MEN ONLY THREAD part two

[Frost of the Gloaming]

Wait you mean gay guys don't have fantastic gay sex every night with multiple people at the same time!!!!!! (sarcasm)

[Flex Luthor]

Wait you mean gay guys don't have fantastic gay sex every night with multiple people at the same time!!!!!! (sarcasm)

 

The gay guys I know do...

[Flex Luthor]

Also this thread makes me feel a little sad. I would hope when I'm married my wife and I continue to have regular sex and often because it's one of the most awesome things in the world. Maybe I've got unrealistically high expectations...

[Waldo]

Also this thread makes me feel a little sad. I would hope when I'm married my wife and I continue to have regular sex and often because it's one of the most awesome things in the world. Maybe I've got unrealistically high expectations...

Ah the dreams of the young'uns.....

I'm sure there are married couples that screw like single people long after they are married, but they are few and far between. There is a reason that comedians that play the married man schtick pretty much tell jokes about their sex life, or lack thereof.

Scheduling does really work though, and it does tend to lead to higher quality sex. Obviously it won't be high frequency, but it is usually an improvement over virtually nothing.

[wildross]

Also this thread makes me feel a little sad. I would hope when I'm married my wife and I continue to have regular sex and often because it's one of the most awesome things in the world. Maybe I've got unrealistically high expectations...

A lot will depend on the woman (assumption) you end up married to.  As Waldo has said, many (particularly) middle aged couples schedule sex.  We know it's good, we know its important, we know it draws us closer, but you know, there's so many other things with the kids, the house, the cars, the job(s), the church, whatever.  Spontaneity is great, but its good knowing what's coming too.

[Flex Luthor]

A lot will depend on the woman (assumption) you end up married to.  As Waldo has said, many (particularly) middle aged couples schedule sex.  We know it's good, we know its important, we know it draws us closer, but you know, there's so many other things with the kids, the house, the cars, the job(s), the church, whatever.  Spontaneity is great, but its good knowing what's coming too.

 

Correct assumption. Part of my age also is that my libido is so high it's impossible to imagine not wanting sex 24/7. Don't get me wrong I don't really see scheduling sex as the negative part, only a little. The sad part was once a week lol

[Red1263]

Part of my age also is that my libido is so high it's impossible to imagine not wanting sex 24/7

This echos true for a LOT of us.

[wildross]

This echos true for a LOT of us.

I don't think Waldo and I are talking about our desires at all.  We are talking about the realities of life with demanding jobs, kids, and the trappings of modern life.  Believe me, a couple little ones in the house who wake you up 2 or 3 times in the night for a week will make you change your idea of what needs to happen in the bed room the next night.  It starts with s but doesn't end with x.

[chairohkey]

I'd like to offer a glimpse of hope to our non married brethren. My wife and I still have regular unscheduled sex. We just celebrated our seven year anniversary and it's still awesome. Granted we don't have kids so that's probably why.

[Thrillho]

Three kids, thirteen years together, and I think we last had anything more than a hug in October. Extenuating circumstances and whatnot, I suppose. Stress can certainly kill some people's drives, and it's been a stressful while.

[Waldo]

I don't think Waldo and I are talking about our desires at all.  We are talking about the realities of life with demanding jobs, kids, and the trappings of modern life.  Believe me, a couple little ones in the house who wake you up 2 or 3 times in the night for a week will make you change your idea of what needs to happen in the bed room the next night.  It starts with s but doesn't end with x.

 

Yep.

 

Were it my call it the frequency would be a higher, but I can make do.  But there are plenty of nights where I want little more than to sleep.

 

We've been together 14 years now, married for almost 9 of them.  Just one little one thus far, though hoping #2 happens here soon, taking the step up to an IUI this month.

 

Kids are what really change the equation; your kid-free time together drops to just a couple hours a day, maybe; its tough to balance everything.

[Artinum]

The sad part was once a week lol

 

I miss the days of once a week.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

So I think my "our" problem is that we tried to have our 2nd kid for so long and it became more about baby making than it being relaxing fun way to deal with stress and staying connected. Now that we are done having kids, I think she's having trouble disconnecting from the fact that we used to have to schedule things, "ok I'm ovulating on these days and afterwards I have to stand on my head for 15 mins to help the sperm travel down stream" every month for a long time. Seriously sex became a chore and I'm not 100% sure how to re-right the ship so to speak; so I'm wondering if the OP is having the same issues

 

 

Ok and new question, say you went through the baby making process and it took longer than it normally takes (just because of life) which you had to schedule everything out, how do you approach the subject of "lets try to get it one once a week on this day" without it seeming like it's a scheduled robotic thing?

