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Starting a log here! Definitely need the accountability help - my willpower stats are pitifully low.  [Peer pressure works - I'll take all the encouragement I can get, please!!]


So, joined NF Academy yesterday. (Been on the email list for a while now, finally decided to join up - cheaper than re-upping with a personal trainer and there's a community involved.) 



- Did drink some of my calories (splurged on a sugared, canned coffee from the local Japanese market - worth it), started the day with a protein shake, and had grand plans for a healthy lunch. 


- ... Learned the *hard* way that aliums (onion, garlic, etc) can't go raw into a slow cooker. Makes the chicken taste nasty a.f. -- So my chicken-beans-avo lunch became a spinach salad with dressing, eggs, avocado, walnuts and as much cooked chicken as I could manage after hiding the flavor with bbq sauce.  NOT the win I'd hoped for (sugars/corn syrups in the dressing and sauces), but still better than throwing in the towel and going to the cafe downstairs for an overpriced sandwich. I've clocked 120g of protein by 5pm, anyway.  Pretty certain the added sugar spike is partly to blame for this afternoon's headache (the other parts being hot weather and lady issues). I've been better about cutting sugary out overall in the last few weeks, or at least consciously choosing to consume them. [Can't totally overhaul the pantry - I share the kitchen with Mom, who is NOT working toward clean eating/primal diets and you can pry the tortilla chips and salsa con queso from her cold, dead hands. Also, the office is packed with free junk food on any given day.]  


Now, if only I didn't have another pound of nasty chicken left to choke down. ;_;  Meal prep, y u no tasty? OTL


- Walked before work (polling place), at lunch for 40 minutes (hot outside!) and will be meeting a friend at the gym tonight for some light resistance work and hopefully a Zumba class. If I round way down on MyFitnessPal's calorie estimates, that's about 400-ish burned if I survive the Zumba class.  [ETA: No, MFP was probably closer to the mark. Oy. That was exhausting!  Also, the Zumba instructor is my new 'goal' look: tall, lean, ripped *and* coordinated. Holy fitspo, Batman!  (Also hot. Definitely hot.)]


- Forgot to take my meds this a.m., which I realized halfway through the day. (And if I take them late, I'll never sleep. @_@) 


So... day one of this log isn't exactly festooned with successes, but I didn't fall completely off the wagon right out of the gate, either. 


Now, if only my knees would cooperate with these new bodyweight routines. Owowowowowouch. 

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Day Two -


Started the day with a protein drink. :)  I can check off a few of my items already on Habitica.org, so that's a plus. Yesterday's step count was well over 17,000 after Zumba class last night (and I'm going again tonight!).  I am *determined* to up my conditioning. I mean, the little old ladies at the front of the room were doing better than I was. That's depressing as heck. Dinner was a quest bar and big spoonful of peanut butter (the no-sugar kind) - I didn't *need* either to stave off hunger, but I didn't want to wake up ravenous and hangry, either.  [Mental note: I need to stop avoiding the kitchen in the evening because I'm trying to avoid the 20-questions game my mother loves so much. Something to puzzle over in a journal later, why being asked simple questions always feels so darn invasive.] 


I planned to get up and craft before work, and instead wound up down the Facebook rabbit hole and troubleshooting Chrome issues (not sure why pages randomly refuse to load, but it's obnoxious when it's my daily tracking sites!). Hopefully tomorrow I'll smooth my alpha waves and work on making more items for my Etsy shop. I have ideas and materials, but sitting down and setting aside the time is still an elusive process.


Work today is promising to be full of frustrations; I wish knowing about them ahead of time actually helped reduce them, but... not so much. 


I found an online daily gratitude site - since I never remember to crack open a physical journal: http://www.gratitudejournal.mobi/app.html#/home  Here's to making positive changes via convenience methods. (ooh-rah for modern technology)


Lunch: A tasty falafel wrap from the food trucks. (With a small side of seasoned fries.) At least I got a ~.75mi walk in as well, though I'm not a fan of the growing summer heat. Also some leftover beef sandwich from a conference (there's always free food lying around - so much temptation) - which honestly wasn't worth the calories on the bread part. Lesson learned: just eat the tasty filling and skip the bread. 


Still have yesterday's headache - hopefully upping my water intake will help. It feels like sinus pressure but could also be eye fatigue from work... x.x


Successfully did NOT fall to temptation on the birthday cake in the kitchen - had a few bites of cheese, meat, crackers and a heap of the veggies offered instead. Yay! 


Still not where I should be on non-coffee liquids intake (water, green tea...) but I'll get there. I hope. ^_^ My plant in Plant Nanny leveled up earlier today, at least.  


Chugged water, survived Zumba. Using the last portion of my carbs macro for a glass of wine with Netflix. 


Thoroughly unamused by Chrome's refusal to work at random, especially trying to load this site. Boo, hiss. 



