Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Countess D'If]

*pst!* 

 

*whisper* The great American baking show is streaming on ABC's website!!! Eeeeeee! 

[fleaball]

nooooo don't give me another thing to waste my time on. D:

[fleaball]

Dating/Flea is dumb rant ahead. And because I have to add disclaimers to everything: the aim of this is not to get people to feel bad for me and/or shower me with compliments to make me feel better about myself. It's mostly just thinking out loud, colored with a little extra negativity because of the current clusterfuck my life is turning out to be. Part of it could probably be considered TMI but I'm not sure anyone who frequents this thread really has any boundaries to speak of?

 

Spoiler

So recently I'd been musing on the fact that this time last year my therapist suggested I consider making an online dating profile over Christmas break. And then I did it (with the help of like 7 people). And nothing ever came of it. And then because she's apparently psychic she asked about it last week. We'd sort of agreed at the beginning of the semester that I'd probably be too busy and/or stressed out to attempt anything. So she asked, now that I've got 4 weeks with nothing to do, what am I going to do about social things? Go out and try to make friends and maybe go on a few dates? She still thinks I should go on dates with people I'm not super interested in just for practice or something, but that feels so disingenuous. I mean I'm not going to wait until I'm sure I've found my soulmate, but I'm also not about to go meet random people that I'm not remotely intrigued by for coffee just because? And honestly 97% of the guys on OKCupid and Tinder are dudebros or neckbeards or about as interesting and/or attractive as a cheese sandwich. The rest are looking for someone to run marathons with through the woods every weekend while discussing politics. (Fuck DC.) Oh, and there's the guy I just rejected who's clearly a senior citizen but said he's 28. And the girls are either the marathons and politics types, cheese sandwiches, or super queer radical feminists who want to bring down the patriarchy over a brunch created entirely from things they grew themselves and won't date anyone who isn't also a hardcore vegan. As much as I appreciate online dating because it means I don't have to actually talk to people, I don't think it's for me. I'm too judgmental and it's too easy to dismiss people. 

Honestly I think I have two, possibly three issues going on here. All related but also causing their own distinct problems.

 

1) Trust issues. Totally have them in general but especially in this case I assume anyone who's interested has an ulterior motive. I got a message the other day that just said "WOW you're so fucking gorgeous. So sexy." And it just made me mad because beyond the fact that it sounded like a doge meme, no. Just no. My main profile picture is one that I personally hate but everyone at the NYE party thought was great and I have nothing better to replace it with anyway, and my only other picture features my cat covering 90% of my face. And okay maybe that's not the best example because of course you get a ton of those messages on dating sites regardless. But even when people actually try to strike up a conversation I'm wondering what it is they actually want.

 

2) Mind-blowingly terrible self-esteem. The trust issues are probably a result of this and could even be this manifesting in a different way (because how can you not expect people to have an ulterior motive when you don't think you're worth the time?). But honestly I can't even fathom anyone wanting to date me. Hell I usually wonder why I even have friends, you all included. But really like, I'm not interesting. I spend my free time reading gay porn about two characters on a shitty genre show that should have ended several seasons ago. If I'm not doing that I'm on a fitness board complaining about being fat but not doing anything about it, or just complaining in general. My career plans are hazy at best and I don't really have discernible skills unless you count the languages I studied but haven't spoken in six years because I'm too lazy to keep up with them. I've been to some interesting places but didn't actually explore them as much as I should have. And most relevant to the dating conversation: I'm not attractive. Once upon a time maybe. I remember every once in a while I'd randomly catch myself in the mirror and be surprised to think I looked pretty even though I hadn't done anything special that day. But it's been a long fucking time since that happened. 

