LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Kath]

Thank you everyone! & ooooh, I forgot about "spouse" JMitch, totally slipped my mind. That's a great one.

 

Patella, regarding the question "How do you know if you aren't the gender you were assigned at birth?"

 

I think the first clue would be questioning in the first place. (To my knowledge, cis people don't really question their gender identity - although it can happen if they are more knowledgeable of the subject. Personally I think as a matter of getting to know yourself better you should always question your identity - at least somewhat - to discover your authentic self.) This isn't something someone else can really answer for you, but I would suggest taking the time to think about. If your gender identity fluctuates, that's okay. If you discover your gender isn't what you thought it was, that is okay too. 

 

I fluctuate between agender and female. Personally, I am alright with being perceived as a woman. I love women, I enjoy femininity - even if I have moments where I feel like I am more "other" than not. Because of my comfort with my assigned sex, it's not something I typically talk to people about - but I'm just bringing it up to show there is some grey/fluid area when it comes to gender. 

 

However, you should ask yourself what makes you happiest/most comfortable. I would just say think on it, see what feels right in your gut. (& right can change! & you are allowed to change - people grow and change all the time.) 

[Madam_Patella]

Thank you JMitch and Kath, for your replies. I definitely need to give myself time to get to know myself without trying to force any particular identity.

 

I think my post earlier was at least partly driven by my being overwhelmed recently. Whoever said weddings were only joyous occasions lied. They're more like a truffle with the joyful bit being inaccessible without first going through the rushed, stressful outer shell.

 

Haha, and don't worry I won't grab the mike at dinner and start belting out a coming out song. I think it groups together with the unspoken rule of don't come out during the holidays. 

[Phytomancer]

As a kid, I wondered time to time what being a girl is like. However, I never thought of myself as a girl. I think being a girl is awesome, and girls are powerful beings who I should love, respect, and fear, but it was clear to me that I was a man, though. I never have a moment where I don't like being one (except maybe when I was tired of chasing after girls...) I hope this perspective is somewhat helpful.

 

Also, I need some help so I could be an ally IRL.

 

A buddy of mine came to consul with me. He told me he wasn't sure about his sexuality... We are in our late 20s, and he was the sweetest guy I've ever met. He thought he might be bi, but he wasn't sure.

 

There is nothing wrong with being bi. What  I want some perspective is that-- how could I help him come to understand his sexuality? He's my friend, and he seemed lost and a little hurt, and I don't know how to support him well enough.

 

Do you have any advice on this?

[Korra]

A buddy of mine came to consul with me. He told me he wasn't sure about his sexuality... We are in our late 20s, and he was the sweetest guy I've ever met. He thought he might be bi, but he wasn't sure.

 

There is nothing wrong with being bi. What  I want some perspective is that-- how could I help him come to understand his sexuality? He's my friend, and he seemed lost and a little hurt, and I don't know how to support him well enough.

 

Do you have any advice on this?

 

I remember being on a high for the first day or two after I figured out that I wasn't exclusively attracted to men, because finally my life made sense to me. Then I realized that I was going to have to tell my friends, and freaked right out. Not because I thought they would reject me or anything, but because of my perception of myself: was I friends with people I was attracted to? Would they feel like I'd become their friend under false pretenses? 

 

And it hurt me to think that maybe the reason I was friends with my friends was because I somehow wanted something more from them. I went from being a very affectionate and cuddly person to someone who didn't touch anyone, ever. One of my best friends let me go through all of this with her: I would complain about this girl that I liked and how unfair it was that I had to like girls (I think this was more of a defense mechanism? Like, if I didn't like the fact that I wasn't straight, then none of my friends would feel uncomfortable... right?). In retrospect, this was not the best approach, both because it's not true-I like who I am and who I'm attracted to-and also because if I didn't like it, how would she? But she just stuck with me while I processed all of these things, and in the end we became better friends than ever. 