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I think you're doing great so far! Progress over perfection :D

In terms of water/coffee, I know what helped me was to either have a gallon or two 1L bottles of COLD water next to me at all times. Like it's a baby you have to watch but, well, drink instead. That definitely helped kick my soda habit out.


Also I never knew that about onions/garlic in the slow cooker making chicken taste nasty. That might explain my kinda nasty chicken... :blink:

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Yay for peer pressure! :)  It's all about trying to keep overall progress. I have a massive 48 oz Bubba jug and I hate drinking out of it, because it's large and awkward - I've found it's much easier to have one of those venti-sized Starbucks tumblers within reach. Coffee I'm still *trying* to drink black, but it's a slow taper - right now I'm down to one creamer and a packet of sweetener (Splenda, Equal, etc). I don't have much of a soda habit - it's a once-every-other-week sort of thing for me; we can make a 12-pack last for months at our house. But coffee... Coffee is my achilles heel for drinking calories. It just begs for creamer and a touch of sweetness. :abnormal:  (Green tea I can chug all day no problem-o.) 


re: Chicken:  for whatever reason, if the garlic/onions aren't cooked down first, they take on this really 'off' metallic funk. So while I *know* the chicken is edible/not rotten, it sure tastes like it is. ;_;   Lesson learned - this Sunday will be nothing but water and maybe a few carrots in the slow cooker! (Plus salt and pepper.)  I mean, I *could* take 3 hours to stand at the stove with a cast-enamel pot and saute the aliums and add the chicken and sear and then simmer... but then I'd resent all the time I spent on it and probably not eat it out of spite. (Seriously, I feel like I'm trying to wrangle a toddler when I intend to eat healthy. My brain is a sack of cats sometimes.)

[Another SUPER-easy go-to is a jar of salsa plus water to cover with the chicken in the slow cooker. 4-ish hours on low, reduce the remaining liquid, and shred the chicken back into the sauce - instant basic protein base to add beans, cheese, lettuce, avo, cilantro, etc... Add a low-carb tortilla and you have easy taco lunch. :) ]


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Day Three -- 

NSV - Got up and crafted for a bit this morning! Admittedly, half the time was spent just getting the different glass chips un-strung from their packaging, but still. It's something! (Progress shots on my Instagram: britt_erinn ).  Feels good to get back into the creative groove, and a later start time at work means I have the leisure time in the morning to do it. 
Survived Zumba last night*, and after the not-very-plan-oriented lunch yesterday, opted not to eat more after the workout. (Well, a small glass of wine while Netflixing, but no other snacks, etc.)  Woke up hungry, but that just means I burned calories! (As someone who doesn't generally feel hunger until eleven or noonish, morning hunger means I didn't eat enough the day before.)  Still have a lingering sinus headache - I think something must be blooming, because it took doubling up on my daily anthistamines to calm it down. 
 * I get that the routine is the same each time and the regulars have it down pat, but man, do feel like the ugliest, fattest troll in the room trying to keep up and missing half the movements because my legs are too rubbery to keep up. Doesn't help most of the folks in said room aren't more than five-five. So I'm a hulking giant lardbucket in the back, who likes dance but has no talent, trying very hard not to die

NSV - had another iced coffee, different brand - and it was Not Good. Got about 1/3 of the way through and dumped it. Not worth the calories if it has a weird aftertaste (like cigarettes?? No thanks.). 


NSV - It's very possibly my imagination, but my jeans are feeling and looking a little better on these days, so focusing more in food and less on exercise seems to be paying off. (Scale this morning hasn't budged from 180, but that doesn't mean I'm not successfully recomping.) I don't think my lifts have increased much, but given the amount of stress I've had from work in the last 3 weeks, I'm impressed I made it to the gym at all, let alone averaging twice a week! Still want to break my unassisted bench plateau of 75x1. I have NO upper body strength. It's really pathetic. (I also can't do a proper push-up without my elbows going to pot, so I'm fairly certain it's joints, not muscles, that is the limiting factor.)


I packed my lunch today, but it's more of that inedible chicken. So I walked over to the local Flame Broiler (1 mile round trip) and got a bowl of meat and veg instead. (Did you know they have avocado?! OMGyum.) If I'm desperate to hit my protein targets today, I'll try and choke down some of that chicken. *shudder* (Doubtful - I have cottage cheese and PBLean handy.)  Snarfed down a pile of baby carrots and red peppers with some hummus, too - yum. :)

Ordered another sack of PBLean from MyOatmeal.com - it's tasty stuff and goes amazeballs in cottage cheese or stirred into 3-2-1 cake. Or just add some water and mix it back up for dipping apples. Whatever. Tasty. Loooove peanut butter.

