what to do about this friend?

[ebm1224]

ok, so i've debated posting this topic for a week or so now jsut because i keep thinking maybe i'm making too much of this. also, there are alot of very specific details about this person that i don't want to just go posting willy-nilly on the internet. but i could use some advice and i'd love to get ya'll's take on this.

i met this girl a few years ago when she was dating a friend of mine. we've never been terribly close but over the last year or so she and her new boyfriend have become a part of our group of friends that we see on a fairly regular basis (once a week usually). for awhile there it seemed that she was finally letting her guard down with us a bit (she's kind of shy) and we actually had a couple of good conversations. but lately it's just been weird and awkward every time she comes around...and i'm not really sure how to handle it.

the last few times we've seen her (maybe since the holidays) she really hasn't participated in the conversation hardly at all. some of this i chalked up to being shy or some social anxiety. but more recently we planned a girls night with just a few of us and invited her. much to my surprise she came along. but she said like 5 words the whole time. we went to dinner and she didn't contribute to the conversation hardly at all. only when we asked her direct questions did she answer...and her answers were pretty much one word. also, she really didn't seem to be paying attention to the conversation. after dinner we decided to go to a friend's house to watch a movie but she declined.

a day or so later i asked her boyfriend what was up. he said that she just doesn't connect with us...or something. i know she has some very specific interests...not all of which the majority of the group shares. but i've made efforts to ask her about those interests...hoping to spark some kind of conversation...but nothing.

at this point, i'm torn because i know she'll be insulted if we don't keep inviting her to things (and i still hold out hope that she'll eventually be comfortable being herself around us) but i also don't want anymore awkwardness. her boyfriend is awesome and we get along with him great. i'd love to talk to her about it but i'm not sure how receptive she'd be. also, her boyfriend cautioned that if i upset her with that conversation then he'll have to pick up the pieces...and i really don't want to cause problems in my friends relationships....

so yeah. sorry, long post but i think i got the story across. any idea how to proceed? why would she keep coming to things if she doesn't like us? how do i get her to come out of her shell?

thanks kids!

[CRM114]

I don't really like labels, and believe everyone has a mixed personality... but to me this girl just sounds like an Introvert. Most people confuse Introversion for Shyness, which isn't the case. For example, most Introverts don't shy away from social situations (parties, clubs, etc.) Its just that she may not be contributing because she has nothing really to contribute to the conversation... or she doesn't want to be the center of attention. Her not joining you guys later in the night sounds more like her just needing her own personal space to recharge. She may WANT to join you, but is just drained from the rest of the night and needs time to recoup. Keep inviting her, and trying to engage with her. There will be times she contributes, and other times where she may just listen. Hope this helps.

[shutterpillar]

I agree with CRM.

This girl actually sounds a lot like me. I'm totally introverted and it takes me a while to warm up to and find things in common with other people. It doesn't help that I am quirky and have a weird sense of humor.

If you really like her and want her to feel welcome, just continue to invite her to things. She may warm up eventually.

[Unda]

I'd say keep trying to invite her, maybe ask her boyfriend if he can ask her if/what she likes about your outings and get him to report back so that you're sure that you're not doing something she hates or overwhelming her. If her bf is comfortable with that though.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Seems like either she's an introvert and doesn't have much to say but is enjoying herself, or she just doesn't mesh with you guys all that well and keeps coming out because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by turning you down. You won't know except to ask, but if she keeps coming out and its been awhile, I doubt it's the later. So it's probably the former or something we haven't thought of. Keep inviting her and maybe she'll open up, or if your other friends sort of feel the same way, don't. you can't maintain every friendship you ever make.

My one buddy has a girlfriend like this who's been around over a year at this point and is still very quiet and doesn't speak out too much, but she is slowly opening up more. It's the same type of thing where I don't really have anything to connect with her with. I never know what to talk to her about.

[ebm1224]

ironically she's the one who posted the link that helped me find this site....

[Hermione Gainser]

I 100% agree with CRM. I am the same way. If I come out it's for a reason. I also decline invites when I don't feel like going. If she doesn't want to come out she won't. I say keep inviting her and see where it goes.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

ironically she's the one who posted the link that helped me find this site....

Ignore my previous post. You should cherish her forever and ever.

[shiggles]

Yeah I'd continue inviting her.

Sounds a bit like me and my hobbies and interests. Personally I don't like going out a lot, especially girls nights out sort of thing and I don't really do late nights so I would be unlikely to follow on a dinner or party somewhere else. So it's likely not that he doesn't like you, that's just the way some people are. If she doesn't like you or going out with your group then she will think up an excuse not to come next time, rather than you choosing to leave her out of the invitation.

As to hobbies as well I don't like to talk about them so much because it gets me into awkward situations where some people just don't approve or don't understand why I like to do what I do.

[ebm1224]

i'm glad to hear that others think that she wouldn't come out if she didn't like spending time with us.... any advice of things i can do to help her feel more at ease? her bf suggested a quieter restaurant.

