Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Silo]

My husband saw one of his coworkers when we were out to dinner tonight. My daughter has been asking to have coworker's daughter over so my husband suggested we go over so I could meet the mom. I had a moment of panic about having to make conversation and said no, you go talk to them and I'll pay the bill. Ugh. Two steps forward, one step back.

[Bekah]

I need to call and ask about carpooling for this Sunday beach yoga session, and I REALLY don't want to....like would rather not go than do it. I am thinking maybe I will go to one of the Saturday ones, that I DONT need a ride for, and then ask about carpooling after that class? Good idea? 

[alienjenn]

If it's more comfortable to talk to the teacher in person that's cool. ... just do it [emoji14]

[TMedina]

My husband saw one of his coworkers when we were out to dinner tonight. My daughter has been asking to have coworker's daughter over so my husband suggested we go over so I could meet the mom. I had a moment of panic about having to make conversation and said no, you go talk to them and I'll pay the bill. Ugh. Two steps forward, one step back.

 

That still leaves you with a net positive of one step forward.

 

Every victory counts, especially the small ones.

[Rurik Harrgath]

My people!  I'm loving the forum here because most people here are friendly and like-minded.

 

I had an introvert panic moment earlier today when my scuzzy neighbor invited himself over for wine, which isn't something we do, nor do I wish to.  Thankfully I was heading out the door to the gym and he eventually took the hint.  Unfortunately I still had to endure his caterwauling some Top 40 hit as I walked to my truck.  It was 4:40 pm.  It blows my mind that there really are people like this.  I weep for the species!

[LadyGrey]

Well the baby is too old for colic now, s/he is beginning to be verbal, yesterday I heard "daddy" mixed in with the crying. But yeah, there may be a medical condition involved. As a mum myself, I'm quite sensitive to babies crying and am usually to be found hiding at the far end of my house crying while this baby screams. My 3 year old asked me yesterday why the baby's mummy didn't just give it milk :/ I'm going to keep an eye out for the parents dropping baby off and try and catch them outside to talk to them. They may have no idea how distressed their baby gets without them. Just got to work up the courage to do it.

Maybe the child has severe separation anxiety from the parents? The "daddy" part kind of made think about my friend who's son had a very difficult time being away from his mom when he started kindergarten. Could be that maybe?

[Artinum]

At this rate, I may need to hand in my introvert card...

On Sunday I had a Skype session with an American lady about self publishing for my novel. I took a ton of notes and I'm very excited at the possibilities on offer. I've been avoiding arranging this for a week or two as I hate talking to people. Email is much cosier! But I did it...

Even bigger, I am currently in London. On my own. I'm attending a three day training course, tucked away in a hotel room and finding my own way regarding transport, food and so on. This would have been literally impossible for me at fifteen. It would have been hugely stressful in my twenties. But when this opportunity came up at work, I said yes.

Of course, I am spending my evening in my hotel room and doing bugger all. No going out, no fun times. That's a step too far!

[Silo]

Artinum, I have found that I love traveling to conferences alone. I think it is because I get a ton of alone time getting there and in my hotel room and dining in the evenings. It seems to balance out with the group time during the day. 

 

Enjoy yourself!

[Nubbins McGee]

When did introvert become synonymous with socially awkward and/or anxious?

 

I think a lot of the things I've read in  this thread have less to do with being an introvert and much more to do with having some sort of social or generalized anxieties.  That's not exactly the same thing.  

[TMedina]

Not exactly the same thing, no - but there is probably enough overlap and indirect relationship as to make it viable.

 

And the "introvert" label has a lot less stigma attached to it than "anxiety issues".

[hblyne]

Maybe the child has severe separation anxiety from the parents? The "daddy" part kind of made think about my friend who's son had a very difficult time being away from his mom when he started kindergarten. Could be that maybe?

Absolutely, that's one of the strongest possibilities. I just hope the grandparents are holding the poor wee lamb throughout it, not leaving her/him alone. Yesterday the crying wasn't as bad. Maybe baby is finally getting used to being with the grandparents.