I'm also tinkering with macros (again); given that I want to shed fat, I need to focus on reducing empty carbs intake and upping my protein levels. IIFYM tells me I should be aiming for 144g protein and 65g fat, with the carb portion very low, ~90g. Given that I don't work out much, I *do* factor exercise calories back in, but round waaay down from what website estimates give (e.g, MyFitnessPal tells me a leisurely 20 minute walk burns well over 100 calories. Doubtful. An hour of Zumba probably doesn't burn the 750 calories MFP says it does, but 300-400? That's likely. There's a lot of me to move around, after all.)  Chances are good that this is quality over quantity, though - just because that bag of popcorners is low in calories overall doesn't mean it's especially nutritious


I'm really hoping tomorrow is a super-quiet day at work. I have a personal training session in the a.m. (one of my last ones before I have to scrounge for the money to re-up), and a long list of to-dos for work that I'd like to just get DONE. Fingers crossed nothing catches on fire - I need the quiet day to get caught up and feel sane again. Some days I feel like I'm drowning, others I feel like I've managed to tread some water while trapped in the deep end. Most days I just try not to hate my job. ;_; [An Epic Quest element is definitely mapping out another route for gainful employment.]


Tea tonight with a friend, so that should be a good, mellow evening of matcha and okashi. :)

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Day Four -- 


Snapped some progress shots; my back end looks good from the side, at least. AM workout with deadlifts-for-reps and a movement-by-movement breakdown of the clean-and-jerk. My left shoulder is NOT keen on the row-to-front-squat movement at speed. But now I know the basic process and hopefully won't knock out my teeth trying it on my own later! :D 


Bagel brekkie because I already drank my protein shake.Also, workout carbs. Nom. 


Meeting with team lead and manager went well - I was drowning two weeks ago, I'm treading water at the deep end now, and slowly finding my way back to feet touching the bottom. So that's good. 


Walk at lunch. Didn't pack lunch (that chicken... ugh) but I have good chicken from another batch and some veg and leftovers. Not as much protein as I'd hoped, but still a better option than going out to eat. (I've developed a serious hankering for falafel wraps, lately.) 


Snack was a protein crunch bar. I'm a long way off from cutting out processed foods, but at least I'm reaching for the protein-loaded ones (instead of, say, Nilla wafers).  I still can't kill this craving for Vietnamese iced coffee, though. 


Fitbit battery died so that's on my to-do list for tonight or tomorrow. I did get a 45 minute walk in at lunch in addition to the gym this morning (where the parking structure is way far out from everything) so I know I've clocked 7,000 steps easy. Since my daily goal is about 5,000 (desk job), I'd say I'm doing well. 


I have Friday Brain, so work is dragging... just two hours to go! 


[More as the day progresses.]

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So I am NOT a fan of Chrome right now, which keeps telling me that it can't load this site. Which is bull, but whatever.  Booted up another computer and here we are. 


Yesterday was my "off" day - I don't focus on high protein/low carb on Saturdays, because I need one day a week for that. Had a breakfast biscuit thing from the drive-thru on the way home from class and honestly? It wasn't worth the calories. Not tasty at all. 


Slept most of the afternoon - apparently I needed it - and dinner out was beef pho. Mom and I split a pear tart for dessert.  


I know I didn't drink enough water, but I also didn't do much of ANYTHING yesterday once I finished class.  Today is going to be yesterday's chores plus lunch prep for the week (no onions or garlic!) so I can start successful on Monday. 

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Still tender from Friday's workout, especially in the inner thigh (can't remember if it's ABductor or ADductor muscles...). Which is good, but noticeably awkward whenever I need to sit/stand.  Knees are less painful than expected after Tea lessons yesterday (always a plus) - usually, the pressure on the kneecap from sitting seiza means walking is very painful the next day. 


Failed my willpower throws this morning - did not get out of bed as planned, have not eaten my high protein lunch as planned... x.x  I did get a 45 minute walk in at lunch, but it was definitely off-set by the Starbucks pit stop (skinny latte and some dried apple things, but... yeah. All carbs.) I *did* at least oven-roast some broccoli/cauliflower to nosh on before my walk, so there's a serving or two of veg. But all my protein so far has been from protein shakes/powders, which is not ideal. :|  Gotta work on that Monday slump! (Still craving falafel. Also bean burritos. WTF, body?) 


I will give mad props to the Sleep Cycle app - it did wake me up at an appropriate time this morning to reduce grogginess. (The fact I didn't budge is a separate issue about motivation and fighting depression symptoms.)  I went to bed at 9:30 last night - yay! - and my end goal is to be up and at the gym before work. That plan, like most, is not a quick-fix after three decades of night owl habits. So this week is going to be up with ample time in the morning, next week is up-with-time-and-crafting, the week after will be up-and-ample-time-and-gym, until my sleep cycle is set more appropriately and I'm up and moving as planned. 


