My husband the saboteur

[cyndidee]

I love my husband, he's pretty awesome. We've been married 5 years and we still love to goof around and kiss when we see each other. A long time ago he weighed over 500 pounds and had gastric bypass. He lost almost half his body weight, and when we met he was around 280. At that time, we were both "active" - I went line dancing a lot (I hate country music, but I love dancing), and he would hike around his 17 acres, which was mostly hills. Then we got married and I quit line dancing (it's not his thing) and because he moved here, to the city, he quit hiking. End result - we both gained at least 40 pounds. 

 

Two years into our marriage we decided we needed to lose weight and started Medifast. We both dropped 40 pounds but I'm not sure it was the healthiest way to do it. (I swear he lost a lot of hair while we were doing Medifast.) We learned to eat healthy, but went into a lot of debt. We quit buying their food and I've gained back about 10 pounds, but my husband has gained back all 40 pounds, plus some. 

 

So I started researching healthier ways to lose weight. (I found mercola.com, Mark's Daily Apple, Paleo/non-paleo, and Nerd Fitness.) So I started running two years ago and he stays home and watches Netflix. I try to eat paleo, he sneaks snack food and candy after I go to bed. He does all the cooking and grocery shopping (I hate cooking, he loves it) and can't seem to remember that I don't consider corn a vegetable. We try to plan meals together, but somehow he's always sneaking non-paleo food into the meals. 

 

My will-power isn't so great, so he easily talks me into pizza for dinner (on nights he doesn't want to cook, and neither do I). He teases about getting cupcakes from a local place or making cookies, and I give in. I complain that I'm not motivated to run when I should and he seems happy to have me home. He doesn't encourage me to go run, and seems annoyed when I do 5k's. I did a 10k last year and he was a jerk before the race (it was early), and afterwards he just wanted to go home. (This year we're driving separate.) I've asked for encouragement to get healthy but I guess he thinks I am healthy enough. I've tried talking to him about it but he gets defensive and angry, so I prefer not to go there again. I fear I'll lose him to a heart attack when he's in his 50's (when his overweight uncles passed away - his dad is very thin). He feels like he's fine and has no interest in changing how he eats or what he does. I've asked him to check his weight periodically but he now refuses to get on a scale. 

 

I could go on, but this is getting long and I'm sure you're getting the point. I feel bad in a way, I changed, not him, but now I want him to change too.  I feel like everything i do to make myself feel better makes him feel worse. I know what I need to do is keep going forward and when I fall, pick myself up and keep going. He may never get on board with being healthy and there's not really anything I can do to make him want to be healthy. 

 

Any advice on how to deal with this? I know I can't be the only person who has been through this. (Is there a board for lop-sided relationships?) 

[Duality]

It's a hard and very delicate situation. I'm living kind of the same thing, my girlfriend wants to lose weight but she used to make dinner and didn't put any effort, so we ate tons of pasta. I didn't mind but I wanted veggies and meat. So I manned up, forced myself to cook, I cook meals at least 4-5 times a week now, she's lost 9 pounds so far in the last month or two. I now LOVE cooking, she saw improvements and now actually puts effort into doing more, more exercise, more reps at the park doing bodyweight exercises, pushing yourself.

 

I suggest (this is strictly my opinion), that if you start cooking meals and eating what YOU want to eat and progress by yourself, he'll could eventually hop on board. You make your own decisions on what you eat, he orders pizza, he doesn't make  you eat it. At the end of the day it's all about the choice YOU make, what YOU want and how hard YOU try. Google how to make recipies, make a bunch, freeze portions for later eating if he orders pizza or etc.

 

I will restate also this is just my opinion, I'm not an expert of any kind, but this is from personal experience only.

[Waldo]

Strengthen your willpower and do your thing, and do it for you. You giving in only encourages inaction and sabotage. Be the person that will sit and watch him eat what you will not.

Eventually he will get the point.

[Morrigainz]

Strengthen your willpower and do your thing, and do it for you. You giving in only encourages inaction and sabotage. Be the person that will sit and watch him eat what you will not. Eventually he will get the point.

This.

[fluffyrin42]

I think Duality hit a lot of nails on the head.  I have a slightly similar situation - my husband is not a fan of me running races or spending my time exercising.  Part of it is a paranoid safety thing on his part (he thinks I'll drown doing tris, get murdered running around the neighborhood, be hit by cars on my bike - you name it, he's brought it up as a reason I shouldn't go outside the front door).  Ultimately, I told him that I don't really care if he shows up to my races (he did volunteer to drive for one of my tris - I loved it, but he never came back).  I get in my fitness early in the morning before he wakes up so that I don't have to worry about feeling bad for leaving him at home in the evenings.

