finding new friends?

[Maggie May]

So I'm sure there are posts similar to this out there. But, as you've become more fitness-centered, have you realized that your friendships changed?

Now, I've always been into fitness/working out/being "healthy" or whatever. My main group of friends know that. Heck I worked as a trainer for a while. But since I started really getting more serious about it (CrossFit/paleo), I feel like my friends and I have drifted apart.

Sidenote: I did also get married 6 months ago. BUT, I feel like I am constantly the one trying to get people together, planning outings, etc. But either people are just THAT busy, or something is changing. It's kind of disgouraging, because I mean, who doesnt' like to have friends?

I've tried forming bonds with the ladies at my CrossFit box. And while I'm definitely becoming friends with them, they've all known each other longer and I'm not really "in" their "group" yet. Or something. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive.

Anyone have anything similar happen? How did you handle it?

Edit: I also wanted to mention that I've been "hanging out" online a lot more - to connect with people here and on Instagram (I have made "friends" on there; it's weird). My husband doesn't get it, and I've realized that I have been having more bonds with people over the internet than I do with my friends in real life. It kind of makes me sad, but everyone has that emotional need for human connection right? So if I'm not getting it in person (besides from my husband; he's great), why not get it online?? I'd rather have both though...

[Guest Snake McClain]

mags i know exactly what you mean. I have the same issue. my regular friends don't really get it so i can never really talk about it with them. and wrestling i can talk about them as they are fans but i can't really talk about my experiences without giving things away that are sort of "trade secrets". and like you i'm not quite "in the club" so i don't get along there either.

It is very strange. I'm making friends with a couple guys at the gym. we chat about things going on in life as we lift and that's cool, but everything has changed. its like an alternate earth or something.

[ebm1224]

i don't think my experiences have much to do with my lifestyle but i definitely can relate to what you're going through. it seems like some weeks people are all "let's hang out!" and then other weeks i don't hear from people at all. i know life happens and i think we all sorta get into our own little worlds and routines but i agree it is frustrating to sometimes feel like you're ALWAYS the one to initiate contact.

personally, my biggest insecurity lately is that my friends only hang out with me because they like my boyfriend. we're friends with alot of couples and one of the girls (who i consider my best female friend) probably has more in common with him than with me. we've hung out just the girls before and it's alot of fun...and i've hung out with the couples on my own when the bf is doing other things...but my insecurity sometimes gets the best of me.

maybe your rl friends are a little intimidated by how hardcore you've gotten with fitness? i'll admit crossfit folks kinda intimidate me...and i think i feel like they're silently judging me. i know it's not true but i sometimes can't shake the feeling. one thing to maybe think about (pulling from steve's recent article) is to step back and see how you might be coming across to others. are all your recent facebook statuses about working out? are all your recent pictures of you lifting shit over your head? whn we don't see people on a very frequent basis, they sometimes can build ideas about us based on what they do see - facebook for example. maybe you're giving the impression to them that you've changed and can't be bothered with them anymore?

again, completely unsure if this fits with what you're feeling but it might be worth looking into.

i've also found myself spending more time online lately because, frankly, it feels good to talk to people who i feel "get me" in this regard. while my friends have had their own struggles with weight/fitness and we do talk about it sometimes, we all sort of have different mentalities about it.

so i wish i could offer more advice. if you like the women at your gym maybe take the initiative and invite them over for dinner some night...or to some activity that isn't workout related. mabye try some new activities...meetup.com is a great resource. and maybe look in a little more on what your friends are doing - maybe they're jealous that you're married and they are still single? try and spend some one on one time with the people you care about...i'm sure they can set aside an hour for dinner or coffee some night.

^^^rambling thoughts

[CRM114]

I've been through what you're going through. Many of my friends (if you can still call them that) are still in the 'Lets go clubbing and get drunk every night' phase. I actually had an epiphany about two years ago. I realised there is more to life, and I actually didn't really enjoy that lifestyle. I felt that since I was a 20 something, that is just what I should be doing. A couple of my friends are still around, but for the most part my circle of friends has almost completely changed. Do what makes YOU happy, and you will always find awesome like minded people pursuing the same interests!

[Maggie May]

ebm, you are probably right about a lot of those things, esp the Facebook thing! I do post a lot about it... but I don't mean to come across one way or the other. I still eat cookies and shove my face and take rest days. sad, but true. haha. I will definitely try to be more mindful of that.............

[ebm1224]

for what it's worth, i think you're badass

[Morrigainz]

i've also found myself spending more time online lately because, frankly, it feels good to talk to people who i feel "get me" in this regard.

OMG this is so me right now. All day, every day, reading about fitness, learning about fitness/diet, posting, etc etc etc. I have only one person in my "real life" that gets this, and she's gone kind of flaky since her son died (so totes understand) so we don't see each other that often. It's hard when I have to "chase" her to hang out, when I have so much other stuff going on.