Tonight's the last night before I get the house to myself, so I'll be running errands after work, etc. Tomorrow evening when I get home, I'm emptying the pantry and fridge/freezer of just about anything and everything that's Not On Plan, to make it easier not to snack on junk. (Keeping the wine, though.) Other than a few sometime treats (Tea sweets for when I practice tea, mainly), the sugary and simple-carb stuff is going in the trash. 


On the up side, work feels a little less like armageddon right now - I've got fewer things coming at me sideways and the bulk of the chaos has been handled or at least contained for the moment. Still flying blind without resources, but there's less turbulence.  Gym plans tomorrow with my friend - more Zumba! and whatever lifting I can manage (not much gets re-racked, so it's always a coin toss as to whether I can actually get anything done because half the weights have migrated somewhere else).  Less work stress means I'll have more points to dump in my other stats by the end of the day (or use first thing in the a.m.).  


I am better about drinking water today - already halfway through my goal.  So there's some successes, some failures. Still an overall positive trend, I think. 

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It's a tl;dr day... 


Got up and moving-ish today. Not as early as I had planned, but with enough time to tinker for about 20 minutes on jewelry projects while I sipped coffee. So that was nice. Baby steps on becoming a morning person. :)


Took my measurements - they're not especially different from April, MAYBE down half an inch here and there (hell, my hips are UP half an inch if measuring widest point at the glutes) and yet my jeans all fit a little better than before, with a little less uncomfortable post-dryer yoga to get them on. So something, somewhere, is leaning out, little by little. The scale has not budged at all: 178-182 any given day of the week.  It's not going to budge if I keep working on muscle mass. 


Part of me feels like a willpower failure because I'm not dialed in 100% to a paleo or slow carb or clean eating diet, and part of me doesn't especially want to feel the sense of deprivation that no wine, no occasional cookie/cake, no treat of kettle corn from the microwave on a Netflix binge night  has as a price tag for that 100% "healthy" eating method. So I aim for a net of 1500 calories a day Mon-Fri, try not to exceed 1700 on the weekend, and within those ranges, aim for higher protein and getting more vegetables in. Less bread/flour, when possible. Still working on culling sugars - those are in everything - but now it's a conscious decision to have something with sugar (instant Vietnamese coffee, Starbucks latte, birthday treats at work) rather than a whatever's-within-reach mindless eating. 

Not giving up cheese, though. I don't eat a lot of it, but I do enjoy it now and then and it certainly makes my lunchtime chicken much more appetizing (let's see you eat - and enjoy - 8 ounces of dry chicken. UGH.). 


Tonight, the Great Purge happens - all the processed-carb junk food in the pantry and fridge, all the stuff that's just going to go bad sitting there, all of it is going in the trash. (I had my last hurrah of nacho cheese and tortilla strips last night.)  This also includes the stale bread in the freezer, because if I haven't used it up by now, I'm not going to.  Things I'm not bothering with: cake and baking mixes, because they take effort and they're usually around to prepare for other people.  Since I'm not going full-Paleo, the filled pastas in the freezer are staying for weekend suppers. The sugar-free coffee creamer, because I have yet to manage to drink my coffee black even if I water it down significantly. (But my green or black teas are handy and I take those either straight or with a splash of milk.)  On the bright side, every time this Purge happens (when I get the house to myself for an extended period of time), the next Purge is usually less drastic. And Mom has hinted that she wants to cut out flour and bread more often, so it gets easier when it's her turn to pick up the groceries and she doesn't re-buy the junk. 


Diet aside, I'm still trying to hammer out my "big WHY" per the Academy, as far as getting healthier, but also as a bigger picture thing. I'm in a job I stopped loving a long time ago, and have been simply drifting in my life. I have some hobbies I enjoy but haven't been able to give myself a good reason to get out of bed in the morning beyond basic adult obligations (work, hygiene, food... in that order.) I know some of it is depression - I've had it for years, it cycles through good and bad, and I know that the medications are only a patch, however necessary. I know there's no fix, but taking a high enough dose to 'fix' the energy level means quashing everything else - emotions, reactions, etc. and I become a doped-up automaton. I've been there. I never, ever want to go back. 

So my 'why' list is still pretty much stuck somewhere between Levels 1-2: I want to be leaner, to fit into my kimono again, to feel strong. To reduce joint pain by increasing muscle mass/support. To look damn good naked (even if I'm demi-ace and no one will ever see it - I don't have to like sex to have vanity, after all).  I don't have children to be a role model for, I don't have a long family history of early death (generally the opposite - even with heart disease and breast cancer, we stick around until we're ancient, ornery bastards).  I'd like to get Mom healthier, but she's turning 75 this year - her path and mine are paved on completely different terrains. She does yoga three times a week...  and unfortunately believes Dr Oz and whatever he's paid to shill. I'm much more cynical and would rather read the non-biased clinical trial results of something before giving it one iota of credit.  I'm working on lifting until I have a physique apropos to the fitgrills Tumblr. (Long, long way off. But still!) So toeing the line of "Level 3" why is really something akin to "I want to like what I see in the mirror" but that does not acknowledge what a moving target that is, because what I see in the mirror is a depressed, unmotivated and not-very-attractive thirty-three year old who has never been able to check off much in the commonly-accepted 'success' columns of life. Gainfully employed? Yep. Living on my own? Nope. Children? Nope. Spouse? Nope. Plan for the future? Nope. Goals? Not really. 


