Dating

[Guest Gemeaux]

I was wondering if your body image affects your dating life . Even if you are with someone or married , do you believe it could be better if you were happier with your body ?

[sweetnightmare]

I have been married for 4 years and we have been together for 7. When my husband and I first met was already chunky wearing anywhere from a size 12 to 14. But I have steadily gained over to the point that I now wear size 14 to 16. Mostly 16. He doesn't complain about my size but most recently I have had enough being over weight. I am not happy at my size. I think my marriage would be better if I was smaller. No more meltdowns because I don't fit in anything, better sex, more energy to do things in general and I can dress the way I really want to dress and not hide myself. I know my husband would love to see me wearing a dress or skirt but I never do. I'm always in jeans, t-shirt and converses.

[scarletleavy]

I was actually just thinking about this yesterday. For a long time I suffered from poor body image and low self-confidence and it affected my relationships in a lot of ways. For starters, I put up with unhealthy relationships for too long because I didn't believe I deserved any better. I look back on the way I let some people treat me and I almost feel sick about it. It also made me desperate. I think about some of the things I did or how I acted when I thought I was "losing" someone and I'm embarrassed for myself. Honestly, I was afraid to be alone because I didn't even like myself.

I am at a completely different place in my life now, single and not looking for a relationship, but somehow I keep meeting new people, getting asked out, etc. And then it hit me, and duh it's so obvious to me now now: other people (both in a friendship and relationship sense) are attracted to people who are confident and happy. I can honestly say right now that I am a happy and confident person, in ways I've never been before, and I think other people notice it and want to be around it.

[Centurion]

I've never really had weight or body issues, always been skinny but never particularly muscular. That said I've always been shy and struggled quite a lot with dating due to lack of confidence/low self esteem. That's all changed recently, ever since starting to be more active on a regular basis I've been getting more and more confident (and more and more muscular ) and I've found talking to girls much, much easier. I'm now seeing a girl and very happy about it, so to answer your question, yes the happier you are with your body the more confident you will be and as scarlet said people find that very attractive

[Guest Snake McClain]

Same as what he said. ^

I used to be super skinny and weak. Bad acne and bad glasses. I still to this day think women see me this way even though I know I don't look that way anymore and it really effects my confidence level. Even getting to the date is near impossible for me because I'm terrified ti ask anyone out. So I just don't date.

[Naturally]

Same as what he said. ^

I used to be super skinny and weak. Bad acne and bad glasses. I still to this day think women see me this way even though I know I don't look that way anymore and it really effects my confidence level. Even getting to the date is near impossible for me because I'm terrified ti ask anyone out. So I just don't date.

I sense a level-up your life challenge coming on!

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

I'm married and have been with my wife for 8 years. I've only been getting in shape for about the last year or two. Getting in shape has really helped my self confidence in every aspect of my life and yes, it extends to my relationship as well. I feel better, and when my wife compliments the way I look I actually believe her now and don't think she's just being nice. There are also of course other things that aren't really public forum appropriate.

[WizardTrip]

I would like to say that I never have had a body image issue, but the more I think about it, that would be a lie. Although I had always just accepted the fact that I was bigger, I really have let that get in the way of getting dates. Knowing I don't have the body I want has kept my confidence low when it comes to approaching the ladies. I'm in the process of fixing the body image issue, and with that my confidence levels are already going up....I believe that the confidence is what will get me back to dating more.

[ebm1224]

i think body image has definitely gotten in my way in the past. currently, i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years though we have actually known each other much longer. when we first started dating, i was about 20-30 lbs lighter due to some medical issues and i have to say i was not shy with how i looked and what i thought he felt about how i looked. when is started to gain weight, i was definitely self-concious and still am sometimes. he tells me he thinks i'm beautiful regardless of my weight but there's still that little voice inside me that wonders if he wouldn't prefer me thinner. now that i'm taking more control over my health, i am starting to feel a bit better about things. i look foward to the day that i'll feel completely comfortable with my size and shape and all that. ultimately, i think that body concious issues are often the outlet for other self-esteem issues so i think it's important to look a little deeper sometimes and say "yes, i may be uncomfortable with my body right now, but what else is going on here?"

[67alecto]

Body image and confidence go hand in hand, however there is not a 100% correlation. On example is that my wife has a co-worker who has to be pushing 350 or 375lbs (and he's short too...probably 5'6" or so), but whenever they have a function, he and his wife are always the first on the dance floor. And I'm not talking about high-school-slow-dance-shuffling. I'm talking serious swing dancing with spins, twirls, dips, you name it. He's drenched in sweat after one song, but he's obviously having a blast.

