Letting Go Of Negative People/Relationships

[hawgsquatch]

From a Dad's point of view.

 

I was married to a clinically depressed person for fifteen years. There is nothing you can do to help this person's illness until they decide to help themselves. You will simply pound your head against the wall, hoping you will find some magic trick that will make them all better. You cannot save him, you are not medication, therapy, or self love. You cannot love him enough to make him love himself. When my toxic relationship ended I was devastated (she left me) but as I healed and as I started to see things without the rose colored glasses, I started to feel two feet taller. Nothing is so sad as a love not returned, and nothing is so abusive as saddling an innocent person with problems they cannot solve. I also had my own issues and I never would have corrected them if the relationship had not ended. I would have half-lived forever.

 

Threatening to kill himself is abusive and immature, he is acting like a little boy .

 

Insisting on constant contact is abusive and he is acting like a little boy.

 

Accusing you of desiring to sleep around is abusive and disrespectful and plain mean, and he is acting like a little boy.

 

Supporting someone when it is convenient and then withdrawing support when they upset you is abusive ie....little boy.

 

Yelling at you is abusive. There are very few reasons for a man to EVER yell at a woman, little boys do it all the time.

 

As a father I want my daughter to be with a loving, supporting man that does not mentally slap her across the face whenever he is down, or whenever he is not getting his way.

 

I wish I had more for you, but I don't. I know that you love him, but you can love him without being with him and being subject to abuse. I don't want to over blow this or make you afraid, but I work with domestic violence offenders daily and I think if he was near to you you might be in danger of physical abuse. It is a very small step from blatant disrespect to putting hands on someone and he seems to not mind whether he hurts your heart..................

 

As a Dad, my heart goes out to you. You deserve to live free from guilt over things you can't help. I will think about this more and you will be in my prayers.

[SimplyTsundere]

Thank you everyone.

 

He and I had a very, very, very long talk on Saturday where a lot of topics were covered. Quite a few. We both agreed to get therapy respectively and as a couple. I told him flat out that if this behavior continues and I get the slightest inkling of it then we will be over. No ifs, ands, or buts. I told him I just can't continue to deal with it because it hurts me. And it hurt to say that.

 

It was a long weekend.

[GingaNinja]

Well done for making such a brave decision to tell him how you are feeling.

 

I've been there as well, I dated a guy who leaned towards suicide, backing away was one of the hardest things I've ever done because I was so used to running to his aid and still had a lot of love and care for him. I commend you for trying to fix things between you, just remember to keep your promise to yourself to leave if these problems come up again as you deserve better and he has proven you aren't worth his time.

 

I spent months with this guy even after we broke up our relationship. He would beg me to be with him up until the point there was a glimmer of interest from someone else then he'd drop me whenever it pleased him, I would still hang around. He'd send me abusive messages online and by text, he'd guilt trip me and always make me feel like I was in the wrong. I could go on for pages about him.

[Kung Fu Girl]

You need to walk away...now.  Just stop texting, chatting, emailing, phoning.  It won't be easy, but it is the right thing to do for all involved.  Don't get dragged back into it, either.  He'll try everything to keep contact with you.  Ignore it all and move on.  

 

You know how drowning people will drown a rescuer out of panic?  Don't be the rescuer that gets drowned.  You cannot save this man.  Only he can save himself.  It's like an addiction for him.  He has to decide he wants to change before he will change.  Nothing you do will make that decision for him.  Save yourself and get away (and stay away) from this guy.

[Bekah]

He sounds manipulative and Codependent at best, but regardless, you aren't responsible for his happiness, he is! I totally get how hard this is, I was married to someone like him for almost 9 years, and I saw the signs muuuuuch earlier, my 2 cents: get out now and tell him to get help with a therapist and read a book or three on Codependent relationships and boundaries (for both of you) so he can get better and you can avoid men like him in the future. Hugs <3

[SimplyTsundere]

So this may seem silly to share but it was actually...pretty damn significant to me and...yeah. I like sharing.