 

For food, I'd look into keeping quick options around for those days when a non-paleo meal just "happens" to hit the table.  Hubby makes mashed potatoes?  Throw a frozen bag of steam veggies in the microwave and have those instead.  Pizza on the menu?  Throw some hamburger in with steam veggies and garlic.  Get yourself a few quick and simple fall back meals that you can use whenever he "forgets" that something isn't paleo and thank him for making dinner anyway.  He'll get the hint eventually!

[cline]

Waldo and MirGSS are right.

 

Here's the thing: your diet, your weight loss, your exercise, etc. all all prefaced with "YOU".  These are your choices, you are responsible, and YOU are in control.  There is nothing your spouse does that affects that.  If spouse brings in ice cream, it is still YOUR choice to eat it.  Trust me.  I know that spouse. 

 

My spousal unit is great but wow he really struggles with the food stuff sometimes (mostly he's fine) and yeah, sometimes my willpower lags.  This weekend I really wanted to take a walk and get frozen yogurt.  it was that kind of day.  He said "let's go!  I'll go with you!".  Ugh.  He knows I want to hear "no, you know you don't really want that crap".  But he wanted it.  I was the one who said no.  I was the one in control of my decision.  If I had gone, it was my choice not his action. 

 

AND no matter what - you will never change your spouse.  Unless your spouse wants to change for him/her self, it ain't gonna happen.  If spouse is going to sit on the couch while you run, you have two choices:  either accept that and move on or don't accept it and choose to fight about it, be a nag, etc. and end up miserable b/c it isn't going to matter - you can't change that person.

 

And yeah, I'm married for a long ass time (qualifier:  to the same guy)

[cline]

I think Duality hit a lot of nails on the head.  I have a slightly similar situation - my husband is not a fan of me running races or spending my time exercising.  Part of it is a paranoid safety thing on his part (he thinks I'll drown doing tris, get murdered running around the neighborhood, be hit by cars on my bike - you name it, he's brought it up as a reason I shouldn't go outside the front door).  Ultimately, I told him that I don't really care if he shows up to my races (he did volunteer to drive for one of my tris - I loved it, but he never came back).  I get in my fitness early in the morning before he wakes up so that I don't have to worry about feeling bad for leaving him at home in the evenings.

 

For food, I'd look into keeping quick options around for those days when a non-paleo meal just "happens" to hit the table.  Hubby makes mashed potatoes?  Throw a frozen bag of steam veggies in the microwave and have those instead.  Pizza on the menu?  Throw some hamburger in with steam veggies and garlic.  Get yourself a few quick and simple fall back meals that you can use whenever he "forgets" that something isn't paleo and thank him for making dinner anyway.  He'll get the hint eventually!

 

where do you live?!  I live downtown Philly and my husband could care less if I run at night, in the morning, etc. 

[cyndidee]

All good stuff I need to hear, thank you!! I'm going to reread all of this a few more times and it'll sink in. I think part of my problem is that I blame him for my bad choices. 

 

Having non-cheat food planned out is a good idea. I do paleo to help with my ADD, not to lose weight. I prefer how I feel (how I think) when I haven't had sugar or breads/pastas. I think I might need to make a list of why I run, why I avoid refined sugar and flour, why I want this to be part of my regular life and post it somewhere. MY goals, something only I am responsible for. And maybe when the hubster sees how hard I'm trying, maybe he might cheer me on a little. 

 

Btw, I keep thinking about how much I seriously hate cooking, but I could definitely make myself salads. 

 

Thank you! I'll reread this again after I get some work done...

[Thrillho]

Very close to my situation, except swap out "husband" and "wife" for the other ones. This was very educational and encouraging, inasmuch as other people are in the same boat!

[I-Jo]

Strengthen your willpower and do your thing, and do it for you. You giving in only encourages inaction and sabotage. Be the person that will sit and watch him eat what you will not. Eventually he will get the point.

 

THIS... SOOO MUCH OF THIS.

 

I LOVE knowing I can sit and watch people eating rubbish.  They feel bad- they try to get me to eat it- they get mad at me- it only strengths me to know I"m better than they are.  Yeah- I said it- I'm better than that- not because I don't eat crap (I do) but I eat it on MY TERMS- not because it's there.  I eat it when I want to- under my terms.  

