Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Doe]

My boss told me last week I need to be more assertive - I didn't say what I wanted to but he definitely got a death stare.  I'm so over that.  I know all us introverts have our own personal hurdles and mine is that if I try to be "assertive" (whatever that really means) I get known as the b**** or the angry black woman. Now, on occasion I will be assertive if I feel very strongly about things, I've learnd sometimes I need to do that so people don't walk all over me. I think I may just be invortedly assertive.  If I maintain my normal mode which is introverted, pretty chill, and relying on facts and figures rather than being the loudest one in the room I get "be more assertive", "speak up" or "I know you're part Asian but let some of that sass out" (I had someone at another company I teamed up with on a project say that to me. I don't think anyone has ever so efficiently insult both my heritages at once).

 

Done, done I tell you.  Folk just gonna have to deal. 

[Doe]

sorry dp

[Oramac]

 Woooah there buddy. Tortoises are awesome.

But maybe I'm biased because I have a sulcata tortoise.

 

Do explain.    Other than having built in body armor I'm not seeing how being a tortoise is a compliment at all.  

[PixieKitten]

This is what he looked like as a baby

 

Tiny, big eyes, cute as a button, all over adorableness.

 

This is what he will look like in about 8 more years.

 

 

I'm just missing the gorgeous fella.

 

Tortoises are badass. <3

[zeroh13]

I think it's totally possible to be quietly assertive. Most people call it being stubborn.

Whenever I try to be assertive, I either feel like I'm being too bossy or stepping out of line, or the person doesn't listen to me because I'm not actually a supervisor even though if you look at my job duties I have all of the responsibilities of one.

[TMedina]

Being assertive is tricky.  Too much, you're aggressive and acting like an ass.  Not enough, it's ineffectual and you get ignored.  And worse, "just the right amount" varies from person to person and situation to situation.

 

And if I took the same test, apparently I'm a beaver. o.O

[Machete]

Apparently I'm ISTP, so I'm a snake?

 

Do explain.    Other than having built in body armor I'm not seeing how being a tortoise is a compliment at all.  

Because you can be teenaged, mutant, and ninja.

[Ceasefire]

Thanks for posting this topic on my status! I think I've found somewhere that feels like home.

So let's get the awkward pleasantries out of the way?

 

Hi. I'm Ceasefire and I'm an anxiety sufferer. I would like to say I'm an introverted extrovert, but I don't even know anymore.

Telephone calls tie my stomach in knots. Driving makes my entire body tense up. And confrontation? Don't even talk about it.

 

So hi. My wins recently:

 

I made a phone call this morning, for work, in which I didn't have to excuse myself to throw up.

And I stood up to a 'bully' yesterday who decided the best way to bait me into discussing politics was to flick my head and punch my arm...

 

[Rurik Harrgath]

So hi. My wins recently:

 

I made a phone call this morning, for work, in which I didn't have to excuse myself to throw up.

And I stood up to a 'bully' yesterday who decided the best way to bait me into discussing politics was to flick my head and punch my arm...

 

Sounds like a victory to me.  Nice work.

 

I've been away from work for vacation for almost three weeks now.  Not terribly excited to be forced back into the social melting pot there on Friday.  There'll be so much gossip and 'how was your trip-ing' that I'm sure I'll be burned out by 0700 (and I start at 0530).

[MAGICFATSO]

I don't really know if if I'm an introvert or just an A*hole.

My thing is that MOST of the time, I don't really care about what others have to say.

By "others" I mean co workers and people who isn't really a friend chosen by me.

 

I DO care about what my parents, brother, close friends and girl friend have to say though, they are cool people with really interesting opinions about stuff, we tend to get to deeper subjetcs while the mainstream would appear to be to talk about the new iphone, the weather, the team who is winning at "choose your favorite sport", etc.

 

I love talking to people, but sometimes I get the feel that randoms just don't care for what I've got to say, so I don't even bother

[Ceasefire]

I think that's part of the fear, fear of being rejected.

I get stared at a lot while I'm talking and I worry I'm not even speaking English sometimes...

 

However if what you've got to say is important, say it. If they don't care for it, that's their bag!

[Machete]

I care very much what other people think. Particularly the police. Otherwise I would probably never wear pants outside.

[Ceasefire]

Pants are overrated anyway.

[Oramac]

Pants are overrated anyway.

 

QFT. 

[Jakkals]

Pants are overrated anyway.

 

 

I haven't got the guts to wear one, but I will look like that one day and then I might. And I really have to make a sword.

[Jakkals]

And since I was googling kilts, this came up.

 

[Rurik Harrgath]

Having just returned from Scotland, I can vouch for the magic of kilts.  Saw a good handful of fine Scottish gentlemen sticking to the old ways and they looked like the happiest sort.

