Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Artinum]

these are the two questions that will make me literally freeze. how am I? well.. I really don't know. I'm not bad. I'm not particularly good. I'm just kinda.. here.. so ok I think? I can't really ever figure out how I feel about something, but I can totally empathize with someone else instantly.

 

When people ask "how are you?" they don't actually want to know. It's bonkers, but there you go. Took me a while to figure out that "how are you" merely means "I would like to initiate a non-critical conversational exchange with you."

[Bekah]

When people ask "how are you?" they don't actually want to know. It's bonkers, but there you go. Took me a while to figure out that "how are you" merely means "I would like to initiate a non-critical conversational exchange with you."

LOL! its the deeper communication with NTs that gets me, I am good at this part They really dont mean the same thing, even if they use the same words...its maddening! 

[LadyGrey]

It's always the worst for me when I hear "Good Morning, how are you." I cringe. I have a tendency to say how I really feel instead of "good." It's almost impossible for me to say what I am not feeling. I really just prefer to go about my business in peace. Some people think I am rude but those who know me ...they know better lol. 

[VailedPhoenix]

When people ask "how are you?" they don't actually want to know. It's bonkers, but there you go. Took me a while to figure out that "how are you" merely means "I would like to initiate a non-critical conversational exchange with you."

 

no I mean, I understand they're just wanting to be polite and start some kind of conversation. and generally I do just reply "I'm good, you?", but then there are several people in my life now that are basically my support network (I've had a really shit past few years), so when they ask, they honestly want to know. that's when I start sounding something like a robot.. "I am functioning.. so I am.. good?"

 

also, I'm one of those people that if I happen to ask, I am honestly curious about how you are doing. if you're dog just got ran over right in front of you, and you left the pizza in the oven too long because you were crying over said dog and your house burnt down, freaking tell me so I can give you a hug and let you cry it out some more.

 

I guess my problem is just chit chat in general. I don't really like wasting my words, I think. so if I say something, I want people to take it seriously. if someone says something to me, I'll treat it as they honestly want to know and aren't going through the motions (except for in very public, stranger-to-stranger circumstances). the politics of conversation and just being people is all confusing and stuff.

[joedog]

I struggle with chit chat also. I can do it for very short periods but I can't stay focused on it. 

 

My prescription coverage changed this year so I had to switch to a new pharmacy. My doctor also closed up shop. Like, not just one doctor left the clinic but the whole clinic closed. I was freaking out about running out of my meds before I could get into a new doc. So I called the insurance company yesterday (+1 asking for help before having a meltdown). The lady asked how I was doing. I've been playing this human game long enough to know the correct answer is "Great, how are you today?" But what I really felt like saying was "Well, I suffer from pretty bad anxiety, I'm about to run out of my meds, my doctor left town and my pharmacy insurance changed. How do you think I'm doing?" 

 

There is a happy ending to this story. They transferred all our prescriptions from the old mail order company to the new one so all I had to do was order my meds and pay for it. 

[LadyGrey]

I struggle with chit chat also. I can do it for very short periods but I can't stay focused on it. 

 

My prescription coverage changed this year so I had to switch to a new pharmacy. My doctor also closed up shop. Like, not just one doctor left the clinic but the whole clinic closed. I was freaking out about running out of my meds before I could get into a new doc. So I called the insurance company yesterday (+1 asking for help before having a meltdown). The lady asked how I was doing. I've been playing this human game long enough to know the correct answer is "Great, how are you today?" But what I really felt like saying was "Well, I suffer from pretty bad anxiety, I'm about to run out of my meds, my doctor left town and my pharmacy insurance changed. How do you think I'm doing?" 

 

There is a happy ending to this story. They transferred all our prescriptions from the old mail order company to the new one so all I had to do was order my meds and pay for it. 

I had to call my insurance company about my meds yesterday, too, lol. My coverage also changed this year and they make getting my precrips all kinds of difficult. So I finally called after putting it off for as long as i could and of course it was all awkward. Then it gets worse when they ask you to "bear with them for just a moment" as they bring up your information.....then the "How are you doing today?" chimes in. So I totally understand how you feel because I wanted to say, "oh ya know, could be better if I didn't have to call you guys to release my prescrip so I can just go pick it up because I am about to have a freak out moment here and I really wish I wasn't discussing it with you but I tend to vomit words out of my mouth because I am nervous about this conversation."    ...ugh.

