Handling negative self-talk - how do you do it?

[Huntress]

Sooo... for a long time now I've had this nasty little voice in my head that tries to make me feel crap about myself. Until lately it's been silent about the whole exercise thing but the more enthusiastic I get about strength training and the more people realise I'm someone who exercises, the more I feel pressure to be 'fit' and the more I feel like a fraud for not being that ideal of 'fitness'. 

 

Sample thoughts:

"I'm a joke, I can barely move any weight when I lift, I don't have the right to call myself a powerlifter"
"Did you really think that fitness was something you could ever be good at? This isn't for you"

"You'll never improve, you'll never get better, eventually you'll realise that you suck at this and you should quit"
"Look around at this yoga class, you're the worst person here"
"What's the point in going for a run, it's not like you'll ever even run 5k" (the funny thing is that I have run 5k on a treadmill and according to my ipod I've run 5k as well! But, my brain doesn't let me believe it's true, says the treadmill and ipod are lying)

Charming, right? Man, gotta love being inside my head.

Does anyone else have to combat this kind of hateful self-talk when they exercise? What do you do about it??

 

 

[CrisciMalosh]

I have battled negative self talk all of my life. It is a hard battle to win, but it can be won. 

 

First step is to post little notes to yourself wherever you will see them about how awesome you are, how you deserve good things, whatever you will smile when you see

 

then you need to focus on changing the negative statements to a positive one midstream... "I suck at this, why bother?" Has to become "I suck at this, but I will get better just to prove myself wrong!"

 

If you can accomplish those two things, then you can really get a handle on that crap going through your head, and find some inner peace.

 

Good luck!

[SeeingRed]

I used to deal with this alot. I dealt with the negative self-talk by using it as motivation to prove myself wrong. But I agree Crisci, post little notes that you will see all the time saying something that will motivate you. 

[Rostov]

Sounds like it might be similar to what I've seen called "imposter syndrome"..... this is when someone doesn't feel that they belong where they are (in exercise classes, in the job they have, in the career they have) and worries that they're going to get "found out" at any moment, or that whatever administrative error allowed them to slip through the net will be discovered. From what I've read it's common even among (and perhaps especially among) people who are successful and who can't quite believe it.

 

I've felt this quite strongly at the first 5k parkrun that I went to.  Rationally I knew that these runs were for everyone, and could even be walked if people wanted to, and that my training time (if replicated) should see me to a finishing position comfortably clear of the slowest runners.  I knew, in short, that I wouldn't disgrace myself, and it wasn't the kind of event in which there even was any 'disgrace'.  But still.... still the voice in my head telling me that I'm not really a runner and that I've got no business being there.  It's not a nice feeling.

 

As for what the solution is, I'm really not sure.  I think ignoring the voice is probably the only way, but I think understanding where it comes from can help.  I think there's an initial rush with exercise if you're new to it - that you're here at all, doing it, participating, is brilliant and you're a winner.  But then you start doing it regularly, that feeling fades, and suddenly you're starting to look around you and comparing yourself to others.  I think with any new skill or activity there's a brilliant early phase where big improvements in performance and skill are common, and then the realisation of just how good some people are, and of just how much you can't do/don't know start to creep in.

 

I think time and practice helps overcome those voices.  The second Parkrun I did I didn't feel out of place, didn't lurk around towards the very back of the pack at the start, and did feel like I had the right to be there.  I think reinvention takes time and practice, and the key thing is to stick with exercise, don't forget what's already been achieved, and only listen to the more reasonable voices!

 

It's not an easy or pleasant thing to push through, and for some people with some activities it never entirely goes away.

[jbbadger]

I've dealt with, and continue to deal with this in every part of my life. I had a counselor suggest writing all those thoughts down, and thinking them through and seeing how wrong they were. There were a few that weren't that wrong, but they just gave me goals.

 

I recently moved and found the sheet of paper I had been using. I was just going to throw the paper out, but then I had an idea. Burn it. I re-read the list, it was not an easy thing to do, then I lit it on fire and watched it burn to ashes. It really lifted a burden.