... It's a mess in my head.  I know this. I have yet to figure out the KonMari method to tidy up my brainpan. (I also acknowledge that my living situation needs work - I need to reduce clutter in my part of the house like crazy, but the hobbies I do have all require 'stuff' - crafting, Tea ceremony, etc - so its really a matter of tackling one area at a time and aiming for some solid organization and storage solutions.)  I know clutter can have an emotional impact. I do. It's actually a.) finding the time and b.) going through it and organizing that is the hard part.


I did buy some books on Amazon (and checked out all ten possible Kindle Unlimited titles), so my to-do includes reading that will HOPEFULLY get me some direction. ('What color is your parachute?', books by Eckhard Tolle, etc.)  It would be nice to find a resource that asks the kind of questions I can actually answer with more than "uhm, I dunno" after mulling over them for hours. Thank goodness Amazon sells used books cheap, too. 


Until then, I'm just going to work on eating better and lifting weights. 


Zumba tonight with my friend for some cardio. Hopefully my knees will hold up. 

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Did some cleaning up last night and went to the store after for fresh veggies (plus some ice cream toppings for a work party - and those will STAY at work after!) and more sugar-free coffee creamer [since I like my coffee sweet...]. Also a few new 'Mio' water flavors because I still can't do plain water in large quantities. (Vanilla-orange? Not good. Blueberry lemonade? Not bad. Any of the "red" flavors (berry, punch, etc) are good.)  Moved all the Greek yogurts to the top shelf in front so I will SEE them and EAT them instead of reaching for something else when I want to snack. 
And even with all that good intention-ing, I wound up bingeing. Not necessarily in a horrible way, but some candy, chips, a sweet roll, and a Quest bar when my calorie count for the day had been met already isn't exactly a plan toward success. All in all, I think I hit somewhere above my TDEE (~1900cals) instead of staying at a net loss. 
And I know that's not *awful*  -- I didn't inhale an entire box of cookies, etc -- but my goal is slow, progressive weight loss and muscle gain, and I can't DO that if I'm destroying my modest caloric deficit. Especially with foods that are anything BUT nutritionally dense. 
So clearly, I need to not only steer clear of the work snack bar (since I can't chuck THAT in the trash), I also need to sit down and have some thorough introspection as to why I felt a need to keep eating. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't noticeably upset; I skipped the gym plans because my knees were aching and I learned long ago it's better to miss a workout than limp for three days after. (And my gym buddy skipped, too, with some things going sideways in her plans.)  So maybe some guilt about not working out? I don't know. 
I only know that right now? Right now I am not doing well, and I have yet to pinpoint any one thing in particular. There's a vague background noise of unease and unhappiness, but I can't seem to sort through what is the depression and what may be something else, something more.  I suppose that's on my to-do list for this weekend. 
Today did not start on the best note - weird, bizarre/surreal dreams meant sleep was anything but restful, and I hit snooze for well over an hour after that. I have a dull stomach ache and joint pain all over, plus a bit of a sore throat - again, whether this is stress, depression or the beginning of a mild flu? No clue. Could be any, could be all. I've taken an Aleve and I'm hoping that will address the worst of the joint pain, at least. 
I really, really want to take a day off from work, but I can't - not without some nasty repercussions in my file, anyway - it's our busy time and no PTO is allowed. :( 
Brought my on-plan lunch (cooked chicken, black beans, some cheese and avocado for satiety and flavor), had my protein drink for breakfast. Already started working on round one with my 24oz tumbler. I'm going to TRY to stick to plans this time - both in food and gym - since there's Zumba again tonight. (I suppose grooving at my stand-up desk to my headphones doesn't count for Zumba...?) 


Update: Got a 45-min brisk walk in (it's hot out!) and still plan on Zumba tonight, though whether I can keep up the whole hour is still up for debate. Right knee is wonky as hell - painful at times, unsteady at others - so it's going to be touch and go with some knee braces.  Elbow sleeve tracking info tells me it's due to arrive today, so maybe Friday evening I can test out my bench numbers with some support there.  I feel a little better after a walk, albeit sticky and sweaty, but I'm still craving a day-of-nothing to recenter and regroup. Maybe I can call in 'sick' next Wednesday - the schedule at work is the most open between looming deadlines, anyway. 


Stay tuned for tomorrow's edition. >_> 

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The weekend had some much-needed down-time, so that's good. 