[kaelvan]

You know what sucks trying to talk to other introverts. You know why because most of the ones I do try to talk to look at you like you have three heads. Which to mind, do I give other people, who try to talk to me, that "look"?

[Silo]

You know what sucks trying to talk to other introverts. You know why because most of the ones I do try to talk to look at you like you have three heads. Which to mind, do I give other people, who try to talk to me, that "look"?

 

 

This made me laugh. A week or so ago my husband and I (both introverts) were discussing how we were glad that we were both glad to have never had to go through the dating scene (we met very young and have been together since 8th grade) in the normal sense. He said something about a couple of girls giving him their phone numbers when he was at work in college. I said that I had never had anybody approach me or ask for my number and his reply was "I can see that. You have a certain, um, look or air about you, that discourages that." When I'm with people I know, I am completely at ease and friendly but I admit that I probably seem really cold to strangers. And the "stranger" phase for me lasts a really long time (much longer in real life compared to online.) Over the summer we were at a work even for my husband, who has worked at the same place for 12+ years. I talked to somebody for about 10 minutes and afterwards remarked to my husband that it was the longest I'd ever talked to one of his coworkers. You could have probably added up all of the minutes I'd talked to them at various events over the years and it wouldn't have added up to 10. 

[alienjenn]

"I would like to initiate a non-critical conversational exchange with you."

Sometimes when I'm at work if I'm feeling like I don't really want to engage people at the moment I'll say "standard greeting and questions of your well being"

[Bekah]

Sometimes when I'm at work if I'm feeling like I don't really want to engage people at the moment I'll say "standard greeting and questions of your well being"

Oh this is AWESOME

[alienjenn]

It's enough that it satisfies people's want for interaction without necessitating a reply. ... luckily I work in intensive care and we often don't have time for small talk. ... or we have hours (those are the hard nights)

[Artinum]

Sometimes when I'm at work if I'm feeling like I don't really want to engage people at the moment I'll say "standard greeting and questions of your well being"

 

Noted for future reference.

[Nubbins McGee]

For the record, I'm a full-blown INTJ, so I'm not some wacky social gad fly that thinks everyone should be bubbly and full of small talk at all times.

 

Here's how you handle small talk:

Them "Hey, how are you doing?" or "What's up?" or "What's the good word my man?" or ANY OTHER BANAL SOCIAL INTERROGATIVE

You "Fine thank you, how about you?"

 

Easy peasy.  That's honestly all you have to do.  It doesn't matter if your house just burned down, the neighbor kicked your dog, and your toddler pooped in your coffee cup (this actually happened to me).   "Fine thank you, how about you?" or even just "Fine, thanks" is all you have to say.  You can get wacky and create your own derivative responses to keep things fresh if you like.  Nobody except maybe your spouse, significant other, parent, sibling, or best friend expects anything more than that, ever.  Half the time, even they aren't really looking for more than that either.  

 

Don't go down the path of "Well, I stubbed my toe this morning, while cleaning up after my diabetic cat who coughed up  a hair ball..."    

 

Nobody wants to hear that.  If someone is instigating something more than small talk, the question won't be "Hey, how are you?"  It will be more along the lines of "You look like you're having a bad day, is everything alright?"  or, the flip side of that coin, "You look happy, what's going on?"

 

For slightly more complicated questions like "What did you think about the game last night?" which completely blow when you know you're not a sports fan a response like

"Oh, I missed it.  Was it good?" will usually suffice.  

 

If the boor wants to start talking about how Johnny Bagofdonuts threw three interceptions or something like that, you respond with "You know, I really don't follow [sport name] I'm really into [obscure pass time that they will know nothing about].  

 

For me, that pass time is boxing. It's the only sport I pay any attention to. The vast majority of my other interests have absolutely nothing to do with sports.  "I don't watch football, I'm a boxing fan" has come out of my mouth more than once.  On the off chance someone actually follows boxing, I get to talk about something I like.  Most of the time, it just gets people to shut up and move on.  "I missed it because I was knitting a sweater for my great-grandmother" is a perfectly valid response if that's what you were doing.  No reason to stand there and look awkwardly at your feet.  Just tell them you didn't watch it and keep going.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whew... I just cut about 15 paragraphs out of this because I realized I was writing a novel and had digressed considerably from my original point.  Carry on.