 

3) I've come to realize that I'm weird about sexuality. Not orientation; everything is a-okay on that front. (Although this does make me wonder again if I'm on the ace spectrum or if this is just some weird personal hangup.) But like, the concept of being sexual? For as much as I'm sex-positive and also actually do want to have sex, and despite the interesting things my browser history could tell you, I guess I don't really see myself as a sexual person? That's not exactly what I'm trying to say but this is really fucking hard to articulate. (I'm also cheating by writing it out here so when I bring it up at my next appointment I can just pull up this post on my phone.) Like as much as I would like another person to be involved, I also have a hard time imaging another person being involved. In a realistic/practical way. It's weird because I don't feel any of the super fun Catholic "sex is bad and you should feel bad about everything sex-related" bullshit. But I wonder if, because my parents certainly never talked about it and none of my friends really did either, if I missed a cue somewhere along the way. Or at least subconsciously I think I did. None of my close friends in high school ever dated anyone and most of my friends in college were single when I knew them so it's like there was no signal that like, "this is a thing that people are doing and it's totally a thing you can do too." Ugh that sounds like I'm waiting for permission, which I'm also not. Christ this is the stupidest fucking thing to try to explain because I don't even know what it is I'm trying to say. But yeah. There's a hangup here. I could probably keep talking in circles and not get anywhere so I'm just going to give up before I break things out of frustration. 

 

 

So earlier while I was thinking about how if I want to solve some of my issues I really need to get it together self esteem-wise and also find a fucking mantra like my therapist has been suggesting for months. (She actually was trying to get me to come up with my own but that totally hasn't been working out.) So I googled and found this motherfucker, which might be the most accurate thing I've ever read in my life. 

 

 

Also my fucking teabag says "Love yourself so that you may know how to live with self-respect." Okay, world. Enough of that.

[Owlet]

Good rant. Hope it helped unclutter your brain a bit (don't worry, there's more clutter waiting to fill the gap left behind I'm sure. haha) Identifying the hangups has got to be a good start though, right? Otherwise you don't know what you're fighting. In terms of 'why are people even interested?' I would say it's because you're not the "marathons and politics types, cheese sandwiches, or super queer radical feminists who want to bring down the patriarchy over a brunch created entirely from things they grew themselves and won't date anyone who isn't also a hardcore vegan". Lol. Just like you, not everyone wants to hang out with those people. Sounds like DC has more than its fair share though, ugh. 

 

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, Owlet said:

Good rant. Hope it helped unclutter your brain a bit (don't worry, there's more clutter waiting to fill the gap left behind I'm sure. haha) Identifying the hangups has got to be a good start though, right? Otherwise you don't know what you're fighting. In terms of 'why are people even interested?' I would say it's because you're not the "marathons and politics types, cheese sandwiches, or super queer radical feminists who want to bring down the patriarchy over a brunch created entirely from things they grew themselves and won't date anyone who isn't also a hardcore vegan". Lol. Just like you, not everyone wants to hang out with those people. Sounds like DC has more than its fair share though, ugh. 

 

Oh yeah. There's always clutter. And ugggggh I'm totally in the wrong city as someone who doesn't want to do politics 24/7. I have opinions and will totally discuss things with you but if we can't talk about anything else then just go away please. 

 

It's 12:30am and I suddenly can't remember if I put on deodorant this morning. This isn't relevant to anything you were saying but I'm sharing anyway.

[fleaball]

What the actual fuuuuuuck I was looking at a site for a particular social gathering and it said attendees must be "proportionate in height and weight." What a bunch of pretentious dickbags. You can fuck all the way off. Go directly to hell, do not collect $200.  Like, I'm not even offended on a personal level but if you're gonna be dick enough to say you don't want fat people at your thing, have the balls to say you don't want fat people at your thing. That's so fucking childish. 

[Countess D'If]

That is a brand new level of douchebaggery 

[Owlet]

Wow. I mean. Wow. WTF?! I blame Trump. Gross.

[Dagger]

21 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

That is a brand new level of douchebaggery 

I can only agree with this. Geez

[Sylvaa]

My thoughts on your rant:

 

Spoiler

1. I agree with your therapist. I mean, not to the point of making dates with people you have zero interest in, but like, how about someone that you have an interest in common with that wouldn't necessarily be "your first choice" (or maybe even your second!)? Or at least start some conversations with some of these people. Like, it is so hard to tell from a profile what the person will fully be like without some more personal interaction. So along with actually getting you out there, you might actually meet someone you find more interesting than you thought at first.