[Waldo]

Ok and new question, say you went through the baby making process and it took longer than it normally takes (just because of life) which you had to schedule everything out, how do you approach the subject of "lets try to get it one once a week on this day" without it seeming like it's a scheduled robotic thing?

Sometimes it is. Especially at first.

Remember though, the body thrives on routine, sex is no different. You know how you tend to get hungry right before meals (even if you shouldn't be), the body is expecting the meal and preparing for it as part of your routine. Your body gets used to a sexual frequency, just like with meals, it tells you when you are hungry.

Surely you'll have some robotic lame sex at first (I'm sure you know this all too well having gone through long babymaking), you can pretty much use that as what not to do. To avoid robotic lame sex your options are to not have any at all, or make it better.

Usually lame sex is the result of one of you doing it but not really wanting to. Simply having a regular routine for it goes a long way to fixing that, over time the routine itself will bring you both the appetite.

But removing the question of IF? does have a lot of benefits as well.

I guess an analogy is the best way to explain. Lets says that sex is like a vacation. Spontaneous sex is about like a road trip or day trip. You both feel like having fun one day, WTH, jump in the car and head out to the beach or mountains or lake; figure it out on the fly. OTOH, chances are, you can't just decide to go on a safari or go to spend a weekend in Venice, or some resort some where on a remote island (unless you are fabulously wealthy and can buy your way through logistics problems, ignore that possibility). That sort of trip requires planning. When you know in advance you are going on a trip (or at least one of you does), you can go on a much more elaborate trip.

Robotic sex is avoided by keeping it interesting. It is much easier to work to keep it interesting when the question of if it is going to occur doesn't exist.

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Robotic sex is avoided by keeping it interesting. It is much easier to work to keep it interesting when the question of if it is going to occur doesn't exist.

Agreed completely.  And just because you know it's going to happen doesn't mean you can't make it fun again.  I would suggest talking to your wife about it first so you both know what you want out of it.  As silly as it may sound, having a meaningful conversation about sex can go a long way for getting great satisfaction out of it.  After two children, a woman's body will be different and the duties in the house are always going to be on her mind, possibly yours as well.  Make sure all your daily chores are done well in advance and do the small things you used to do before sex became a routine.  

The ramblings of a crazy man.

[Flex Luthor]

None of you are helping lol

 

I'm just going to be a naive young person and say it'll be different for me! Even though it probably won't...

[Church]

Well I know it'll be different for me. It seems to me the problem begins when you have kids. Well I'm just never having kids. Seriously. You gotta have sex before you can have kids.

And hell, you gotta have a girlfriend/wife before you can have sex....

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[Flex Luthor]

Well I know it'll be different for me. It seems to me the problem begins when you have kids. Well I'm just never having kids. Seriously. You gotta have sex before you can have kids.

And hell, you gotta have a girlfriend/wife before you can have sex....

 

I feel your pain.

[Artinum]

And hell, you gotta have a girlfriend/wife before you can have sex....

 

Not necessarily...

[vido.ardes]

I'm glad to see I'm not alone here. My wife an I have been together 7 years married for 2 and we started trying for kids September 2012, and to start with it was great, we didn't go on a schedule because we just took it as an opportunity to have lots of regular spontaneous sex and just see what happens, it was awesome and she fell pregnant in May 2013. Unfortunately in September last year my wife ended up in hospital with a missed miscarriage and then subsequently rushed into A&E a week later for septicemia due to the previous visit, which knocked us both for 6. Now we are trying again, but this time it is all about ovulation sticks and scheduled sex and it just doesn't feel the same as it is about trying to get pregnant, not about having sex for fun.

I can see it becoming a chore if it takes a while to get pregnant, and when she does, I can then see it becoming associated with the chore and not the fun and our sex life dying on it's arse. I hope that's not the case, but I can't really see it going any other, especially once a kid is in the picture.

[Thrillho]

Our second kid was with fertility assistance, and took almost 18 months of trying, and it... wasn't fun by the end, since the treatments for her really messed with her hormones and sex drive, and a cranky wife who admits she isn't into sex is surprisingly NOT a major turn-on for me.  But we succeeded, and it got fun again for a while, so don't think all of my stories are doom and gloom!