[Silo]

 

 

For slightly more complicated questions like "What did you think about the game last night?" which completely blow when you know you're not a sports fan a response like

"Oh, I missed it.  Was it good?" will usually suffice.  

 

My answer is usually "Uh, what sport are we talking about?"

 

My last job was...not a good fit. But one of the good things I can say about it is that there was never sports chitchat before meetings.

[TMedina]

 

If the boor wants to start talking about how Johnny Bagofdonuts threw three interceptions or something like that, you respond with "You know, I really don't follow [sport name] I'm really into [obscure pass time that they will know nothing about].  

 

For me, that pass time is boxing. It's the only sport I pay any attention to. The vast majority of my other interests have absolutely nothing to do with sports.  "I don't watch football, I'm a boxing fan" has come out of my mouth more than once.  On the off chance someone actually follows boxing, I get to talk about something I like.  Most of the time, it just gets people to shut up and move on.  "I missed it because I was knitting a sweater for my great-grandmother" is a perfectly valid response if that's what you were doing.  No reason to stand there and look awkwardly at your feet.  Just tell them you didn't watch it and keep going.

 

 

[Bekah]

Wait, so saying "You mean people actually WANT to watch a game that encourages conformity and has homoerotic displays couched in being a "manly man's" sport where the players make more money per game than many families make in a year? that game? Nope I didn't see it" isn't a valid response???? No wonder no one likes me (lolololol I'm totally joking!)

thanks Nubs, I love how you explained that, feel free to write a novel about romantic relationships and communication, bc you make sense to me

[hblyne]

I have a bit of an issue ATM. The couple next door sometimes babysit their grandchild, at least I assume that's the situation! On Mondays, and for some reason today as well this week, they have a baby in the house. The poor lamb screams and screams for such long stretches. This has been going on for months now. I have no contact with them, we don't even nod and say hello. I have no idea if they are trying to comfort the child, or just leaving it alone to scream. As a gentle/attachment type parent myself, this is a massive no no for me, and I do judge people who do it (just being honest). I have no idea if the parents know this is going on, or what they would think if they did.

 

Most of my friends think I should pop round some time to ask if everything is okay, and see if I can help, offer teething powders or something. But the idea of knocking on their door and intruding is horrifying for me. I don't want to automatically call social services and potentially put a caring family through hell for no reason. I know some babies do cry, I've had two myself! And I know how I would feel if someone called the authorities about me or my kids, so it's not something I want to do. But what if the baby is being neglected or abused? What if I do nothing and then read about something terrible happening in my street in the news? Today the wee thing only screamed for 20 minutes, but one Monday it was 3 solid hours of screaming, most Mondays its a good hour or more. Sometimes it really, really sucks being an introvert. If I was a confident extrovert who was totally confident in popping over to the neighbour's house this wouldn't be an issue :/

[LadyGrey]

I have a bit of an issue ATM. The couple next door sometimes babysit their grandchild, at least I assume that's the situation! On Mondays, and for some reason today as well this week, they have a baby in the house. The poor lamb screams and screams for such long stretches. This has been going on for months now. I have no contact with them, we don't even nod and say hello. I have no idea if they are trying to comfort the child, or just leaving it alone to scream. As a gentle/attachment type parent myself, this is a massive no no for me, and I do judge people who do it (just being honest). I have no idea if the parents know this is going on, or what they would think if they did.

