LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Hit]

thanks for the kind words everyone it means a lot. 

 

 

I'm agender, so even using "bisexual" in the sense of "attracted to those who are the same and to those who are different from myself" is kind if silly, since gender can be so individual. 

 

People are so attractive, unf.

 

this is why i use pansexual. attractive people are attractive, regardless of their gender identity or genitalia. also the "one and other genders" never sat right as a definition for me.

 

 

 

In my own experience, parents don't change when their kids respect their wishes to not talk about being gay. Parents change when they aren't permitted to avoid the subject. Obviously your new girl needs to do what she feels is best, but just my thoughts on the subject.

 

i agree with this entirely, and i really hope (i call her my crow, she calls me her lion) my crow does keep talking about me and us. i think her relationship with her mum was a very close one, which is why this has been such a blow. but hopefully that means they can push past the latent homophobia quickly.

 

and then start work on the trans issue

[Brekketechie]

thanks for the kind words everyone it means a lot. 

 

 

this is why i use pansexual. attractive people are attractive, regardless of their gender identity or genitalia. also the "one and other genders" never sat right as a definition for me.

 

 

i agree with this entirely, and i really hope (i call her my crow, she calls me her lion) my crow does keep talking about me and us. i think her relationship with her mum was a very close one, which is why this has been such a blow. but hopefully that means they can push past the latent homophobia quickly.

 

and then start work on the trans issue

 

 

More love and support. My parents pretend like my queerness isn't a thing because I still talk about boys (they cringe when I talk about girls). It's bumpy road, but when you have a wonderful partner to support you it so, so worth it.

[Twilight]

this is why i use pansexual. attractive people are attractive, regardless of their gender identity or genitalia. also the "one and other genders" never sat right as a definition for me.

 

I don't use pansexual because I've understood it to mean "gender-blind" and that gender doesn't matter when a person is looking for a partner. Sometimes I'll be very specifically in the mood for one type of person or another, and I'm not attracted to all genders equally. I kind of like polysexual, but that gets confusing with polyamory also in the mix.

 

Labels! Woo!

 

[ColoQ]

this is why i use pansexual. attractive people are attractive, regardless of their gender identity or genitalia. also the "one and other genders" never sat right as a definition for me.

I still identify as Bi because when I'm involved with a person with "masculine" energy - whatever the state of their genitals and identity,  I tend to elicit a more "feminine" energy.  And vice versa for when I'm involved with a person who is of a more "feminine" energy. Though my preference is more in line with the "I don't care about the state of their genitals or identity" feel of pansexual.

 

 *shrug*  Thats why whenever I meet someone new and find out their identity my first question is almost exactly "What does that mean to you?" 

Your crow sounds wonderful, I hope she keeps flying with you. 

[kaelvan]

I notice with other lesbians, even their label isn't so set in stone or is bit different in definition.

[shaeon]

I notice with other lesbians, even their label isn't so set in stone or is bit different in definition.

 

Indeed. There are lesbians who get frustrated when men say "I want to have a threesome with you!" because to them lesbian = not interested in men (add in tons of frustration over being the subject of quite a lot of porn aimed at straight dudes). But then there are women who identify lesbian and will occasionally sleep with men, and I've also met people who identify as straight and will occasionally sleep with the same sex (I should note that the overly aggressive straight dudes are not the fault of lesbians who sleep with guys. In most situations, it's pretty damn rude to proposition someone you just met, just because of her sexual identity. Buy a girl a drink first, for chrissake).

I've always assumed that this means that lots of people dislike labeling themselves as bi, and I've certainly met a lot of people who do not want to call themselves bi. I think people should label themselves however they feel they need to, but I also think it's too bad that there's this big stigma against bisexuals. 

[ColoQ]

Doesn't help that I've admitted to being Bi in a Gay bar and been sneered at and dismissed all night.   "You like fish... eww."  is never a fun thing to hear.

[Thrillho]

Huh, they're talking about the social acceptability of bi-ness on the Ellis Show right now. (Don't worry... they're pro-bi.)

[Artinum]

Pro-bi? Isn't that a kind of yogurt?

[Bekah]

Ive realized that even in this thread, The labels I give myself change, based on my mood, because like Twilight, who I am attracted to that day fluctuates, sometimes its boys, sometimes its girls, sometimes its transpeople, sometimes its more than one of those at a time...but it fluctuates daily almost, but I am never "not" attracted to any particular group, so I feel like bi or pansexual are both accurate to some degree, but since it varies...I tend to use pansexual since it seems more of a catchall label, since gender is irrelevant in my initital attraction to a person in terms of non attraction based on a specific gender identity....but for most folks, saying I'm bi is more than enough information.

I am quite certain if I ever have a serious relationship with someone besides J, my parents will have a fucking conniption, but I am fully ok with going without speaking to them for as long as necessary for them to get over themselves.

" I like you, do you like me? and no I dont care what my family thinks, or yours most likely so if you can deal with that, I can too "

[Hit]

 

 

Doesn't help that I've admitted to being Bi in a Gay bar and been sneered at and dismissed all night.   "You like fish... eww."  is never a fun thing to hear.

