Question for the parents with more than one child...

[scotticus]

How did things go when #2 arrived?

The reason that I ask is that my hunny and I recently learned that we have another little bun in the oven. Our (almost) 2 year old is awesome, but the thing is it's taken us until now to truly adjust to our new life as parents. I'm just looking for some perspective on how much of a change going from one child to two is, relatively speaking. Going into baby #1, we thought we had a good handle on how much of a change parenthood would be (i.e. we were not those "everything is going to awesome all the time" first-timers), but even then we grossly underestimated how crazy things could be.

Aside from the extra car seat, etc. is it brutal or what? Is grocery shopping really going to be double the fun that it is now, or is it just incremental?

Thanks!

[morethanjustamom]

Congratulations, that's awesome!!

Ok, down to business. Going from 1-2 IMO is easier than going from 2-3, because with 2 you're still not outnumbered yet.

A lot of the difference will be based on the temperament of your current child vs the new baby. Whatever personality your oldest has, be prepared for the exact opposite in your 2nd. We have 5 kiddos, and I'm still shocked that that many personality differences can come from only two parents.

As far as groceries and things go, since you're current child is young, you'll probably have two in diapers for a while, but food wise things shouldn't change much. Your wife will eat more, of course, and if she's planning to breastfeed that will continue until the baby is weaned, in which case the groceries will transfer from mom eating less and baby eating more.

If you have an opposite sex baby than your first you'll have to start all over with clothes, shoes, etc. but that's true of opposite season siblings as well.

Involve your older child as much as you can in the pregnancy...talking about "our" baby, etc.

For the first two years it will tough...two little kids is stressful, but also fun!

[Mama T]

i have no advice to offer, but just had to say CONGRATS!

[Book]

What I always tell people is, "Remember how much your life changed with your first child? It changes just as much to the second child." With the first one, you have to make a lot of sacrifices, but there is a huge jump to two, as well. It's a challenge, but such a wonderful one. Still... the shock of the change was still pretty surprising to me.

[scotticus]

Congratulations, that's awesome!!

Ok, down to business. Going from 1-2 IMO is easier than going from 2-3, because with 2 you're still not outnumbered yet.

A lot of the difference will be based on the temperament of your current child vs the new baby. Whatever personality your oldest has, be prepared for the exact opposite in your 2nd. We have 5 kiddos, and I'm still shocked that that many personality differences can come from only two parents.

As far as groceries and things go, since you're current child is young, you'll probably have two in diapers for a while, but food wise things shouldn't change much. Your wife will eat more, of course, and if she's planning to breastfeed that will continue until the baby is weaned, in which case the groceries will transfer from mom eating less and baby eating more.

If you have an opposite sex baby than your first you'll have to start all over with clothes, shoes, etc. but that's true of opposite season siblings as well.

Involve your older child as much as you can in the pregnancy...talking about "our" baby, etc.

For the first two years it will tough...two little kids is stressful, but also fun!

Temperment is somehwat of a concern. Number one, being a first and only child, has had the run of the house/parents. So she's a tad clingy and a bit high-maintenence. Could get interesting. In terms of groceries/whatnot, I was concerned more with the logistics (I have accepted that consumption levels will increase again). With number one, the days of the quick 5 minute errand ended. What I'm wondering is if the days of the "quick" 30 minute errand will arrive with #2...

Also, we're looking at an opposite season child. Hadn't even occurred to me that clothes would be backward in terms of seasons. We have lots of gender neutral clothes, but given how fast kids grow, we'll probably be pretty pooched there, too. It's good that I'm realizing this now, so BIG THANKS!

i have no advice to offer, but just had to say CONGRATS!

Thanks Mama T!

What I always tell people is, "Remember how much your life changed with your first child? It changes just as much to the second child." With the first one, you have to make a lot of sacrifices, but there is a huge jump to two, as well. It's a challenge, but such a wonderful one. Still... the shock of the change was still pretty surprising to me.

Awesome! I had my suspicions - this will help me to make the appropriate adjustments moving forward.