I took on a sumo wrestler Saturday night - that was entertaining as hell. And he was adorable as heck and sweet, so yeah. I have a goofy girlcrush on him for now. :D 


Eating... not great. Not paleo at all, and I hit up the drive thru yesterday to shut up my hankering for something fried (again, not worth it. Bah.) but dinner was pasta that included spinach and chicken sausage, so... eh. 


Today is Monday. I'm going to try not to eat my feelings today. Just sitting down at my desk and looking at my to-do list has given me the start of a stress migraine. That combined with the ungodly heat (so I didn't sleep for crap) means today is going to be a long day. 


Updates as the day progresses. (Not that it matters - kinda shouting into the void here, at this point.)


Falafel at lunch. I had a craving. I'm not going to feel guilty. I'm working on keeping under calorie targets this week. (I tried making a protein drink for brekkie and added a supergreens scoop. Not a good flavor combo.)  I also have chicken and veg if I'm here late and still hungry.  Grocery list in the car to pick up things after work, including more veggies and some oatmeal to make overnight oats with protein powder and yogurt.  Casein pudding for dessert is also on the to-do list for the night. Dinner will be leftover pasta, I think. 


Mental space is still not-great. Scattered, vaguely panick-y, etc. I know it's stress, primarily, but also more of the same sense of lacking purpose I've been fighting for months, now.  

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Eating habits are... eh. Not awful, not great. Had leftover pasta but also impulse-bought-and-inhaled a package of mini crumb donuts. 


Surprisingly enough, though, I have NOT had wine in several days. Largely because by the time I think about pouring a glass, it's nearly bedtime and it would just go to waste. But that's something. I have plenty of veg in the fridge at home, I just need to actually cook them. >_> 


Some asshole brought in donuts. I failed my willpower roll but at least grabbed one that was mostly air inside (one of those twisty mini-bundt-cake looking things) so it wasn't as bad as the filled cream stuff.  


Walked at lunch - not extensively, because it's still hot out, but to the 'Bux and back - so there's that. 


Gardening chores (tugging the hose around to water everything) tonight. Not really an intense workout, but it's not sitting at a desk, either. 

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Feel a bit like shouting into the void, lately. 


Haven't worked out as planned - in a total funk I can't seem to shake, so I'm trying to at least not eat unreasonably.  New experiment with overnight oats is a win - 1 scoop whey protein, 1 serving PB lean, 1/4 c oats in a jar, shake well. Add 1/3c liquid and pop in the fridge. In the interest of not having total mush, I've set up 4 jars but only add liquid to one the night before.  With the peanut butter, I'm opting for chocolate or banana protein flavors - it's quite tasty, all things considered.  That and a protein drink and I can clock 60+ grams of protein in breakfast alone, which means less effort at lunch/afternoon/evening meals to get enough in. 


Kicked macros up a bit higher - less caloric deficit - until this work stress passes, because I stress eat and there's no point in setting myself up for guilt and failure with low-carb/low-fat settings.  Hopefully, I can shake this stupid slump soon. I'll have all the best intentions and then look at the clock and it's 10pm and the day is gone. Also sleeping more. So that's not cool. :/

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Didn't eat all my calories yesterday. Wasn't hungry. Today? Back to wanting to inhale everything within reach. Oy. 


Way under on protein, and I didn't walk at lunch (was at the cemetery to visit Dad for his birthday) so I'm not making up for the carbs with exercise. :{ 


Work is less insane than this time last year, at least - I feel a little more like things will go smoothly, instead of careening out of control. 

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Failing all my willpower rolls, lately - getting up on time, finding motivation to do much, etc. 


I did some meal prep, but even then, can't seem to find the energy to supplement the protein (pulled pork) with anything substantial (veg, sweet potato, etc). I did order more mason jars so I can work on overnight oats easily - those are simple enough to prep and can be stored in the fridge for grab-and-go options.


Work is providing lunch every day this week, which certainly reduces the sense of urgency for getting fit with diet. Haven't worked out in two weeks other than some walking and household chores. (Also haven't slept for shite in days because of the heat. I may have to bite the bullet and run the A/C all night just to get some relief, despite the insane cost.) 

Didn't go too crazy over the weekend on eating (or drinking), but I'm going on day three of a dull sinus headache that nothing seems to touch. So that's obnoxious, and makes healthy choices hard when some things just sound like my stomach will reject them outright. 


Continuing to double-up on my giveadamn meds; it's not an overnight fix, but it seems to be helping the worst of the shadows. I'm wary of doubling the other med, because that's the get-up-and-go one and I don't want to be hyper and depressed. I just want to find my willpower again. 


