LadyWitch

Didn’t make it to the gym this morning. I was awake most of the night due to my aching muscles, to the point where I got up at midnight to take pain killers. I just couldn’t bring myself to get up when my alarm went off at 5.15am. If I’m feeling less zombie-fied later, I may go this evening as my hubby is gaming tonight, otherwise I’ll just have a relaxed ‘pamper’ evening and try to go to the gym tomorrow morning, so that I get in my third strength workout for the week. Or I may try and do a bodyweight workout at home… I don’t want to over-do things, as I have my first burlesque show on Sunday, but I need to keep that momentum going. Work is sooooo boring. I’m a construction administrator for a house building company, and I am bored every single day. I hate it. I went to uni to get away from working an admin job, and it was a complete waste of time. I landed straight back in admin, and feel like I’m drowning in it. I know I have the long term plan of Personal Trainer/Burlesque Superstar, but that’s at least three months off, if not longer (depending on when/if I can get a job in a gym.) Everyone keeps reminded me of the money, and yes, this is the best paid admin job I’ve ever had… But money isn’t everything and the thought of being chained to this (or any other) desk for the rest of my working life, which seems to be what’s ‘expected’, fills me with horror. I know some people are happy working in an office, and my hubby at least, seems to be under the impression that this is just how life is… You work to pay for the stuff you need/want to do, and then don’t have the time or energy to actually do anything. Why do I have to spend my life miserable and stuck indoors making work for other people, when I could be outside DOING THINGS! I’ve spend most of my life terrified of hurting my back, or being noticed/abused/hurt by people, that I’ve let myself be forced into the hole that society deems ‘appropriate’… But I’m not that person. I don’t want to be that person. And yes I know change takes time, I have to qualify as a PT before I can get a job as one… And even when I do, I’ll be the bottom rung of a very long ladder, but at least it’ll be a ladder I want to climb. I just don’t know how to deal with the daily mind-numbing boredom in the meantime. Combine that with depression/anxiety and work is the absolute last place I want to be. If I weren’t here as a long-term temp (maternity cover) I’d just go to my doc and get signed off for a bit. But they’d probably just terminate my contract and find someone else to fill the hole… *sigh* Guess I’m just in a whinging mood today…

The dance practice went well. Was practicing my Fawn routine, and I found myself really enjoying it. By the time the hour was up, I was saturated with sweat, my legs were shaking, and I had performed the full routine (It’s over 5 minutes long) 5-6 times. I then had just enough time at the end to do a run through of my Angel routine, which went a hell of a lot better than last weeks… It wasn’t in costume, so not perfect, but still good to get through it without forgetting what I’m supposed to be doing Have another practice on Monday, before the show on Tuesday, so have time to get the Angel routine down. Made it to the gym again this morning. Managed to do my scheduled workout (despite leaving my sports bra at work), and now feel both very very achy and very very tired. It’s lunch time, and all I want to do is have a nap under my desk. I know it’ll take a week or so for my body to get back into the habit of working out, and that until then my muscles will protest loudly and my energy levels will fluctuate wildly, but expecting it, and dealing with it are two very different things. Having the dance practice on top of re-starting the gym, and I’ve been trying to walk more, is probably not the best way of doing things… But I’m something of an ‘all or nothing’ kind of person, especially when it comes to physical activity. As long as I can keep the momentum going, I’ll be fine. But if I stop, then I’m stopped. Which is what happened when I got the flu a month ago. I really don’t want to do my lunch time study session today… As I said, I’d like to have a nap, but the studying is more important. I have than 6 weeks until the practical element of the course starts, and I need to have the theory stuff mostly complete by then. Preferably, I’ll have it all done, and then just have to revise for the various exams… So… Off to study I go…

Thank you Sylvaa! You'd be amazed at how many people will attack you for that decision. It's hard to constantly have to explain yourself. Why can't people just butt out of other peoples lives?! Grrrrr. As for the counselling, that what I'm going to do next time. I don't have many 'free' sessions left, so can't decide if she's just forgetful, or if she's trying to drag it on long enough that I have to start paying for them. Don't have a session next week, she's away and I have a burlesque show, so I don't mind missing one at all!