[VailedPhoenix]

http://hundredsofcharacters.tumblr.com/post/69786012835/dr-carmellas-guide-to-understanding-the

[Jammer]

Introvert := person who prefers solitude and does not require the company of others for happiness

Shy := uncomfortable with strangers

socially awkward := lacking the skill of social interaction

All different with some overlap. Some might say that I am an introvert. Few would say that I am shy or socially awkward. Anyone can learn social skills.

Most people are interesting. I follow a fairly regular progression of questions that I adjust for situation and background when I encounter someone new and want more meaningful "smalltalk" than weather and football. Name, school, hometown, job, family, house, food, travel, sports, other hobbies, plans, dreams, ideas, goals. At some point I can usually find common ground and go off on a tangent for a while, if that fizzles I keep working my way down the list. People like to talk about themselves, and most have the grace to stop after a couple of minutes and return the questions.

[Rurik Harrgath]

By Jammer's definitions I'm certainly an Introvert.  I'm not socially anxious or awkward, I just vastly prefer my own time and often have difficulty escaping social situations or events.

 

But I get by.

[Bekah]

I would say I am all of the above. 

[Silo]

I'm an introvert. I've been working a lot over the past year to be friendlier (for lack of a better word) with strangers (in real life--I am more talkative with strangers online) and I think it's just exhausting me and making me more self-conscious to the point of becoming shy. I am very outgoing/animated when among my close family and friends though.

[Rurik Harrgath]

If you find it exhausting to make an effort to be friendlier with strangers, maybe you're 'faking' too much enthusiasm toward them.  I've found that 9 out of 10 times you can get away with the standard, "Hey, how's it going," "Good, you?" "Good, thanks," and very few people will expect more than that.  If they're a stranger after all, you aren't under any social obligation to give your or listen to their life story, so there's simply no need to go further than that.  I'll try to suffice with a nod rather that speak with a stranger if I can get away with it.

 

I say embrace who you are and break out of your comfort zone as little as possible, at least so much that in doing so you aren't coming off as rude.  Although there's an upside to that too, sometimes.

[alienjenn]

one of our respiratory therapy supervisors is a suspected aspie (he's old and doesn't have a diagnosis... but EVERYONE (but him) thinks he's an aspie) 

 

 

anyway... Ed is walking by my desk and had his head down and I didn't know he wasn't looking at me... I said "Ed" and raised my cup at him... he got halfway out the door and turned around and was like WHAT

 

I said "just acknowledging your presence and giving you a generalized greeting"

 

he says "oh yes hello ummmm well you too"

 

and walks away... 

 

I am like the only person on the floor who actually likes him... and I think it's just because I GET him... I understand his quirks and I get it.... everyone else just gets cranky and frustrated with him

[Machete]

The thread title does include Social Misfits and people who are terrified of talking to others, besides strict Introverts. So even extroverted weirdos are very welcome; this thread does not discriminate.

 

Anyway, I have a rehearsed response that makes me sound either enthusiastic, or just a dumb-ass (that I can blame on being partially deaf). Every time someone greets me I respond with "Excellent... excellent." It's usually a great response for "How's it going?", not so much for "What's up?" I will need to add on a reciprocal greeting sometime soon.

[Silo]

The thread title does include Social Misfits and people who are terrified of talking to others, besides strict Introverts. So even extroverted weirdos are very welcome; this thread does not discriminate.

 

Anyway, I have a rehearsed response that makes me sound either enthusiastic, or just a dumb-ass (that I can blame on being partially deaf). Every time someone greets me I respond with "Excellent... excellent." It's usually a great response for "How's it going?", not so much for "What's up?" I will need to add on a reciprocal greeting sometime soon.

 

"Excellent...excellent. You?"

 

 

If you find it exhausting to make an effort to be friendlier with strangers, maybe you're 'faking' too much enthusiasm toward them.  I've found that 9 out of 10 times you can get away with the standard, "Hey, how's it going," "Good, you?" "Good, thanks," and very few people will expect more than that.  If they're a stranger after all, you aren't under any social obligation to give your or listen to their life story, so there's simply no need to go further than that.  I'll try to suffice with a nod rather that speak with a stranger if I can get away with it.