 

2. DC is so weird. People are either pretentious and vain or try their hardest to convince you they are the opposite. A co-worker of mine lives there and always used to complain about going to events and having it be one-upping with, "what do you do for a living?". But there really are normal people there! And you are super interesting! You've done all of this stuff that is really neat and you have passion for things (even if it is channeled into fan fic, it's still passion!). Also, you aren't unattractive. I have a picture of you which includes a dimple, which is like the coolest thing ever and I am super jealous because I don't have any. Also, I know you worry over your hair and it being thin, but I couldn't ever tell. And I mean, in general, a lot of attractiveness is fake it til you make it - so as long as you believe, that self-confidence will totally make you more attractive too. 

 

3. So stop thinking about dating as "looking for someone to have sex with" and start thinking about it as, "find someone that I want to connect with emotionally" or something else that will work for you. Like, if the sex part of dating is your hang up, take it out of the equation. I mean, this would also help you filter out a lot of people that aren't looking for meaningfulness in a relationship, so it's a win / win!

 

The bottom line is you are amazing, and you need to find a way to believe it dammit!

 

On 12/18/2016 at 3:09 AM, fleaball said:

What the actual fuuuuuuck I was looking at a site for a particular social gathering and it said attendees must be "proportionate in height and weight." What a bunch of pretentious dickbags. You can fuck all the way off. Go directly to hell, do not collect $200.  Like, I'm not even offended on a personal level but if you're gonna be dick enough to say you don't want fat people at your thing, have the balls to say you don't want fat people at your thing. That's so fucking childish. 

 

Oh this is too funny. I mean, your rant is amazing and I totally agree. But that is very misleading. According to proportions, I am an in the.... 98th percentile for height and only the 75th percentile for weight. I am not proportionate (I'd have to gain 50 pounds to get my weight proportionate to my height). 

[fleaball]

Will totally respond to @Sylvaa once i get to a computer. 

 

In the meantime, I'm still waiting for an official final grade in one claas but she's currently updating individual assignment grades in Blackboard and I got 48/48 on the paper I was worried about?? The only thing she hasn't updated yet is attendance/participation but I should have an A in the class so long as I get 66% for that. Whaaaaaat. I already got an A in the other class (that I wrote the paper for right before class on Monday). What the actual fuck. 

 

Honestly. I know I have zero confidence in what I write but I swear they must have low standards because at least one of these papers was a clusterfuck. But I'll take it. 

[Owlet]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Will totally respond to @Sylvaa once i get to a computer. 

 

In the meantime, I'm still waiting for an official final grade in one claas but she's currently updating individual assignment grades in Blackboard and I got 48/48 on the paper I was worried about?? The only thing she hasn't updated yet is attendance/participation but I should have an A in the class so long as I get 66% for that. Whaaaaaat. I already got an A in the other class (that I wrote the paper for right before class on Monday). What the actual fuck. 

 

Honestly. I know I have zero confidence in what I write but I swear they must have low standards because at least one of these papers was a clusterfuck. But I'll take it. 

Haha well, I for one, am not surprised in the least. You remind me of my friend at high school who always got super stressed about things but also ended up getting the top academic award. =P 

[fleaball]

Uggggh. I'm grocery shopping and a lady came up and asked for help getting food for her kids so I said I'd buy it for her. I know it's a good thing to do and I could use the karma but I'm also cursing myself for not having my headphones in like I usually do so people don't bother me. Also I realized I always feel anxious when helping people or giving them money? Which is weird. But whatever. 

 

Hopefully I get home soon and finish the post I didn't make yesterday. But hey in other news it took the financial aid office approximately five minutes to approve my loan after all the bullshit last week. 

[fleaball]

Asked my mother what to get her for Christmas and she said lounge pants that aren't fleece. I'm so disappointed that all the obnoxious prints were fleece. Because I am evil.