 

I've recently been dealing with the negative self talk a lot so I think I need to start keeping a list a burning it once the paper gets full, or maybe every week. Give it a try. As long as you are safe with the fire the worst that can happen is it doesn't help.

[Huntress]

Sounds like it might be similar to what I've seen called "imposter syndrome"..... this is when someone doesn't feel that they belong where they are (in exercise classes, in the job they have, in the career they have) and worries that they're going to get "found out" at any moment, or that whatever administrative error allowed them to slip through the net will be discovered. From what I've read it's common even among (and perhaps especially among) people who are successful and who can't quite believe it.

 

I've felt this quite strongly at the first 5k parkrun that I went to.  Rationally I knew that these runs were for everyone, and could even be walked if people wanted to, and that my training time (if replicated) should see me to a finishing position comfortably clear of the slowest runners.  I knew, in short, that I wouldn't disgrace myself, and it wasn't the kind of event in which there even was any 'disgrace'.  But still.... still the voice in my head telling me that I'm not really a runner and that I've got no business being there.  It's not a nice feeling.

 

As for what the solution is, I'm really not sure.  I think ignoring the voice is probably the only way, but I think understanding where it comes from can help.  I think there's an initial rush with exercise if you're new to it - that you're here at all, doing it, participating, is brilliant and you're a winner.  But then you start doing it regularly, that feeling fades, and suddenly you're starting to look around you and comparing yourself to others.  I think with any new skill or activity there's a brilliant early phase where big improvements in performance and skill are common, and then the realisation of just how good some people are, and of just how much you can't do/don't know start to creep in.

 

I think time and practice helps overcome those voices.  The second Parkrun I did I didn't feel out of place, didn't lurk around towards the very back of the pack at the start, and did feel like I had the right to be there.  I think reinvention takes time and practice, and the key thing is to stick with exercise, don't forget what's already been achieved, and only listen to the more reasonable voices!

 

It's not an easy or pleasant thing to push through, and for some people with some activities it never entirely goes away.

 

Rostov your comment is very perceptive. You've described exactly how I feel - I have this panicked feeling that I am a fitness "fraud" and one day my friends and family will "find out" and realise I am no good! And I'm also at the point you're talking about. At the beginning of the year I didn't even know how to do a bodyweight squat, so just through learning the basics, I made big gains. But now I can do the classic lifts, and I realise how much more other people can move, or how much better they understand the movements and how much better their form is. And I get intimidated, and start feeling like I'm not any good, and like maybe I will never be any good. 

 

Thanks for sharing your experiences with the parkrun, I could relate a lot to your thought patterns. I'm so glad you showed that self-doubt who's boss!! And I'm glad to hear it got better the second time round.

 

I have battled negative self talk all of my life. It is a hard battle to win, but it can be won. 

 

First step is to post little notes to yourself wherever you will see them about how awesome you are, how you deserve good things, whatever you will smile when you see

 

then you need to focus on changing the negative statements to a positive one midstream... "I suck at this, why bother?" Has to become "I suck at this, but I will get better just to prove myself wrong!"

 

If you can accomplish those two things, then you can really get a handle on that crap going through your head, and find some inner peace.

 

Good luck!

 

The idea of the post it notes is interesting... I'll put some on my mirror. It's one of those things that I think "no way that could work" but then you and others are saying that it helped you... so I'm open to it and will give it a go

 

I've dealt with, and continue to deal with this in every part of my life. I had a counselor suggest writing all those thoughts down, and thinking them through and seeing how wrong they were. There were a few that weren't that wrong, but they just gave me goals.

 

I recently moved and found the sheet of paper I had been using. I was just going to throw the paper out, but then I had an idea. Burn it. I re-read the list, it was not an easy thing to do, then I lit it on fire and watched it burn to ashes. It really lifted a burden.

 

I might just write down the thoughts. I think the technique that you are suggesting is good, but it seems like it comes from cognitive behaviour therapy, and I don't seem to do so well on that - I come up with reasons why the thought is stupid, and then I come up with reasons why the reasons are stupid, and then I come up with more reasons, and it just gets into a cognitive spiral! But, you are kind of reminding me it would be good to see a therapist, and the public healthcare system here will subsidise it, so thank you.

