Unhealthy family members, and what to do about it

[Katariana]

If your parents aren't actually ready, there really isn't anything you can do but wait with open arms and mind for when they are.  They might give you false starts!  It's up to you to determine how to handle the false starts and how long to stick with it.  Honestly, just being there when they need you and making sure they know you'll be non-judgmental is probably the best thing.  (It's also generally the best thing with addicts, too, as painful as it is.)

 

Reading this made me think, being unhealthy -is- an addiction. I mean, we don't really think of that way usually and it seems kinda harsh. But, when you're continually doing bad things to your body (eating the wrong food, too much food, not exercising) even though you know its a danger to your health, but its incredibly hard to stop, I mean, that's generally an addiction. People are addicted to bad food, to feeling overly full, to the couch - things that make them comfortable. I know at one point I read an article about how kicking a sugar habit was actually worse than heroin in terms of withdrawl. Im not sure if I totally buy into that because trying to come down off heroin can kill you, but anyone who has ever tried to get rid of all sugar (even natural sugar in fruit) for a few days knows how hard it can be. I did it once and was in tears. 

 

Maybe the best way to approach this is as if they had an addiction. Its true, you can't run up to a drug addict, take away all their drugs, get them clean, and not have them relapse unless they are ready for it. Even once they're clean, they'll just go out to buy more drugs in a weak moment. But you can talk to someone you love, in an non-threatening way, and hopefully over time with positive reinforcement you can get them to get to the decision themselves. Sort of like showing them what their life -could- be like, if they just did x,y, and z. A lot of times people will decide its worth it to be able to get that life. Maybe it's all about showing them its possible - people don't reach for or strive for what they don't think they can achieve. When someone realizes the only thing standing in their way is themselves its really an "Ah ha!" moment. Maybe you can lead them to that realization?

 

Maybe approaching this in the way of what changes can they make in their life (with you helping from afar) isn't the right way to approach it. Because even once that charity walk is over or the new recipes run out they might go right back to their old habits (or maybe theyll decide its super easy and was fun and stick with it). But a more solid approach could be leading them to the mentality behind this - and getting them to the realization that they -can- do this, and that it -is- worth it, and that they -want- to change. Like, maybe change their mentality and philosophy first, and habits second. (Of course that could be kind of circular too, because sometimes changes your habits changes your mentality, but its just another idea out there).

[UberTumbleweed]

Maybe the best way to approach this is as if they had an addiction. Its true, you can't run up to a drug addict, take away all their drugs, get them clean, and not have them relapse unless they are ready for it. Even once they're clean, they'll just go out to buy more drugs in a weak moment. But you can talk to someone you love, in an non-threatening way, and hopefully over time with positive reinforcement you can get them to get to the decision themselves. Sort of like showing them what their life -could- be like, if they just did x,y, and z. A lot of times people will decide its worth it to be able to get that life. Maybe it's all about showing them its possible - people don't reach for or strive for what they don't think they can achieve. When someone realizes the only thing standing in their way is themselves its really an "Ah ha!" moment. Maybe you can lead them to that realization?

 

I've been to a lot of addiction support meetings, and what I've heard from addicts is that your suggested method didn't work for them.  I've heard from a lot of people who love addicts that taking that track almost broke them, because the addicts didn't respond and it made the relationships worse.

 

I do have an aunt for whom that sort of method did work.  But I have two unhealthy parents and seven other drug-addicted family members for whom that stuff never did work.  It pushed them away from us so that they didn't come to us when they did want our help, because we'd shown ourselves to be unsupportive in their minds.  For my own part, that's how I reacted with people treated me that way about my depression. 

 

It's such a fraught issue and there are absolutely no easy answers.  There might not even be any right answers.  But I truly believe that real change has to come from inside the person who's changing, that you can't use your own motivation to make someone else's choices, especially with addicts.

[Maris Stella]

This might sound ridiculous, but the idea that an unhealthy lifestyle is like an addiction is actually comforting to me...because my mom is a recovered alcoholic. She quit cold turkey (which was not advisable and certainly had its own laundry list of problems, but did demonstrate a lot of willpower) and has never looked back. My dad actually quit drinking as well, to be supportive. They also both gave up cigarette habits many years ago. So I know they can do it! For addicts, they have a pretty good track record!

 

But you're right, UberT.  The time my mom tried to get sober before this success, was when I was a pre-teen. She said she was going to get sober for me, and it only lasted two months. It wasn't until several years ago that she finally decided to do it for her.