 

I think Duality hit a lot of nails on the head.  I have a slightly similar situation - my husband is not a fan of me running races or spending my time exercising.  Part of it is a paranoid safety thing on his part (he thinks I'll drown doing tris, get murdered running around the neighborhood, be hit by cars on my bike - you name it, he's brought it up as a reason I shouldn't go outside the front door).  Ultimately, I told him that I don't really care if he shows up to my races (he did volunteer to drive for one of my tris - I loved it, but he never came back).  I get in my fitness early in the morning before he wakes up so that I don't have to worry about feeling bad for leaving him at home in the evenings.

 

For food, I'd look into keeping quick options around for those days when a non-paleo meal just "happens" to hit the table.  Hubby makes mashed potatoes?  Throw a frozen bag of steam veggies in the microwave and have those instead.  Pizza on the menu?  Throw some hamburger in with steam veggies and garlic.  Get yourself a few quick and simple fall back meals that you can use whenever he "forgets" that something isn't paleo and thank him for making dinner anyway.  He'll get the hint eventually!

FTS.

Do what you gotta do to make you happy and get done what you need to get done.

 

Waldo and MirGSS are right.

 

Here's the thing: your diet, your weight loss, your exercise, etc. all all prefaced with "YOU".  These are your choices, you are responsible, and YOU are in control.  There is nothing your spouse does that affects that.  If spouse brings in ice cream, it is still YOUR choice to eat it.  Trust me.  I know that spouse. 

 

My spousal unit is great but wow he really struggles with the food stuff sometimes (mostly he's fine) and yeah, sometimes my willpower lags.  This weekend I really wanted to take a walk and get frozen yogurt.  it was that kind of day.  He said "let's go!  I'll go with you!".  Ugh.  He knows I want to hear "no, you know you don't really want that crap".  But he wanted it.  I was the one who said no.  I was the one in control of my decision.  If I had gone, it was my choice not his action. 

 

AND no matter what - you will never change your spouse.  Unless your spouse wants to change for him/her self, it ain't gonna happen.  If spouse is going to sit on the couch while you run, you have two choices:  either accept that and move on or don't accept it and choose to fight about it, be a nag, etc. and end up miserable b/c it isn't going to matter - you can't change that person.

 

And yeah, I'm married for a long ass time (qualifier:  to the same guy)

^^^^this.

 

 

esp the red.

[marionette]

You just have to keep doing what you are doing and stick with it. Don't worry about making him feel bad because ultimately it is your health. Get involved in the kitchen and you'll have more input about what you eat, start buying the groceries and you'll have more input over what the two of you eat. 

 

As for getting him to come around... 

 

 

He feels like he's fine and has no interest in changing how he eats or what he does.

 

I find this kinda hard to believe of someone who went through gastric bypass surgery. It takes an immense amount of commitment and willpower to go through that and it is essentially hell. He might be in a failure feedback loop. "I went through all this, lost all that weight, and now I'm putting it back on? I'm doomed to be fat so may as well catch up on Game of Thrones..." Fear of failure might keep him from trying. His bitterness towards you might be because he doesn't see you in that loop he is in and is resentful. 

 

Ask him to go hiking with you. Look for a nice nature path. Make it a date. He enjoyed hiking before and only stopped when he moved into town, so no reason will suddenly dislike it. Who knows, that playfulness you mentioned that the two of you share might turn into playing tag eventually.

 

If he really is determined not to change then you won't change him (as others have said) and you need to cope with it somehow. Thankfully running is good stress relief.

[fluffyrin42]

where do you live?!  I live downtown Philly and my husband could care less if I run at night, in the morning, etc.

 

Oh.  In uber safe suburbia.  He worries.  I still run.  

 

FTS.

Do what you gotta do to make you happy and get done what you need to get done.

 

 

LOL.  I do.  I still run and bike and do my races.

 

I do appreciate that he worries about me...  There was an attempted kidnapping a year ago (a woman running the local paths) and he got hit by a bike last summer - so I understand his concerns to a point.  I just don't let them stop me.  The drowning is a valid worry.  I'm a terrible swimmer.  

[thatgirljj]

Strengthen your willpower and do your thing, and do it for you. You giving in only encourages inaction and sabotage. Be the person that will sit and watch him eat what you will not. Eventually he will get the point.

 

This.  100% this!  My husband watched me change my life for a while.  I was just me and I knew that he had to do it his way, not my way.  This went on for years, even when I gained pregnancy weight and lost it again.  I just waited and talked... I knew he wanted it, but I could do it for him.  Finally, he took the first step to commit to it himself by starting martial arts training. Once he was ready and put in the effort to find the right thing for himself and get going, he stuck with it.  His approach to fitness has been strong... his eating still goes in fits and starts.  But I don't think he ever would have got there if I didn't figure out that I had to do me, and support him in doing himself.