Today's work-provided lunch was Mexican food - rice, beans, little street tacos, taquitos, chips... I opted for the tacos (loaded with meat, pico de gallo, etc), had a bite of the [not tasty] taquito, and opted to skip the rice and chips. After a bite of the beans, I lost interest in those, so I'd say lunch was primarily proteins and fats, plus the carbs from 4 tiny corn tortillas and whatever was in the toppings. Not bad (especially when some asshole brought in donuts...again...).  I suppose it helps to turn down food if the first bites aren't awesome. Got a 20 minute walk in - I'd have gone longer but I have a meeting right after lunch and each lap is about 15-ish minutes. 


A friend promised to cook me dinner tonight, and I'm tempted to turn her down, but I know she also needs someone to talk to. The challenge is that there's always wine at her place. :P


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29 minutes ago, TokiDokiKitty said:

Failing all my willpower rolls, lately - getting up on time, finding motivation to do much, etc. 

you and me both, babe.


31 minutes ago, TokiDokiKitty said:

I suppose it helps to turn down food if the first bites aren't awesome


that is a super good strategy.



anyway, wanna make a pact to get up on time this week? I'll check in on you if you want ;)

Level 2 Drow Ranger

I walk alone, but the shadows are company enough.

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22 hours ago, Lifter5 said:

anyway, wanna make a pact to get up on time this week? I'll check in on you if you want ;)


Yes, please!  I got up on-time-ish this morning. I mean, I didn't oversleep for work, but I didn't give myself the hour of quietude beforehand that I've been aiming for. :|  I'd like to get my schedule sorted and ironclad so that I have that time beforehand for gym, crafting, meditation, etc. It's a slow process after 33 years of being a not-morning-person night owl. 



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Today's rambling into the void: 


Trying to curb the mid-day munchies with a casein shake in the morning. It's DENSE. But not hard to drink, unlike some whey flavors. And since it's slow digesting, I'm hopeful it will reduce my eat-everything-in-reach cravings. Especially since there is junk food and free food EVERYWHERE at work this week (crunch time means they bring meals in so we don't have to leave our desks). 

Also doubled up both meds - not sure if its psychosomatic or actually working, but I felt way more focused and productive this morning. (How much of that is a looming deadline is anyone's guess.) 

Dinner last night was... delicious, but SO far off plan. S had a long day and gave up on cooking and ordered pizza (we're going to do some Etsy stuff together - many shenanigans were planned) and while there was peppers and arugula on it, there was also pepperoni and bacon... And I had three slices. Oof. 

Today I'm going to do better, dammit. Dinner is on my own at home, and I have a roasted sweet potato and leftover stuffed peppers. Failing that, there's a freezer of Lean Cuisine (not ideal, but calorie and portion controlled). 
Lunch provided today wasn't bad - kebabs, pita, salad, rice, etc.  I had the meat and 2 pita triangles, plus some salad. Between that and finishing my casein drink, I'd say it was a success for feeling full (overly full, actually). Got a 20 minute walk in (it's hot out!) and I now have three different coffee drinks sitting on my desk, all half-finished and forgotten. o.O::  I have been immersed in work all morning. Ooof. 
Afternoon cake and berries planned for a going-away party for a coworker. I may indulge in a small piece and some berries. No idea how the evening will go - I will be late at work which means dinner is provided and that's usually pizza. x.x I really don't want pizza again. *sigh* 

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37 minutes ago, TokiDokiKitty said:


Yes, please!  I got up on-time-ish this morning. I mean, I didn't oversleep for work, but I didn't give myself the hour of quietude beforehand that I've been aiming for. :|  I'd like to get my schedule sorted and ironclad so that I have that time beforehand for gym, crafting, meditation, etc. It's a slow process after 33 years of being a not-morning-person night owl. 




Yeah... I turned the alarm off and rolled back over. So uh... tomorrow will be a better day :D

Level 2 Drow Ranger

I walk alone, but the shadows are company enough.

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Got up on time (~6:30) again today! Slept in a bit yesterday, and was at work until 8:30 last night... I'm definitely dragging this morning.  BUT the casein shake in the morning is definitely helpful for curbing any intake cravings (it's dense and filling, so... yeah.) and I'm definitely getting better about not drinking so much coffee.  I didn't eat super-great yesterday, but I also didn't pig out - probably clocked around 1800 calories or so. Baked brownies for everyone and only had one small square for myself. (We have a toaster oven and a high stress environment. I think everyone deserves a sweet treat when they're working 12 hour days.)  Free lunch yesterday was pizza; free lunch today is sandwiches. I grabbed one that had a lot of lunchmeat in it. Probably should have picked out the guts and skipped the bread, but... eh. I'm going to be at work until at least 9pm tonight, so... stressing about food is going to take a back seat until tomorrow night, when our deadline is over (mostly). 


Doubling my meds seems to help, some - I'm less sluggish, and since I'd been on the lowest dose for a year and a half, I have no doubt my body adjusted. I'll taper back down after this week, to see whether it's meds or stress or a combination that's affecting my getupandgo reserves. 