I clearly remember a break through I had. I was starting a new job about 12 years ago, and I was in Day 1 orientation. The person leading it picked me randomly to go sit with another group of people. In a split second, the words that flashed in my mind were "what's the worst that could happen?". I jumped up and walked over and clearly and confidently introduced myself and stuck my hand out for a handshake with all of them.

Want to ask someone out on a date? What's the worst thing that could happen? They say no, but you learn from the experience for the next time.

Want to speak in front of others? What's the worst that could happen? You mess up, but you learn from the experience for next time.

You determine if something or someone intimidates you, so don't give up that power.

[WizardTrip]

Body image and confidence go hand in hand, however there is not a 100% correlation. On example is that my wife has a co-worker who has to be pushing 350 or 375lbs (and he's short too...probably 5'6" or so), but whenever they have a function, he and his wife are always the first on the dance floor. And I'm not talking about high-school-slow-dance-shuffling. I'm talking serious swing dancing with spins, twirls, dips, you name it. He's drenched in sweat after one song, but he's obviously having a blast.

I clearly remember a break through I had. I was starting a new job about 12 years ago, and I was in Day 1 orientation. The person leading it picked me randomly to go sit with another group of people. In a split second, the words that flashed in my mind were "what's the worst that could happen?". I jumped up and walked over and clearly and confidently introduced myself and stuck my hand out for a handshake with all of them.

Want to ask someone out on a date? What's the worst thing that could happen? They say no, but you learn from the experience for the next time.

Want to speak in front of others? What's the worst that could happen? You mess up, but you learn from the experience for next time.

You determine if something or someone intimidates you, so don't give up that power.

I can vouch for being the first to hit a dance floor. At my peak of 250-260lbs (at 6'3), I would definitively stand out on the dance floor, but it never stopped me. I love it! Also, talking in front of people isn't much of an issue with me either. So, I guess, in those types of situations, I do have confidence and my body image hasn't held me back.

Approaching someone to introduce myself, strike up a conversation, try to get a date/number, etc is where I need to work. But like you said, I am the only one that can make that change.

[aj_rock]

I can vouch for being the first to hit a dance floor. At my peak of 250-260lbs (at 6'3), I would definitively stand out on the dance floor, but it never stopped me. I love it! Also, talking in front of people isn't much of an issue with me either. So, I guess, in those types of situations, I do have confidence and my body image hasn't held me back.

Approaching someone to introduce myself, strike up a conversation, try to get a date/number, etc is where I need to work. But like you said, I am the only one that can make that change.

It's people like that that exemplify what scarletleavy said above. No matter your size or strength, exuding confidence and excitement does a lot more for how people percieve you. In fact, personally, I would think more of someone in that situation than someone who looks lean and fit, yet seems obsessed with figure and freaks out over eating too much.

[Lachy]

I find my biggest challenge with dating is meeting people. It seems that none of my activities, or any of social situations allow for much interaction with women I don't already know. And my friends and family are of no help introducing fresh blood either.

While I'm not an extroverted person, I'm not shy and I can hold an conversation. Actually, to be honest, I can hold a conversation if I find the other person interesting, if I don't I can't think of much to say. I certainly feel more confident when I'm fit though.

[ETFnerd]

Want to ask someone out on a date? What's the worst thing that could happen? They say no, but you learn from the experience for the next time.

Want to speak in front of others? What's the worst that could happen? You mess up, but you learn from the experience for next time.

You determine if something or someone intimidates you, so don't give up that power.

I don't agree that this is the worst that could happen. If that were the case, the downside would be limited and more people would take the risk to approach new people.

The worst that could happen is that you are humiliated in front of people whose opinion you care about, are perceived as less than competent or less equal than others, curtailing future professional and/or social opportunities. If so, the cost is too high and people are justified and making the correct analysis in refraining from participating in certain activities, I'd like to think that we live in a judgment-free Wolrd, devoid of shallow people who make invalid inferences based on appearances, but evidence from empirical studies shows over and over again that there is an income gap between attractive and unattractive people, tall and short people and people who are overweight and those who aren't.

In today's shallow World, unfortunately your appearance is reality and the unspoken inferences made, whether warranted or not are real.

[Daffy]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for well over 3 years. Since the beginning we've both gained around 20lbs, probably mostly because we got off of our feet and took desk jobs. We've stopped the weight gain though and started getting back into optimal shape. We're still both very happy and attracted to each other, but I'm sure as we get more and more fit things will be even better in general.

[Guest Snake McClain]

I sense a level-up your life challenge coming on!

Maybe. But I doubt it. I don't think women really like me. I'm always sort of in that weird stage of being considered this great significant other but without opportunities in general...I'd honestly rather not take the rejection. Lol

All in all women seem to be interested until they find out I'm nerdy. Then its like they lose interest. And the nerdier gals don't seem to care about health so much and that's important to me now so...I unnoticed.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

Honestly, all my nerd friends who are in pretty good relationships either met their girlfriends in class in college or on nerd dating sites. If I was single, I'd be browsing the later.

