Any progress is good progress

[congie]

Challenge thread posted and going.

 

This is a stream of conscious thing because I need to get this whirling circle of crap thoughts and feelings out of my head and heart today.  Maybe this will be cathartic and get me enough of a kick start in the right direction...

 

This week has been such a disappointment, things are overwhelming and I'm avoiding and just hiding in books (ugh, super sweet hubby got me a new kindle for my bday and now it's back to being a crutch), not doing my am routines or devos, but am telling the people around me that it's going great.  Well, it's not.  The crap thoughts of "I'm not good enough" and "I can't do anything right" are back in full force complete with anxiety and massive amounts of fear.  It's stress related to me always putting things off and now having to deal with everything being behind.  Nothing like trying to get taxes done for the business and us, being short staffed, trying to clean and declutter a house that we've been in for 12 years so random people can walk through and judge, and holy crud I don't want to move in with family if we can't find a place with the right timing to go straight from here.  Plus worrying if hubby's tiredness is because the cancer is back (and we have to wait until SEPTEMBER to find out) and basically using all my willpower to start any project much less focus on working out and eating right.  Which makes me feel like a failure, again. And I can't let anyone know how far behind I am because they are all relying on me, and would be disappointed...which makes me feel bad and sends me right back to avoiding.

 

This is happens over and over.  When life hits the fan, my coping skills drive me to the things that are going to hurt the situation, not help.  And that's SO dumb, I'm 44 and know better.  I know where this path is going to lead and it's not fun.  So to borrow a phrase from someone else, "suck it up buttercup".  I can't change the past 3 days or the months of avoiding taxes, it's too late to control if the taxes get done on time (and wow, my CPA is going to yell at me for not getting them in earlier and that will be so not fun), I can't control the cancer.  But I CAN control the next hour, or the next 15 minutes.  So I'm going to - because now maybe all the negativity will stay in cyberspace instead of in my head.  And for the rest of today, everytime I want to go bury my head and avoid the suckiness of my current situation instead I'll go do something positive.  

[SevenofSeven]

Sorry to see things have been hard for you lately.

 

Just remember to breathe! Is it possible to take the smallest thing you need to do and finish the task. Put the dishes in the dishwasher. Breathe. Then what next? A box of crap out to the good will. Breathe. Start organising taxes. Breathe. 

 

Small steps and 1 thing at a time.

 

thinking of you at this time and a big virtual hug. 

[congie]

Thank you so much Seven.  You sound like you know all about small steps and have been there, which is encouraging!  Getting all of that out definitely helped me focus a little more and although the day wasn't perfect it did get better.  That week of the challenge fell apart, but that's OK because this is a different week.  And our house sold!!  So no more people walking through and having to keep things perfectly clean.  Even better, no more nagging the kids to keep things perfect because they are teens and that's just not fun for any of us.

[congie]

So the last few months have been crazy, but life goes on and I won't whine.  I joined the Academy with the new price jump (like a bunch of other people) and it's kicked started me in a good direction.  Our son's graduation events are almost done, we are moved in with family until the new house is ready and I'm coming out of a mental fog that's kicked my butt - so that's all good.  I'm on level 2 and am back to building routines that will help even while everything is chaos and we are living out of suitcases.  Because waiting doesn't really do any good.  And WOW I love the Nerd Fitness Women's Academy fb group, they are the nicest bunch of ladies and it's so great to have a plan to follow that will grow with me.

[congie]

Still at Level 2 for diet - having trouble counting calories when things are homemade.  Like how do I know how many calories are in my serving of pork chops and cream gravy? Yes, that's not the best food anyway but while we are staying with my family I'm not being all like "oh - your amazing, made from scratch food isn't good enough for me".  So instead I'm focusing on beating sugar cravings which is taking all the will power anyway.

 

But - I LOVE getting up and walking/working out in the morning! Who knew?!?!?  I hate mornings in general.  But after I get out the door and the sun is coming up and the headphones are on, it's great.  And seems to be a key piece for setting my day up for success instead of being in a funk all day.  The other day I actually (GASP) skipped a day, and it was the worst day ever.  Like I just gave in to the thought that this day is going to suck and I'm just going to stay in bed.  So I did.  The whole day trickled down from that decision.  Now I need to start making myself go to bed earlier, because recovering at 44 is not easy and I really, really want to climb some mountains sometime.

[congie]

I did STAIRS this morning! Walked to a close school, did 3 laps of 2 interval sprints and 2 sets of bleacher stairs each lap. 

[congie]

Went walking/running in the rain this morning, that's a first for me.  Normally if a friend isn't going with me and it rains I just stay home. Took another set of measurements yesterday and I've lost a full percentage of body fat over the past 6 weeks.  That is crazy good for me and where we are staying right now.  But today at 5pm we get keys to our new home, so once everything is moved over I'll be able to control my environment better.

 

Been using pandora's alternative endurance training radio during cardio and it gets my feet moving 

[congie]

This morning was beautiful, I was able to run a full 5 blocks before pooping out and that's a big yea for me.  I have to figure out what to do with sore knees though, it's not worth hurting all day if there are alternatives to running that still get me outside. That's what stopped me from running for so many years even when I was in shape and I don't want to stop with the bodyweight workouts because I'm hurting from cardio.

 

[congie]

Exercise (any, even 5 minutes) seems to be key to managing my emotional and mental health.  Even when I'm having a super foggy or down day and can't get moving if I start out with my AM routine it's like a reset.  Awesome.

[congie]

Win!  Moved a 74" x 30" solid wood counter top by myself!  We are moved and I couldn't find a desk the right size for my office so IKEA and I made one   I was going to wait for my hubby, but used 20 seconds of courage just to try moving it from the floor to putting it on the drawer units and then adjusting the placing.  And I DID IT!

[congie]

Kayaking is SO much fun!  It was just the 4 of us and it was crazy fun to see all the birds and jumping fish and ride out the waves from all the boats.  Such a beautiful day and memory.  Nice way to send our son off to school.

 

It's time for me to put some omph back into workouts, had a 6 week really good run, but those daily workouts just haven't happened for about 2 weeks.  It's not the end of the world, I just have to figure out how to do it now that we are in a new home.  And to whine - there aren't the nice sidewalks, my knees hurt when I run, I hate just walking, blah blah blah...OK, that's all out and now it's time to move on.  I went out this am, ate a breakfast with protein and can finish strong until Friday when we take our son to college.  That should be interesting....how do I eat healthy on a 2 day there, 3 day back road trip?!?!?  Guess I need to look at some of the nutrition forum entries.