 

On 12/19/2016 at 0:08 PM, Sylvaa said:

My thoughts on your rant:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

1. I agree with your therapist. I mean, not to the point of making dates with people you have zero interest in, but like, how about someone that you have an interest in common with that wouldn't necessarily be "your first choice" (or maybe even your second!)? Or at least start some conversations with some of these people. Like, it is so hard to tell from a profile what the person will fully be like without some more personal interaction. So along with actually getting you out there, you might actually meet someone you find more interesting than you thought at first.

 

2. DC is so weird. People are either pretentious and vain or try their hardest to convince you they are the opposite. A co-worker of mine lives there and always used to complain about going to events and having it be one-upping with, "what do you do for a living?". But there really are normal people there! And you are super interesting! You've done all of this stuff that is really neat and you have passion for things (even if it is channeled into fan fic, it's still passion!). Also, you aren't unattractive. I have a picture of you which includes a dimple, which is like the coolest thing ever and I am super jealous because I don't have any. Also, I know you worry over your hair and it being thin, but I couldn't ever tell. And I mean, in general, a lot of attractiveness is fake it til you make it - so as long as you believe, that self-confidence will totally make you more attractive too. 

 

3. So stop thinking about dating as "looking for someone to have sex with" and start thinking about it as, "find someone that I want to connect with emotionally" or something else that will work for you. Like, if the sex part of dating is your hang up, take it out of the equation. I mean, this would also help you filter out a lot of people that aren't looking for meaningfulness in a relationship, so it's a win / win!

 

The bottom line is you are amazing, and you need to find a way to believe it dammit!

 

 

Oh this is too funny. I mean, your rant is amazing and I totally agree. But that is very misleading. According to proportions, I am an in the.... 98th percentile for height and only the 75th percentile for weight. I am not proportionate (I'd have to gain 50 pounds to get my weight proportionate to my height). 

Bleh, the spoilered part apparently doesn't quote. That's dumb. 

 

1. Yeah, I mean I see the utility of it. And I freely admit that I dismiss people very easily. As it happens, some girl sent me a message last night so I guess I'll reply and see where it goes. The whole concept of meeting people, even just to make friends, is so foreign to me. (Scratch that. Just replied. She has one photo and barely any information up but what the hell.)

 

2. People in my classes have complained about that too. You go to a bar and it's all "what do you do?" because on top of trying to one up and impress everyone there's also the underlying "are you connected/in a place to do something for me" kind of thing. My hair has actually gotten better and is growing back fine; it's just weird now because it's thicker and healthier at the top and thin and broken halfway down. Maybe less. I'm sort of over it now that the crisis has passed. Now if only there were a way to stop it from graying. I know I've done cool stuff but it's all in the past and I haven't done anything to build on it. That's one of my issues, I guess. I know being in grad school and now also working more or less full-time kind of eats away at "do cool stuff" time so it's sort of understandable. Argh, fuck. While I'm trying to write out exactly why I suck my brain just informed me that I have unreasonable expectations for myself. Which doesn't help me right this moment but apparently I'm internalizing things you and my therapist keep telling me. How inconvenient. 

 

3. Yikes, did it sound like I'm approaching this as "looking for someone to have sex with?" Not where I meant that to go. It's more like... idk. I mean yeah there's an underlying worry that at some point I'm going to be with someone and things will start going that way and then I get to stop and be like "hey btw I have no idea what I'm doing." Part of it I guess comes back to not having a frame of reference I guess? Like I know intellectually that people don't have sex every single time they go on a date. But in a lot of media it just seems like a lot of "oops we're strangers who made eye contact across a room and now we're kissing oh where did this bed come from?" And when my roommate was dating around for a while I'm pretty sure most ended as one night stands. Which I have nothing against but it's not the example I need right now. So it's sort of hard to separate dating and sex in my head at this point. Although you're right and I need to try. (Which sounds like a really obvious thing but clearly was not so obvious?)

 

Also yeah. Like we clearly know what they mean by "proportionate" (ie you need to be attractive and not fat) but I got really snarky in my head. Like where are you getting your data for what's proportionate? Because if we're going by BMI, at my height I should be 120-160. I would probably be emaciated at 120 but the last time I was 160 I felt like I still had plenty to lose. But both of those are "acceptable," senor dickbag. Your move. 

