LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Jett]

Why do gifs that appeal to some form of higher power work but my happy dance gif doesn't?

It's because there's some stuff in the URL after ".gif". Usually, you can just drop that stuff and it'll work.

 

Is the binder comfortable? How do you feel with it on?

[Viscura]

YES! My first binder from gc2b finally arrived today! And it doesn't feel like I'm slowly being crushed by a boa constrictor! 

 

Apparently it won't let me put this gif in the post so here's the link to how it feels right about now.

 

 

 

Why do gifs that appeal to some form of higher power work but my happy dance gif doesn't?

 

Woo, first binder - congrats! How does it feel?

 

When I bought my current one, and found it was way better than my last and did good things to my body shape, I...may have done an "I feel so buff right now" strut around my flat

[Korra]

YES! My first binder from gc2b finally arrived today! And it doesn't feel like I'm slowly being crushed by a boa constrictor

Hey me too!! Feels great, doesn't it??

To everyone who offered their coming out and being open advice, I really want to thank you. I just moved back in with my university roommate, who was the first person I came out to, and tomorrow we're going camping with our friend group, most of whom don't know. And my roommate really subtly led the conversation to let me know it would be okay if I came out to several important people. Which is really nice. So yeah. I'm going to do the thing and be brave and live my life the way that I want, namely, openly! It's going to happen

[Madam_Patella]

It's because there's some stuff in the URL after ".gif". Usually, you can just drop that stuff and it'll work.

 

Is the binder comfortable? How do you feel with it on?

 

Oh, that's what it was. I'll have to remember to check next time. Thanks for the info!

 

It feels great! A bit like a new compression sports bra, but with the compression spread out enough to be comfortable. I keep smiling like an idiot when I put my shirt on and see how good it looks, especially how my shirt hangs from my shoulders now instead of my chest. When I first put it on, after the initial panic of trying to get it over my head, it just felt right. Not huge fireworks, just felt a little bit more like myself.

 

My warm fuzzy feelings aside, getting it on and off and wearing it for more than four hours will take a bit of getting used to. Probably will take breaks every few hours at home until it's broken in. (And I'll blame The Overlord my cat for the little scratches that came from my first almost-failed attempt to take it off. )

[Latsu Swagneel]

Oh, that's what it was. I'll have to remember to check next time. Thanks for the info!

It feels great! A bit like a new compression sports bra, but with the compression spread out enough to be comfortable. I keep smiling like an idiot when I put my shirt on and see how good it looks, especially how my shirt hangs from my shoulders now instead of my chest. When I first put it on, after the initial panic of trying to get it over my head, it just felt right. Not huge fireworks, just felt a little bit more like myself.

My warm fuzzy feelings aside, getting it on and off and wearing it for more than four hours will take a bit of getting used to. Probably will take breaks every few hours at home until it's broken in. (And I'll blame my cat for the little scratches that came from my first almost-failed attempt to take it off. )

Blame the cat for everything!

Sent front phone. Any mistakes are its fault.

[Jett]

That's awesome, Patella. I... I think I'm going to get one.

[Artinum]

Whenever I see the word "binder", I keep thinking of these things, which leads to some very odd mental images:

[Madam_Patella]

Haha, yeah I do that on occasion. Around my family I just call it a super bra with epic powers of squish (which reminds me of Tom from Khaos Komix) to help them understand it's purpose. I should totally put a cape on it sometime.

[Viscura]

I remember assuring one of my best friends, when I first talked about wearing a binder, that it wasn't some sort of torture device.

Cos c'mon, "chest binder" - tell me that doesn't sound like some medieval pain instrument!

[SolitaryOrchid]

Epic powers of squish...love it! I may start using that term.

[Korra]

Came out openly last night. Literally no one was surprised, but I'm still proud of myself. Thank you all for your support and advice. I like the version of myself that isn't hiding

[SolitaryOrchid]

My father-in-law said something that floored me. He said the Nazis had the right idea on how to deal with trans people, just shoot them. I can't believe anyone could think that is ok! He said all of this while I was not present and this is not the first time recently that my in-laws have spoken very aggressively toward trans people while I was not present. I am not out to them yet and now I'm wondering if it might not be better to move somewhere far away. If that's what thy think about trans people, how will they react to learning their son is married to one? I can't believe there is so much hate there all stemming from him seeing "a man in a dress" while he was out running errands.

 

There is a possibility they are catching on to my transition and this is their way of dropping hints. If these are their hints I don't feel very safe.

