressing lecture from my supervisor about how I need to try harder (uh, like I asked to catch a cold and have anxiety attacks...)  Wasted a while trying to straighten out my head, but eventually succeeded in continuing work.  Yay!

 

Haven't told anyone of my new planned career.  (Nor will I, yet.)  Still getting pressure to apply for various jobs.

 

On Sunday I was in a car accident (I'm mostly ok, car is fixable) and my week so far has been hogged up with extra rest, tedious phone calls and appointments, etc.  So, I'm doing all right with the scary things, just need to keep going...

 

[Raincloak]

I'd planned to sit on my new villainous scheme for getting a career, but for Father's Day I gave in and told my parents about the scheme.  They were very happy and thought it sounded great.  Now if I can just keep them from getting all up in my business, life will be fine.

 

Today I made an appointment with my alma mater's career center to discuss how I can get my daydream job.  (Not super-duper dream job, but one that I think I will kinda like, be good at, and pay my bills with while I'm waiting for the super-serum fairy to show up.)

 

strangely feeling less scared this week.  Perhaps due to the wonderful day I had with my folks, and basking in their approval for a change.  Great!  Must kick as much ass as possible while it lasts.

 

also a temp job has turned up, which is good because it means I won't be homeless by the end of the summer.  That gives me a bit more time to dig into permanent jobs.

[Raincloak]

Yesterday I tried on the hateful office clothes, pitched out some of the hatefulest, and picked an outfit for temp job.  Today I went to temp job and got compliments on my outfit.  (It was all black, with silver and pearl accessories.  You know what, black works and I'm sticking with it.  I'm headed for a goth/punk wardrobe phase, and for the first time in my life, I'm starting to pick clothes to express my attitude, instead of trying to fit in or wear what my mother thinks looks good.  It feels very right.)

 

Career center informed me they won't help me because they only help recent grads and I got my degree over 3 years ago.  Such bullshit, but I'll just have to forge ahead without em.

[Raincloak]

Ugh.  Fear is biting super hard the last couple weeks.  I've got a knot in my belly it seems like all the time.   Meanwhile, obligations continue to pile up, and I'm sitting here doing busywork like cooking and cleaning instead of the scary stuff.  I guess some activity is better than none, but the pressure's really getting to me.

 

I'm sad.  My bosses are annoyed with me and my life has many things not in order.

 

One positive step though, I capsule-ized my work clothes and now I don't have to waste precious psychic energy on getting dressed for the office.  I threw out everything that didn't match or didn't look good, and I put all the good stuff in one place, so now I just put on any top and bottom and shoes and jewelry and I'm done.  I don't have to get dressed by trial and error.  I'm down to about five or six of each item, but if I'm dressed professionally, who gives a shit.  My coworkers can just learn to put up with seeing me in the same clothes again and again.  So that's one ongoing challenge resolved.

 

[Raincloak]

Today's scary deeds: canceling an appointment, apologizing to a guy I sort of stood up (not exactly but kinda), going to a party I don't super wanna deal with but it's good for me to be sociable so I will.

 

bonus goals: make new appointment, send documents to insurance co, complete more overdue paperwork for job.  Also try to breathe.

[Raincloak]

Did the main things.  did not do bonus things.  Today's things: do papers for work, breathe, prep for weekend job.  Bonus for insurance stuff, unemployment stuff, and going to potluck tonight.

[Rowena Nightwolf]

Struggling with anxiety myself, I enjoyed (boy does that sound wrong) your thread.  I mean that I could relate to some of it and am rooting for you and think that the goal you have for yourself is inspiring.  There are so many anxiety-provoking events throughout every day that facing them head on can make you just want to hide under the covers and I am enjoying seeing that you are tackling them.  Great job!

[Raincloak]

It was so hot last Friday and I so didn't wanna work or go out, so I gave my hair a trim instead.  Doesn't look half bad, whew.  Not super productive but needed doing.

 

then I busted ass at work all weekend, managed to face the overdue paperwork in the end and got it all done, albeit very last minute and had to spend $$ on a sandwich and drink (having burned right through a poorly packed lunch) to refill my MP.  Hope the boss will be happy.  I sure was happy to get rid of it. 

 

Also got to some very overdue laundry, still need to put things away but at least I have clean clothes.  Add to the lengthy to-do list: more closet triage.  I've made good progress, but need to do more.

 

Today I got to work early (yay) and then I just kinda ate and took a nap the rest of the day.  I need a walk but the air outside has been thick with smoke for over a week, and my eyes hurt.  Ugh.  Trying to talk myself into some interval burpees before bedtime.

 

still need to do job hunting, insurance stuff and medical stuff.  and the apartment's decaying into disorder again...

[Raincloak]

Today after work, I suited up with a hooded coat and gloves and tackled some wasp nests which had taken up residence in the shed of a rental house my parents own.  The tenants were complaining and we can't get an exterminator cause they don't wanna spray poison around their stuff.

 

(useful trivia: wasps really hate essential oils, notably clove, citrus and mint.  Spray them and they zoom right off, leaving the nest so you can toss it in a bucket of soapy water and destroy the larvae.  Nontoxic pest control ftw.)

 

Har har, wasps are less scary than making phone calls.  You may laugh now.  But really, Raincloak, if you can face down nests of stinging insects, how bad could a job interview be?  Those don't sting.... at least not physically.

[Raincloak]

Sent message to job lead today.  finally decided I've had it up to here with working 7 days a week and constantly being tired and broke.  A lot of my current problems would be solved with a better job.

Still got plenty more problems to solve after that of course, but I'm gonna focus on making progress for the nonce.

 

[Akura]

On 9.8.2017 at 6:51 AM, Raincloak said:

Today after work, I suited up with a hooded coat and gloves and tackled some...

 

...criminals in Star City? No?

[Roamer]

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you can pluck fear from your path. I might just start doing something like this for myself! I too can be a very anxious person - except I hate it. I mean I really hate it to the point where I'm willing to tackle whatever if it means getting rid of it. It seems like your methods are working for you so I think I'll start doing the same! Thanks for the inspiration Raincloak!