In need of support...

[Artinum]

Well, this came out of nowhere. I'm feeling rather churned up at the moment and I could use some kind words.

My partner had a talk with me tonight. There's something he's been keeping from me for a while and tonight he finally made himself tell me. He's been to the doctor and been diagnosed with something called General Anxiety Disorder. It's probably best described as a stuck switch - the panic centre in the brain (the one that does the fight/flight response and such) is stuck to "on" and it's affecting his thinking. He's finding it hard to sleep, he's lost his appetite and his mind is riddled with irrational fears - one of the biggest being that I'm going to leave him - and he can't shake them even though he knows they're stupid thoughts.

He's been given some tablets, but he's not keen on taking them at all (they do apparently have some unpleasant side effects in some cases). He's been recommended a course of CBT, which he's moderately hopeful for, and he's basically rather upset at the moment. And I'm now feeling somewhat upset myself. I don't really know what to do. I need something practical to do or I can't process it, which is just how my brain works.

I don't know quite what I expect any of you to DO, exactly...

We've had a bit of a talk, and it's clear to me that this has been bothering him for some time. Neither of us are much good at talking about stuff like this. He did say that he's concerned about his diet (he's always been a fussy eater) and general health (he's been on several tablet courses since I've known him) and he's been seriously overworking himself recently. I wonder if that's to cover up the anxiety rather than the cause of it. So I'm wondering if perhaps I can steer him onto a healthier lifestyle and maybe introduce him to some basic exercises. I can steam vegetables now. Perhaps I can cook some to his liking.

I have work to do tonight, but I simply can't focus on it. I may have to give up on anything practical for the evening and return to it with gusto tomorrow. And this thread, too, as I'm clearly starting to ramble.

[Artinum]

Went for a walk. At one point I started running - I just felt this emotional energy pent up inside demanding release. Now home again and a little tired, but feel better for having done something. And I earned about 76 points for Fitocracy in the bargain.

[progress126]

Can you persuade him to do research along with you in regards to the healthier lifestyle (both eating and excercise) and see if there are any (and I'm sure their are) benefits of it towards treating his anxiety? It might be easier to get him involved rather than dumping or trying to convince him to do it. And good on you for going for the walk turned into run!

[maggerson]

I would suggest sitting down and going over all the potential side effects. As busywork-like as it sounds, make a list of pros and cons with the medication that he's got. It sounds like he desperately wants your input with this, so I would be open and honest about everything. A reminder that you don't think he is broken/totally messed up/no longer the person for you could also be a good thing - a date night, maybe? I don't know. I'm sorry for both of you - anxiety is no picnic. Best of luck to you both.

[katpower]

For now, I think the best thing you can do is give him a hug, tell him you love him, and that you'll get through this together.

[Weazley]

As someone who's partner is going through a similar thing - I can completely empathise.

Its hard, and I hate feeling sometimes that if I say the wrong thing, or say something even just in the wrong way, it can spiral out of control in his head.

his mind is riddled with irrational fears - one of the biggest being that I'm going to leave him - and he can't shake them even though he knows they're stupid thoughts.

And this resonated with me like you wouldn't believe. The only thing you can do is reassure that you aren't going anywhere. Keep talking with him - the best thing you both can do is talk. My partner did take the tablets he was proscribed - and the only thing he said was it was like "a weight lifted off my shoulders". I can't say you're partner will have the same success - and if yours really doesn't like the idea of tablets, maybe look in to alternatives (meditation, natural remedies, aromatherapy?). But my thoughts about medication are that if he gets side affects, well stop taking them and go back to the doctor - are the potential gains worth the potential risks?

I'm not sure how much a change in diet or exercise would help - but walking or going for walks with him, might help.

Best of luck - and realise that you are not alone!

[azsf]

he may not be keen on taking more medication, but from every account i've heard on treating anxiety disorders medication has been a godsend. when you're sick for a long time, it can screw with your perception of what feeling "normal" is. even if hes worried about some side effects, id say take the meds and see how he feels. flipping that switch off so to speak may just be worth being a little nauseous. of course if the side effects are too severe, then stop.

not sure if you read Penny Arcade, but the artist there suffers from anxiety and has talked about it on a lot of occasions. can't dig up a link atm, but im sure you'd be able to find something without too much trouble. best of luck to you and your partner mate.

[GoGo]

As someone who has suffered with GAD all her life, one of the most helpful non-pharmaceutical treatments for me personally has been relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, muscle relaxation, meditation, etc. I find when I start to panic over something, I can usually decrease the severity of it and the length of the attack by doing some deep breathing and a "mini-meditation."

I've also find talking about my anxieties, even if it's just to the dog, while I'm in an attack, has helped. For me, it helps me hear them out loud and I can hear how they sound and the rational part of me kicks in to pick them apart. My dog helps in that she can't respond to my anxiety verbally (although she does physically by trying to get closer to me) and so she can't inadvertently fuel the attack by trying to rationalize with me. I've found that if I try to talk my anxieties out with someone who doesn't have an anxiety disorder, they go right into rationalization or dismissal, which only makes the attack last longer because now I'm being anxious about what they're saying, what they think of me, whether they'll still be my friend, etc. It's best to have a silent sounding board, for me anyway.

Another thing that has helped with mini-attacks, and most of mine revolve around death and me dying, is to immediately think of something else; anything else. The pattern on a cup; the book I'm looking forward to reading; a new movie coming out. Anything usually works if I can catch myself early enough before I go into full blown attack. This works especially well when an attack is triggered by an external source, such as a movie. I had an attack one time watching a suspense movie about a serial killer, but I was able to minimize the symptoms by concentrating instead on where the main character had played before.

Sorry this is long. I know people hate walls of text.