[Jett]

My father-in-law said something that floored me. He said the Nazis had the right idea on how to deal with trans people, just shoot them.

Oh my gosh, that is terrifying and horrible! 

 

I guess you'd better stay closeted around them for a while. Do you live close to them? Are you actually planning on moving?

 

I'm not expecting my spouse's coming out to be particularly pleasant in its reactions from both our parents. We currently live near my parents (but not his), and we have designs on moving to Hawaii. We're really tempted to wait until after the move before dropping that particular bomb. Having half the Pacific Ocean between as a safety barrier seems like a good idea.

Unfortunately, the transition is going to start much sooner than we're going to be able to move, so that probably won't work out... :/

[SolitaryOrchid]

We used to live very close but luckily are not any longer. I'm definitely planning to stay in the closet for as long as possible with them. I was so shocked to hear this being said. I knew coming out to the family was going to be rough no matter what but I really didn't expect these kinds of sentiments.

 

It's been a pipe dream of mine to move out to California where people will be more accepting and insurance will cover healthcare and such but I don't think it will be happening any time soon. I really hope moving does not become a necessity but that dream in my head keeps looking better.

 

Space can definitely help soften the blow. From what I've been reading, many trans people are able to successfully stay in the closet up to the year mark on HRT so depending on when the move is planned you may still be able to pull off waiting.

[Jett]

I think we have about 2 years, tops, before it's going to be pretty much impossible to hide the transition, if we're seeing them regularly. (And we do.)

Moving to Hawaii is at least 5 years away. We don't want to postpone the transition, so we probably have at least 3 years of awkwardness to look foreward to.

 

I have no idea if we should just wait as long as possible to explain things, until my parents just outright ask and we tell them what's going on, or if we should start talking about trans-related things a lot sooner, and sort of ease them into it. For those who have gone through a similar situation, any suggestions?

[duz_machines_1984]

WELL HI.

 

I didn't read all 136 pages, I'm going to admit it. I read the first couple and one comment that stuck out to me was that sexuality/gender identity wasn't really relevant to fitness, but it IS. I have such confusion as an ambigiously gendered creature as to should I look at "male" or "female" diet recommendations, do I register with male or female teams for things that aren't co-ed, which locker room do I use at a gym? (I like the gym) I tend to just not use the locker room altogether because of this issue, and I also feel like I'm subjected to a lot of problematic heterosexual masculinity in the gym, get stereotyped a lot based on my perceived gender and sexuality, etc. My point is that it probably doesn't seem like a big deal to someone who isn't LGBTQ, but a lot of us who are know that it impacts SO. MUCH. in our daily lives.

 

I know that is from a million years ago and it's probably already been said, but I wanted to throw that out. Hi! I'm Duz!

[Viscura]

My father-in-law said something that floored me. He said the Nazis had the right idea on how to deal with trans people, just shoot them. I can't believe anyone could think that is ok! He said all of this while I was not present and this is not the first time recently that my in-laws have spoken very aggressively toward trans people while I was not present. I am not out to them yet and now I'm wondering if it might not be better to move somewhere far away. If that's what thy think about trans people, how will they react to learning their son is married to one? I can't believe there is so much hate there all stemming from him seeing "a man in a dress" while he was out running errands.

 

There is a possibility they are catching on to my transition and this is their way of dropping hints. If these are their hints I don't feel very safe.

 

That's horrible Sounds like it's very possible you might be safer away from them, if that's something that's possible. At the very least, make sure you surrounded yourself with supportive people, who can help protect you <3

 

P.S. I'm just reading your blog. I have a similar thing going on, it feels good to share it all.

 

 

 

WELL HI.

 

I didn't read all 136 pages, I'm going to admit it. I read the first couple and one comment that stuck out to me was that sexuality/gender identity wasn't really relevant to fitness, but it IS. I have such confusion as an ambigiously gendered creature as to should I look at "male" or "female" diet recommendations, do I register with male or female teams for things that aren't co-ed, which locker room do I use at a gym? (I like the gym) I tend to just not use the locker room altogether because of this issue, and I also feel like I'm subjected to a lot of problematic heterosexual masculinity in the gym, get stereotyped a lot based on my perceived gender and sexuality, etc. My point is that it probably doesn't seem like a big deal to someone who isn't LGBTQ, but a lot of us who are know that it impacts SO. MUCH. in our daily lives.

 

I know that is from a million years ago and it's probably already been said, but I wanted to throw that out. Hi! I'm Duz!