 

Most of my friends think I should pop round some time to ask if everything is okay, and see if I can help, offer teething powders or something. But the idea of knocking on their door and intruding is horrifying for me. I don't want to automatically call social services and potentially put a caring family through hell for no reason. I know some babies do cry, I've had two myself! And I know how I would feel if someone called the authorities about me or my kids, so it's not something I want to do. But what if the baby is being neglected or abused? What if I do nothing and then read about something terrible happening in my street in the news? Today the wee thing only screamed for 20 minutes, but one Monday it was 3 solid hours of screaming, most Mondays its a good hour or more. Sometimes it really, really sucks being an introvert. If I was a confident extrovert who was totally confident in popping over to the neighbour's house this wouldn't be an issue :/

Maybe the baby has some health issues or has Colic?  I am like you, the idea of knocking on a neighbors door out of the blue is horrifying. I wouldn't call social services, not unless you have proof. I am a mother myself and that would be equally horrifying if someone did that to me.  My Mom and grandmother both run daycares. They have had several babies in their care with multiple ailments and issues, and some just can't be consoled for numerous reasons. 

[Nubbins McGee]

Well, I say you either muster up the courage to go knock on the door or you get used to the baby crying.  Calling social services without proof of abuse/neglect would be a WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY horrible thing to do.

 

Let me give you a real scenario:  My son was born with his Eustachian tubes going the wrong direction.  You know, the little tubes in your ears behind your ear drums?  They are supposed to point down to allow for drainage.  His tipped up which meant that fluid built up behind his ear drums giving him essentially a chronic ear infection.   Until he was 14 months old--old enough to have surgery-- he cried all the time.  No amount of doctor visits or medication helped.  We took him to a special children's hospital where they sedated him and gave him a brain scan at one point.  We were not neglectful, he was not abused, but he probably screamed as much as 12-14 hours a day, every day, for over a year.  

 

It was awful.  We were emotional wrecks.  ...And if social services had shown up in the midst of all that because my neighbor didn't have the courage to come over and say something along the lines of "I hear your baby crying all the time, is everything all right?" The confrontation that would have occurred between myself and the neighbor, probably would have made the evening news.  Know what I mean?

 

Unless you have proof, I vote you stay out of it, or put yourself in it.  

[kaelvan]

Wait, so saying "You mean people actually WANT to watch a game that encourages conformity and has homoerotic displays couched in being a "manly man's" sport where the players make more money per game than many families make in a year? that game? Nope I didn't see it" isn't a valid response???? No wonder no one likes me (lolololol I'm totally joking!)

thanks Nubs, I love how you explained that, feel free to write a novel about romantic relationships and communication, bc you make sense to me

Omg that reminds me of Ultimate Fighter for reasons. Nothing beats watching guys beat each other up in suggestive poses.

 

[Bekah]

Maybe the baby has some health issues or has Colic?  I am like you, the idea of knocking on a neighbors door out of the blue is horrifying. I wouldn't call social services, not unless you have proof. I am a mother myself and that would be equally horrifying if someone did that to me.  My Mom and grandmother both run daycares. They have had several babies in their care with multiple ailments and issues, and some just can't be consoled for numerous reasons. 

Agreed. I mean if you hear the baby screaming then a loud thump then all of a sudden the baby is quiet, or something suspicious, then yeah...but my niece cried nonstop for hours when she was a baby and it was just colic. 

 

[Artinum]

Crying babies are the absolute worst. And they go on for ages. Even as I'm cooking them.

[kaelvan]

Crying babies are the absolute worst. And they go on for ages. Even as I'm cooking them.

They do quiet down when you use them to paint the wall though.

[hblyne]

Well the baby is too old for colic now, s/he is beginning to be verbal, yesterday I heard "daddy" mixed in with the crying. But yeah, there may be a medical condition involved. As a mum myself, I'm quite sensitive to babies crying and am usually to be found hiding at the far end of my house crying while this baby screams. My 3 year old asked me yesterday why the baby's mummy didn't just give it milk :/ I'm going to keep an eye out for the parents dropping baby off and try and catch them outside to talk to them. They may have no idea how distressed their baby gets without them. Just got to work up the courage to do it.

[LadyGrey]

Well the baby is too old for colic now, s/he is beginning to be verbal, yesterday I heard "daddy" mixed in with the crying. But yeah, there may be a medical condition involved. As a mum myself, I'm quite sensitive to babies crying and am usually to be found hiding at the far end of my house crying while this baby screams. My 3 year old asked me yesterday why the baby's mummy didn't just give it milk :/ I'm going to keep an eye out for the parents dropping baby off and try and catch them outside to talk to them. They may have no idea how distressed their baby gets without them. Just got to work up the courage to do it.

Good luck and be strong