Body image and other social issues for men

[KillerGriller]

The thing I always found so frustrating as an Ecto was; You'd work to build yourself and you get limited gains, and if you let you foot off the accelerator for one second you'd be back to square one. Now, I know everyone loses faster than they gain, but it genuinely seems like us "svelte gentlemen" lose more simply because it's harder to gain in the first place.

On the short/big vs. tall/skinny front: Yes, I have heard many complaints from/about people being short, and it's got to be frustrating because you simply can't do anything about it. I get it. Neither one (short vs. skinny) is "better" it's simply different, both have their stigmas vs. the "Big & Strong" guys so let's band together and make fun of the norms! (Kidding). As said previously said, the default male stereotype is being big & strong to be able to provide for your family. It sucks and it's false, but that's what's out there.

[Flex Luthor]

@illuminatus That's because, strangely, body image issues have nothing to do with how you look. It's much more to do with what people told you growing up, what impacted you in the media, how your brain works, things like that. That's why we have someone on here that's 5'10" and thinks they're short and you're 5'5" and are fine with it. Also why no body image issue is ever wrong.

[WizardTrip]

Hopping in late on this conversation, but I'll add my thoughts.

First, the handshake. I try to keep a firm handshake, but not crushing. So, wildross, when I met you a month or 2 back, hope I didn't come across as a hand shake grip crusher

Now, on to my body image issues.

I started my weight loss primarily because of several of the women I am friends with and the types of guys they are all attracted to (metro, shaved chest/arms, typical bros, etc). Now, I personally wouldn't want to look exactly like them, but it did give me the desire to have a more toned (less squishy) body. I do want to see my abs at some point, but they don't need to be super defined. I'm OK with a little padding on top. Now, since I started lifting and getting stronger, my desire has changed to lift heavy and build up solid strength while still aiming to look good naked (not quite there yet). At 6'3, I started losing weight when I reached ~260. I'm now down to a guesstimated 225. I want to drop to ~200-210 and build back up to 225. This will put my body where I want it physically. A Tom Hardy / Daniel Craig look would do just fine!

There was talk about body hair, and although my chest isn't approaching wookie status, it is enough that I feel the need to keep it trimmed. I'll never shave/wax it, but keeping it trimmed up makes me feel better about the way I look. My back is a bit different. I've never had back hair like I'm wearing a fur coat, and it has only ever been noticeable up close, but since up close is the only way I'm ever looking at myself, I felt the need to get rid of it. So, for my back, I have no problem admitting to getting that thing waxed 2-3 times a year. Again, makes me look better in the mirror, and therefore, makes me feel better. Manscaping = yes (no further details needed).

Sadly, I really can't grow much facial hair, and this is another body image thing to me. Just once, I would like to have a five o'clock shadow....just once, but I know it will never happen.

Lastly, I've got the wonderful receding hairline. I'm not a fan of it, but I have come to accept it. The fact that women drool over Jason Stathom has helped in this area

[UltimoJefe]

What's funny is (not in a haha clown kind of way), you want to grow facial hair/5 o'clock shadow, etc. Me, I shave and have a shadow by 5 o'clock. I hate it. I use a nice safety razor because even the very best cartridge razor still stinks (my facial hair is iron strong). I have a straight razor but it is very... very time consuming to use. It really is one of those grass is always greener on the other side things. Now if only we could all come to the conclusion that it isn't

[Avistew]

I have to say, I totally get the skinny guy thing. I have brothers, I was the only girl, I was the average-to-overweight one, and they were the skinny ones. While I got most of the negative comments (even at times my weight was perfectly fine), there were some for my brothers too (or rather for my parents about my brothers. "You got to feed this kid!!!"). And of course I don't know what kind of comments they faced when I wasn't around.

I remember how weird it was for me that one of my brothers was so thin, his arms were barely more than the width of his bones, making his forearms double the size of his arms, because there were more bones in them. You always see movie stars with larger arms than forearms, so it was startling to me. Most people didn't see that because he wore long sleeves, but I lived with him and sometimes it scared me a bit. Not in a "OMG, monster, run away!" kind of way, but in a "I hope he's not going to fall apart and die" kind of way.

One of my other brothers got into a lot of sports, and became more muscular, but he always stayed lean. And when I see the Brad Pitt picture with people saying "LOL skinny", I can't help but think "but that's what my brother looked like AFTER years of working out".