[jswbach]

I think the experience also depends on the age differences of your children. In my case, my son was 7 when I was very surprised to find myself preggo again! So I was totally unprepared, and this time a single mother, recently divorced. So totally different ball game. The good news is that my children turned out very similar in temperament, and I'm lucky to say they were very easy babies. Slept through the night almost from the beginning, very happy, no colic. I know I lucked out!

I was worried about how my son would take to it, since he had been an only child for 8 years when his sister was born, and pretty spoiled. But after an adjustment period of about 2 months, he's really amazing as a brother! What sucked for me was having to buy all the baby gear over again, but my friends really came through for me in donating a lot of gear and clothing. Other than diapers and formula, the grocery bill hasn't changed much. However, as a single mom, the amount of time I have to do the grocery shopping has changed! I will do almost anything to avoid taking both kids to the store. So I will shop on my lunch break once or twice a week, and even use Amazon Fresh to deliver groceries in a pinch. I end up at the grocery store with both kids only about once a month, and it's a 2-hour ordeal. (Keeping the boy from getting run over by other shoppers, and keeping the baby entertained, while trying to get everything on my list.)

All that being said, my daughter was an unexpected blessing, but now we can't imagine life without her! Best of luck to you :-)

[scotticus]

I will do almost anything to avoid taking both kids to the store.

Hahaha. This is gold. I can see this being the case in our house as well.

[morethanjustamom]

Absolutely don't take them both in the store together if you can avoid it!

I say that, but I take all five of mine with me, and we all manage to come home alive every time.

Make #1 into "Mommy's Helper". Firstborns are notorious overachievers (firstborn here), and seeing that she's helping mommy or daddy will stroke that firstborn ego and provide an extra set of hands for you guys too. Always good to have an eager child run to fetch a clean onesie or diaper when your hands are full.

[scotticus]

Make #1 into "Mommy's Helper". Firstborns are notorious overachievers (firstborn here), and seeing that she's helping mommy or daddy will stroke that firstborn ego and provide an extra set of hands for you guys too. Always good to have an eager child run to fetch a clean onesie or diaper when your hands are full.

Sweet. Kind of like a little minion. I like this...

[leighanne1941]

Our oldest was 4 when her baby sister came along. It was nice in that she was old enough to happily be the big sister without wanting to be the baby anymore. I pretty much agree with everything that the others have said. The baby is completely opposite in personality from her sister. It was definitely more work because, even though we weren't outnumbered, we still found it hard to take time for ourselves. Leaving one of us with both kids was hard to imagine until baby was around 1.

As for groceries, yeah it's a lot more. The baby will be two in April, the oldest turns 6 next week. They eat as much food as us most days. Bottomless pits :/ And we spend at least $50 a month on milk for just the kids.

[leighanne1941]

Oh and the best advice I ever got: At least once a day, let the older sibling hear you say to the younger sibling "Not now xxx, mommy/daddy needs to have time/help/be with yyy. You can have your turn when I am done." Obviously make this sound very much like what you would say to the older sibling when the baby is hungry/cranky/needs to be changed. The baby doesn't actually need to be fussing or looking for you. It's all about helping the older sibling realize that they aren't always #2.

[morethanjustamom]

Oh and the best advice I ever got: At least once a day, let the older sibling hear you say to the younger sibling "Not now xxx, mommy/daddy needs to have time/help/be with yyy. You can have your turn when I am done." Obviously make this sound very much like what you would say to the older sibling when the baby is hungry/cranky/needs to be changed. The baby doesn't actually need to be fussing or looking for you. It's all about helping the older sibling realize that they aren't always #2.

I love this!!

[knifeboots]

There is an almost 3 year age gap between my two (6 weeks shy of 3 years). The first two years of having both of them were rough, I won't lie. But when #1 was about 5, it started getting easier, because #1 could somewhat entertain himself (and go potty by himself) while we tended to #2. And it gets progressively "easier" as they get older, too, and more self-sufficient. My kids are now almost 5 and almost 8 (youngest turns 5 in a matter of weeks, which boggles my mind), and they even go outside and play with the neighbor's boy (who is 6) and don't need us hovering over them. I'll be honest though - I still go out of my way to shop without them. Trying to shop solo with two kids in single digit ages is, to me, the definition of futility.