I got up at 5.15am. I went to the gym. I did my strength workout. I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I even hauled my burlesque kit in its suitcase to the gym, and then on to work. I have a pounding headache, which I’m fairly sure is my body going ‘WTF?! I thought we were done with this crap!’ but other than that, I’m feeling pretty good. My legs ache from the goblet squats, and I’m sure it’ll be worse tomorrow, but I’m not going to let that or the headache stop me from my dance practice tonight. I NEED that practice! I went to my counselling session, and still don’t feel like any progress is being made. We talked mostly about the screwed up family dynamic, and how it was made very clear to me early on, that I was the lowest in the pecking order. Maybe that’s part of the reason I didn’t tell anyone when my brother started to abuse me. He has always been my mum’s favourite, and could never do anything wrong in her eyes. *sigh* I think the counsellor thinks I’m nuts for not cutting all ties to my family, and I know that I’ve essentially been conditioned to always put them first, but I can’t just sever all connection to them. If nothing else, that ‘betrayal’ would probably kill my mum, her health is so dodgy. *double sigh* It would be almost easier if she did, as bad as that sounds. Then I wouldn’t have to keep up the pretence of civility every time my brothers name comes up. Anyway… My weight is officially under the 14 stone mark, for the first time since March. Only by 1 lb, but it still counts! 3 more lb and I’ll be a stone down from my heaviest. Not bad considering I’ve barely worked out in the last month. I guess its true what Steve says… You can’t outrun your fork.

Didn’t make it to the gym today. My alarm went off, and I told myself I’d get up in a minute, next thing I know, my husband’s alarm is going off 1 ½ hours later *sigh*. I WILL get back into going regularly. Trying to work out the logistics of doing so tomorrow. I have a burlesque practice straight after work, so I need to take my costume with me to work. That means a small suitcase. If I also go to the gym, my rucksack will be filled with my gym kit, and I’ll need to find somewhere safe to stash the suitcase while I’m in the gym (I’m fairly sure it wont fit into my locker). But I’m sure I’ll manage, assuming I can get myself out of bed at 5am! I listened through all my burlesque routine music last night, and I think I’m starting to remember the routines ok. I deliberately choreograph most of my routines to be more free-form than specific dance steps, so no two performances are the same. That does make it easier to remember than having a specific routine to learn. I have certain points in the music where I know I’m removing an item of clothing, but other than that, it’s a case of doing what I feel like doing on the day. Hopefully, I won’t make a fool of myself next week! I then have a couple of weeks to re-choreo my Alice in Wonderland routine, before my two shows at the start of October. Then another 2 week gap to create a completely new routine… And I have to do all of this on top of studying for the PT course! I have counselling tonight. I’ve only got another 7 weeks or so to go (out of 24), but I don’t feel like we’ve actually DONE anything. All its really done is rip open the wounds and pour salt on them. She keeps talking about how ‘next week we’ll work on X’ and then that week comes around and we don’t work on X. I’m tempted to just not go any more, but I told myself when I started that I would see the course through, and knowing my luck, I’d miss the session where she actually wanted me to do something specific… I have so many other things to do, that I begrudge the time it takes. The appointment is only 50 minutes long, but by the time I’ve walked there and then walked home afterwards it’s the better part of 3 hours. 3 hours I could be using for dance practice, or costume creation, or spending time with my husband. Hell there are literally a dozen other things I NEED to be doing, and just don’t have the time for. I know it’s all a matter of making things a priority, but what do you do when EVERYTHING is a priority?!

