Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Lara]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Because it feels true. Pretty much all I've done for two months since finals is dick around at home and do nothing productive with my life. 

 

I don't agree. You're immersed in a process, which involves ups and downs. You won your paper wars (you're educating yourself for your future), you're looking for a job, you're volunteering, you're working on your wellbeing with therapy and challenges (involving mud runs, eating cleaner and the like) and so on. It looks like quite a lot to me. Maybe the answer you could give is not a short one (like in "I have my own company and I'm making dollars every second we talk"), maybe you don't have everything figured out, but I feel anxiety or insecurity make you see things far worse than they are in reality.

[fleaball]

7 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

I don't agree. You're immersed in a process, which involves ups and downs. You won your paper wars (you're educating yourself for your future), you're looking for a job, you're volunteering, you're working on your wellbeing with therapy and challenges (involving mud runs, eating cleaner and the like) and so on. It looks like quite a lot to me. Maybe the answer you could give is not a short one (like in "I have my own company and I'm making dollars every second we talk"), maybe you don't have everything figured out, but I feel anxiety or insecurity make you see things far worse than they are in reality.

I started talking about this with my therapist before we got distracted (today was all over the place) and she agrees with you. So I'm just going to roll with it and assume that my perception is flawed. 

 

On a related note, my therapist's new goal is to make me cry. Literally. She said she's been pushing me on the emotional side rather than the behavioral side the past few weeks (derp, I didn't even notice) because she feels like we're really close to a breakthrough. And she's going to keep pushing. Well shit. I did surprise myself and almost start crying before she even said that so yeah no, this isn't going to suck at all. Someone save me.

 

Today's challenge prompt is "what makes you unique?" Which is also something I have to write in my introduction post for my stupid online econ class. Ugh. And I'm stuck. I asked a friend what I should say and she said "your sparkling wit and personality. and also your determination to conquer anxiety." And I'm sitting here like "...lol wut."  I just put that I'm clearly a masochist because I signed up for an OCR, but that's not at all unique on this site so I'll have to come up with something better for y'all.

 

Fuck me. Week 1 of classes and I'm already doing it. The first assignments are due in 22 hours and save for the intro post that I'm about to submit, I haven't done anything. I've been procrastinating all day on this intro because as far as I understand the syllabus we're each supposed to be starting new threads, but so far everyone else has replied to the prof's thread (titled "[prof]'s introduction") with their own. So I'm torn over doing what I'm 99.99% sure it right or doing what everyone else has done. But I'm gonna go toss my post in a new thread now and they can suck it. Now off to bed, up at a reasonable hour, and reading all the econ. Le sigh.

[Briniel]

I was gonna post more, but it looks like you've got work to do, so go and get your paper done. Don't reply here first because you've been sneaking back to NF instead of working on it, close the browser now and get stuff done. You know it's the right thing to do. And I know you probably don't want to do it, because there's a hundred other things that are easier or more fun or simply don't suck as much, but it took so much courage and effort and awesome to go out there and apply for another school and you actually made it so go and make the most of it. I know you'll do awesome. The forums will still be here when you get back. I believe in you.

[fleaball]

8 hours ago, Briniel said:

I was gonna post more, but it looks like you've got work to do, so go and get your paper done. Don't reply here first because you've been sneaking back to NF instead of working on it, close the browser now and get stuff done. You know it's the right thing to do. And I know you probably don't want to do it, because there's a hundred other things that are easier or more fun or simply don't suck as much, but it took so much courage and effort and awesome to go out there and apply for another school and you actually made it so go and make the most of it. I know you'll do awesome. The forums will still be here when you get back. I believe in you.

I'm currently drinking coffee to wake up but my desk is all set up for me to get cracking, so this is totally legal NF time right now. WHat else were you gonna say? Now I'm curious. I promise not to come back til I've finished one of the assignments.

[fleaball]

Luckily the econ reading is a lot shorter than I thought it would be. True to my word I didn't come back til section 1 was done. (Thought about it a few times but didn't because I knew I'd get yelled at.) I'm gonna go make a smoothie. Fuck, I'm out of kale. Argh. Well smoothie anyway. Then section 2. Then YAYOG, shower, whatever homework I can get done between then and dinner with my roommate, and then finishing up. I can totally get this all done before midnight. But I definitely don't want to have a repeat of this next week, yikes.

[Lara]

12 hours ago, fleaball said:

and assume that my perception is flawed

 

It used to happen to me all the time. I would always rebel at anyone saying he/she knew better than me which was my own situation, but I finally accepted that anxiety makes people perceive themselves in a distorted way. It doesn't matter that you're 100% sure you are right, it turns out you're not. Bleh.