[Guest Snake McClain]

There are nerd dating sites? Lol. Honestly though...I'm pretty okay with being solo for now. I have a lot on my plate between work. Preparing for school. Weight training. Wrestling training. Providing care for my grandfather and trying to make time for friends. I get gassed pretty easy. The only reason it would be super nice to date or have a relationship is to hope someone would be there to support me but that's kind of what nerdfitness does. I'm in a relationship with this forum. Lol

[Guest Gemeaux]

Maybe. But I doubt it. I don't think women really like me. I'm always sort of in that weird stage of being considered this great significant other but without opportunities in general...I'd honestly rather not take the rejection. Lol

All in all women seem to be interested until they find out I'm nerdy. Then its like they lose interest. And the nerdier gals don't seem to care about health so much and that's important to me now so...I unnoticed.

I think fit nerdy guys are the best !

[Guest Snake McClain]

I think fit nerdy guys are the best !

I'd almost think all women would but I guess that's not the case. Lawlz

[Durandal]

I was wondering if your body image affects your dating life . Even if you are with someone or married , do you believe it could be better if you were happier with your body ?

I think it does, but I was actually wondering about confidence before vs after starting to date.

Basically I promised myself I wouldn't date anyone until I've reached some personal fitness milestones. The reason for this is that I wanted to be more confident in myself, how I look, and what I can do so I won't be tempted into using my future SO as a crutch against any difficulties in my life. Clingy relationships are a big no-no - I've seen a few play out and they never end well. If I don't think I'm an awesome person, I need to put more awesome into my life before I start dating anyone.

Basically I'm aiming to be supremely confident in myself before starting a relationship. For the longest time I thought it was the other way around - get the girl/guy and then you'll feel better about your life - but I now think that's the wrong way to go about things. Do other folks agree, or can relate? Or am I completely wrong and I need to hit up the local singles' bar right now? (heeeey ladies)

[ETFnerd]

@durandal, my view is different, but don't know if it's better than yours...

basically if I've met someone i want to meet with, then we are beginning the process of building our collective life together. i wouldn't wait until things are better, because they can always be better... however, if you have glaring, dangerous flaws like uncontrollable violent streaks, drug use, dependency issues, etc... then it may be better to wait until you've resolved those, just because i wouldn't want to put a loved one through the wringer of resolving those types of personal issues... ymmv...

[Atalan]

Since I've linked nerd fitness on his blog enough, I'll flip back and link to Doctor Nerd Love here.

www.doctornerdlove.com/ All about dating and how to change your romantic life.

[ebm1224]

I

Basically I'm aiming to be supremely confident in myself before starting a relationship. For the longest time I thought it was the other way around - get the girl/guy and then you'll feel better about your life - but I now think that's the wrong way to go about things. Do other folks agree, or can relate? Or am I completely wrong and I need to hit up the local singles' bar right now? (heeeey ladies)

i can sort of agree with this but also there's a limit, i think. on the one hand, yes, you want to be working toward being your best self and be comfortable with where you are in life. but, life is messy and i don't know how often this actually happens. in the case of getting fit, i think it's great to want to feel comfortable in your own skin and such...but i wouldn't wait to hit some magic number or size before starting to date. the fact is that, if you're taking care of yourself, that's a great quality that alot of people would be attracted to. but any girl/guy you'd want to be with, will like you regardless of your size. if a girl isn't into you at x weight but she is into you after you've lost xlbs...is that really someone you want to be with? of course, there are limits to these things and attraction does play a role so i won't be so blind to say it's an all or nothing sort of thing...just some thoughts

on a slightly different note, i always believed that i needed to be in a good place in my life before i could be good in a relationship. while i still believe that to be true somewhat, my boyfriend and i started dating at a really rought time in my life - i was getting over a guy i had dated on an off for years and then continued to "hang out" with for years after that and my self esteem had taken a serious hit because of it all. top it off that i was going through some medical issues and having panic attacks on a regular basis. suffice it to say i was a mess. but, somehow, it worked. i think it was because we took things slow and really focused on the friendship. he helped me improve my self esteem immeasurably, not because i had a boyfriend than that made me think i was the shit...but because he really listened and really helped me see that i am a good person and worthy of being loved.

[Daffy]

I know it sounds corny & dumb, but I've always just focused on being my best self and my love life has always just taken care of itself. By focusing on my own physical and mental health/abilities, when the right person came along in my life randomly, I was in a good place to act on the opportunity.

Basically I just try to be the type of person I'd be attracted to.