Had a mixed weekend. Went to visit my mum and uncle on Saturday. It wasn’t as bad as I expected, but only because my uncle hadn’t told my mum about me visiting my dad. Which made things a little awkward, especially when I started to pack up his iMac and other bits that he asked me to get for him. But I managed to escape without any major confrontations. Not sure if that’s necessarily a good thing… I’ve also informed them that I’m going to be manically busy for the rest of the year due to the PT course, so I’ve at least gotten out of visiting them again until Christmas. My friend who gave me a lift, and helped me load all the stuff for my dad, then offered to do a run down to him to drop everything off. So that’s what we did Sunday… a 600+ mile round trip, from Nottingham to Cornwall. We left my house at 5.30am and she dropped me off back at mine at 8.30pm. We spend a couple of hours with my dad, having Sunday lunch, but the rest of the time was on the road. We had to stop a couple of times on the way down, and three on the way back, but it was still a slog. Didn’t managed to stick very well to my macros, and didn’t hit 10k steps, but I did survive, and it was nice to see dad again, however briefly. My husband had a hot bath ready for me when I got home, and I slept like the dead. My alarm went off at 5am, and I ignored it. Instead I got up at 6.30 when K got up, and was in the gym for 7.15am. My first day in the gym for a month, and I was exhausted. I didn’t do my planned strength workout, instead I walked on a treadmill for 15 mins, and then did 20 mins of stretching. I didn’t have time for anything more than that, as I had a doctors appointment at 9.20. Will do my full workout tomorrow morning. But I’m proud of myself for going. The doctor has ordered a blood test, or rather, I asked to have my thyroid tested again, and she agreed. I don’t think she expects it to show anything. I could almost see the words over her head ‘All the symptoms she’s told me about are probably caused by her depression’ but at least she didn’t say no. I’ve also asked to be referred to get sterilized. I have no kids, and don’t want any. Getting pregnant is about the worst thing that could happen to me. I actually expected her to say no, or to argue the point. But she didn’t. She agreed to refer me, and I should get a letter in a couple of weeks. I’m actually shocked. I’ve heard so many times over the years that they’ll only consider you for sterilization if you’ve already got children, or if you’re over 50, so I went in expecting to have to start a process, where I’d keep asking and they’d say no for the next 5-10 years… Of course the surgeon may still refuse, or the counsellor that I’m sure they’ll refer me to. But at least I’ve taken that step. I dislike children as a whole, I’ve only met a couple that I could tolerate for more than a couple of minutes. I didn’t like kids even when I WAS one. The thought of having one horrifies and terrifies me. I don’t have a single maternal bone in my body, and I’ve always said that I would get an abortion if I ever did get pregnant. That may sound horrible to some people. It probably makes me sound like a monster. But there are so many genetic conditions in my family, that the last thing I’d want is to pass any of it on. I was also sexually abused for years by my own brother, so I know just how dangerous and nasty the world is. Why would I want to bring a helpless child into any of that? Especially with me as its mother? My husband, thankfully, doesn’t want kids either, although tbh, if he did, he’d have to look elsewhere. Its my body, and no one gets to make a decision like this for me. I know it’s a permanent option, and that’s the point. Every time I change form of contraception, I find myself wishing for a better option. Instead I’ve been pumping my body full of artificial hormones since I was 11 years old. I don’t think I’ve had a natural period since then. God knows what affect that has had on my weight, overall health, and depression, but I want to stop. But without the fear of getting pregnant. So… Sterilization it is. Now I just need to convince the surgeon et al, that this isn’t just the depression speaking. Anyhow, I’m struggling to concentrate at work. I’m tired, I’m stressed, and I have less than a week till my first burlesque show in nearly a year. I’ve not had chance to practice. I’ve barely even listened to the music. I can’t remember the steps. I’m a hairs breath from cancelling all of them, and pretending that I never agreed. But I wont. I love performing. I get such a boost from it, mentally, and I always feel so body-confident when I get off of stage (even if the routine goes wrong!). I KNOW that it wont go as bad as my brain is telling me. And I still have time to practice. *Sigh* I just want to be fit and healthy, and as confident as I was three years ago.