[BadWolf]

Sounds kind of like me, but only in some situations. Sometimes I feel weird in groups of people who have known each other a while and I'm the new person. It's awkward and sometimes it feels like I can't cut into the conversation or when I get asked a question I feel like I'm only being asked because I'm too quiet. Sometimes I do open up, but it takes awhile and a few drinks! It just takes time, keep inviting her. If she didn't want to come along she wouldn't. I am great at declining invitations, but if I want to go, I go even though I may be quiet or awkward. It's hard for people on both ends.

[oystergirl]

Here is the thing, and I have loads of experience with this because I am way older than you. LOL you can love someone, but not get along with their significant other. If you make an effort and the warmth and response that you are giving is not returned, you have done your social duty. There is nothing in the friendship code that says you need to socialize with this woman in a one on one way. We have a very good friend who has a very agressive wife who we do not socialize with except in big family situations because she simply makes the entire situation uncomfortable.

If her boyfriend point blank told you she does not connect with you guys, obviously she talked to him about it and he cared enough about you to tell you. Making additional effort will ONLY make her uncomfortable. If she has not opened up before who's to say your confronting her about your "relationship" will make her open up and be more friendly?

We are meant to be friends with the folks that we "feel"...if you aint feeling it and you made a polite and concerted effort only to be rebuffed, I said you did your duty, no need to dwell on it and just see her at social events. It is not up to you to make her feel comfortable...you just be kind and its up to her how she takes stuff...hugs! You are a kind and loving person and anyone would appreciate you!

[CRM114]

If she is truly introverted, and you enjoy her company (other then the fact her quietness is making you uncomfortable) and she keeps accepting your invitations, the best thing to do would be to just accept her along with her personality. Don't really make a big deal about trying to make her feel comfortable. The last thing she would want is to be put on the spot, then she would probably really shut down. (I'm saying this as an Introvert myself) She'll join you if she wants, and if she doesn't she wont. Bottom line is... just enjoy YOURSELF and don't worry about making other people happy, they are all just along for the ride.

Edit: You may be surprised to find that there might be an activity that you guys do that she turns out to be very Extroverted in. For example with myself, I am VERY Extroverted on the Baseball field. I talk trash and flex when I hit homeruns and steal bases (which more often then not ends up with me getting drilled in my next at bat XD) But put me in a club with a group of people talking about Snooki or the Kardashians and I'll either zone out or try to listen and understand, though I probably wont participate... I DO enjoy the company though, but may need 'me time' to recoup.

[Mb82]

I'd say keep inviting her. My BILs Brother is like that. He will stand in a corner at a party and just watch everyone. His job well sort of is just that. If you start talking directly to him he will talk and be fairly normal. I asked him one time about the watching thing and he said he enjoying trying to figure people out by the way they act in public. He hit the nail on the head with me, disturbingly close I might add, just by watching my actions the first time he and I were at a party together. Someone who can't do one thing for any period of time, is very introverted but in a party seems very much an extrovert.

[verin]

Alright so after giving your post a read here is what i think :

Something must have happened with her, probably something in her family since she's still with the boyfriend. It's odd that the boyfriend would mention that he'd be the one to pick up the pieces should she be upset which suggests a couple things. One that she's been upset a lot recently and two that she relies on him OR he makes a big effort to be part of her life. Anyways if it was me i'd take her aside one day, out to lunch or something, and talk to her. The only reason i don't say she is an introvert and think something damaging has happened is because from your post it would seem there has been a change in personality. Also if she is on any sort of medication and had a change there her mood could be affected which would effect her social life. In any case if it's bugging you and important to you ask her nice but pointedly if anything is wrong and listen carefully to her response. Best of luck! I'm sorry i can't be of more help.

[AuroraNorth]

Here is the thing, and I have loads of experience with this because I am way older than you. LOL you can love someone, but not get along with their significant other. If you make an effort and the warmth and response that you are giving is not returned, you have done your social duty. There is nothing in the friendship code that says you need to socialize with this woman in a one on one way. We have a very good friend who has a very agressive wife who we do not socialize with except in big family situations because she simply makes the entire situation uncomfortable.

If her boyfriend point blank told you she does not connect with you guys, obviously she talked to him about it and he cared enough about you to tell you. Making additional effort will ONLY make her uncomfortable. If she has not opened up before who's to say your confronting her about your "relationship" will make her open up and be more friendly?

We are meant to be friends with the folks that we "feel"...if you aint feeling it and you made a polite and concerted effort only to be rebuffed, I said you did your duty, no need to dwell on it and just see her at social events. It is not up to you to make her feel comfortable...you just be kind and its up to her how she takes stuff...hugs! You are a kind and loving person and anyone would appreciate you!

This. I'd keep being nice to her, but you can't force friendship and it sounds like she's not interested. I'd let it go and see her at group things. Pushing might well make things worse.