Thanks all for your kind and compassionate responses - you make me feel a lot less alone in this experience.

[CrisciMalosh]

Yeah, I scoffed at first too... but it actually helped me out a lot.

[SkyeRose]

I read something a while ago that has stuck. When I have a negative thought, I recognise it rather than fight it.

In my head it goes "I am hopeless and can not lift anything, I am making no progress" then "okay, that is a negative thought that will not help me achieve my goal". I then try to distract myself from the thoughts, play music, dance, call a friend, lift some heavy stuff, yoga, whatever works. Another thing that helps is reminding yourself that these thoughts are normal and everyone doubts themselves.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

If you want to make change, the key is first pretending that you are the thing you want to be. Pretend enough aand act that character enough, and you will slowly come to believe that fantasy as truth and become the character you once pretended to be.

 

I did this to get my self confidence up. I used to have none. I started pretending like I did, telling myself I was awesome even though I didn't really believe it. Slowly but surely I came to truly believe it, and now it's part of who I am.

[CrisciMalosh]

If you want to make change, the key is first pretending that you are the thing you want to be. Pretend enough aand act that character enough, and you will slowly come to believe that fantasy as truth and become the character you once pretended to be.

 

I did this to get my self confidence up. I used to have none. I started pretending like I did, telling myself I was awesome even though I didn't really believe it. Slowly but surely I came to truly believe it, and now it's part of who I am.

 

 

See, I think that is what those little notes do, and forcing yourself to change the negative to a positive... it in a way reprograms you into thinking that you are the badass that you actually are. I just said it in a more girly way =)

[MoogleStomp]

Maybe my experience with this is a little different since I had a lot of depression/social anxiety type negative self thoughts ("omg that person is totally laughing about how stupid I just sounded" etc) but I found that meditation really helped. I found just sitting and not thinking about and just watching the thoughts that would pop into my mind was really telling. I would be all alone and I would still have weird negative self talk. So being able to recognize those thoughts and also being able to recognize that they came completely out of no where helped. I found that recognizing that I would have them even without anything going on meant that all of that was just made up in my mind and not based in reality AT ALL. And in some way I knew that before but actually watching the whole process of negative self talk from start to finish really cemented it in my mind. That then allowed me to transfer that skill of recognizing completely irrationally negative self talk to using it on the fly and just letting it go. Hope that made sense.

[Guest CyborgNinja]

Become too much of a winner for that kind of negative thought process to be even remotely believable. 

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Become too much of a winner for that kind of negative thought process to be even remotely believable.

I'm beginning to not like you.

[daniellecross]

I have been dealing with it my entire life.  Without having a poor me moment I will say the reason I think that way is because I had a not so wonderful stepdad who would make me stay at the table till I ate everything on my plate even if I was full, then he would call me fat and make me do situps.  I tell you this because, I believe, it has been the number one reason I have always failed in fitness in the past.  He made me feel like I wasn't good enough and exercising was the absolute opposite of fun, not to mention all the times I have tried to take control of my weight it just takes me back to that emotional place and I would give up.  Not being able to get over that has kept me in a continuous rut, until now.  It may sound silly but, have a little sit down with yourself.  Figure out why you are thinking the way you do and then build a path out of there.  There really is nothing more empowering than the feeling of being able to take control of your body and feeling good about yourself.  I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

[I-Jo]

Become too much of a winner for that kind of negative thought process to be even remotely believable. 

there is unfortunately some truth to that- and some none truth.

 

I'm fucking fabulous.

 

And I still have shit depressing ass days.  So being so awesome all the time- you still have down days- but part of the reason why I rock my awesomeness- so to keep my less than awesome doubting voice at bay. (and it's quiet loud sometimes).  

 

I'm beginning to not like you. 

 

lol catch up already will you!!!

 

 

Go be fabulous- go be fierce my love.

 

Be untouchable.  Allow yourself to know you aren't like that 24/7. It's just not possible- we can't ALWAYS be awesome. And that's okay.  But take the awesome to huge heights the next day- and that's TOTALLY okay.  