Well, so far this challenge has been a total bust. I’ve not made it to the gym, AT ALL. I had two weekends in a row where I was away, so my macro targets were WAY off. Other than a fair bit of walking, I’ve done very little other activity. The only goals I’m following through with are my promotion of my burlesque persona and my studying. I’ve managed to book 5-6 performances starting on the 11th September, and last one being 21st October… And I’m sooooo not ready. I’ve not performed since last November, and I’ve gained enough weight since then that my costumes barely fit. I had a two hour session in a dance studio last night, to run through my routine for the 13th, and didn’t get it right once. Feeling very fat and unfit today. And to make it worse, my back has started playing up. Which is directly connected to my lack of exercise. My weight has remained stable, at 194lb, but that’s more by luck than judgement. My depression is getting worse again (also directly correlates with my lack of exercise) and my counselling sessions are getting brutal. I only have another 8 sessions, and I’m dreading every one of them. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there. I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday, and have a whole long list of things I need to talk about, but I can guarantee I’ll get in there and just start crying. I’m supposed to be going to visit my mum and uncle tomorrow, and that’s the absolute LAST thing I want to do. I haven’t been over since my dad left in May, but because I went to visit him last weekend, I HAVE to visit them this weekend. It’s becoming clear from my therapy that my feelings towards my mum are far stronger and more negative than I’ve let myself believe, and I want to do what my dad did, and just walk away. She phoned and left me a voicemail the other day, and just listening to it triggered a full blown anxiety attack. I’m going to go tomorrow so I can pick up a few bits my dad had to leave behind, but I’m expected a confrontation, and actually hope it happens, so that I can finally burn that bridge and move on. Family are supposed to support you and lift you up, mine have always dragged me down and tried to drown me in their own issues. I’ve been abused by them, in one form or another, my entire life, and I wish I didn’t care and could just cut all contact, but I DO still care, I don’t want to upset them or make them angry with me… Which is also part of the mental conditioning/bulling I’ve had to deal with over the years. But they’ve never worried about upsetting me, and have always guilt-tripped me into doing what they want. Tomorrow that ends, one way or another. I have a friend giving me a lift, so that I have an escape vehicle on hand, and will probably spend the rest of the evening balling my eyes out. It’s going to be nasty, but wounds need to be lanced before they can heal. I’m giving myself the weekend to deal with all the crap. To be compassionate with myself and administer some much needed self-care. Then on Monday I will do a mini-respawn. I’ll get up and go to the gym, then go to the doctors. And then I’m going to refocus on what is important in my life. Performing. Studying to pass my PT course. My husband and the friends I consider ‘family’. I’ll use the last couple of weeks of this challenge to get myself back on track as much as possible. And try and get myself in a better place to start the next challenge, and the practical element of my PT course.

Well, my workout goals aren’t going great this week. I started developing a sore throat and cough on Sunday, and its steadily gotten worse. I was going to force myself to go to the gym this morning, but my husband called me out on it. We’re away Fri-Mon at an event in Manchester, and the last thing I want is to be too ill to enjoy myself, so instead of wrecking myself at the gym and making myself worse, I am giving myself a couple of days of rest, in the hopes that the worst of the bug will be gone by Friday. Besides, I still have a ton of sewing to get done, and outfits to plan! I’ll be back in the gym Monday afternoon or Tuesday morning, depending on what time we get home. My fuel has been going well, so far. I’m anticipating my macro’s being way off over the weekend, as I have no idea what/where we’ll be eating, but so far this week I’ve been on point. It’s amazing what planning ahead can do! I’ve been reading through my first couple of challenge threads here on NF, and it makes for quite depressing reading. I was down to my lightest ever weight in challenge 2, I was doing the beginners bodyweight workout three times a week, plus two separate dance classes, and walking and running on top of that. It was the run up to my wedding, and I had sooooo much to do, and I was killing it all like a boss… A far cry from now. I haven’t danced since last November (this will be rectified as soon as I get home from Manchester as I have a show looming), I’ve regained 3 stone, that I had worked so hard to lose the first time. I was paleo, and loving it (mostly) and was generally feeling good about myself, which is pretty much the opposite of how I feel now. I know the only person I should be comparing myself with, is myself, but when the me three(?) years ago was so much fitter/healthier than the me now, it gets depressing. Physically, I’m probably better now, at least as far as my back goes, but I still can’t run for more than a 60 seconds, had apparently managed a chin-up, which I’d completely forgotten about and definitely can’t do now, and was doing so many fun things I didn’t have time to get bored. *sigh* I know that I can get back to that place, physically and mentally, but it’s draining to think of where I could’ve been if I hadn’t fallen so far off the wagon. I was also far better at supporting my fellow nerds on their threads… So many of my supporters from those days have disappeared completely, and I find it really hard to make new digi-friends I’m much better at that sort of thing in person! I constantly tell myself that I’m going to do better, spend a few minutes each day on the forums, but then its suddenly the end of the challenge and I realise I’ve not looked in on anyone I guess the fact that I’m still here at all is a win… I’m still trying, I’m making positive steps to get back to where I was, and I’m determined that this time the changes will be permanent and I won’t ever find myself back at 200lb or more… Not unless its solid muscle!