GAH - mommy brain - CONGRATULATIONS! One thing about sibs, especially close-age sibs like yours will be - at least for a few years they can entertain each other (at least until older sib "outgrows" younger sib). Although, I have to say that in our case #2 often gets frustrated with #1 always wanting to do things together!

[oystergirl]

Congrats scott! I have two girls who ended up being almost exactly 3 years apart (b-days are 6 days apart!) I found it to be pretty simple really cause I was already set up for a baby and we just transitioned sam into a kid bed and got a new double stroller and car seat. I made sure to tell sam that she was my big helper and she REALLY did help! I agree, as observed with my sister and brother that having 3 is a much bigger change. You can share a hotel room with 2 kids but as they grow up 3 is more difficult. Best of luck and simply go with the flow!

[morethanjustamom]

Sweet. Kind of like a little minion. I like this...

Yeah, my husband says that's why we had kids...to do his bidding.

Expect to have to schedule 'alone time' with the wife after the baby comes along. After a full day(and night!) of changing and feeding baby, getting snacks and sippy cups for the older child, bathing, reading bedtime stories, tucking in...all you want to do is sleep! An evening date once a month and a 'runaway date' every few months will keep both of you from feeling like all you are is parents together.

[scotticus]

Some awesome advice here! The dates are somewhat of a concern already, largely because our families aren't as involved as we'd like (or in the ways that we'd prefer) due to geography etc. We made the decision not to leave our kids with a (non-family of very close friend) babysitter until they're a bit older. That said, we're in the process of establishing a date system with some friends, whereby we alternate date nights with child care so that both couples get a chance to go out with some regularity.

[shutterpillar]

I dont think you could ever be completely prepared for what having two kids will bring. Your newborn could be an angel, or he/she could be up all night with reflux problems... who knows. You prepare yourself the best you can, but the most you can do is wait and see.

My oldest was a little over a year old when we found out we were pregnant with #2. Our situation was completely different than most though, because our daughter had numerous health problems and was on a ventilator and was (and still is) fed via g-tube. She continued that way after our son (#2) was born. We knew she still had a long road ahead of her with illnesses, surgeries, etc. AND we were really young on top of it all. We knew this when we decided to try for #2, and we knew it would be hard. and it was, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. The birth of our son was SO beneficial to our daughter and I honestly with ALL of my heart believe that he helped her to develop and heal faster.

There was no way we could have ever been prepared for what another child would bring... he could even end up with the same birth defects as our daughter. but we knew we wanted that challenge if that was what God decided to hand us. Turned out, he was born completely healthy and to this day our kids are really great friends. They completely adore each other.

Everyone else has already given great information so all I can say is congrats and hang on for the ride. Prepare your daughter the best you can.... let her know that babies take up a lot of mommy and daddy's time, but that you will ALWAYS make time for her as well.

You will learn to adjust and balance your time with each child. It is harder in the beginning, but most things usually are.

[LRB]

Love the advice about making sure kiddo #1 knows when you are prioritizing him/her over kiddo #2. I do that still - except now I do it with both kids, and I do it explicitly.

As for the degree of change? I say, about our family, that Daughter the Elder made us parents, Daughter the Younger made us a family. The addition of one more child (while we can still run a man-on-man defense, rather than a zone defense) was an incremental change compared to the life-upheaval that the birth of our first child brought. It also helped that our second child was super-easy (until she hit about 4 years old, at which point she found her backbone and strong-will and became absolutely unstoppable, and I love her for it and wouldn't have her any other way).

Years down the road, it will seem that 2 must be harder than 1 because you're not only parenting each of them, but also the relationship between them. But that won't happen for a while.

CONGRATULATIONS!

[knifeboots]

Love the advice about making sure kiddo #1 knows when you are prioritizing him/her over kiddo #2. I do that still - except now I do it with both kids, and I do it explicitly.

As for the degree of change? I say, about our family, that Daughter the Elder made us parents, Daughter the Younger made us a family. The addition of one more child (while we can still run a man-on-man defense, rather than a zone defense) was an incremental change compared to the life-upheaval that the birth of our first child brought. It also helped that our second child was super-easy (until she hit about 4 years old, at which point she found her backbone and strong-will and became absolutely unstoppable, and I love her for it and wouldn't have her any other way).