 

Hi Duz! I read a fair bit of this thread, but I never got through the entire lot either, just kinda jumped in after a while

 

I have so far solved the gym issue by not going to a gym, hehe. Having never been in a gym before in my life, it's not been something I've been ready to do whilst still in the first stages of transition. Still got a chest not wholly hidden by a binder, not yet on hormones (because getting the blood tests has turned into a saga lasting, so far, 2 months), and in no way confident that I'm safe. If I do pluck up the courage to go, it'll be by avoiding the locker room entirely for a while, and only after speaking with someone in a managerial position to ensure I am supported.

 

Gym aside though, I found out that there's a Taw Kwon Do class every week right across the street from me, which is something I've wanted to do for years. So I emailed the instructors, outed myself and explained that it was difficult to come into a new place like that. They came back super supportive, and I'm going for a visit and a proper chat during the class time next week.

 

But there's more than even just passing and body dysphoria issues around fitness and being trans. I know as soon as the hormones hit, that changes will start, and they'll affect everything, including very particular things related to fitness like amount of muscle, fat storage, centre of balance, etc.

 

I'll stop before I write a mini essay, but you get the point

[SolitaryOrchid]

 

P.S. I'm just reading your blog. I have a similar thing going on, it feels good to share it all.

 

 

It does feel good. I've been reading a little of yours too and it's always nice to know when we are not alone.

[Igaduma]

I came out when I was 19.  Ever since that day I've been out and proud.  I'm by no means the caricatural "fairy" but I am fairly obvious.  I make no effort to hide it, under any circumstances.

And then 8 weeks ago I started going to a gym (I'm new to the whole getting tired on purpose thing) and during a conversation in the lockerroom my relationship-status came up.  And I lied about it (well, I didn't lie about it technically; I said I don't have a girlfriend... and I really don't).  That's the first time I've not been totally open about being gay.

 

So I spent some time thinking about why all of the sudden I hid my sexuality.  

 

I think it's because I'm afraid of "weirding them out".  I would understand if they felt uncomfortable sharing a lockerroom and showers with someone who might or might not see them as a sexual object.  I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

 

But hiding it is uncomfortable for me.  I feel like I'm crawling back into the closet.

 

Not sure what to do with this.

 

Iggy

[Jett]

I think it's because I'm afraid of "weirding them out".  I would understand if they felt uncomfortable sharing a lockerroom and showers with someone who might or might not see them as a sexual object.  I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

 

But hiding it is uncomfortable for me.  I feel like I'm crawling back into the closet.

It's not too surprising that you didn't want to out yourself in a locker room. Recently (at least around where I live), locker rooms and bathrooms have been a "big deal" - mostly for transexuals, but if you consider the arguments against having transexuals in the locker rooms of the gender they identify with, it actually ends up sounding like people are uncomfortable with the idea of being vulnerable in the same space as someone who could be sexually attracted to them. Which is kind of stupid, but whatever.

 

The important question here is, do you feel safe outing yourself to the gym guys around you? Do you think any of them would react poorly (or even violently), or complain to management and try to get you removed from the gym? Honestly, that would be total bullshit if they did, but it's still a possibility in the world we live in. Did you instinctively hide your orientation because some part of you was saying, "this could endanger me"? Or was it just a matter of getting caught off-guard and saying something poorly thought out?

 

If you don't feel like there would be any danger in being open about your sexuality at the gym, then the next time the subject comes up, you can make an offhand comment about going out with dudes, and they'll get the idea. If you do feel it could be dangerous, then assess the situation... maybe even talk with management about it. As long as you are not doing anything inappropriate in the locker room, like obvious checking out some guy's ass or making unwanted sexual advances, I doubt it will actually be a problem??

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

It's not too surprising that you didn't want to out yourself in a locker room. Recently (at least around where I live), locker rooms and bathrooms have been a "big deal" - mostly for transexuals, but if you consider the arguments against having transexuals in the locker rooms of the gender they identify with, it actually ends up sounding like people are uncomfortable with the idea of being vulnerable in the same space as someone who could be sexually attracted to them. Which is kind of stupid, but whatever.

I disagree. I don't think it's stupid to be uncomfrotable undressing in forn of someone who might think of you as a sexual object. I'd feel much less uncomfortable stripping down in front of a bunch of dudes vs a bunch of ladies (as a straight man). Some people comfortable with letting in all hang loose and people checking out their goods, but there are also the shy types that aren't.