[Jcannon98188]

I have never had GAD, but have done CBT for other reasons. It really does help. Good luck to him man. Hopefully it all works out.

[Artinum]

He seems a bit happier at the moment, perhaps because he's got a specific anxiety to focus on - the anti-depressants he's been given are making him sick. It's been nine days now and he started out feeling/being sick, then it improved, and now it's worse. Not much we can do at the moment (bank holiday weekend...) but if it doesn't improve by Tuesday he's going back to the doctor. He's worried that he can't keep food down and will lose a lot of weight.

I am coping by getting on with some work. The office job is getting busy again and I seem to be drowning in stuff to do here. I'd very much like to be able to not sleep tonight, so I can get the housework done and some of my proofreading work. But I need sleep!

Walks are a definite plan, but not tonight. Actually, tonight we've been watching some DVDs. We've not done that in weeks. This weekend, rain permitting, will feature at least one walk.

[chasely]

My partner has been suffering from anxiety most of her adult life (plenty of trauma as a child/young adult) and I can empathize that it's really hard to deal with.

I'll agree that he should try and take the meds and stop if the side effects are too bad. I say this as someone who hates taking pills.

Hope things continue to get better bit by bit.

[Rivanariko]

As someone with anxiety who is also hesitant on the medication front, I can sympathize with both you and your partner. I've seen how hard it is for my husband to both understand and cope with some of my irrational and unreasonable fears. A lot of my anxiety is related to social situations, but he has a really hard time understanding how dialing a phone can be a terrifying experience for me.

The best thing you can do is to be supportive, remind him often that you're there, that you love him, and you want to help him through this however you can. As GoGo said, don't try to rationalize things, most of the time we know exactly how irrational we're being, which makes it worse. A hug and an "I love you" along with a listening ear goes a long way. Unless he says he doesn't want to be touched. I get panic attacks along with general anxiety and when they're really bad my nerve endings become hypersensitive, so any physical contact feels like I'm on fire. That's been a really hard one for my husband to accept, because his immediate mode of comforting me is always a hug, but pain doesn't make me calm down any faster!

[Artinum]

A hug and an "I love you" along with a listening ear goes a long way. Unless he says he doesn't want to be touched. I get panic attacks along with general anxiety and when they're really bad my nerve endings become hypersensitive, so any physical contact feels like I'm on fire. That's been a really hard one for my husband to accept, because his immediate mode of comforting me is always a hug, but pain doesn't make me calm down any faster!

Not a problem here - if he needs a hug, he'll ask for one. I'm always available for hugs. If anything, it's me with the social awkwardness and the aversion to touch. At least, unexpected touch - hypersensitivity can be rather enjoyable in the right circumstances! I'm not exactly normal myself...

[Rivanariko]

Not a problem here - if he needs a hug, he'll ask for one. I'm always available for hugs. If anything, it's me with the social awkwardness and the aversion to touch. At least, unexpected touch - hypersensitivity can be rather enjoyable in the right circumstances! I'm not exactly normal myself...

Haha, that it can!!

[Hermione Gainser]

Not a problem here - if he needs a hug, he'll ask for one. I'm always available for hugs. If anything, it's me with the social awkwardness and the aversion to touch. At least, unexpected touch - hypersensitivity can be rather enjoyable in the right circumstances! I'm not exactly normal myself...

I think you and your partner are the Euro version of myself and mine (or vice versa).

As the anxiety riddled one in the relationship I can say I agree with GoGo and Rivanariko. Specifically, I find relaxation techniques helpful. In terms of stress relief for the both of you, you may consider yoga in addition to walks, etc. Or, at least, recommending it to him as a way to help manage it.

And make sure you take care of yourself in any way you can. Let him know if you need something from him, too.

And sleep! Housework will be there in the morning.

[weirdquark]

I know several people who suffer from anxiety and while CBT or other kinds of therapy and meditation and such things can help, sometimes what is needed is the right kind of medication. Your partner might not need medication to control his anxiety for the rest of his life, but on the other hand, he might. And he may have to try several different things before finding what works for him. So yeah, both of you should pay attention to how the medication makes him feel and act and talk to his doctor and see if it helps more than it hurts or if the side effects make things worse in a new way and hopefully you'll get this sorted soon!

[Artinum]

An interesting development in my partner recently - he's cutting back on the cola. (I would have put "Coke" but that might have given the wrong idea!) He's been a big cola drinker since before I met him - easily getting through a 2-litre bottle a day, and sometimes more. And I've often wondered about the effect this has on his health. It's the diet stuff, so he stays slim, but that's a ton of caffeine.

And now, without any prompting from me, he's cutting back. Not stopping entirely, but drinking water at work now instead, and he's switched to camomile tea instead of the regular kind in the evenings. I know caffeine can affect mood, so maybe this is in response to the anxiety. But either way, I'm pleased he's doing it, and I told him this evening that I'd proud of him for doing it.

This weekend I'm hoping to get some vegetables into him, too, but one step at a time!

[leadchipmunk]

You'll definitely see an improvement in him since cutting back on the Coke. Even if it doesn't affect his GAD (I don't know if it will or not), his energy levels will most likely rise and he'll generally feel better. At least that's how it was when I cut back, and eventually quit, drinking pop.

Also, another supporter of controlled breathing and meditation. I use them on occasion whenever I feel some anxiety coming on or when my heart starts randomly going a mile a minute. Maybe teach him a few short meditation practices or set up a "safe place" he can mentally go to to release his anxiety. For example, mine is a large, empty dome with a pedestal in the center where I can form a ball of the energy I don't want and either cast it through a hole in the ceiling or just shrink it until it disappears. But he can use whatever makes him feel happy and more calm.