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Oh definitely not hahaha.

3/19 I am back on nerd fitness wooo I had packed up my clothes for the gym so there was no excuses. Wore the right shoes everything. Work was meh. The people are meh. But honestly they don't respect me or give me what I need so I am not going to let that bother me. I'll be the good little employee but trust and commitment goes both ways. Just because they pay me (nowhere enough but they pay) doesn't mean they own me. Gym was good but short. I did a light 1RM test. Not the ideal, I had though about postponing it a bit. But I decided against it. I did increase both maxes or see at least some improvement. So that gives me numbers to build off of for the next cycle. I am going to keep the same program for 12 weeks. Numbers - Deadlift new 1RM 295 - This was completed weeks ago. Im sure I posted more about it there. But I am happy with this and know I could have broken 300 if I was more diligent in my approach. Back squat - 145lbs - I definitely could have gone heavier. Probably much heavier. But when I set up for this squat I felt my hamstring strain. I probably should have stopped and not even done the lift but I knew it was within range. This is heavier than before so progress. Strict Press - 115lbs - This definitely didn't feel strong. I'm certain I could have done more without the break. But its a good starting point for this new cycle and I will accept the numbers and move forward. I have stocked the fridge with good food. I also made chili based on a recipe I met online. She is pretty incredible if I am being honest. Lots of feelings there hahah. But thats something for another day I think.

Yes I am happy to be finally moving towards my goal instead of slowly veering to the side. I am also happy that I took the time I needed to deal with it and was also honest with myself about it instead of letting it completely derail me. 5lbs in almost 2 months is not stellar weight loss, but its still going in the right direction with barely trying. So that makes me very happy! Appreciate you! Thank you and I may just check that out!

Hey everyone, the past, oh I don't know 2 months or so have been pretty rough. I fell off my medication which started a spiral and well. No use dwelling on the past! I'm back and feeling 100x better. Still not perfect but I am in a much better place. I have clothes in the car to get back at the gym. I never tested my 1RM for backsquat and strict press. I am tempted to work up to those today if I feel good. Knowing it wont be a true 1RM, but its only been 1 cycle of training anyways. But we will see how I feel. I have stocked the fridge and am ready to get that back on track. I am under 290lbs now, which officially means I am over 100lbs down, close to 110lbs! I feel much better and have learned a lot about myself. I started a new game, its mostly social interaction. I have met some amazing folks on there but I need to cut back on the time on that as well. I do a lot of just sitting on it and should be doing other things. I am slowly getting back into art again. Things are going in the right direction!

Thanks everyone for checking up on me! Will make a post in a bit about everything going on.

Thank you.

2/1 Weight is pretty dang close to the weight loss goal I set semi arbitrarily. So thats cool! Didn't end up doing my 1RM test on strict press or backsquat last week. Haven't been to the gym yet this week either. So the goal is to throw stuff in the car for tomorrow and do them both then. Spanish is really on the backburner right now.

So I was recently inspired to right a short short story. I used to write stuff like this here back in the day. So I figured I'd post version 1 (the roughest of drafts) here. Im no writer but I do enjoy it from time to time. Story in spoilers to reduce size.

Yes you definitely have to check it out. Thank you so much for your words!

Yes I call Lucifer my guilty pleasure show. Especially early on. But there are just these incredible moments in the show. And Tom Ellis just nails it. It is good to have someone else vocalize that they feel / have felt the same. Mentioning supernatural there's a video I have queued in a playlist on repeat that ill post. But two of the biggest lines that really struck home are. "Your problem, mate, is that nobody hates you more than you do." And "...the truth is. They don't need you. Not like you need them." My whole life I've been the one planning things. I've been the one trying to get people to connect. Other than obligatory gatherings like holidays and birthdays I can't REMEMBER the last time someone asked me to do something. The last time anyone went out of their way for me (other than my parents). That's a lie I guess. My high school best friends mom is a director and got me, her son, and another one of our friends tickets to a show that the theater was putting on. Wow 1 in recent memory! It's fucking exhausting. Then I post some stuff about mental health on Facebook because people are starting to notice. And here comes all these people out of the woodwork. Sending texts, messages, stupid inspirational copy paste images about how much I mean to people. The truth is these fucking piss me off. It's far too little too late. Because guess what, I know that if I hadn't posted, I would not have heard from these people at all. These messages come from guilt. Which they shouldn't have. They have fucking lives, people grow apart, that's how life is. The second line ends with "not like you need them" and that's what really hit me the most. When I do manage to get together with people I have fun sure. Despite the stress of organizing it all. But at the end of the day they leave, go spend time with their families, kids, significant others. And I am alone again. I think the two lines are actually quite connected. Everyone knows me and cares about me just enough to believe the lies. The mask I put on for the world. When in truth what I really need is someone who can see me without it on. Currently I don't feel like anyone will ever get that close. But I also remind myself that's my current mental state talking. mostly. Thank you for your kind words brother.

It really is. I've wanted to read the comics for awhile now but never gotten around to it. Just not sure how it will compare to the show for me. As Scaly said Netflix in the US!

No wonder I like this show, and this character so much.

Thanks yes I definitely am not eating enough. As far as mood it's my classic mental illness symptoms. I'm dealing with it. This too shall pass. Thank you for the gif!

I have been listening to When the Darkness Comes - by Jeris Johnson on repeat for the last few days. I've found that music really helps me when I'm in this weird mental space. Today has been a lot of reaching out to people telling them whats going on and trying to come up with a plan.

Yep, we live in the age of adapters or wireless connection....