[CrisciMalosh]

I-Jo, the more I read your posts, the more I fucking admire you! You, dear lady, always say the right thing! Keep rocking!

[Horsedog]

Sooo... for a long time now I've had this nasty little voice in my head that tries to make me feel crap about myself. Until lately it's been silent about the whole exercise thing but the more enthusiastic I get about strength training and the more people realise I'm someone who exercises, the more I feel pressure to be 'fit' and the more I feel like a fraud for not being that ideal of 'fitness'. 

 

Sample thoughts:

"I'm a joke, I can barely move any weight when I lift, I don't have the right to call myself a powerlifter"

"Did you really think that fitness was something you could ever be good at? This isn't for you"

"You'll never improve, you'll never get better, eventually you'll realise that you suck at this and you should quit"

"Look around at this yoga class, you're the worst person here"

"What's the point in going for a run, it's not like you'll ever even run 5k" (the funny thing is that I have run 5k on a treadmill and according to my ipod I've run 5k as well! But, my brain doesn't let me believe it's true, says the treadmill and ipod are lying)

Charming, right? Man, gotta love being inside my head.

Does anyone else have to combat this kind of hateful self-talk when they exercise? What do you do about it??

I found a little mental exercise that helped me a ton with my own negative thoughts (of any kind, really, not just the self-bashing variety).  First, acknowledge the thought when you first notice it.  That is, literally say to yourself (in your head is likely the more socially acceptable route here ), "I hear you,".  Don't analyze it, don't dwell on it, don't argue with it, or respond to it in any way except to just acknowledge it - recognize it and say, "I hear you.".  Second, picture a stop sign.  A big, red and white, shiny, in-your-face stop sign.  Again, do this literally (as with the "I hear you." acknowledgement).  Hold the image for 3 seconds.  Finally, consciously think of something else.  I like to have something specific in mind for this one - like what epic thing I plan on doing later that day, or what my dream house would look like, or whatever (I guess that could be called "going to your happy place" ).  Anyway, the type of thought you use isn't important, as long as it has nothing to do with re-engaging with the now-banished negativity!

 

I couple that with the fake-it-'till-you-make-it mentality (like ol' Gainsdalf), and I've never felt better about myself   Try it out - see if it works for you!  Good luck!!

[Verlayla]

I really relate to the "imposter syndrome." I feel like that in all areas of my life - running my business ("Why the hell would anyone hire me? They're going to figure out I'm just BSing"), with my friends ("Nobody actually likes me; they just pretend to and tolerate me."), with fitness ("Who am I kidding? I'm just destined to be fat.").... freaking everything. 

 

I suspect it stems from my mother - one of those classic "Nothing I do is ever good enough" scenarios. I actually look for validation of this. A few years ago, an incident happened that completely validated one of my self-defeating beliefs and it sent me down a very dark spiral. 

 

But it also meant that I had something to prove. You say I can't start my own business? Screw you! Nobody likes me? I'll find people that DO! I can't lose weight and be fit? Challenge effing accepted. I put my own stubbornness and competitiveness to work for me. 

[guest439437484421]

whenever i have negative thoughts about myself, i try to imagine another me, in my brain, going up to the part that's giving me the negative thoughts, and hulk smashing it with reasons why i'm awesome.

 

"no one loves you"

"my nieces love me unconditionally *smash*"

 

"you'll never be successful"

"i'm already more successful than half the people i graduated with *smash*"

 

"you want an oreo"

"nope *smash*"

[Guest Dirty Deads]

When my inner voice begins to doubt everything and tell me I'm no good, I sick my inner child on him.  IV: You're weak, why are you even doing this? You don't deserve to be good at anything. IC: Why? IV: You know people are laughing at you. You feeling like you're good at something? Well, you're not. IC:Why?

 

Inner Child gets annoying with the questions to the point I have to come up with an answer IV: Well, because...No, you know what inner child? Inner voice is wrong. I can still do whatever I want. I'm stronger than IV thinks I am and I'm better than I ever have been and I'll always be better than I was.