Years down the road, it will seem that 2 must be harder than 1 because you're not only parenting each of them, but also the relationship between them. But that won't happen for a while.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Your second child and my second child sound a lot alike. #2 was a far easier baby than #1 in so many ways, but he has a will of IRON and cannot be swayed. Such a different personality from #1, who hates to play by himself and is much more of a pleaser, whereas #2 is fiercely individualistic.

Also, your description of man defense vs. zone defense is one oft-used in our household. Though zone (1 parent, 2 kids) is markedly easier now that they are older, I have to say. It was hell when #2 was a baby.

[Waldo]

Congrats man!

While I have little to add to this thread, it is full of great advice. We just started working on #2, but don't have a + yet. #1 is just about to turn 1. #1 took 4 years though, so it might be a while.

At least #1....well, we've been told plenty that he seems like the easiest to care for kid that people have ever seen. I'm sure some of it is being nice, but we really have no horror stories.

[morethanjustamom]

LRB, love the man-to-man vs zone defense analogy here...we definitely run ZONE coverage in our house...girls or boys, bigs or littles!

[Book]

And by the way... especially as they get older, having more than one can actually make things easier. They entertain each other. *That* has been a huge lifesaver for us.

[wildross]

All good advice. With our 5, the largest age gap is 25 months, so we were pretty good at managing bunches (I think). There's a total of 6 years and 3 months from oldest to youngest.

The comment about possible different personalities is spot on. Just cause #1 is hard/easy/etc means nothing about #2.

Best advice we got...don't laugh at something at age (whatever) that won't be funny when they are 10, 16, 18. As much as you can help it. Second best advice was from my mom (which she used with me). NEVER buy anything in a store, especially in the check out line, that a child asks for. Always be ready to walk away from the full cart to make a point (we only had to do it once or twice). Good manners are taught.

My wife and I both took all 5 with us a lot, including to the grocery store. We probably looked like drill sargeants with a bunch of AWOL's at times, but it worked. Never lost any, though we did leave a one behind (for short periods, by accident) once or twice..

For us, #3 was the real change..need a bigger car, more bedrooms, better discipline (zone defense..great analogy), more organization. If you have any thought that you will go past 2, then plan and train/raise your first two with that in mind. Trying to "rachet up" the discipline/obedience later is not a good strategy.

We never had any real sibling rivalry issues, but we were also in an environment with many large families, and I think the 'herd' of children of all ages helped a lot. Plus my wife is a fantastic mother.

[morethanjustamom]

All good advice. With our 5, the largest age gap is 25 months, so we were pretty good at managing bunches (I think). There's a total of 6 years and 3 months from oldest to youngest.

The comment about possible different personalities is spot on. Just cause #1 is hard/easy/etc means nothing about #2.

Best advice we got...don't laugh at something at age (whatever) that won't be funny when they are 10, 16, 18. As much as you can help it. Second best advice was from my mom (which she used with me). NEVER buy anything in a store, especially in the check out line, that a child asks for. Always be ready to walk away from the full cart to make a point (we only had to do it once or twice). Good manners are taught.

My wife and I both took all 5 with us a lot, including to the grocery store. We probably looked like drill sargeants with a bunch of AWOL's at times, but it worked. Never lost any, though we did leave a one behind (for short periods, by accident) once or twice..

For us, #3 was the real change..need a bigger car, more bedrooms, better discipline (zone defense..great analogy), more organization. If you have any thought that you will go past 2, then plan and train/raise your first two with that in mind. Trying to "rachet up" the discipline/obedience later is not a good strategy.

We never had any real sibling rivalry issues, but we were also in an environment with many large families, and I think the 'herd' of children of all ages helped a lot. Plus my wife is a fantastic mother.

This is almost our exact parenting philosophy word for word! After three, everything is about crowd control, so you gotta get your bluff in early!

And wow! 5 in just over 6 years!!

[scotticus]

Thanks all - keep it coming! Encouragement AND strategies FTW!