 

Boyfriend recently got out of the hospital a few days ago (thank God since he was in there about a month this time and it was not a pleasant visit in the least bit) and while he was in there, he lost a necessary paper he needed to give to his school for FinAid stuff. Rather, his parents lost it since he hadn't been home. I asked him what he was going to do since it would take about a month to get a replacement of the paper and the deadline to have it to the school was less than a month away. I was bracing myself for his usual humdrum, woe is me, nothing in the world matters response since that's what he normally gives. Very casually and relaxed he just says he's gonna get his parents to find it since they lost it. 15 minutes later, it's found. BOOM! I told him I was very proud of him for not going down the rabbit hole of doom and gloom like normal!

 

He said this attests to an older lady he spoke to while in the hospital that somehow got in his head that life is never as bad as it could be. Or that someone else always has it worse than you. I've been trying to tell him that for years and even though I'm a bit peeved it took a stranger to tell him that and for him to get it, I did tell him I'm glad he got his head out of his ass and is starting to get on a more positive, happier path. Sometimes it just takes to listen to another person's story to know that you should always be thankful and you are blessed no matter the circumstance.

 

Oh, and he's coming to visit me for our birthdays!

[Guest]

Awesome, hopefully the momentum continues

[SimplyTsundere]

I figured I updated in my other thread so I figure I will here as well...

 

There's been no therapy. His last visit, though well enough, something just seemed off. We've been talking less and less over the past few weeks and even though he said he's going to move (because his father who is CONSTANTLY crippling him not only as a grown ass man but as a human being in general), he said he would move to either a friend's house there or with me in a "staycation". I told him a staycation was unacceptable at this point. 3+ years in a long distance relationship and I STILL haven't gotten any kind of commitment, time, date, or anything saying when he will move. I can't (read: won't) move because I have my career here and a house I purchased here. If he moves here, not only will he have WAY more opportunities available to him, but he can like...breathe. He's said that, "Oh well I'll have to find a doctor there and all the doctors there are shit." Well, you have a doctor in Michigan that you could've been working with for THREE YEARS to find a good one here. But I feel like he's going to push that task onto me and I'm not here for it and that's not my job to do, sorry. Then he'll mention he wants to finish school but that'll take at least another two years because he gets sick a lot but won't talk to his teachers to set up a plan to counter when he misses classes. He doesn't work and refuses to take a job that will pay him less than his social security which means...he's 25 and has never held a job a day in his life because why...the crippling father. His mother steals from him...yeah. I'm totally venting. I'm sorry...

 

I swear he has no drive, no motivation, and gets the comfort of a relationship (the emotional things, physical things when we're around each other, and I do help financially take care of him) without having to do a lot of work. Or deal with having to physically be around me which means he can go and spend all night with his friends without me nagging him about not being home.

 

I'm scared of hurting him. I'm scared to feel the pain of leaving him because I do love him dearly and at one point, I saw us spending our lives together but until he can, and it sounds terrible, but actually grow up and be a man and accept responsibility for the shit and negativity in his life, I don't know if that'll be a dream come true for me.

[Tomu-san]

Tsundere, it sounds like you've already made up your mind about him, but you're holding back so as not to hurt him.

 

Don't. 

 

It sounds like he is already so broken that anything you do would be like tossing a match on a bonfire.

 

And besides, saving him is NOT. YOUR. JOB. You don't owe him any more than the 3 years you've already spent, and less even than that.

 

I can understand you're afraid of the pain you'll feel. But you're already in pain over him. You've been pulling the bandaid off slowly. Rip that sucker off! Yes, it will hurt like hell for a short while. But that short while is nothing compared to the rest of your life.

 

I apologize if this is coming off a bit harsh, and I know I don't know anything about your situation more than you've written in this thread. But it doesn't matter if he's a cross between the Kwisatz Haderach and the Dali Lama - if he's making you feel this bad, it's time to move on.

[TimG]

well, as Alan Watts maybe would say, there is no yin without the yang. 

 

But in this tread I only see yang really in a way ;-)

no real relationship, no interplay between two people that really love each other.

 

I could be mistaken of course but ooh well ...just my two cents.

[Guest]

You gave him the chance, he didn't hold up his end. Family issues or not (everyone has them), he was given the opportunity and fell through on it.

