noxiousGnome resets his game.. Back to the Tutorial

[noxiousGnome]

My last challenge I did was suppose to be one about finding a balance within myself, to reduce my anger. The end results was that I was posting things were going... well ok. but I wasn't truly being honest entirely it seems. I was hitting 2 of my goals with ease, but I was not actually reducing my anger in the end... I was bottling it up. I only realize this now because of an argument my wife and I had the other night. It reminded me of how ugly and angry I can be. Something I was trying to strive all challenge to remove and it wasn't until just last night that I realized that my challenge was a massive flop. I didn't try hard enough to remove the anger, instead all I did was resist the urge to get angry.

 

I need to take a few steps back and get back to basics. I got some super scary news this past November and I think it is what spurred last challenge's attempt. But last challenge wasn't done in the vein it should've been. I was trying to remove a stress inducer but instead I just made it worse. I have not been keeping up with my health at all in the fashion I should (and can) and that isn't helping the stress inducers either.

 

I was looking at my goals and they were not clear, much like user story requirements being brought down by business that are not clear enough to code against, they need to be returned back and updated. There are too many questions, too much uncertainty... I never did that push back with my goals. I just... I just sat there and went with them, blindly. Almost like at autopilot. And the results are what I mentioned above.

 

Since I started my journey (off and on over the last few years) on NF I learned a few things.. Quite a few things that were amazingly helpful and I want to return to them:

 

1. I do enjoy running -- some conditions are better than others

2. I do enjoy a variety of vegetables, but there are still many more I have not tried or just do not like and want to revisit them in a different way

3. I can stop eating junk food, I did it for quite a while before and I will/can do it again. -- See number 3 below as well.

4. I do like free weights, deadlifts are my friends lol

5. I was using my exercise time to unwind and take all the stresses away, they were the time I was using to reduce all these angry thoughts I would store away during the work day.

6. I cannot take on more than one or two challenge goals without getting stressed out.

 

I also learned a bunch of things that are no bueno, but I can fight them.

 

1. I am quick to anger, but not quick to speak my emotions.

2. I can't just sit there and meditate or calm my body. I learned that.

3. I am easily susceptible to returning to the dark side caloric intake. (read junk food)

4. I am quick to excuses and being defensive instead of taking ownership and taking criticisms and comments appropriately.

5. I very much enjoy being lazy. Like super duper lazy.

6. I get into periods of time that all I do is... Collect Underpants. I get overwhelmed with researching my challenge and how to work them instead of actually doing them.

 

Over the past few years I have learned things about myself that show I have changed my ways before, or things that use to work no longer do.

 

1. When we go out to get groceries, I actually pick up vegetables and some fruit (fruit just isn't something that interests me a ton) from the produce section. It is amazing cause I use to just go and buy the same assortment over and over again from the freezer section and be okay with that. I still do pick up stables from the frozen section, but I do love my fresh veggies now.

2. To-do lists use to work for me... And they still kind of do... But to be truthful, they aren't as helpful as they use to be. I use to be able to have a to-do list for the whole day every day, work/personal/house chores/etc. And I was good at seeing the tasks and doing them. Now I write the stuff down and only a few of them are getting done, and it is stuff that is ingrained already: dishes, laundry, garbage. I do use something of a to do list at work. i work in software and we are using a form of Agile: User Stories, Tasks, and Bugs are all used. However, those tasks and stories might involve me doing a laundry list of items that need to be accomplished for that one task to be completed and so I do write a list down so I do not forget them. Like a list of stores that need help with something (a recent example) and I leave notes on that list: the issue, how I resolved it, their timezone (important info to know). But that is the extent of the kinds of lists I use anymore.

 

I have tried to turn my process of thinking in regards to how I used to-do lists to my google calendar. And allotting time slots for specific items, and it has worked... Well for the most part. But I am not quite to the point where things are either fully ingrained in routine yet or I am still forgetting a lot of things (or just plain ignoring them). This setup has worked... better, but there is still room there to learn and work with. This is a journey I will need to accomplish.

3. If ya can't tell I am insanely forgetful. Like seriously. A good example is what happened yesterday. Yesterday morning my wife and I were talking about things that needed to be done. She needed to pay for something and I was going to do it for her as I had the money available. Rent is also do. Instead of doing what I should've done (waited until she got home, went and got the money orders, etc) I completely spaced on the whole conversation and when I got home last night I paid rent as I have done for the last nearly 6 months or so.. I went online and did it electronically. It is a habit and one I needed to break just once and didn't. Now I gotta go see if I can figure this out and get it fixed. (which I am doing right now actually)

 

So yeah I am going to work towards improving myself one step at a time again, a true respawning. My health, my relationship, my family are all on the line for different reasons.