 

I read something not too long ago about how being overweight and unhealthy is the kind of addiction people have who want to self-destruct without inconveniencing other people. It was an interesting idea. Unlike alcohol and drugs, unhealthy people can really convince themselves that, since their habit doesn't prevent them from working or cause them to be violent, it's their prerogative. The argument hinged on this idea that it's the least selfish of addictions, and the most closely tied to poor self-esteem.

 

This is making me thing of the situation really differently.

 

In my experience with my parents' addictions, it was about presenting them with very non-judgmental support, while at the same time not participating in their bad behavior. But this is sort of different...those chemical addictions are much more obviously slavery to a habit, whereas eating and not exercising seem more "normal." You do have to eat, after all. Unlike with the booze and smoking, they can't just remove all food from the house and never buy it again.

 

If obesity is, at it's root, a lack of self-love, I wonder if I shouldn't just focus all my energy on building them up. I think I could probably sneak in suggestions like cooking classes, charitable 5k's and other positive activities, but under the umbrella of fostering their sense of worth.

[MariahSnow]

This might sound ridiculous, but the idea that an unhealthy lifestyle is like an addiction is actually comforting to me...because my mom is a recovered alcoholic. She quit cold turkey (which was not advisable and certainly had its own laundry list of problems, but did demonstrate a lot of willpower) and has never looked back. My dad actually quit drinking as well, to be supportive. They also both gave up cigarette habits many years ago. So I know they can do it! For addicts, they have a pretty good track record!

 

But you're right, UberT.  The time my mom tried to get sober before this success, was when I was a pre-teen. She said she was going to get sober for me, and it only lasted two months. It wasn't until several years ago that she finally decided to do it for her.

 

I read something not too long ago about how being overweight and unhealthy is the kind of addiction people have who want to self-destruct without inconveniencing other people. It was an interesting idea. Unlike alcohol and drugs, unhealthy people can really convince themselves that, since their habit doesn't prevent them from working or cause them to be violent, it's their prerogative. The argument hinged on this idea that it's the least selfish of addictions, and the most closely tied to poor self-esteem.

 

This is making me thing of the situation really differently.

 

In my experience with my parents' addictions, it was about presenting them with very non-judgmental support, while at the same time not participating in their bad behavior. But this is sort of different...those chemical addictions are much more obviously slavery to a habit, whereas eating and not exercising seem more "normal." You do have to eat, after all. Unlike with the booze and smoking, they can't just remove all food from the house and never buy it again.

 

If obesity is, at it's root, a lack of self-love, I wonder if I shouldn't just focus all my energy on building them up. I think I could probably sneak in suggestions like cooking classes, charitable 5k's and other positive activities, but under the umbrella of fostering their sense of worth.

 

It's kind of a thing in my office to comment on the weight of other people negatively. And lately it's really bothered me and one day I spoke up and basically said, "everyone has issues, baggage, and problems. People who struggle with weight are just wearing their problems and we just express our issues in other ways." To me, food is one of the hardest addictions because you HAVE to eat. You don't have to drink. You don't have to smoke. 

[Katariana]

I think building them up is the best possible solution - it ties back in to what I said about people being afraid of failure. Sometimes when you're overweight you feel like you don't have a choice - like its genetics, you were born that way, its not like *you* would have a shot at succeeding, you're just not one of *those* people who can be healthy.. You say "forget it" a lot and eat what you want or don't exercise. You accept yourself the way you are - but in a depressing instead of self-loving way. I think as you get older it becomes worse - because you feel like you've been that way your whole life. You are down on yourself all the time. People don't try when they don't think they can succeed, and they don't reach for things that are impossible. Its like, right now, being 25 and married Im not going to be able to become the prima ballerina for the New York ballet when Ive never done dance before and Im super uncoordinated. So why drop everything in my life to try? If it didnt work out Id just be embarrassed, and I don't think I have what it takes. (Of course, with my mindset, if it was really a dream of mine Id go for it regardless - but that's because Im confident and happy)

 

People who aren't like that would focus on the reasons they -cant- do it. And it is a self esteem thing, and an addiction

[Georges]

I don't know how much you can change someone else's sense of self worth, and I'm not sure what you can do/say to try (aside from letting them know that you value them), but I really like the suggestion of focusing on their self-esteem.  For one thing, if you think about it, you'd probably rather have overweight, inactive parents who have a healthy sense of self-worth than fit parents with no love for themselves.  For another, addressing the underlying problem is probably more effective.  And, of course, if the physical habits changed but the underlying problem didn't, it would likely present itself as a new set of symptoms.

 

I also liked the advice someone upthread gave about making sure that positive changes focus on adding good things instead of removing bad things.  Whether it's meal ideas or how they spend their leisure time, as they add healthy choices, some of their unhealthy choices will slide out of their schedules.