[Marlowe]

I guess I'm a contrarian on this one, but if it were me I'd probably stop inviting her to the 'extra' stuff, similar to what oystergirl said.

I mean, geez, if her boyfriend said she doesn't feel like she connects with you guys, why waste each others' time? Life's too short to waste time with people who aren't putting in an effort or you aren't mutually benefiting from. Of course you're totally nice when you do see each other, 'cuase it's not like she's a bad person or you dislike her. But, just like you don't spend time with most of people at work but are pleasant enough around them, you don't need to force something that ain't there.

[ebm1224]

verin, you definitely picked up on something. obviously i don't want to air her dirty laundry online but, yes, there are issues that go beyond just being introverted. she's very into the cosplay and anime worlds and, while i don't share those interests, i respect that that is what she is into. also, in that setting (and really with people she knows from that setting) she is very outgoing and likes to be the center of attention. so it's strange when she shows up and doesn't talk.

[AKLulu]

Have you only always hung out with her in groups? People would have a hard time believing I'm much of an introvert at all, but when I get in groups I clam up, especially if I don't know many people very well. Perhaps if it was just like a double date or even just you and her it would be easier for her? That's a rough situation for sure.

[Atalan]

verin, you definitely picked up on something. obviously i don't want to air her dirty laundry online but, yes, there are issues that go beyond just being introverted. she's very into the cosplay and anime worlds and, while i don't share those interests, i respect that that is what she is into. also, in that setting (and really with people she knows from that setting) she is very outgoing and likes to be the center of attention. so it's strange when she shows up and doesn't talk.

She is an introvert. It is easier for her to be the center of attention in something like cosplay because she either recognizes herself as being something of an expert, or recognizes that others recognize herself as an expert. In areas where she is less sure of herself she will clam up. As an introvert myself I recognize this kind of thing. It goes back to how she was initially socially accepted. Anime/cosplay fans were very welcoming to her in the beginning, so she was first socialized, even as an introvert, in those worlds. Thus, she feels much more comfortable interacting with people regarding those interests. However, she was probably brutally shut down or ignored in other worlds, making her feel much less comfortable outside of anime/cosplay.

Think of it as if she is an internal combustion engine that gets 5 miles to the gallon off of regular gasoline. However, if you give her the specialized ethanol gasoline she can jump up to 50 miles to the gallon. Eventually she will need to refuel with some alone-time, but she can go a lot further in the specialized worlds because she is more efficient navigating them.

[jediknightingale]

If she is a newer member of your group she may feel like she doesn't belong. I moved a lot in high school and remember feeling like my new groups of friends had all this background and I am just an awkward chick tossed into the middle. Have you tried spending time with just her? Like lunch or even the movies. Maybe once she felt closer to one person (besides her boyfriend) she would open up more to the entire group. Especially if she likes being the center of attention in other social circles...it sounds like she doesn't want to embarrass herself if she talks about something that no one else is interested in. Once she becomes more comfortable with one person she may feel like she has an ally.

[ebm1224]

thanks for the advice, guys! we've actually all known each other about the same amount of time so i don't think she feels like the odd man out. i decided to send her a facebook message about something unrelated and added in that i would like to talk to her about something sensitive sometime - invited her to lunch. her response was pretty positive and she recommended we get dinner or coffee or something some night. she also said if i'd prefer to talk to her about it through messages that would be fine too.

what do ya'll suggest? do you think she'd be more comfortable talking about this through messages? or should i suck it up and sit down and talk to her about this face to face (this actually puts me a bit out of my comfort zone - i communicate about these kinds of things much better when i can write/edit them)?

[verin]

Sit down and talk with her. A lot gets lost in FB messages. Plus if it's important enough to talk to her about it it's worth doing it in person.

[oystergirl]

I would talk in person, but only after you "feel out the situation" of being together. If she seems indifferent or completely closed off, ask her about her gaming, etc and see if she opens up. If she keeps that a secret then frankly, it seems to me she is simply happier hanging with her man and not the group.

[shutterpillar]

I feel like if she went out of her way to say that talking through messages would also be fine with her (like, if you didn't bring it up. she brought that up all on her own) then that might just be her way of saying that she is more comfortable with taking via messages. I do it myself... sometimes people take the bait, sometimes they don't. Being in introvert, I find it easier for me to open up to someone I know if I am not face to face with them. That way I can take my time and think about what I want to say, whereas if I am sitting in front of someone in person then I tend to fumble my words and I don't typically get all my feelings/thoughts out there. It has even taken me up until about two years ago to talk face to face with my husband about difficult subjects, and we have been together for almost 8 years! Thank God he understood my quirks, right? lol. He is introverted and completely anti-social (sometimes people wonder how we even got together) so I guess it takes one to know one.

ANYWAY. Sorry to ramble. I thought I might throw it out there that she could actually prefer talking via message if she was the one who brought it up.