[Silo]

Do any of you have issues with loud sounds or noises?

 

I am finding that I'm increasingly bothered by background noise. I turn on the fan over the stove every morning when I make soft boiled eggs and the 7 minutes I have it on sometimes seems like an eternity. It's like I can feel my blood pressure increase while listening to it and then when I turn it off it seems so peaceful. Also, my daughter and husband have started turning on music in the background during dinner and even when it's not very loud, I have trouble focusing on dinner conversation. I don't know if the world is getting louder or if I'm getting more sensitive.

[Ceasefire]

I have issues with too many people talking at one and my brain kind of shuts down, especially if I'm concentrating on something else entirely.

 

Does the noise hurt or is it more like an anxiety trigger?

[oldnews]

I don't really know if if I'm an introvert or just an A*hole.

My thing is that MOST of the time, I don't really care about what others have to say.

By "others" I mean co workers and people who isn't really a friend chosen by me.

 

I DO care about what my parents, brother, close friends and girl friend have to say though, they are cool people with really interesting opinions about stuff, we tend to get to deeper subjetcs while the mainstream would appear to be to talk about the new iphone, the weather, the team who is winning at "choose your favorite sport", etc.

 

I love talking to people, but sometimes I get the feel that randoms just don't care for what I've got to say, so I don't even bother

 

I've been wondering about this. I feel like my biggest problem with interacting with other people is that they rarely want to do or talk about anything I am interested in. Does that make me an A-hole? Have I been confusing introversion with snobbery for years now?

 

I'm also never sure what to say when extroverts get all put out when introverts claim to talk about "deeper" things. I don't know what else to call it when most extroverts discuss people and events, but all the introverts I know discuss ideas.

[Jakkals]

Do any of you have issues with loud sounds or noises?

 

 

I very seldom listen to music, but when I am driving somewhere I have the radio on. When I have to read maps or the traffic gets too much I have to shut it down to be able to concentrate. I have considered getting myself some noise canceling headsets.

[Silo]

I have issues with too many people talking at one and my brain kind of shuts down, especially if I'm concentrating on something else entirely.

 

Does the noise hurt or is it more like an anxiety trigger?

 

I would say that it makes me more irritated or like my brain hurts than anxious. If somebody tries to talk to me when the fan is on I am more likely to be snippy. I've said many times that I have trouble focusing on conversation when there are noises so having to reiterate it gets a bit old but I'm not sure that the biggest offender (my young daughter) really understands or "gets" it. If I am in a group and people start talking all at once but not necessarily directly to me, I have a tendency to just kind of tune out and go to my happy place rather than try to follow the conversation

 

 

I very seldom listen to music, but when I am driving somewhere I have the radio on. When I have to read maps or the traffic gets too much I have to shut it down to be able to concentrate. I have considered getting myself some noise canceling headsets.

 

 

Yes, I have to turn off the radio to even pay attention to the GPS, no matter if it is talking to me or if I am looking at the screen (doesn't matter if I'm the driver or not.)

[zeroh13]

For me, it depends on the type of loud noise.

There is the background hum of being in an open crowded place where most everyone is moving. But not so crowded that you are bumping into people. (Examples: the harbor during tourist season, dealers room at a convention) I'm okay with that. Medium to low anxeity depending on how familiar I am with the place.

There is the cacophony of being in a confined space where most everyone is talking. Multiple, usually loud, conversations happening at the same time. (Examples: group discussions in class, icebreakers at clubs or conferences where you divide into groups/teams/pairs, some crowded resturants and fast food places) I am not good with these because I can't filter the various conversations. They tend to all get jumbled together. Overwhelming to medium anxiety depending depending on the place, how I feel that day, if I'm with someone I know, etc.

There's the rhythm of a concert or club (the right kind with the right people). There is amazing energy and you can feel the music in your body. This is the only type of loud noise that I enjoy. I don't like it when someone tries to talk or dance with me though. But that's a problem with people, not noise.

And then there are certain tones/pitches/frequencies/sounds that hurt or make me uncomfortable. If it's really bad I go into "make it stop or get me out of here" mode. This is not related to my anxeity.

I have ADHD, so I am prone to distraction from anything and everything. Especially when I'm not taking medication for it, like now. When I was studying, I would use music (usually classical) to help me concentrate. The music was less distracting than all the different noises in the library. Around here, libraries are not a place of peace and quiet. Even in the "quiet zones".

[Yraen]

I'm not a fan of loud noises simply because I have sensitive ears. Although I do find a multitude of noises overwhelming. Compared to all the other things that set me off noise is low level.

[Ceasefire]

I think libraries haven't been quiet zones since the introduction of play spaces for children and the many, many computers that litter most libraries.

I miss the days of internet cafes being for computers and libraries being for books, but maybe I'm just getting old...