 

13 hours ago, fleaball said:

what makes you unique?

 

Genetics Unless you have an identical twin, you're unique, no one with the same exact combination of genes has ever existed or will ever exist.

 

13 hours ago, fleaball said:

Week 1 of classes

 

Again? Papers? Weren't you on holidays? I am at a loss about how the US scholar year works.

[Briniel]

yay!! Awesome

I had typed out all my replies to your previous post (had some catching up to do) but decided to not distract you more from the task at hand Here's the copy-paste:

 

Catching up...

That comment of your friend is so uncalled for. I was under the impression that the opinion of straight white males is what matters most, actually... (as in, "has the most influence". Not as in "is most important".)

Glad you have your car back and it's running so smoothly! So something good do come out of the whole car crash thing, right?

Loved the random rainbow remark

That song/video is really nice, but the title is a big fat lie

I do agree with Lara and your therapist.

I also agree with your friend about what makes you unique, so there.

[fleaball]

27 minutes ago, zenLara said:

 

It used to happen to me all the time. I would always rebel at anyone saying he/she knew better than me which was my own situation, but I finally accepted that anxiety makes people perceive themselves in a distorted way. It doesn't matter that you're 100% sure you are right, it turns out you're not. Bleh.

 

 

Genetics Unless you have an identical twin, you're unique, no one with the same exact combination of genes has ever existed or will ever exist.

 

 

Again? Papers? Weren't you on holidays? I am at a loss about how the US scholar year works.

I wanna be right! *stomps foot and pouts*

 

I almost went the smartass route like that but didn't want to risk it lol. I'm not sure if we're being graded on this or not. 

 

Fewer papers, more reading and general bullshit this round. I'm taking a 7-week summer class online. Our school year is typically late August/early September to December and then January to April/May. But some schools offer intensive classes over Christmas break and most offer some over the summer as well. They're not strictly required, although my program requires 39 credits, which is 4 full-time semesters (9 credits each) plus another somewhere, so it's either a summer class or take 12 credits one semester. Nope. 

 

22 minutes ago, Briniel said:

yay!! Awesome

I had typed out all my replies to your previous post (had some catching up to do) but decided to not distract you more from the task at hand Here's the copy-paste:

 

Catching up...

That comment of your friend is so uncalled for. I was under the impression that the opinion of straight white males is what matters most, actually... (as in, "has the most influence". Not as in "is most important".)

Glad you have your car back and it's running so smoothly! So something good do come out of the whole car crash thing, right?

Loved the random rainbow remark

That song/video is really nice, but the title is a big fat lie

I do agree with Lara and your therapist.

I also agree with your friend about what makes you unique, so there.

Haha you're the best. For the record I am ahead of the schedule I made for myself because so far the readings have been a lot shorter than I expected, so I am here taking a break from all the hypothetical things I'm reading. (It's literally all "Pretend cotton costs X, but then it costs Y. Look at this graph with no numbers on it." Oy.) 

 

Yeah idk what my friend's deal is. I know a lot of people are like  but hi, no one is saying your opinions don't matter, just that ours matter too. If Trump gets elected I will text that guy and be like "this is all your fault." But let's not talk about that nightmare.

 

Balls. I hadn't thought about that. You're right, because eventually I'd've hit a bump or something and fucked up my suspension and then probably gotten in an accident anyway. But yeah. Thanks for that. 

 

I guess what caught me off guard about my friend saying that is that I don't see it as determination necessarily? Like I go to therapy because my brain is fucked and I want to either make it not be fucked or figure out how to work around the fuckery. And it's just a thing I'm doing. I like thinking of it as determination though, so that's cool. 

[Sylvaa]

I love your therapist (just saying)....

 

Why in the world you would pick Econ for an elective, I'm not totally sure? And that's coming from a former Econ major (and for the record, I can totally envision your cotton example ).

 

Why in the world would your friend say that - I would have punched him for you. Like, it makes me so mad that somewhere along the line, someone decided that because I am a straight, white woman married to a straight, white man - that makes me "better" and therefore gives me more rights than any one of a number of you? How messed up is that the fact that people actually feel that way? (sorry - I've been swamped with work, so I'm so behind on everything). 

 

On a positive note, I'm really sorry that I missed a drunken flea night on NF. 

 

Also, I got an e-mail that the Savage Race for 2016 is open - $66 to race right now, plus a 25% off coupon!

[fleaball]

5 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

I love your therapist (just saying)....

