Reevaluating my goals.

[reindeershaman]

So I did really well in my December/January first quest, back when they were six weeks. But I was lucky. I didn't get sick for long periods of time, which sometimes happens. February came and I did just that - body fell apart again. And that kind of demoralized me. Plus I've been traveling for work all through Feb and Mar, so I just quit to focus on travel, and get my head back together.

 

I think that part of the problem is that I really wanted to be able to give myself points and have a system whereby one checks off those points, and sees numerical progress, and so long as one manages to do the things, one will be OK and the points will grow. That's what my partner does. But I have to be realistic: I am coping with a chronic serious illness that is not going to get better and will continually relapse, plus a bunch of other genetic health problems. January was me pretending that I could do this like a normal person. I can't. I need to figure out what I can do, what's realistic for me, and set a challenge that gives me a better chance of ongoing success.

 

The one part of my challenge that I quit back in Feb that I actually did do was leafy greens every day. (Well, I count cabbage. I've grown it, those are leaves.) I only missed a couple of days, and that was because I was on a plane or just got back home and hadn't gone grocery shopping yet, and there was nothing in the house. But I've done really good with that. I've done really good with my diet in general. My partner has been amazed at how determinedly I stick to it. Of course, for me, "cheating" doesn't mean just a couple of extra pounds. It means a blood sugar spike, which makes me feel sick, and then immediate horrible weight gain within a day (when I pop out of ketosis), which is double what a normal person would gain because of my constant edema from the lupus nephritis (I'm on four diuretics and that barely keeps it in check for part of the day). So what would be a five-pound weight gain for someone else is a ten-pound weight gain for me. One piece of pie can mean ten pounds two days later. It's insane. So yeah, I don't cheat - immediate and severe consequences. I really don't care all that much about the weight gain, but the blood sugar sucks. And then my A1c will be worse later.

 

So this is my new potential plan: Stick with the leafy green thing as a goal - I think it's almost habit, I noticed that the last time I missed a day (this week, because of being on planes all day) I really craved the greens when I saw them in the store, so maybe my body is getting to the point where it will cue me. Which is good.

 

And, because I could be laid low for weeks with crippling pain and fatigue at any time ... every day I can take a walk, I take a walk. No blame for days when I can't. Before, I was trying to say, 3 walks a week and 2 tai chi practices a week. That was fun, checking off the days, racking up the little points. But it's not practical for me to try and guarantee X number of anything per given week. I have to say, even if I'm only capable ten days out of the month, so long as I did stuff those ten days, I win. If I don't grab every day that actually works, I lose. Work with the uncertainty.

 

So given that, I will start again March 29. Walking as far as is practical, no set length goal, on every day that I can physically manage it. No beating myself up mentally on days where I can't. I am not sure how to work in the tai chi, especially as it's dependent on some outside circumstances, but I'll ponder that over the next week, figure out what's reasonable. And today I can walk, so I'll do it, to start getting myself used to ... not the walking per se, but the discipline of "Can I walk today? Then get out there."

 

I need to remember: My life is constant uncertainty, and always will be. There's no point in pretending otherwise. Work around it. I do not need a point system to feel like I've accomplished something. It has to be more organic than that. Unfortunately. When I can, I will; when I can't, I'll do something else. (Should figure out an alternate thing on bad days. Not sure what to do about that.)

 

I have a "life goal" set too; my partner the Weasel helped me work out the first batch of details. It will be the next phase in my attempts to get organized and create a system whereby I come through on more of my commitments. I need to come up with a cool name for this process - I'm thinking Maegen Jacking. Maegen (the "ae" is pronounced like a short flat "a" as in "flat") is an old word for the personal power one earns by keeping one's word (and is an old cognate to "magic"), and I could use some jacking up of that.

 

 

[kheret]

Good work for knowing what is right for your health.

 

I think even with what seem like small steps, eventually bigger improvements will happen. So much is tied to diet anyway, so focusing on that first may lead to small improvements elsewhere. It usually does for me, anyway.

[reindeershaman]

And as if the Universe was testing me ... I felt OK yesterday, or at least OK enough to walk, if not fast. So I did. And tonight I am up with pain so bad I can't sleep. Not because of the walking, just because this is my life. And I need to be OK with the fact that I did what I could yesterday, and today is just not going to work out, and that's all right. So, working on that.