There is a huge range of natural body type. There is a small section that's socially "manly", and not everyone can get to that point. And I think people on one side of the equation will envy people on the other side of the equation. Skinny vs fat. The skinny person thinks "at least the fat one looks powerful/imposing". The fat person thinks "at least the skinny person doesn't stand out in a crowd", or maybe "thin is the ideal, they're lucky". But in the end, it's still a struggle for both, and it sucks hearing people telling you you're lucky when you hate what you ended up with.

[realbrickwall]

What's funny is (not in a haha clown kind of way), you want to grow facial hair/5 o'clock shadow, etc. Me, I shave and have a shadow by 5 o'clock. I hate it. I use a nice safety razor because even the very best cartridge razor still stinks (my facial hair is iron strong). I have a straight razor but it is very... very time consuming to use. It really is one of those grass is always greener on the other side things. Now if only we could all come to the conclusion that it isn't

I can grow a decent beard, but I have pale, slow-growing hair, so I can get away with shaving like every other day. So, uh, there is a middle ground. I am guessing that doesn't make you feel better, though.

[azsf]

I hope you realize that I'm explaining all this to you because I want you to know that my intentions weren't bad, *not* because I want to argue with you. If I just said "sorry, I'll stop," and left it at that, it would imply that I actually did mean it in a backhanded way.

Thanks for taking the time to explaining your position thoroughly. I very much appreciate being able to have rational discourse on the internet from time to time

But in the end, it's still a struggle for both, and it sucks hearing people telling you you're lucky when you hate what you ended up with.

This is one of the reasons i react so strongly to people going about how being tall is awesome. I'm 6'7", i can usually say with certainty that i'm the tallest person in the room. But if there's another tall person about, you can be sure that someone is going to point them out to me and ask who is taller. Oh, and everyone has a brother, uncle, cousin, friend, or someone who is my height or taller... And then there's the handwaving of "it's just because your tall" whenever you get good at something. And now over to Stephen Merchant for other tall people problems:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9OhOEdoSA8

[Avistew]

Oh yeah. The problems with being tall can get quite dangerous, really. I've seen lots of times where signs were hung too low, or lamps, and my boyfriend would hit his head if he wasn't careful. Even visited an apartment in which he couldn't stand up straight because the ceiling was too low. Obviously, we didn't get it.

Then there is the beds that have that board at the bottom, which means the legs can't hang out, and it seems pretty impossible to get a comfortable position.

As the girlfriend of a tall guy, for me the advantage is that I don't lose him. No matter where I am, I can turn around and spot his head over the crowd. Also, he can reach high things for me. These are nice advantages, but I also remember the first time I kissed my boyfriend on an escalator (on different steps) and while I was still shorter, for the first time neither of us needed to get in an uncomfortable position. That was nice.

I'm sure that if you're short enough, everything is made too big for you as well, or is too high to reach without a chair or something. I don't know which I would hate most. I'm glad I don't personally have either issues, as 5'4 is pretty average so most things are designed with me in mind.

[Zima]

I actually completely believe that being 6'7 comes with its own set of problems. If I was offered to magically trade my height of 5'8 for 6'7, I'm not sure I'd do it. Perhaps I would, perhaps not. 5'11-6'4 seems like a good range to me.

[Saoirse]

These are nice advantages, but I also remember the first time I kissed my boyfriend on an escalator (on different steps) and while I was still shorter, for the first time neither of us needed to get in an uncomfortable position. That was nice.

word. kissing while standing on a stool or something is nice.

[leadchipmunk]

I can grow a decent beard, but I have pale, slow-growing hair, so I can get away with shaving like every other day. So, uh, there is a middle ground. I am guessing that doesn't make you feel better, though.

I can grow a decent beard, but my moustache and sideburns grow in really thin. I can't grow anything other than a pedo-stache and if you look at me from the side, you can actually see the progression of how thick my beard is and how going up the 'burns it gets thinner.

[mrRed]

I'm 30 with an awesome wife and the Worlds Smartest 1 Year Old™ (first child syndrome? yes please).

Over the past 5 years I started off at 5'9", 165lbs with strong legs from biking and little else, over 3 years gained up to a relatively strong 200lbs with a bit of a spare tire, worked down to 185lbs relatively lean (15% maybe?), and now back up at a comfortable 190lbs.