 

Why in the world you would pick Econ for an elective, I'm not totally sure? And that's coming from a former Econ major (and for the record, I can totally envision your cotton example ).

 

Why in the world would your friend say that - I would have punched him for you. Like, it makes me so mad that somewhere along the line, someone decided that because I am a straight, white woman married to a straight, white man - that makes me "better" and therefore gives me more rights than any one of a number of you? How messed up is that the fact that people actually feel that way? (sorry - I've been swamped with work, so I'm so behind on everything). 

 

On a positive note, I'm really sorry that I missed a drunken flea night on NF. 

 

Also, I got an e-mail that the Savage Race for 2016 is open - $66 to race right now, plus a 25% off coupon!

I love her too. I got damn lucky lol. 

 

The class itself is required for the program. And it was the only online option this summer. I didn't feel like dealing with a 45-minute+ commute to take an on-campus class. I slightly regret that decision right now but oh well. 

 

People are fucked, man. I mean not perfect and definitely say stupid shit, but I hope I don't say it in a room full of people it offends. Ugh. He also got mad when someone's answer to "what really cracked the Liberty Bell" was something like "the weight of white patriarchy." Which was a hilarious answer. Idk. 

 

You didn't really miss much? There were relatively few shenanigans. 

 

I googled it really quickly but will have to look at it more before I make a decision. I think I'm registered for another weekend class that day too. 

[Sylvaa]

Yeah, you just need to get drunk and have more shenanigans - they were pretty tame this time.

 

Also - whoops! Savage Race 2017 in Pennsylvania (I was like, seriously - you know your schedule for next year then I realized that - no, I just don't know what year it is).

[fleaball]

In my defense it seems like I post drink most often when I'm out and uncomfortable or come home after getting really drunk. Neither of which has happened in a while. Maybe post-Spartan. I don't drink much as it is but I'm gonna try to do it as little as possible just to avoid gaining weight rn. Since I'm not doing much by way of losing it. 

 

Hurr durr I was like "but 2017 is two years away?" No. No it's not. I'll check it tomorrow but it's probably a go then. I didn't even look at other locations. Derp. 

 

Ohhh man my body is going to hate me when this workout is over. Leg day is bad. 

[Lara]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Ohhh man my body is going to hate me when this workout is over.

 

Then you're walking on the right path!

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, zenLara said:

 

Then you're walking on the right path!

I won't be walking it tomorrow. 

 

Okay I feel slightly less dead after the workout is over but it's still going to suck tomorrow. I think I did a little better balancing on my bad ankle when I needed to, so baby steps. I meant to do a plank at the end of the cooldown but totally forgot. Maybe before bed. There is definitely yoga in my future tomorrow. Also pop quiz: who knows what the muscles are called in the crease where your thigh meets your hips? Because those are bugging me. Not because of the workout, but probably because all I do is sit around on shitty furniture. 

 

So here I am feeling proud of myself for not dying and my roommate texts me to say she's literally running home from work. It's 2.9mi/4.67 km. How dare you. I am not comparing myself here, just jealous of the fact that she can do it. 

 

Okay. Back to econ before dinner. 

[Owlet]

Ooh ooh me! I know! Hip flexors  they bug me too, especially if I do certain ab exercises and because my abs are weak I end up straining those muscles instead, buu. I was even reading an article on correct way to stretch them last night. Let's see if I can find it...

 

http://www.getcircusstrong.com/dear-circus-artistathletes-please-stop-doing-this-stretch/?fb_action_ids=10157023049120471&fb_action_types=news.publishes

 

Ignore the title, near the bottom of the article they show how to do it correctly. Have fun!

 

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, Owlet said:

Ooh ooh me! I know! Hip flexors  they bug me too, especially if I do certain ab exercises and because my abs are weak I end up straining those muscles instead, buu. I was even reading an article on correct way to stretch them last night. Let's see if I can find it...

 

http://www.getcircusstrong.com/dear-circus-artistathletes-please-stop-doing-this-stretch/?fb_action_ids=10157023049120471&fb_action_types=news.publishes

 

Ignore the title, near the bottom of the article they show how to do it correctly. Have fun!

 

Woo, bookmarked! Thanks! 

 

So. Told myself I wasn't going to drink, because see above. Yeah that turned into two margaritas. But I'm okay with that because I so rarely actually see my roommate. 

 

I don't feel quite as dead now as I did during my workout, and not nearly as sore as the last time I did it, so hopefully tomorrow won't be as bad as I expect. There may be an arm workout in my future. But i'm planning on hitting Costco tomorrow so I should probably wait until after that, instead of working out before and having jelly arms trying to lift all this shit. 