But yeah. None of my other friends are into it. (The few that I have.) I show people pics of women with awesome muscles and low bf% and they're like, "That's gross, she looks like a man." I've tried explaining that many of those women are competing, and after the competition they go out and have a huge hamburger, but they don't seem to get it.

Anyway Maggie...good luck to you. It's tough :/

[Guest Snake McClain]

ebm, you are probably right about a lot of those things, esp the Facebook thing! I do post a lot about it... but I don't mean to come across one way or the other. I still eat cookies and shove my face and take rest days. sad, but true. haha. I will definitely try to be more mindful of that.............

Maybe mention the cookie eating and your lazy days. or don't mention all the fitness stuff so much. i realized recently that people were thinking i was coming off as a douche because i was talking about how much i dead lift all the time and everytime i'd add more weight to something. looking at it i thought, 'man if i saw someone saying this all the time i'd think they were an @$$hole'. Not saying you're an arse hole but maybe see that some people it scares away. I realized it and i've tried to back off.

[Waldo]

My wife and I did the great kiss all your friends goodbye move across the country thing. I spent a long time as a 4-5 day a week traveling employee too. Neither of us have any links within a few states from when we were single, and we didn't do the whole hang out in bars thing. I did as a traveling employee, but that was typically the hotel bar hang out with other traveling employees thing.

Needless to say we didn't make a whole lot of friends. My wife made a few where she worked, but now we are among the new parents which is another great leave all your friends behind rift typically. Our son is still too young to play with other kids. I'm sure we'll start interacting with other parents (more than just gymboree) here in the upcoming years, but lately its been us, baby, and friends on the 'net.

[Maggie May]

bruce you're probably right, maybe i am an asshole. haha

[Guest Snake McClain]

bruce you're probably right, maybe i am an asshole. haha

hahaha no no. you really aren't. just saying maybe people percieve it as some did with me "why is he so cocky all of the sudden". and to you or me we know we aren't cocky. we are excited/proud that we worked so hard but they don't see it that way.

regardless maggie you aren't an asshole. you're pretty rad. i guess.

[oystergirl]

Here is the thing that's very interesting. In the past, pre-internet you really only had access to a limited number of folks and most people stuck with people in their "life phase"...we had a big group of friends from the fraternity and college and as people got married or changed out of that rah rah party hard lifestyle they drifted. Having kids moved you into another life phase and you became friends with people with kids, or mom's from school, or folks who volunteered in the same groups, or folks from church, etc.

Now, with the internet, I think people search out like minded individuals and they would much rather "virtually hang" with like minded folks that try and fit into a real group. Myself included! I have been online for about 14 years and frequented Rock forums, baseball stuff, fitness stuff and spiritual stuff. I have made plenty of friendships online and some have translated into the BEST friends I have ever had in my life...I know 5 couples who married after meeting on interest boards!

I have about 3 people I would want to hang out with locally. I long ago lost the desire to PUSH myself into friendships just to have them, but you are much younger than me and camraderie is so important if it is something you really want. I would not blame your friends for drifting, and as you get more involved with marriage and life it becomes a BURDEN to have way too many "not that committed" friends. I have 3 truly dynamite girls who will literally pick up and travel to europe with me if I ask them to. No question...schedules shift and we are off...our husband's get that and that is that. LOL

Doing the online thing is fine and dandy, it serves a purpose to supplement your local friends. Nurture the friendships that you value. Be open to new ones and know YOU are just like everyone else out there... hugs!

[WizardTrip]

I can understand. ~4 years ago I picked up and moved to the DC area not knowing a single person here. All's good now, but it can be tough finding new friends.

With that said, I'm glad you mentioned your side note. So my question is, are most of your friends single? If that is the case, I may put more of this on you having recently gotten married more than getting more into fitness. All situations are different, but I'm single and each time a friend of mine gets married, they become more distant. I honestly don't reach out to them nearly as often as before, and more likely will wait for them to reach out to me. The reason is, before they were married, I was reaching out to a single friend that could do as she/he pleases, now I would be reaching out to either 2 people or a friend that may need to "get permission" first to hang out, etc.

Before moving to DC, I was in a situation where all of my friends were getting married (and are all now married), so I saw this distancing happen quite a bit. Since living in DC, only one of my friends has gotten married, and she is definitively much more distant from the group than before (even with the other ladies in our group of friends). Again, every situation is different, but this is my take. Also, although I asked if most of your friends are single, I should also ask if you have any couple friends, and are you still feeling the distance from them as well?

EDIT: I guess what I'm saying here is. From what I have found, trying to keep the "same as before" friendship with married friends has become quite difficult for me.

[Maggie May]

Icedtrip - I honestly don't have any married friends! I was the first one. My husband's friends are all paired off though, so we do stuff with them.