 

I can't say that this is what your friend is going through, or if it's even similar, but hearing someone else's story might help you figure out how to be there for him. Really, just continue being his friend and affirming him as a whole person. The best thing for me was when I came out to my roommate. I was really worried about it, so I sat down and said, "Hey, I have something to tell you: I'm pretty sure I'm not straight." And she looked puzzled and said, "I thought we already knew that?" For her, it was just another part of who I am, not even the most important part, and I loved that. I'm more than just a label of bi or pan or queer or whatever, and so is he. 

[ColoQ]

A buddy of mine came to consul with me. He told me he wasn't sure about his sexuality... We are in our late 20s, and he was the sweetest guy I've ever met. He thought he might be bi, but he wasn't sure.

 

There is nothing wrong with being bi. What  I want some perspective is that-- how could I help him come to understand his sexuality? He's my friend, and he seemed lost and a little hurt, and I don't know how to support him well enough.

 

Do you have any advice on this?

 

Tell your friend that you will be friends with them no matter what. That who he is attracted to, or what gender he is attracted do does not matter. Then actually live that statement. If he starts dating or hooking up with a gender, don't ask him if he is sure he wants to date that gender. Clue: He probably isn't! - I wasn't sure about anything early on! Just ask him how he is feeling on dating that person, and he may tell you. 

Korra made a very good point, though sometimes young Bi / Pansexual people can get hung up on the question "am I friends with this person for the purpose of friendship, or for naughty times, or for romance?"  It gets weird, because you can be physically and romantically attracted to all genders. But they aren't all necessarily open to sexy times and romance. I.e.  I was attracted to several of my straight male friends in high school. What helped me, was to create a mental list I call the no-touch list. I still use it to this day. Anyone whose name goes on the list is not someone I allow myself to look at in a sexy or Romantic fashion.   Straight Guys as well as Gay ladies go on the list - they are wholly not interested in me / my junk. Straight ladies, Gay men, and Bi / Pan friends whose friendship I hold dear enough to not want to complicate with sexy times or Romance go on the list.

 

Sometimes it helps friends / people to know that they are on the list too. They can be more comfortable with friendly intimacy once they know they are on the list. I literally tell them "you are on the no-touch list, we're too close of friends." Situations that can be vague suddenly become clear...  an invitation to dinner worded "hey I've been missing you, lets go out to dinner soon and hang out more." no longer has he inherent question of "is this a date." 

[Phytomancer]

Thanks for the advice, Korra, ColoQ. I already told him that I'd still be his friend, and I joked that a lot of guys who have already been attracted to him will be glad to hear the news. He punched me in the arm for that.

 

As for the attraction part, he already said that I'm not his type, so no problems there. 

[Jett]

Phyto, it's great that he trusts you enough that he can talk to you about it, and that you are not treating him any different because of what he told you. Honestly, that's all you really need to do. Listen to him and accept him for whoever he decides to be. That's more than enough right there.

 

Well, that and, whatever you do, don't break that trust. Don't tell anyone about it without his permission first. (Anonymous mentions on the internet like this should be fine, though.)

[ColoQ]

Well, that and, whatever you do, don't break that trust. Don't tell anyone about it without his permission first. (Anonymous mentions on the internet like this should be fine, though.)

 

SO MUCH THIS!

I've had friends out me to brand new social groups and people without thinking too much of it: because I'm so open with them. It never occurred to them, that I may not be as open in other situations. Or that while *my friend* trusted someone... I may not yet.

[Latsu Swagneel]

I am a bisexual young man with some pansexualistic tendencies living in NYC. I was actually rather pleasantly surprised with the way that my ultra conservative religious Jewish parents and siblings took my coming out to them. My mother, for years, kept asking me if I was gay, to which I would I would say, truthfully might I add, they I was not. When I came out, the conversation went:

"Do you like women?"

"...yes"

"Do you like men?"

"...yes"

And that was the end of the conversation.

I guess the best thing to come out because if my coming out is that they aren't hounding me to get married anymore...

Korra made a very good point, though sometimes young Bi / Pansexual people can get hung up on the question "am I friends with this person for the purpose of friendship, or for naughty times, or for romance?" It gets weird, because you can be physically and romantically attracted to all genders. But they aren't all necessarily open to sexy times and romance. I.e. I was attracted to several of my straight male friends in high school. What helped me, was to create a mental list I call the no-touch list. I still use it to this day. Anyone whose name goes on the list is not someone I allow myself to look at in a sexy or Romantic fashion. Straight Guys as well as Gay ladies go on the list - they are wholly not interested in me / my junk. Straight ladies, Gay men, and Bi / Pan friends whose friendship I hold dear enough to not want to complicate with sexy times or Romance go on the list.