Just started my new challenge here

I've just been through and added all of my previous challenges to my sig... I didn't realise that this is my 20th challenge! Bloody hell! didn't realised I'd done that many. And its quite depressing reading through my first one, and realising that I'm now worse off than I was when I started but oh well, onwards and upwards!

I’ve been following the ETP plan since 20th July, and finally started shifting some of the body fat. My weight has gone down, but not a huge amount, but I’m definitely getting stronger! This is my focus for this month. Eat my macro targets, lift heavy things and move more on non-lifting days. That covers my first three goals for this challenge. My next goal is to spend time promoting myself as a burlesque performer. I’ve been doing burlesque for 5 years now, but due to the low number of shows I’ve performed at, I still consider myself a ‘beginner’… Which I’m not. I need to start getting myself out there. That means applying for more shows, engaging with FB/Twitter/Instagram more, choreographing new routines and getting them filmed/photo’d for my portfolio. I’ve asked a friend to help me build a proper website, so I want to work on that as well. I need to be doing the things I love, and burlesque is one of them. To that end, I have my first show since last November, booked for the 13th September, in London… I can’t wait to get back on stage! I also have two competitions lined up, one on the 8th October in Birmingham, and then on the 21st October here in Nottingham. I want to have a new routine to perform at the Nottingham comp! My last goal is studying for my PT course. This has fallen a bit behind, due to being ill last challenge, so I need to get up to date and then preferably, get ahead of where I’m supposed to be. My plan is to start using my lunch breaks at work (again) to study, which leaves the evenings free for burlesque related stuff. The PT course starts during the next challenge, so I’m very much aware of how far I still have to go. Goals: 1: Meet macro targets 5/7 days 2: Workout 3x a week 3: Do something else in the gym 2x a week (stretching, running, swimming etc) 4. Spend an hour each week promoting Mercy Bites. 5: Spend at least 2 hours each week studying for the PT course. Current measurements: Weight: 14st 0 lb Chest: 41 in Waist: 34.5in Hips: 45 in R Thigh: 27 in L Thigh: 27 in R Bicep: 13.5 in L Bicep: 13 in

Thanks Michi! I'm still fighting the summer bugs, there seem to be a lot going around here atm. I now have one show and two competitions booked! Need to get this weekend away over with, then I can start practicing for my triumphant return to the stage!

Starting/Current measurements: Weight: 14 st 4 lb / 14st 0 lb Chest: 41 in / 41 in Waist: 35 in / 34.5in Hips: 45.5 in / 45 in R Thigh: 27.5 in / 27 in L Thigh: 27 in / 27 in R Bicep: 13.5 in / 13.5 in L Bicep: 13.5 in / 13 in 4lb lost, not horrendous, considering how little movement on the scales I’ve had over the last 6 months. At least things are moving in the right direction, and slow and sustainable is better than fast and unsustainable. New thread will be going up in a soon. Lots of fun stuff to come… The hard part will be sticking to my plans while still enjoying myself!

Well… I disappeared for a bit. That’s because I came down with flu last week, and didn’t have the energy for anything. I was off work for three and a half days, and slept most of that time. It completely threw my eating plan and workout schedule off, and I was incredibly frustrated and angry about the whole thing. BUT, I got straight back on the wagon this week. Hit my macro numbers every day since Monday, been to the gym twice, and made a start at re-launching my alter-ego Mercy Bites into the burlesque industry. (I have a show booked for September 13th in London! My first since November last year.) So things are starting to progress. I’ve already got my goals for the next challenge planned, and I hope to keep increasing strength while swapping out fat for muscle. I don’t really mind if my weight stays the same, as long as my body fat % goes down! GIVE ME ALL THE MUSCLES!!! (that being said, I can barely lift my cup of tea, my arms ache so much!)

If I encounter him again I'm going to take his photo and send it to the police. My local force are now treated misogyny as a hate crime, so might be able to get him arrested for it. As for getting someone to walk with me, it's not really possible, this is at 6.15am not many ppl around at that time, which is why I was so shocked to encounter him. Hopefully the slightly earlier gym time will free me of him Better news, I've lost 5lb in two weeks! Not really 'official' till Monday's weigh in, but it's the first time the scales have dropped below 14stone in 6 months