I know you love him, and you have a lot vested in this relationship (especially with the amount of effort you've put into it, long distance is not for the feint of heart), but you have to determine if you're still in this relationship because its a habit or not.

I am sorry to hear that there are still pronlems, and I sincerely wish you all the support in the world.

[GingaNinja]

I agree, you have to keep the promise to yourself to take care of what is best for you.

[MariahSnow]

This thread breaks my heart. I've been there with an emotionally abusive guy who threatened suicide and generally crippled my psychological development (I was late teens-early 20s). The end of the relationship was not some clean break either. We'd break up, get back together, break up, get back together. We were both an addiction, a crutch, for each other and that was really destructive. To be 100% honest, there are still days when I wonder, "where is that person?" because he was such a pivotal person in my life. And that's straight up crazy because I've been with a fantastic guy for 5 years. That's why, to me, it was literally like an addiction that I'll always be susceptible to.

 

It sounds like y'all are circling the drain and over the next fews months, you'll break up and get back together multiple times. I'm sure of this because you sound very attached to him (and you should be, you spent 3 years with him!). He will make promises and you will make promises but they'll never hold up under the stress of every day life. This is a good time to force yourself to go out with friends, try new things, etc. It will get your mind off it and it will expose you to other people, other relationships, etc. I had no idea how to be in a relationship because my parents were horrific role models and my first relationship was abusive. It wasn't until I hung out with my brother and his wife that I saw how a relationship worked, how fights worked, how two people treated each other with respect and love. Once you see that, you will literally think, "was I crazy for being with him?!"

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It literally breaks my heart because I felt so worthless when I was going through it. Honestly, when I look back at my life then, I felt like a zombie. It was awful. I'm with traipsing, I want to give you a giant hug that's endless. This is incredibly hard and just know, we've got your back. If you need anything, feel free to ask for help!

[SimplyTsundere]

And, to add an update.

 

Did we break up? Yes. It was painful.

 

What's happening now? It actually (finally) prompted him to start getting therapy and today makes his second session. He has also moved away from his very crappy household where the majority of his poison started. I am supporting him throughout that process because...well...I just am. Is it likely we'll get back together? Oh, yes. After the break up (so much for timing ) I laid it ALL out on the line and he listened and we spoke about what we both need to do separately before we can join together as one again.

 

Am I looking forward to whatever happens? Very much so. Sucks a break up had to prompt it but things are getting better, just in our friendship.

 

Am I stupid for knowing I'll take him back? I personally don't think so. We'll just have to see how our relationship plays out.

[TyTy76]

Good luck.

[MariahSnow]

And, to add an update.

 

Did we break up? Yes. It was painful.

 

What's happening now? It actually (finally) prompted him to start getting therapy and today makes his second session. He has also moved away from his very crappy household where the majority of his poison started. I am supporting him throughout that process because...well...I just am. Is it likely we'll get back together? Oh, yes. After the break up (so much for timing ) I laid it ALL out on the line and he listened and we spoke about what we both need to do separately before we can join together as one again.

 

Am I looking forward to whatever happens? Very much so. Sucks a break up had to prompt it but things are getting better, just in our friendship.

 

Am I stupid for knowing I'll take him back? I personally don't think so. We'll just have to see how our relationship plays out.

 

I think if you both make changes and strive to move to better places separately, and then come together again, that is actually pretty outstanding and romantic.

 

If however, you hold up your end of the bargain and he kind of does some things (like if he stops going to therapy but he did go to 2 sessions), and you take him back, then I might be skeptical.

[SimplyTsundere]

Oh don't worry. We are not getting back together until he completes his therapy. I give him credit because for years I begged him to get therapy and check on a few other things and he would neeeeeeeeeever do it. Day after break up, he signs up for 10 sessions and checks on the health thing I asked. Every day since he's been sure to ask how I'm doing/how I'm feeling. I've pointed him to articles that explains some of my behaviors and what I need from him based off those articles. He's vowed to me more than once that he's going to be a better person for me and for the both. He's very confident in the sessions which is so unheard of cause he's usually not confident about squat.

 

I'm planning for a "sweet, we're back together so let's kick this whole thing off right" vacation for us and just pray it all goes how I want. And if not, meh.