Sometimes it helps friends / people to know that they are on the list too. They can be more comfortable with friendly intimacy once they know they are on the list. I literally tell them "you are on the no-touch list, we're too close of friends." Situations that can be vague suddenly become clear... an invitation to dinner worded "hey I've been missing you, lets go out to dinner soon and hang out more." no longer has he inherent question of "is this a date."

I actually do something similar with the "No-touch list" as you call it. However, I do sometimes crush on straight guys and some lesbian women, but I value their friendship so I usually tell them that they are on that list especially with the fact that I'm crushing on them...

Sent front phone. Any mistakes are its fault.

[FortuneDays]

a

[Artinum]

Is there an "other" option where you can write your own? Lords, professors and knights would all struggle with that form.

[Twilight]

I like Mx.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

That's awesome.

[Jett]

Oh jeez that makes my OCD kinda crazy. I would have to walk only on specific colors.

 

Cool idea, though. :3

[Bekah]

Oh jeez that makes my OCD kinda crazy. I would have to walk only on specific colors.

Cool idea, though. :3

lol me too, but it looks like each stripe may be wide enough for that!

[Frost of the Gloaming]

that is the wrong color purple (violet)

[Frost of the Gloaming]

it's not my fault that they used the wrong end of the spectrum, that color of purple is on the other side of blue towards red which is the opposite of Violet

[SevenofSeven]

I just watched this.......I thought it was a really good and great perspective.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Teri_7Oc8T0

[Twilight]

The rainbow crosswalks are still there. I love them.

 

Thought y'all might find this interesting/helpful/informative: http://noisey.vice.com/ja/blog/laura-jane-grace-on-the-problem-with-pronouns

[Madam_Patella]

oh joy. I've reached a point in my gender-questioning path that has brought me somewhere between 'Oh (insert appeal to a random deity), this might be me, what the @#$% am I going to do!?!' and 'Dogs-and-cats-living-together' levels of hysteria/panic/anxiety. 

[Jett]

oh joy. I've reached a point in my gender-questioning path that has brought me somewhere between '(insert appeal to a random deity), this might be me, what the @#$% am I going to do!?!' and 'Dogs-and-cats-living-together' levels of hysteria/panic/anxiety. 

Hey, hey. Deep breaths. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. On the other hand, you can do as much or as little as you like. But you don't have to do any of it right away. Just keep figuring out what makes the most sense, and then you can go from there. It's no reason to panic!

[Latsu Swagneel]

Hey, hey. Deep breaths. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. On the other hand, you can do as much or as little as you like. But you don't have to do any of it right away. Just keep figuring out what makes the most sense, and then you can go from there. It's no reason to panic!

This. Very much this.

Sent front phone. Any mistakes are its fault.

[Madam_Patella]

You're right, this shouldn't be something to panic over. I need to let this come to me instead of running around trying to make everything happen at once.

 

Right now it kind of feels like when you find a lost piece to the puzzle you've been working on, and when you put it in, it completely changes the way one section fits with another (making you realize there's probably more pieces missing) and you also realize that the puzzle piece might not actually belong with this puzzle at all.        ......You know, if that makes any sense whatsoever. 

 

 

[Jett]

Right now it kind of feels like when you find a lost piece to the puzzle you've been working on, and when you put it in, it completely changes the way one section fits with another (making you realize there's probably more pieces missing) and you also realize that the puzzle piece might not actually belong with this puzzle at all.        ......You know, if that makes any sense whatsoever. 

I know exactly what you mean!

[SjardisDead]

Did you people know that there is a "Coming Out Sim" it's about a japanese boy who is or is not coming out to his parents because it's multiple choice it is up to you. I don't want to spoil too much so just play it.

 

http://ncase.itch.io/coming-out-simulator-2014 by Nicky Case