 

oh man if we started talking about the abusive shit we hear in gay bars we'll never stop :| 

[Bekah]

Doesn't help that I've admitted to being Bi in a Gay bar and been sneered at and dismissed all night.   "You like fish... eww."  is never a fun thing to hear.

 

 

oh man if we started talking about the abusive shit we hear in gay bars we'll never stop :| 

 

these make me sad  

Hitlion...I am sorry to hear about your relationship problems with her family...I hope they come around sooner rather than later *hugs* 

[kaelvan]

oh man if we started talking about the abusive shit we hear in gay bars we'll never stop :| 

Makes me sad to think about that...maybe someday alphabet community one day with be more accepting

[shaeon]

Doesn't help that I've admitted to being Bi in a Gay bar and been sneered at and dismissed all night.   "You like fish... eww."  is never a fun thing to hear.

 

Not to minimize the impact of this kind of thing, but doesn't this seem like an incredibly tired and obvious joke? I've noticed that the catty gays who think it's funny to give everyone harassment tend to tell the same jokes over and over again, and think that these tired, repeated jokes are hilarious. These guys are usually pretty dumb. Or else they are drunks (you know, because: bar).

I'm trying to think of the version of this person in a non-gay bar, and what I keep coming up with is the resident alcoholics: people, both male and female, who hit on everyone inappropriately and call everyone "bitch". 

[Twilight]

I'm trying to think of the version of this person in a non-gay bar, and what I keep coming up with is the resident alcoholics: people, both male and female, who hit on everyone inappropriately and call everyone "bitch". 

 

Drunk guys who hit on women sound just the same when they're turned down. "Never mind, you're ugly anyway!" It's all the same behaviour.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

After people watching in various bars/places I can say that Twilight is100% correct; it's funny to me when Mr. Machismo who is drunk off his ass hits on and is turned down by everyone goes and cries into his beer

[shaeon]

Well that's kind of the thing about bars. Bars aren't loving, accepting places for most people. 

[Hit]

#notallbars

 

but yeh its not so much that bars arent accepting places, just that they're not safe spaces. so you can't guarantee someone wont start shit with you in a bar. the flavour of that shit depends on the style of bar: gay men bar "ewww you like fish", stevedore bar "limey limp wrist bastard", country club "nice backswing, [racist epithet]".

[kaelvan]

I don't go to bars so I have no clue on what they are like. I'm the person with the one drink in my hand for the night.

[CuriousMon]

Just out of curiosity, what are gay (not lesbian) bars like?  How do they differ from gay clubs?

[Hit]

Couldn't really tell you, i dont know of any gay male only bars in Perth. My ex went to a all gay male bar in melbourne though and said there were rooms for random hook up sex upstairs. so maybe they're like that?

[ColoQ]

The feel depends on the owners / managers and what they care about.  There is one here in Vegas that has a backdoor to a very secluded alley: they keep it open and whatever happens in the alleyway is your business.  Another one will break up make-out sessions if they get hot and heavy, they want it to be just a bar where everyone is welcome. Another has a dance floor, and the difference between it and a dance club is minimal. Like all bars /spaces, they attract a certain kind of crowd.

 

A cowboy bar will be vastly different from a hipster jerkbag bar. Some of the more "been around forever" bars tend to have an older crowd. You get the idea. 

[Phytomancer]

I went to gay bars to be with my friends in a few occasions. All the hitting on that happened was polite and gentle-- like gentlemanly offering me drinks, asking if I was looking for company. When I smiled and told them I came with friends they got it-- I can't complain. That's much better than what drunk straight men do to women in the bars sometimes. 

 

It was the woman who clawed my chest while kissing her bf in the gay bar that I found very confusing. Not that there were anything wrong with it.  

[kaelvan]

This is why I shouldn't read alphabet soup blogs. This...

And this...I laughed at for a bit. I need serious help and pony...sorry

[shaeon]

#notallbars

 

but yeh its not so much that bars arent accepting places, just that they're not safe spaces. so you can't guarantee someone wont start shit with you in a bar. the flavour of that shit depends on the style of bar: gay men bar "ewww you like fish", stevedore bar "limey limp wrist bastard", country club "nice backswing, [racist epithet]".

 

I differentiate between gay men being all "ewwww" and more aggressive attacks like "limp wristed" and racist slurs; the second two seem aimed to provoke a fight. Maybe I feel like that because some gay men act all "ewwwww" with lesbians too. Maybe because I don't see them as really empowered to do harm - but then, they aren't empowered to do ME harm, because why does a lesbian care whether gay men think she's gross? I also wonder what you mean by safe here - do you feel like you are in danger in gay bars? Because I've also never been a bar fly, but I've never seen a physical fight break out in a gay bar and my perception of that crowd is that it's not known for violence. 

And I guess I tend to compare it with hetero bars, which I'm also not frequently in, but nonetheless I have seen fights break out and I have seen things like bartenders or security guards hired by the bar sexually harassing girls; this is not to mention the general predatory nature of any bar where young heteros go to find a hook up. 

 

I guess that compared with that, I just don't see the catty gays as a threat. But then again, my experience is specific to my own orientation. Do any of you find gay bars threatening, as in physically dangerous? Not asking to be defensive. I'm just genuinely curious about what the experience is like for others.