 

Y'all, convince me that I don't need one of the fancy fitness trackers that does heart rate and possibly GPS. I can't find my fitbit as it is (it's in my house because it synced on Sunday but I'll be damned if I can find it) but I really want the heart rate feature. I'm still in a normal range but every time I've been to the doctor post-hospital I swear it's been a lot higher than it used to be, so I want to see if I can slowly get it down. That would be fun. 

 

I'm kinda just rambling because I'm drunk. Ish. Which is great because I have to go post about comparative advantage now. Kill me. 

[Owlet]

You don't need one. It'll just help clog up the oceans that little bit more one day. And money. Convinced? =P

 

Nice one on the workouts! Love it when it hurts less and you know you must be improving. 

 

Mm margaritas...

[Owlet]

Oh yeah and this link too, though it's a bit longer and denser. 

 

http://breakingmuscle.com/mobility-recovery/squats-and-hip-dysfunction-2-common-problems-and-how-to-fix-them?page=0,0

 

basically saying that that passive sitting positions day in and day out can cause tight hip flexors, which can be made worse if your squat technique isn't great. I've been doing the wall squats from this follow-on article and realise now I'm not nearly as good at squats as I thought I was lol. https://breakingmuscle.com/mobility-recovery/squat-therapy-4-drills-that-will-improve-your-squat

 

[fleaball]

You're the best. I did just buy this thing and use it today while reading. Idk if it helped my hips any but I certainly felt it forcing me to sit up straight.

 

I have an hour and a half to write this discussion post and I just don't want to. I just want to go to sleep. Blathering on about American comparative advantage is just... no. Please no.

[Owlet]

Sweet! Yeah sitting up straight has gotta be good. I am so bad at that ugh. 

 

Write the thing! Make it so! 

[fleaball]

11:56pm. Made it by 3 minutes. I definitely wrote 800 words of bullshit along the lines of "I have no idea what to say so if I say a lot maybe I'll get something right."  

 

And now off to bed! Tomorrow's to-do list is written out, to be edited as needed. 

 

I still don't know what to say for what makes me unique (less because I don't think I'm a special snowflake and more because I take these things for granted and don't realize they are indeed special) and today's prompt was "your best feature." I think. Which I have an answer for but have to go digging to see if I can find a picture.

 

Really to bed. Jesus.

[fleaball]

I was gonna ~do things~ today. And then epic paralyzingly anxiety happened and I realized I'm kind of an asshole. So ostriched instead. And now it's 3:30am and my ass is finally in bed after not meaning to stay up nearly this late. and as a result of picking apart the anxiety and not being able to let it go, I may have just made a connection to where I think my therapist is going with all her prodding. So now I get to turn the light back on and write all this shit out before I forget it. Fucking whee.

[Owlet]

...yay? I mean that's good you had some realisations worth writing down. Sorry to her about the anxiety though, that's balls. Hope you feel much better soon, are you seeing your therapist soon? Sending you cyber kittie cuddles!

[Countess D'If]

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

I was gonna ~do things~ today. And then epic paralyzingly anxiety happened and I realized I'm kind of an asshole. 

 

Um. . .  Qua?

[fleaball]

2 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

 

Um. . .  Qua?

 

Flawed judgment ahead:

Spoiler

One of my grad school friends invited me to her wedding in August. Which caught me off guard because okay we're friends but I didn't think we were actually that close? The biggest issue I have with it is that it's in Burlington VT, which is about a 10-hour drive from here, which makes it not a "show up for the day and go home" but involves planning and an entire weekend etc. I'd been trying to think of a reason to decline (RSVPs due a week from today) and yesterday she texted me saying she'd missed me at the bridal shower and did I get the invitation to that, also did I get the wedding invite because the post office fucked up and a lot of people didn't get theirs. The shower was last month and several of us from school got the invites 5 days before it happened. It was in DC, but that's not really enough time for me to process/prepare for something like that so I said I couldn't make it bc I already had plans to be out of town. It was one of those evites websites so I'm guessing she didn't see the message. Nbd. I said I was still trying to figure out if I could make it to the wedding and she said no worries because it's a long trip blah blah. Cool. But then she was like "well I also invited these 5 people from school so you could try to coordinate with them to make it easier." And then later on sent all of us an email with details about hotels and such. And I'm sure it's just her trying to be as helpful as possible but I feel like I'm being forced/guilted into it now and rebelling even harder.