 

Also, just imagine how awesome it will be to weight lift with a baby. 

 

[Waldo]

I'm glad to see I'm not alone here. My wife an I have been together 7 years married for 2 and we started trying for kids September 2012, and to start with it was great, we didn't go on a schedule because we just took it as an opportunity to have lots of regular spontaneous sex and just see what happens, it was awesome and she fell pregnant in May 2013. Unfortunately in September last year my wife ended up in hospital with a missed miscarriage and then subsequently rushed into A&E a week later for septicemia due to the previous visit, which knocked us both for 6. Now we are trying again, but this time it is all about ovulation sticks and scheduled sex and it just doesn't feel the same as it is about trying to get pregnant, not about having sex for fun.

I can see it becoming a chore if it takes a while to get pregnant, and when she does, I can then see it becoming associated with the chore and not the fun and our sex life dying on it's arse. I hope that's not the case, but I can't really see it going any other, especially once a kid is in the picture.

 

It does help to separate babymaking sex from just for fun sex.

 

We still stick to our regular schedule outside of babymaking.  Plus I usually build up day 1 of babymaking to the point where that no different than just for fun sex, day 2 tends to be quite fun as well, though it goes downhill fast from there.

 

Extended periods of babymaking can be absolute death to sex, since the monthly sex marathon tends to make the rest of the month a no sex zone (pre-period you're still recovering, post-period you don't want to use up your motivation too early), and the marathon by and large sucks after the first day or two.  An extended amount of time with mostly lame chore-like sex really kills the desire to keep doing it.    

 

Keeping up on the just for fun sex outside of that, and making sure those times are as epic as possible, really helps to fight back against the apathy toward sex that the extended babymaking creates.

 

But we're working on our 2nd one now, things are a lot better this time around.  Things really sucked the first time, we basically did everything wrong with regards to killing off sex drive.

 

Watch out with ovulation strips.  There is this stupid nonsense that goes around among various womens support groups that men are largely shooting blanks for the first 48 hours after sex, which means we could have no sex until we got a positive, and since the fertilization window is only about a day after the positive; she'd get a positive in the AM, we'd have sex that night, and that was the extent of our sex that month.  It took forever before the ludicrousness of this finally got through to her.  I used to call them "no sex strips", because their only use was to tell her we didn't have to have sex today despite being in her fertility window.  She doesn't really use them anymore, the scale is a very effective tool to ID the fertility window; even though it can't ID the exact day of ovulation, that really doesn't matter if the plan to have sex every day during the window.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

Oh god I hated those strips, couple of times it was "oh the line is only slightly showing up today, so not tonight" takes it the next morning, no line at all "hurry up we have to do it just in case".....gggaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

[wildross]

So glad our 5 just happened.

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[wildross]

I'm glad to see I'm not alone here. My wife an I have been together 7 years married for 2 and we started trying for kids September 2012, and to start with it was great, we didn't go on a schedule because we just took it as an opportunity to have lots of regular spontaneous sex and just see what happens, it was awesome and she fell pregnant in May 2013. Unfortunately in September last year my wife ended up in hospital with a missed miscarriage and then subsequently rushed into A&E a week later for septicemia due to the previous visit, which knocked us both for 6. Now we are trying again, but this time it is all about ovulation sticks and scheduled sex and it just doesn't feel the same as it is about trying to get pregnant, not about having sex for fun.

I can see it becoming a chore if it takes a while to get pregnant, and when she does, I can then see it becoming associated with the chore and not the fun and our sex life dying on it's arse. I hope that's not the case, but I can't really see it going any other, especially once a kid is in the picture.

Let's not be all gloom and doom.  Sex post kid(s) is different, and not to discount the physical changes, but (past the post partum phase) a large portion of it is mental and emotional.  Infants are by definition needy people.  Being around needy people is draining.   

 

The two of you are together for a reason and (hopefully) having a child was at least an agreed good thing, if not a planned thing.  There is 1 or more additional people in the relationship now so it takes more effort and planning by the adults for ANYTHING (other than chaos) to happen.  In short, it's time for both parties to grow up quite a bit, really consider each other's needs and to make plans to meet those needs.  Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.  If you don't do some planning or exert some effort...well it won't be pretty.  What that 'growing up' process looks like totally depends on the couple.