Now, if only I could figure out why my software isn't working. That's my current stressor and I really don't want to have to do things manually. :[ 1800 pages is a lot of PDF to process by hand. :ambivalence:

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So, the crunchtime madness at work is FINALLY over. My brain is still in panicked-hamster mode, so this weekend is going to be a rest and reset. I haven't stepped on the scale in a month, and I just don't want to know how far off the rails I've gone between stress, stress-eating, and lack of exercise. 


Tuesday, I've adjusted my macros back to 1600 calories, and unless I do something intense like a Zumba class or exceptionally heavy lifting, I'm not going to add exercise calories back in. I need to shed the excess fat and work on muscle gain again, and I can't do that if I'm not at the gym. So rest this weekend, and then back to up-by-6:30; gym after work until my morning routine is early enough to gym before work. (Still not a morning person, but I'm working on it.) Especially since at the end of July, my schedule will shift half an hour earlier again. >_> 


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Scorched my lunch in the broiler. Oops.  Oh well. Extra charcoal in the diet is good for detoxing, right?? :D 


The worst of the Work Insanity is over, even though the week feels like a string of Mondays. I finally got back to the gym to lift last night, worked on the hang clean movements. I can probably handle the empty 45lb bar soon - I was up to the 40lb one last night, though my squat movement still needs work - I tip forward instead of back and down.  Personal training session Friday morning. 


Diet is... not on point, but not careening off into the void, either - July 4th had some wine and sweets, but was mostly barbecued proteins and a bun or two, so... not bad. :D Lots of calories, but not bad overall. Yesterday was falafel (it's a craving, I don't know why, whatever, I have to walk to get it so it could be worse). Walked at lunch today for 35 minutes without pit-stopping for fried chickpea goodness. AND ignored the food trucks next door (serving nachos OMG). So that's a win. 


Macros are dialed back down to cut levels, and I'm not tracking back exercise calories unless the workout was long or strenuous (e.g., Zumba, heavy lifting, walking a full hour; NOT the 30-minute meander I do on lunch breaks), and even then I'm only tracking back a fraction of what was burned/estimated/whatever. 125-130 Protein, 55-60 Fat, 125-130 Carbs. Workout calories get dumped into the carbs and fat categories 70/30%, because I figure I'm burning up energy stores and those are what will want immediate replenishment. That and all the tasty stuff that isn't on plan is usually carbs or fat (cider, cheese, wine...) and if I've worked out enough to earn a few extra buffs on the macro dice roll, then there's far less guilt involved when I do enjoy something that isn't a nutrient-dense meal. :) 


Still terrible about hydration - it's a miracle any of my plants in Plant Nanny have survived to adulthood - but I'm working on it. On the bright side, I'm drinking less coffee and when I do drink it, it's very watered down (e.g., brew a cup, add another cupful of cold water so it's immediately weak and drinkable temp) and takes me all morning to go through. Being mindful of liquid calories is not one of my biggest tripping points, but it is definitely a speedbump in my road. 


The hardest part is still eating at home - Mom talks about how she wants to lose weight but her plan and my plan are vastly different, so it's a slow process to keep the pantry cleared of junk. At least she doesn't argue about the mason jars of casein pudding in the fridge. ^_^ 



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Personal trainer session this a.m. - practiced the clean and jerk. (Still SO SORE from Tuesday's lifting... first time in a month. Oof.) Pleasantly surprised by my joints (esp wrist/elbows) cooperating and not flaring up with pain like the last time I tried upright rows. Definite plus. 

My traps and shoulders are going to be killing me tomorrow, but that's okay.  Did a lot of hang cleans (like... 50+) and then jerks, then clean-and-jerks. Got up to 60lbs total, so that's cool. Still need to work on the momentum and squat *back* rather than down, but practice will make that second nature soon. 


A.M. proats (5-min oats, 2 scoops protein, 1/2c almond milk, chia seeds) is my go-to breakfast lately - 55-60 grams of protein, not a lot of carbs or fat, and satisfying. Easy to set up as overnight oats in mason jars, to grab and go on the way out the door in the morning. So far, my macro targets are relatively do-able. It means not reaching for the chips or beer, but since those are generally sometime-treats, I'm okay with that. Now, I just need to see PROGRESS somewhere. Measurements, scale... something. I know it's a slow process, but you'd think that after four years, something would *stick*. (Admittedly, four years on and off, with knee issues and other sidelining factors, but still!) And I know I don't have a lot of weight to lose, and I want to gain more muscle, so it's going to be a slow cut and recomp, but really. I'm impatient. :P 

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Feeling restless as heck today. Can't decide if I want to just say F*** it and go to bed two hours early or get in the car and go buy cheese puffs at trader joe's. Definitely not a good head space this evening. >_<  (Option 3, go raid the fridge for the package of prosciutto and tell myself it's totes cool because of the protein...) 



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