 

I do agree that there should be no issue wiht being out in the locker room as long as you're not overtly leering or anything. The only problem is that there is bound to be the random biggot now and again like anywhere else, and in such a vulnerable and private environment as a locker room they might handle themselves differently than if they were out in public.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Oh right. Locker rooms. That's going to be a blast when I enter the men's locker room at GoodLife after having top surgery.

 

Especially since all the people and instructors there are used to me going into the women's change rooms, and have been for the last 4 years :| (Because I'm not on hormones and felt awkward as fuck going into the men's change room when I looked way too much like a woman.)

 

Any protips to reduce the awkwardness? I have about 4 weeks lol

[Jett]

I disagree. I don't think it's stupid to be uncomfrotable undressing in forn of someone who might think of you as a sexual object. I'd feel much less uncomfortable stripping down in front of a bunch of dudes vs a bunch of ladies (as a straight man). Some people comfortable with letting in all hang loose and people checking out their goods, but there are also the shy types that aren't.

Okay, I see what you're saying. However, let me expand/defend my point a little:

 

It's "stupid", in my opinion, to be concerned that people around you might possibly find you sexually attractive, because there's really no way to guard against it except by changing in the separate handicapped bathroom stall or something. There are people who are the same gender as you who will find you attractive, so splitting people apart by gender, as we generally do, is not a catch-all solution. The thing is, just because someone could find you attractive doesn't necessarily mean that they will. There's no reason to freak out about it and be self-conscious.

 

I am NOT saying that it's okay to be leered at or made uncomfortable in any way by the actions of someone who is sexually attracted to you. People need to keep that shit to themselves and understand that no means no. But the mere presence of someone who could, in remote possibility, be attracted to you, should not be a good reason to freak out or make life unpleasant for them.

 

@Nax: Uhhh... switch gyms?? That's all I got, sorry. x_x

[K-Prime]

Oh right. Locker rooms. That's going to be a blast when I enter the men's locker room at GoodLife after having top surgery.

 

Especially since all the people and instructors there are used to me going into the women's change rooms, and have been for the last 4 years :| (Because I'm not on hormones and felt awkward as fuck going into the men's change room when I looked way too much like a woman.)

 

Any protips to reduce the awkwardness? I have about 4 weeks lol

Congrats on getting your top surgery done! Yay major step!

Do you feel comfortable at all talking to the employees/instructors at your gym to let them know? That would hopefully avoid any awkward questions from them. I know the instructors at my gym are very friendly but pretty obtuse. I would feel comfortable talking to at least one of them and asking her to pass it on, just to avoid them saying something awkward to me on my way to the change room. 

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Okay, I see what you're saying. However, let me expand/defend my point a little:

 

It's "stupid", in my opinion, to be concerned that people around you might possibly find you sexually attractive, because there's really no way to guard against it except by changing in the separate handicapped bathroom stall or something. There are people who are the same gender as you who will find you attractive, so splitting people apart by gender, as we generally do, is not a catch-all solution. The thing is, just because someone could find you attractive doesn't necessarily mean that they will. There's no reason to freak out about it and be self-conscious.

 

I am NOT saying that it's okay to be leered at or made uncomfortable in any way by the actions of someone who is sexually attracted to you. People need to keep that shit to themselves and understand that no means no. But the mere presence of someone who could, in remote possibility, be attracted to you, should not be a good reason to freak out or make life unpleasant for them.

 

@Nax: Uhhh... switch gyms?? That's all I got, sorry. x_x

 

I don't think being concerned/uncomfortable is stupid just because they can't do anything about it. Being uncomfortable undressing in front of someone who might see you as a sexual object is completely valid. A gender/sexuality non-confrming person is more likely to fit that description. People have idiosyncracies that they're going to freak out about, and they shouldn't be judged as "stupid" for that.

 

What I think is stupid is if those that are uncomfortable expect there to be sweeping rule or facility changes due to their discomfort. It's on them to understand the issue is with them and their discomfort, not with that a gay/trans man/woman is in a locker room that isn't the one that traditional gender/sexuality would dictate. If they're uncomfortable, they need to realize it's on them to take steps for themselves to assuage that by, like you said, getting dressed/undressed in a handicap stall or something. Taking it out on the perseived source is wrong.

 

But that's something we all know here. Unfortunately, I don't believe most people are educated on LGBTQA issues, with the combination of the ability to self-reflect and realize the discomfort issue is theirs, to accomlish what i laid out above. Because of that, being out in a locker room does probably have a higher risk associated than being out in the rest of public spaces, and they need to be weighed in any decision.