 

On 12/19/2016 at 4:51 PM, Owlet said:

Haha well, I for one, am not surprised in the least. You remind me of my friend at high school who always got super stressed about things but also ended up getting the top academic award. =P 

God I hope I don't sound like those people who are like "oh no I bombed that test! I only got a 97!" Because I am always legitimately concerned/convinced that I've actually fucked up. Even when I've resigned myself to "all I need is a 60 on this paper to get a B in the class" I somehow get to the point where I don't think I'll even get that 60. It might be that even though I write a half-decent paper they never usually wind up going in the direction I planned (due to lack of time, or not finding enough research for what I wanted to write, or the fact that I'm incapable of being succint and hit my page/word count before I've said all I wanted to, or sometimes I get a better idea halfway through and run with it) and therefore not what I planned to write = shitty paper? That's something that hadn't occured to me before. Thanks for prompting it lol. 

[fleaball]

Some guy messaged me and just asked "Sam or Dean?" Apparently Dean was the wrong answer. brb loling forever.

[Owlet]

I really want to reply but I'm on my phone so fuck that. Later though!

[fleaball]

10 minutes ago, Owlet said:

I really want to reply but I'm on my phone so fuck that. Later though!

lmao story of my life.

[Sylvaa]

14 hours ago, fleaball said:

Argh, fuck. While I'm trying to write out exactly why I suck my brain just informed me that I have unreasonable expectations for myself. Which doesn't help me right this moment but apparently I'm internalizing things you and my therapist keep telling me. How inconvenient. 

 

This totally made me laugh. 

 

1. Yay for replying to the girl! It's a step.

2. You are only one person. You don't have to be everything to everyone.

3. Remember that different people also have different needs / expectations when it comes to sex. This has to come into play somewhere in the whole thing, but where it does depends on you. And yeah, tv / movies / the internet gives us this unrealistic expectation that all everyone does is fall into bed with people when they first meet. It's so annoying. 

 

Just looked at the lowest end of healthy BMI for my height - it's 132 lbs. I would have to lose like 40 pounds to get there. Now, in general, I think people try to argue BMI too much (like, I know it's not perfect, but for normal people, it's not that bad) - but I don't think 132 would look very proportionate on me either. 

 

13 hours ago, fleaball said:

Some guy messaged me and just asked "Sam or Dean?" Apparently Dean was the wrong answer. brb loling forever.

 

Why do people want to make you choose? I want both. Together or separately. I'm not picky. 

[fleaball]

I'm never gonna get to cover the dating/etc issue with my therapist. D: Last week we wound up talking about several other things. Today we spent most of the appointment taking about how I fully expect to go home and be told my mother is dying and also (related but not) how I'm going to sit my parents down and tell them they need to get their shit together. My father has been a cop for over 30 years and doesn't have a will. She doesn't either. They're 59 and 61. To my knowledge neither of them has life insurance, but they do have a mortgage and other outstanding debts and the house will need work before it can be sold. My father still has my dead grandfather listed as the beneficiary on his retirement account. Whether one or both of them dies tomorrow or ten years from now, I am not putting my life on hold to sort out their shit, especially when I'll be in another state or possibly another country. My grandparents' estates were clusterfucks even though they all had wills and one of them had taken care of just about everything she could do while she was alive. 

 

Ugh. This makes me so angry. I've been on them about this for years and I'm not trying to be morbid about it but my mother's current health scare is bringing a renewed sense of urgency. I know no one wants to consider their own mortality but when you're older with several chronic health problems and/or a dangerous job you can't just stick your head in the sand. For fuck's sake, I got life insurance 4 years ago because my father cosigned a student loan and will be liable to pay it off if I die. I'm so tired of feeling like the only responsible adult in my family. (My brother will be useless in this entire conversation and honestly I fully expect him to kill himself whenever my mother dies so it's almost a moot point anyway.) 

 

There are going to be so many angry journals entries made this week. So many.  Apologies in advance if I wind up ranting here more than usual after I get there tomorrow. 