 

Sometimes you just have to work the negativity through.

[Sambalina]

It's awesome to see so many people chiming in and dealing with negative thoughts/self-talk. I'm fairly self-confident and always have been, but there are certainly times when I think the most awful things to myself, and I definitely struggle with imposter syndrome.

 

- You only got the MA because your supervisor helped you

- They only gave you the scholarship because no one else applied (WTF brain!?)

- Your students don't like you, they just want good grades

- Look at you only using the bar - you're too weak to even add weight to it

- Your disgusting for eating that (I seriously thought the word 'disgusting' about myself...)

- He only wants you for sex, you're boring and he would never care about you (despite plenty of evidence to the contrary)

 

Erg... that's just horrible.

What do I do about it? I try to imagine if my best friend had told me she felt those things about herself, and I try to give myself the same advice and compassion I'd give to her. It seems to help me view the problem from 'the outside' and realise that the only one who thinks these things, or would EVER judge me so harshly, is myself.

[Verlayla]

One of the other ones I've heard (that made me cry) was - would you ever talk to your children like that? Then why would you talk to yourself like that? 

 

Just the idea of saying such horrible things to my children brought me to tears. I'm welling up right now just thinking about it. 

 

I deserve better than that. (Shut up brain, yes I DO!)

[Saramorphosis]

This thread has been so helpful to me!  I struggle SO.MUCH. with negative self talk.  It's so common that I barely even notice it consciously but it's there subconsciously, this voice in my head constantly sniping me.  Going on Prozac actually helped me with this before, but I had some not-so-nice side effects so didn't stay on it for long, plus it's something I need to work through.  I've wondered about trying hypnosis too...has anyone else had experience with that?

 

I will be putting up some post-its tonight!

[Bronzo]

One of the other ones I've heard (that made me cry) was - would you ever talk to your children like that? Then why would you talk to yourself like that? 

 

Just the idea of saying such horrible things to my children brought me to tears. I'm welling up right now just thinking about it. 

 

I deserve better than that. (Shut up brain, yes I DO!)

 

I never thought of it that way.  It is a great way to see it.  I have always been heavier and stuff.  Do I have to stay that way?  NO.  It is very helpful reading all of the suggesions and anicdotes that let me know that I am truly not alone in this.  Getting myself started is hard.  But then again, being honest is a start right? 

[swarneke]

This is something I really need to work on.

 

Looking back to about 6 months ago, I'm beginning to suspect that I was borderline depressed. I had a lot of negative thoughts floating through my head, mostly relating to my lack of full-time work close to a year after finishing my Master's degree. Combine that with my tendency to keep my feelings to myself and not let anyone see how upset I am until some minor little thing causes me to completely break down, I was very much an unhappy camper.

 

Fast forward to now. I'm in a much better situation, but now I'm combating some loneliness due to my move to a much smaller town that where I was previously living and my fear of not doing a good enough job at work to get approval from the majority of the people I work with (which is a lot. And complicated to explain without revealing too much about myself). Anyway, my worries about that are slowly getting worse, primarily because my 6-month probation and subsequent evaluation are coming up in about a month.

 

Now, when I have bad days about being good about eating healthier or going to the gym, I berate myself almost to the point that I begin to think that this is a goal that I'll never accomplish. That I wasn't meant to be "skinny" (read: not overweight). That I'll never be able to run a mile in 10 minutes or less. That I'll never be able to fix my terrible eating habits.

 

I just switched health insurance and I'm terrified of going in for my annual physical to the point that I'm really tempted to push it off for a month or two just to see how much weight I can appropriately loose so I'm not as embarrassed by my weight. I've somehow had miraculous luck in the past and had my blood pressure and cholesterol levels be fine. My mom claims the latter is genetics because my dad used to be in a similar boat that I am. As for blood pressure, I have no idea how that's happening. Before I moved, I donated blood regularly and the red cross people always told me it was normal.

 

Geez, this turned into a rant. But it felt good getting it off my chest since I tend to feel like I have no one to talk to this about who would understand and not try to lecture me about just "doing it" or not giving in to cravings like it's a walk in the park.