 

I say embrace who you are and break out of your comfort zone as little as possible, at least so much that in doing so you aren't coming off as rude.  Although there's an upside to that too, sometimes.

 

I'm feeling like I need to work harder to make some friends or at least broaden my social circle. It's partially just to have a friend to do something with once in a while but also because I don't want my own tendency to prefer hanging out at home to adversely affect my daughter, who is more extroverted. Being at least somewhat sociable with the parents of her friends makes sense because nobody wants to send their kids over to the house with the "weird" parents. And the parents in question, specifically the moms, seem to be pretty nice so if I want to make a friend or two it makes sense to start there. It just feels really awkward at times because of not being good at small talk.

[Bekah]

 

I am like the only person on the floor who actually likes him... and I think it's just because I GET him... I understand his quirks and I get it.... everyone else just gets cranky and frustrated with him

ah....story of my home life. I think its the same, I GET JJ definitely, and Abby kinda, although the older she gets the less that's true. Me and JJ get along relatively well, and Abby isn't too bad but J is the cranky frustrated one. I have to constantly be the "no JJ probably meant______" but then J thinks I'm making excuses and JJ refuses to accept his Aspieness, and that just complicates the hell out of everything. FML with an NT husband...there IS a reason AS/NT marriages have an 86% divorce rate.

[Bekah]

"Excellent...excellent. You?"

 

 

 

I'm feeling like I need to work harder to make some friends or at least broaden my social circle. It's partially just to have a friend to do something with once in a while but also because I don't want my own tendency to prefer hanging out at home to adversely affect my daughter, who is more extroverted. Being at least somewhat sociable with the parents of her friends makes sense because nobody wants to send their kids over to the house with the "weird" parents. And the parents in question, specifically the moms, seem to be pretty nice so if I want to make a friend or two it makes sense to start there. It just feels really awkward at times because of not being good at small talk.

never worked for me, no matter how hard I tried, and it did affect the kids, they refuse to bring friends home bc I will most likely embarrass them somehow...but I tried and thats just how it ended up. Hopefully you have better luck.

[Bekah]

not so much for "What's up?" I will need to add on a reciprocal greeting sometime soon.

"Not much, you?" unless you are doing something you know the person enjoys and will be interested in, like if they love football and you were going to a game, you could say "not much, on the way to a football game, you?"

[Artinum]

I am like the only person on the floor who actually likes him... and I think it's just because I GET him... I understand his quirks and I get it.... everyone else just gets cranky and frustrated with him

 

I worked with a colleague (now in a different department, though I occasionally still bump into him) who's a diagnosed and very open aspie. He's previously been the victim of bullying and can generally wind people up - but the two of us found something of a kinship, with our shared love of terrible puns and science fiction, and my ability to let him talk and tune him out (I never realised before this that this could actually be a useful talent). I long ago turned my literal frame of mind into a form of humour, and I sometimes respond extremely literally to his statements as a form of gentle teasing (yes, he knows I'm teasing him - my satire is usually very obvious).

 

He has never twigged that I'm also on the spectrum. Meanwhile, he's about five to ten years younger than me and I keep seeing myself at that age. He can be hard work but he's a good guy and I like him. One day I might even tell him about my own experiences!

[Silo]

never worked for me, no matter how hard I tried, and it did affect the kids, they refuse to bring friends home bc I will most likely embarrass them somehow...but I tried and thats just how it ended up. Hopefully you have better luck.

 

For us, it has turned out that kids come over quite a bit but then there are few reciprocal invitations. My sister has speculated that it is because all of my daughter's friends have siblings so their families are too busy to have extra kids over and/or the siblings are built in playmates so the parents rarely think to ask more kids over. Interestingly, I have discovered that kids are kind of like cats in that they recognize the person in the room who most wants to be left alone (i.e., me) and then hang all over them. Obviously her friends aren't literally hanging on me but I do have to politely chase them off to play elsewhere in the house instead of hanging out with me in the kitchen or living room, all "whatcha doin'" -like.