The hard thing is... I feel like I'm always the one sending out invites to do things, etc. I'm the one doing the emailing, the texting, etc. My husband and I can be pretty independent and we don't do the whole "need permission to go out" thing. But perhaps my friends just don't realize how desperate I am for their friendship??

[WizardTrip]

But perhaps my friends just don't realize how desperate I am for their friendship??

Honestly, they may not. Coming from a single guy, I look at my married friends and think that they are fine with or without me because they have their spouse, and more than likely don't have time for me. So yeah, I don't make as much effort, but I guess from this viewpoint, I could be very wrong on the way that my married friends are thinking. Again, maybe not all of them, but certainly some of them. You're now making me want to reach out to a couple of them now :-)

[morethanjustamom]

My hubby and I are pretty independent characters too...we're happy in a group, just us two, each of us by ourselves, us with the kids...

My husband is my best friend, and I have one close girlfriend. Beyond that I have several "couple friends", girls I like that I can hang out with when a bunch of couples get together, but I don't seek them out on my own, and loads of acquaintances.

Part of my problem is that I'm an odd duck as a woman. It's hard to find another woman who likes the following: reading, writing, gardening, cooking, knitting, sewing, running, weight lifting, fishing, hunting, camping, survival training, period films...so I end up having "friends" that like one or two of those things, but they think I'm odd/weird/just don't get the rest. I guess I'm unique, but I'm ok with being a lone wolf, lol!

[Lightstorm]

I've always had friends that were into some of the same things as me, but not all. So I ended up a few years back having friends that I'd do specific things with. Like 2 friends I could go to the cinema with, a few others I'd go drinking with, one I could do to museum's/dinners with etc... I've only got one or two friends that I can literally call up any time and know they're up for whatever crazy idea is in my head - but they both live over 500 miles away now!

This is a question I've been pondering for a while, both in terms of meeting new guys & girls. When I left the UK a few years ago to work abroad, I had maybe 6 great friends I could do anything with, most were single or flitting in and out of random relationships. By the time I returned a year ago, 2 had moved away, and the other 4 were engaged (now married), and one has even started having kids. All of a sudden, as the single guy returning back, the whole social circle has disintegrated. Now if we go for drinks, it's a once in a few months occasion, and all the old haunts are now off, it's dinner and an early tube home (as most are saving to buy houses etc...).

For all my partying and wild antics, I actually spend most of my weekends by myself now. I haven't been to the cinema with someone other than myself in nearly a year now I'd say (except when I'm visiting friends/family back home), and rarely go out on Fri/Sat nights anymore like I used to.

I tell myself that I don't mind it really, but damn, sometimes you can be in the busiest city in the world, and be totally bored. As I travel every week for work I haven't figured out a way of fixing this yet, but when I stop the endless travel in the next 2-3 months I'll definitely be spending a lot more time on social circle building!

[Julie2385]

I know exactly what you mean! From hopping on the "healthy" boat about 4 years ago, to then getting married (3 years ago) to then having my first baby (almost 2 years ago) my group of friends has most definitely changed. I still "keep in touch" with a lot of old friends, but to be honest, our lives have just gone in such different directions. I have also made many new and "healthy" relationships in that time. Another thing is that my family and I have also gotten much closer. Once I started getting healthy, and doing fun active activities such as running 5ks, 10ks, they all wanted to join in on the fun. I've also met many new couples and parents that now have become friends. All in all, I think things just change as we change. As long as your still making an effort to get out there and be with friends, it will all work out.

[Blaizen]

Part of my problem is that I'm an odd duck as a woman. It's hard to find another woman who likes the following: reading, writing, gardening, cooking, knitting, sewing, running, weight lifting, fishing, hunting, camping, survival training, period films...so I end up having "friends" that like one or two of those things, but they think I'm odd/weird/just don't get the rest. I guess I'm unique, but I'm ok with being a lone wolf, lol!

You should come to New Zealand, I've known quite a few like that in my time. Provided you don't mind the boon docs of course....

I can so relate to the lone wolf thing though, I've shifted so many times in the last 5 years that friends are a concept I'm not sure I can wrap my head around anymore. And apart from people on this site, I don't really meet people that can list interests as diverse as quantum physics and close quater combatives in the same sentence.

[morethanjustamom]

You should come to New Zealand, I've known quite a few like that in my time. Provided you don't mind the boon docs of course....

I can so relate to the lone wolf thing though, I've shifted so many times in the last 5 years that friends are a concept I'm not sure I can wrap my head around anymore. And apart from people on this site, I don't really meet people that can list interests as diverse as quantum physics and close quater combatives in the same sentence.

My husband has been telling me for years that if he wouldn't have to leave his precious hunting weapons behind, he would move us all to New Zealand tomorrow! No, I don't mind the boon docks...that's where I live here in the States.

I've decided I was born in the wrong era...maybe turn of the century (1900s) would have been more to my liking.