[fleaball]

4 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

This totally made me laugh. 

 

1. Yay for replying to the girl! It's a step.

2. You are only one person. You don't have to be everything to everyone.

3. Remember that different people also have different needs / expectations when it comes to sex. This has to come into play somewhere in the whole thing, but where it does depends on you. And yeah, tv / movies / the internet gives us this unrealistic expectation that all everyone does is fall into bed with people when they first meet. It's so annoying. 

 

Just looked at the lowest end of healthy BMI for my height - it's 132 lbs. I would have to lose like 40 pounds to get there. Now, in general, I think people try to argue BMI too much (like, I know it's not perfect, but for normal people, it's not that bad) - but I don't think 132 would look very proportionate on me either. 

 

 

Why do people want to make you choose? I want both. Together or separately. I'm not picky. 

How dare you keep giving me good advice. D:

 

Yeah no I totally disregard BMI but when people try to shove it at me I'm like, do I LOOK like I would survive at 120? Becasuse that's still a "healthy weight" for me. And suddenly they care a little bit less. 

 

There's totally a joke about having both, at least in my case. =P For reals though, I don't hate Sam but I'm 110% a Dean!girl. Also Cas. And honestly if someone asks me "Sam or Dean?" again I'm going to say Cas and see what happens. I don't know how into fandom any of these people are, but there are people on twitter and tumblr who have ~Opinions~ on which brother is better (Sam) and that Cas has been ruining the show for 8 years now and if you like him you clearly loathe Sam because Dean is only allowed to have a relationship with one person at a time an you're a terrible person. The internet scares me.

[fleaball]

This just in: one cider is enough to get you tipsy when you've forgotten to eat food and drink water for most of the day.

[fleaball]

I am hella anxious today. I've never been this nervous about traveling. When I got on the streetcar to the train station I was struggling to control my breathing. 

 

The super fun part is that it's not the travel itself. I mean I'm always a little anxious because there are so many things that can go wrong time-wise. But this is all because I don't know what's waiting for me when I land. I didn't want to go home in the first place. Have had no desire to do so in the 16 months since I moved here (except to grab a few paintings I forgot and look for my grandmother's wedding ring). Even though I could have said no to this trip I really couldn't say no. But now I'm dreading hearing that something is wrong with my mother. (And that brings on a whole new set of issues if it's true.) And I don't want to have to have the awkward as fuck conversation about "hey you're gonna die and you need to plan for that, thanks." And I don't want to have to spend a week sitting there pretending our entire family dynamic isn't completely fucked up and we all get along perfectly. 

 

Ugh. I'm gonna lock myself in my room with both the cats and never come out. 

[Sylvaa]

If you need someone to talk to through this whole thing, let me know! I don't always know the right answers, but I'm pretty good at translating the whole medical-speak thing. 

 

Also, locking yourself in a room with cats for a week sounds like an amazing use of the time at home.

[fleaball]

43 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

If you need someone to talk to through this whole thing, let me know! I don't always know the right answers, but I'm pretty good at translating the whole medical-speak thing. 

 

Also, locking yourself in a room with cats for a week sounds like an amazing use of the time at home.

Thanks! Right now the biggest issue is just the uncertainty of it all. Like I know having a biopsy doesn't automatically mean cancer. And even the blood clots may have been a fluke thing and there could be nothing else wrong with her. But the thing is I've asked about test results and if they know anything else and I'm not getting answers. Since they've withheld information in the past, that's what's worrying me the most. That, and the longest any of my grandparents lasted after being diagnosed with their respective cancers is 3 months. So even if my mother does have cancer she may have years left to live, but my only experience of it makes it hard to convince myself of that. 

 

In other news, I'm getting my hair and eyebrows done on Saturday so I might feel better once I resemble a human again. 

[fleaball]

There is a bacon cheeseburger and a beer on their way into my life. The beer might be a bad idea because again I am dehydrated and tired and haven't eaten much but whatever. 

 

Holy shit this beer is gigantic. Bad decisions ahead! (Photo on instagram because I needed to share my disbelief.)