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Showing results for tags 'self-worth'.
So what is this about you might ask? Well, I'll tell you! Just take a seat, this could take a while.... It all started back about 10 years ago. I was in high school and just getting to figuring out who the hell I was. I met this really cute guy and got infatuated. I even invited him to go to prom with me but he declined, said he wasn't interested in going. I was sad but not heartbroken and found another dude to go with. And oh boy...was that ever a disaster! Fast forward a few years and I meat this boy again but now via my boyfriend. He is funny and sweet and nerdy, just like me. And I liked him. A lot. But since I had a guy already and was happy (not really, I just told myself this...idiot teenager...) I never thought more about it. Instead things changed and me and this guy started hanging out like friends and that was just fine. Until one night when he was drunk and it slipped out, when we were alone, that he had liked me since high school and regretted so badly turning me down for prom. I had no idea what todo with the information and it just got stored away in the back of my mind. So I moved away for college and he got a job, life went on. My relationships started and ended like bad sitcoms all of them, one worse then the other, and this guy stayed with me. He became my closest friend and confidant and I told him everything. I even felt a few times that if he ever was single I would snatch him up. But he never was. When he had a girl I was single and vice versa. So time went on. And then I got engaged. To a dutch guy. And was planning on moving from Sweden. And me and my friend were hanging out a lot that last summer, because I realised that I would miss him the most of all the people I had in my life. And then, one night, something just came over me. We were sitting outside in the Swedish summer night, meaning it was still a soft light out at 2 am and the wind was warm, and I just felt like something changed. I looked at him and all of a sudden his lips were on mine. One kiss. That was all. Nothing more ever happened and I know I should have been beating myself up over it since I was engaged but....I just couldn't. I was just blown away. And all those feeling came rushing back in. But yes....I was engaged....and I was moving the week after. I remember thinking "WTF dude!? NOW?! REALLY!?!?!?!" but I didn't say anything. And I left. I packed up my life and moved. And after 2 weeks I regretted it. I had the feeling in my gut that neither the guy or the country was right for me. He was mean, stupidly cheap and nothing I wanted to do was worth the money. We couldn't go to Amsterdam because that was expensive but he could have a scooter, a car and really expensive hobbies. I felt like shit and I was reduced to a nervous wreck. And after a year I gave up and moved back. I don't regret going but I do regret not listening to my gut feeling sooner. That was the time I finally learned to listen to my intuition. And it has payed of since then. So I moved home. And me and my friend started hanging out again. And something had changed. Something huge. Like....the planets hade changed path and the sun was just....so much brighter. And I realised that it was this guy I wanted to be with. So I did what any sensible woman would do - I made him mine. It wasn't hard since he never had been able to forget me either. And that first year was so blissful it was almost irritating. Reality hit. We hit a really rough patch and after a lot of heartbreak and tears and anxiety we decided to move apart. When things had settled we started talking again and both of us realised that we missed each other. So we tried again. We started dating, took it really slow, kept living apart and just easing into it. Using the time we spent apart to figure out what we wanted individually and where we wanted to go in life. And it worked. About a year after we started dating we decided to move in for a trial period. He stayed with me for one month in my apartment and after that I stayed with him for a month. We managed to find someone that wanted to rent my apartment for a year when me and the guy tried living together again. This time we kept all the safety-measurements on. I kept the apartment so in case of chaos again I could move back and not have to go to my parents again as the last time. We started talking more, communicating more, letting each other in. It worked. <3 We found each other again, over 9000 times stronger this time, more grown up and knowing what we needed to do to make it work in the long run. And THIS brings me to the topic! We got a really nice offer for a fantastic house, it needed alot of TLC but it was too good to pass on, and we started talking about the future. Slowly it nestled its way into our conversations, things like how many kids we would like, would we get married in the spring or fall, what last name would we take? And it happened so naturally and didn't feel scary on bit. So now, this February I decided - I would propose. I was waiting for him to do it but then I thought - why should I? I wanted him as my husband and I'll be damned if I was just going to sit there like a damsel in distress and wait. F*CK THAT! I had a plan! Neither of us are that kind of lovey-dovey old school romantics. For valentines one year I got Heart of the Swarm and we had a ton of fun. He got a 6-pack of MTG boosters. Yeah, that is how we roll. And that got me to the plan - I would design a MTG-card to propose! So I got to making and it turned out awesome, I'm very pleased with it. But come on, that would just be weird with one card, right? So I had a friend of mine help me make a whole playable deck with the theme "Rings". And I printed it out and made a proxy. And omg I was so nervous when I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting out the cards that he would figure out what it was. He just looked at the cards and said it looked weird and laughed. So when the second week of march comes around we go to Prague for a family trip and I'm so nervous I think I'm going to die. I had managed to buy us a pair of rings and smuggled them into my bag together with the deck without him noticing. We get to Prague eventually, went out for the evening and on the way back I feel like puking from the nerves. He thinks I had something bad to eat so we go up to the room and he asked if I wanted to sleep. Ok, now or never! I say I want to play a bit first and that was of course ok. (Side track, but it was me that got him into the whole MTG-scene about 2 years ago) So we sit down and play. using the bed as a table. And I feel my hands sweating more and more. And then I get it. The card! With this I can play the proposal-card from out of my purse and him not having any idea wtf is going on. We keep playing for a while and then I just feel like I have to play it. And I do. And then I start going thru my purse and he asks me what I'm looking for and makes some kind of lame joke about using my lipstick as a token..hurr hurr, we'll see ho laughs last. This is where things starts to get blurry. I remember playing the proposalcard upside down and him looking at me like I'm crazy. He later told me he thought I was pissed at him since I was acting so weird....oops. XD I play the card and as he reads it I literally throw the rings up on the bed, not saying anything. I had this HUGE speech prepared but nope, that didn't work. At all. I just grunt and jerk my chin at the rings and raises an eyebrow at him. The answer was a flying man and a lot of laughing and kissing and many many yes:es. So I got him....finally. I got my heart-neerd. <3 ----------------------------------------------------- Ok, so if you managed to get this far- CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS! You are a champ! And the reason to why I post this here is because there is a wedding coming on April 2018. And I want to lose some of the weight until then. I'm not aiming for model thin but just a lighter frame. I want to feel pretty walking down the isle. And I want to be healthy enough to have a baby or two down't the line. That is it. Welcome to my story.