I have a little bit of a belly, but strong legs and back, broad shoulders and decent sized arms (no barell chest, but not really concerned).

Anyway, the point is that I don't look like an adonis, I'm pale, hairy, can run around and play a game of soccer with friends after a heavy lifting session, cook food for my family 6 nights a week, help run a company that provides jobs for a good handful of people, and in the end if I can remain in strong and effective shape for many years, I know in my head that I shouldn't give a crap about what other people feel or if there's an extra 5 lbs sitting over my chiseled abs.

That being said, I was at a picnic the other day and some girls were commenting on one of my friends arms who's probably 6'2" and 180lbs and good deal smaller than I am and quite honestly, I was a little bummed for a few minutes.

Then I went home later, saw my wife and kid, and forgot all about it until this conversation. I think the point is that a few years ago I would've dwelled on it for a while, but now that other parts of my life are pretty great (albeit absurdly stressful at time), I don't really care as much anymore. I'm much more concerned with being strong and active than lean and chiseled.

As for handshakes, I usually just respond in kind unless the person has a dead fish for a hand. In that case I might squeeze a bit just to make sure there's some bones in there and they're not a changeling.

[Thrillho]

I have to keep the beardstache for two reasons:

One, I rather like how it looks.

Two, I look like an enormous 12 year old if I shave it.

I am a big guy, 6'4" and ~250-ish, so I've got pretty soft features. Shaving the beard completely removes any semblance of adulthood from my face. It's terrifying. At my wife's request I do keep the beard and moustache short, and she's never mentioned anything about the bristliness of it, but now I'm paranoid and want to get grooming dealies and try it out.

In two hours I have a job interview, where I will once again disguise myself as the MORMON ENFORCER and try not to terrify my potential employers. My only good outfit is a very nice, crisp, expensive white cotton shirt, black pants, and a black tie. My wife joked that I was the scariest door-to-door Mormon in the world (not making fun, I love y'all), again considering my size and width (6'4", broad shoulders, big body). At one of my job interviews with the City, it was four of us at a tiny table, and the chairs were sized for either normal people, or unusually small people, since my knees were way higher than they should have been, and even seated I LOOMED over the three of them.

I have a lot of short friends who wish they were big like me, and let me tell you, it's not always fun, feeling like you're about to start ripping off limbs and grinding bones for bread. Moms with small kids will CROSS THE STREET if they see me coming and it's dark. Feel the love.

Wow, this went off-track!

[WizardTrip]

As the girlfriend of a tall guy, for me the advantage is that I don't lose him. No matter where I am, I can turn around and spot his head over the crowd. Also, he can reach high things for me. These are nice advantages, but I also remember the first time I kissed my boyfriend on an escalator (on different steps) and while I was still shorter, for the first time neither of us needed to get in an uncomfortable position. That was nice.

word. kissing while standing on a stool or something is nice.

I can appreciate this. I'm by no means a giant, but at 6'3 I've never dated anyone taller than ~5'7-5'8 until recently. This year has become the year of tall women in my life, starting with kissing a girl on NYE who was 6'0, then briefly dating a girl this past spring who was also 6'0, and the girl I'm currently dating is 6'0 as well. And this girl isn't shy about wearing heels either, which makes her my height. I have to admit, being 6'3 and kissing someone your own height is nice!

[Waldo]

NF has a lot of unusually tall people.

At 6'1" I'm usually the tallest person in the room and rarely ever have to look up when talking to someone (so rare that I always notice it).

[blindasutsutsu]

NF has a lot of unusually tall people.

At 6'1" I'm usually the tallest person in the room and rarely ever have to look up when talking to someone (so rare that I always notice it).

I hear this! I was thinking the same thing... "that's a lot of tall people" came out of my mouth.

On another note those saying they want a 5 oclock shadow it really is more obnoxious than anything, I promise your aren't missing much!!

[The Tin Man]

NF has a lot of unusually tall people.

I think back to the gym when Seth and I were with CoreyD, WizardTrip, and bigm.

[Thrillho]

I am 6'4". At my wedding, my wedding party was 6'4, 6'3, 6'2, 5'7".

I know a lot of tall people, I'm not even exceptionally tall for my circle of friends OR my family.

...

WE WILL DESTROY YOU ALL