 

So. Anxiety about that in general. Specifically:

• It would be a 3 if not 4 day trip. (Drive up Friday, wedding on Saturday, probably drive home Sunday but his parents are hosting a brunch for everyone Sunday as well so it's going to be a fucking long day/drive.) I don't want to block off that much time in case something (what!?) comes up. Most likely, what if I magically get offered a job but then lose it because they won't give me that Friday off? [Solution: I will probably not get a job before then because I haven't been applying for that many, but if I do that bridge can be crossed when I get there.]
• I'm friends with everyone else going, in the sense of "we are all in the same cohort and I will talk to any of them if we're in the lounge together," but I don't really want to spend 9-10 hours in a car with them. [Solution: I have an all-but-brand-new car, just be a dick and go by myself. (I could use the excuse of detouring to Boston to pick up a few things I left there, but I also don't want to go home.)]
  • Except the girl who kissed me that night we all went out is also going and I am actually really uncomfortable around her. 
• There will be a shit ton of people there I don't know, and I will be stuck with the group from school, and will actually probably wind up sitting around by myself because I don't like dancing unless I'm very drunk (and even then I don't quite like it so much as I stop caring) and I'm not getting that drunk at someone's wedding. 
• Also money. It wouldn't be terribly expensive assuming we all carpool and share hotel rooms, but I'm probably still looking at a couple hundred dollars. Which I can technically afford but would rather not have to spend unless absolutely necessary.
• Also buying an outfit because I have nothing resembling dressy rn. Which costs money and I hate shopping in general and I would have to buy something several sizes larger than I want. (Which is my own fault but whatever.)

 

Why I am an asshole: 

• Anxiety aside, I straight up just don't want to go. I hate weddings. I don't get them. I know it's supposed to be ~super special~ because people have invited you to come witness them ~devoting their lives to each other~ or whatever, but my reaction is mostly just "good for you, I really don't care." Not in a mean way, I am just completely ambivalent to all of this. I've been to a Catholic wedding and to one that may have had a minister presiding but I don't think was really a religious ceremony, and I was bored out of my mind at both and wondering what the point was. 
• Given that, I especially don't want to trek my ass up to Vermont for a weekend for a wedding.
• I have nothing against people getting married. I'm not that much of an asshole. I am just apparently not the person you want to celebrate it with you. 

I could go into more detail but it's all variations on the themes above. and/or I can't figure out how to articulate it. So like, anxiety because I don't want to go for all the anxiety reasons, also for feeling like I have to go/like I was being guilted into it, and then feeling like an asshole for not giving a shit about marriage in general and then anxiety about being an asshole as well. And I feel like even if I do go I'll be a grumpy bitch because "why the fuck am I even here?" I don't even know if I've explained any of this in a way that makes sense. I am really leaning toward not going, but what the fuck kind of excuse do I give after the email with the hotels and such? "Hi you've made it as easy as possible for this to work but I still can't make it, sorry." I suppose I could be all "lol unexpected car repairs" but ugh. 

 

Smaller detail: the friend at school I am closest to is not invited (they're both friends and we're all supposed to be going out soon so idk whatever) so I can't rant about it to her like I do with most anxiety-inducing things and that is stressing me out. 

 

13 hours ago, Owlet said:

...yay? I mean that's good you had some realisations worth writing down. Sorry to her about the anxiety though, that's balls. Hope you feel much better soon, are you seeing your therapist soon? Sending you cyber kittie cuddles!

Yay kitty cuddles! Yeah I see her every Wednesday. I've been meaning to talk to her about the stupid wedding (source of anxiety if you don't read the spoilered bit) for weeks but kept forgetting because we kept getting right into bigger things. I could bring it up next week, but my RSVP is due Saturday so idk if that's waiting too long.

 

I'm not really sure what I realized this morning will help in a practical sense, tbh. At our last session my therapist asked about my parents based on other things I was saying, and something about did I feel like they were dependable growing up and that I was safe? So I think she's digging into attachment theory stuff. And those questions line up with the super expert assumptions I made about myself when we covered this in my child psych class in undergrad. It's one of those things where it can probably give her a base for where to start actually working on this shit (by which I mean moving from the management techniques to the trying to pick it apart and resolve some of the issues, although i'm not complaining about the former) but I don't think it's going to help day-to-day right now. 

 

I'm laughing because it looks like I will become a cliche and be able to say I'm in therapy because [at least I feel like] my parents didn't love me enough. On the other hand, I'm about to start crying because I remember reading that it's pretty hard to change your attachment style. I know it's my current anxious state coloring my outlook on this right now but thought of being stuck like this and being completely fucked up for the rest of my life is just something I cannot deal with.