 

-jj

[Naturally]

All good stuff I need to hear, thank you!! I'm going to reread all of this a few more times and it'll sink in. I think part of my problem is that I blame him for my bad choices. 

 

Having non-cheat food planned out is a good idea. I do paleo to help with my ADD, not to lose weight. I prefer how I feel (how I think) when I haven't had sugar or breads/pastas. I think I might need to make a list of why I run, why I avoid refined sugar and flour, why I want this to be part of my regular life and post it somewhere. MY goals, something only I am responsible for. And maybe when the hubster sees how hard I'm trying, maybe he might cheer me on a little. 

 

Btw, I keep thinking about how much I seriously hate cooking, but I could definitely make myself salads. 

 

Thank you! I'll reread this again after I get some work done...

 

I agree with those who say it is up to YOU. Your body, your choice what goes in. I'm not saying it's not harder when people around you forget what you're eating and not eating, or want to encourage you to make the same bad choices so theirs don't seem so bad to themselves - it IS harder, I'm living that at the moment - but that makes the win sweeter.

 

If you were single, you'd have to cook, right? So why is it fair to expect him to not only cook for you but to make the food you like? Cooking is something you just have to do, like using the toilet, paying the bills & washing. I don't particularly enjoy sitting on the loo, but I don't concentrate on how much I seriously hate it - what a waste of energy and way to neg yourself out! There is so much you can prepare that is scrummy and takes hardly any effort at all.  If you make some chilli or stew in a big pan you can freeze in in portions et voila - paleo ready meals, just need a ping in the microwave. Slow cooker stews taste awesome and take very little effort.

 

Perhaps he's feeling insecure that you're getting all strong and skinny and going to trade him in for a better model? I don't know what the answer to that would be if that's the case, but perhaps if you were to notice that you could help him to feel more secure and good about himself? Ultimately whether he responds to you upgrading yourself by descending into a cake-fuelled pity party or  by coming to join you is up to him - I'd just leave the door open and a helping hand available if he wants to come join you

[puddletheduck]

This.  100% this!  My husband watched me change my life for a while.  I was just me and I knew that he had to do it his way, not my way.  This went on for years, even when I gained pregnancy weight and lost it again.  I just waited and talked... I knew he wanted it, but I could do it for him.  Finally, he took the first step to commit to it himself by starting martial arts training. Once he was ready and put in the effort to find the right thing for himself and get going, he stuck with it.  His approach to fitness has been strong... his eating still goes in fits and starts.  But I don't think he ever would have got there if I didn't figure out that I had to do me, and support him in doing himself.

 

-jj

 

This is really encouraging to hear. I really wish my husband would find something he loves and commit to it consistently. For years he's talked about it but never sticks with anything beyond going running once or twice or doing some push-ups every now and then. I know he'll never be a crazy obsessive exerciser like me, but I wish he'd just to do something to keep his body in good condition and set himself up for a healthy middle and old age. He's naturally in good shape, but that won't last forever (he's now 31).

 

This makes me hope that if I continue to set a good example one day he'll "get it". Once nice thing is that he's been asking me to show him how to do a few new bodyweight exercises recently.

[cline]

This makes me hope that if I continue to set a good example one day he'll "get it". Once nice thing is that he's been asking me to show him how to do a few new bodyweight exercises recently.

 

the thing is, honestly, he might not ever "get it".  Be okay with that.  He is a different person. 

 

These are my in laws:  father in law in ok shape, very active, tries to take care of self, etc.  Mother in law - chose to get old in her 40's and can't barely move now.  He still loves her.  It's just who she is. 

[puddletheduck]

the thing is, honestly, he might not ever "get it".  Be okay with that.  He is a different person. 

 

These are my in laws:  father in law in ok shape, very active, tries to take care of self, etc.  Mother in law - chose to get old in her 40's and can't barely move now.  He still loves her.  It's just who she is. 

 

Thanks - yes, you're right of course. I probably should have made clearer in my reply that he talks about exercising as if he wants to do it, and naturally I want to help him do what he says he wants to do! He just never quite does it. He used to be really active and a very fast sprinter when he was a teenager. So, I mainly want him to change for him (to achieve what he says he wants to achieve and to keep him healthy).

 

But, yes, if he never changes, I'll love him and support him regardless And a few press-ups and planks every few weeks is better than nothing!

