Dealing With Selfish, Self-Centered People

[Loren Wade]

Face it.

You have one of those friends.

• They can't help but talk about themselves all of the time and to the extreme that they don't listen to you.
  
• They might even genuinely care about you, but as soon as you tell them your problem, they're just waiting for the break in your story to intervene and talk about themself.
  
• You might even have an awesome story to tell them. You tell them this story and they use it to talk about themselves, congratulate you in passing, then more "me me me me me".
  

This drive me nuts.

So I ask my fellow rebels, how do you deal with these people?

I have a handful of friends like this and I'm at my wits end. Please discuss constructively.

Help me, fellow Rebels, you're my only hope.

[ETFnerd]

somehow, at the end of the day, i'm able to live with myself...

i'd say just go about your business and shed a tear for my unfortunate condition once in a while...

[Loren Wade]

ETF, you're not that way at all. Haha. <3

[HorrorGeek]

People are who they are. You can't change them. Me? I have found these types made me a better listener.

If you really need to talk, sit them down and tell them that - "Hey, I really need someone to listen to me right now. Can you do that for me?" If they can, in my opinion, they're worth keeping, eccentricities and all. If they can't, it's up to you whether your life would be better without them.

[Denny]

I know right! I have friends like that too! My friends that are like that drives me mad. I don't understand how they can be like that.

Kidding aside. I'm a light version of that myself, I believe there was an article on Art of Manliness. I think it is this one about Conversational Narcissism.

One-upping, getting the chance to state your point of view instead of speaking out of interest of another person. I am a sinner when it comes to this subject but I am aware of it, I think that article made it obvious to me.

The best advice I can give you is to bite the bullet and tell them straight, but with a neutral tone, that they have to stop their egocentric act. Emphasis on how it's annoying not only to you but several others and how it will hurt your friend in the long run. It's important to hit a home run on the ego, which means you have to tell it so it suits their point of view. To make it sound reasonable and a better choice to how they act, it must not hurt their ego. If you happen to sound too offensive they will back away and never open up for the opportunity.

If they read a lot of articles on the internet. Maybe the most subtle way would be to send them the article first, see if they get the hint, or else ease into the subject. Most people like to state their minds and conversational narcissism is very common in the internet age, I do however think people can learn how arrogant they can be if they are made aware about it. I did.

[ETFnerd]

it's interesting that this has never bothered me... i just walk away thinking, well that's an interesting person who probably doesn't have a lot of real friends... and feel sorry for them... i don't try to fix them... they'll learn eventually what being that way gets them...

also i wouldn't go to these people if i wanted to bounce my thoughts off of someone... is it that important that this particular "friend" listens to your thoughts if s/he doesn't care enough to listen?

[ZenGwen]

I've mostly stopped hanging out with them. See them at parties and such, give them hugs, let them talk at me for a few minutes, move on. Don't really go out of my way to hang out with them and try not to spend too much time with them, lest I go from "oh it was nice to see that person" to "holy christ, it's great she got another tattoo but it's not much of a surprise is it, did we really need a two hour explanation?"

Are you having these problems with particular people you really don't want to stop spending time with, Loren?

[Guest Gemeaux]

Thankfully my friends are different , but I used to have those friends .

I just don't let those people into my life , or tell them how I feel .

[cline]

We've always had one or two friends like that. To be honest, it got a lot worse when another set of friends from our group moved away (boo!!). Somehow it made the annoying behaviors worse - fewer people to mitigate it, less tolerance, and the other folks really ramped it up (less competition for attention). We actually just stopped making social plans with the worst of the worst. There were times we'd see each other 3 times in a weekend and not once did they ask how I was, what I was up to, nothing. Not even just "hey!! How are you?" . Just launched right into "here's all about me and how my life is so much better than your and how it's so much more dramatic than yours". I honestly couldn't take it any more. Then of course, the emails started (gah!!!). "My friends don't hang out with me any more...".

We passed one guy this weekend, who actually mocked us while we were working out (seriously?) and then sent a follow up text mocking us (Note: we were doing a bit of a light jog and walk combo as a light cardio day. He's proud of the fact that he's a yearly multi marathoner and once did an iron man). Then we got an email: are you ignoring me? My SO wrote back: kind of - you ignore us for months, blow us off, then mock us and then when we get together all you do is talk about drama you made up with your family. So, yeah, kind of. Supposedly they are having lunch today and will be talking about fixing the friendship.

So I guess long story short: I deal with it like a grown up child - I just can't be bothered and don't need that stress (and usually it's also a lot of negativity). My SO deals with it like a grown up, calls the guy out on it, and makes plans to try to fix it. I married a good man.

[AuroraNorth]

I've moved them from "friend" to "acquaintance" for the most part. I know they aren't the people to go to when I have a problem. We may hang out in a group, but one on one they grate.

[LRB]

I think it depends where it's coming from -- sometimes people chime in with their own experiences because they want to offer advice in a round-about way, or to let you know that they've been through something similar. If this is the case, you can address it head-on: sit them down and say something like "sometimes when I'm talking to you about a thought or a problem I'm having, you change the conversation to be about something you've done or experienced. I know you mean well, but it makes me feel that my issues are marginalized." And then, when you need them to listen, or to give you direct advice, or whatever -- then you say, before you start "this is one of those times when I really need this to be about me."

Option 2, if they will simply never change -- you live with it. You know that any conversation with them will turn into a conversation about them, and you decide if their presence in your life is worth that. You know to take true, deeper issues someplace else, you become a good listener to this person, and you try to figure out if any of what they're saying has ANY value to you at all.

Option 3, you grow apart from them -- some people just aren't worth the time and energy it takes to keep them in your life.

Good luck!

p.s. I just narrowly avoiding throwing in a few charming, witty, instructive, personal anecdotes about how this plays out in my life. Yikes!

[Zorch]

I've moved them from "friend" to "acquaintance" for the most part. I know they aren't the people to go to when I have a problem. We may hang out in a group, but one on one they grate.

100% agreed with this. People of that nature, I'm fine with in limited doses, but when forced to spend extended periods of 1-on-1 time around them I end up feeling exhausted.

And that's exactly what I'd recommend - small, not-too-frequent doses. Such people can be great to have around at parties or larger gatherings, but they wouldn't be my choice for serious, 1-on-1 conversations.

[skip-tracer]

I've possibly been a bit like those friends you describe at times. I'm not selfish at all but sometimes I catch myself steering conversations towards talking about myself, it's a bad habit. I think I'm basically a bit rubbish at conversation as well as being more introspective/ self analytical than is healthy. See, I'm doing it now...

Once or twice people have told me what I'm doing and although it wasn't nice to hear I now make sure to avoid it if I spot myself doing it.

[WizardTrip]

Loren....right there with you!

I have had a number of these in my life. Most of them have turned into more of acquaintances, like someone else mentioned, because of this. The constant one upping, not really listening to you, etc, just isn't worth holding on to them as close friends.

With that said, I still have one in my life. She is a good, close friend and always will be regardless of how much I want to push her aside sometimes. Knowing that I still want her as a friend, the way I deal with her is in doses. Too much time with her will drive me insane, so I take her bit by bit. When I'm at that point with her, I simply walk away. I have done this several times, and trust me, she notices. I also have no problem being honest with her and calling her out on some of these things as it is happening. A simple reminder of "It's not all about you" is sometimes the thing that will shut them up (at least for the moment). I have found that with my friend, no one has ever really been this forward with her. People have just accepted her like that and it has convinced me that she may not be aware of how she is, so I make it a point to make her see it at times.