[cline]

Thanks - yes, you're right of course. I probably should have made clearer in my reply that he talks about exercising as if he wants to do it, and naturally I want to help him do what he says he wants to do! He just never quite does it. He used to be really active and a very fast sprinter when he was a teenager. So, I mainly want him to change for him (to achieve what he says he wants to achieve and to keep him healthy).

 

But, yes, if he never changes, I'll love him and support him regardless And a few press-ups and planks every few weeks is better than nothing!

 

trust me - you cannot "help" unless he specifically asks.  Even if you think your help is gentle and supportive.  If he specifically asks, be sure he really wants help.  A lot of times, people don't.  right?  "How can I lose weight?"  do they really want to know?? really????

 

Yeah you got it.  Love him even if he never sprints again.  That's who he is right now and must be a pretty special guy. 

[CrisciMalosh]

Wow. I needed to read this. It has helped me to find acceptance. My husband is such a picky eater, and lately I have felt a lot of resentment for having to make him a different meal than the rest of our family... but it is who he is. Thanks guys!

[Thrillho]

Leading by example has rubbed off in my household, but so far not on my wife.  I've posted pictures of my kids working out because they've seen me work out, and watching my four-year-old do military presses with a toy lightsabre with a shoe stuck on each end is endlessly entertaining.  My oldest (who has juvenile arthritis) is using light freeweights to build muscle (but we usually have to unplug the TV and take away Minecraft before he remembers to do it), and my middle child... actually is very naturally strong, fast and athletic, so we just encourage her to do whatever she wants. 

 

My wife still regards exercise as something that other people do. Walking the kids to and from the school is her cut-off point for daily exertion... everything after that is "OH MY GOD I'M SO EXHAUSTED!"  I've tried to get her to engage in some sort of exercise with me, and her response is what her forum refers to as the Princeface.

 

 

I've pretty much given up trying to inspire her, and I don't even care about leading by example anymore. My goal is to keep the kids motivated and active.  We've all had many, many talks about health and nutrition and activity, and they can school grownups when it comes to a balanced diet what the purpose of fat, carbs and protein in a balanced diet. When they grow up and take over the world, I'll be so proud. 

[I-Jo]

BAW HA HA HA HA princeface

 

 

That's fucking epic.  Most people look at me like that when I tell them about what I do.  LMFAO- I'm glad it has a name now.

[Duality]

BAW HA HA HA HA princeface

 

 

That's fucking epic.  Most people look at me like that when I tell them about what I do.  LMFAO- I'm glad it has a name now.

 

I get that look in the park when I do bodyweight exercises, A name is now epic.

[Burizado]

I thought I remember Steve writing a blog about this topic last October.

 

http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2012/10/15/unhealthy-spouse/

 

 

and Thrillho, you are the king of animated gifs, I think that is about the 10th I've seen from you today. HAHAHAHA

[Thrillho]

I got animated gifs for DAYS. I collect them. 

 

... I have many problems. 

 

I suppose the thing I forgot to say in the post was "Does anyone else feel like a jerk for TRYING to get your spouse to work out / eat healthier / make these changes? Because I can't help but feel that it's getting across the message that 'you aren't good enough'."

[puddletheduck]

Yeah you got it.  Love him even if he never sprints again.  That's who he is right now and must be a pretty special guy. 

 

 

That he is Thanks for your words of wisdom.

 

watching my four-year-old do military presses with a toy lightsabre with a shoe stuck on each end is endlessly entertaining.

 

...

 

When they grow up and take over the world, I'll be so proud. 

 

Love this! 

 

 

I suppose the thing I forgot to say in the post was "Does anyone else feel like a jerk for TRYING to get your spouse to work out / eat healthier / make these changes? Because I can't help but feel that it's getting across the message that 'you aren't good enough'."

 

Sometimes I do worry about this, yes. But in my case we can joke about our relative levels of exercise so (I hope!) I never let it get to the point where I'm preaching at him or putting him down. He likes that I've started lifting and jokes that I'll be stronger than him and will be able to "protect" him. (Which makes me think: How? By clonking a would-be attacker on the head with a barbell...?!?)

 

Like cline and others have said, maybe it's best just not to say anything or try to "help" at all. But when the subject does come up I suppose the important thing is to try to keep it light (i.e. not judgemental or resentful) and not let it spill into other aspects of the relationship. In other words, just have the discussion and then go back to day-to-day life and appreciating (and showing your appreciation of) all the amazing things about your spouse.