LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Bekah]

Omnomnomisexuals?

YES! That's me

[BeautifulBeast]

Omnomnomisexuals?

That would be me too! My deepest, most intimate relationships are with jars of nutella. Unfortunately those relationships end too quickly and lately I have sworn off of them for fear of self destruction! Lmao!

[Bekah]

I had such jealousy issues from screwed up emotional baggage with relationships, that I just assumed there was no way I could ever live in a poly relationship world or be with anyone who did, even as recent as last year I was iffy about it, like I wanted to do it, but didn't want my partner to (yeah I know that's insane!) but my reticience was all about fear that my partner would find someone better than me and I wouldn't measure up anymore and they would leave, and realizing that it really was only that (I had zero issues with them having sex with someone else, but dating/caring about them, a different thing alltogether) made me know that it was my emotional hangups that needed fixing not that I was wired for monogamy. So now, I'm just trying to get myself in better shape to feel more confident before I am looking for someone else, plus that whole kid issue (the video showed exactly how I think my oldest would react too) so it's not time yet

[Spark]

That would be me too! My deepest, most intimate relationships are with jars of nutella. Unfortunately those relationships end too quickly and lately I have sworn off of them for fear of self destruction! Lmao!

 

Cheese. For me it's cheese. Especially now that I'm on the paleo diet and can't have it.

 

I miss you, white cheddar. *tear*

[Razzy]

 

Well, I'm not gay. Or anything else. I'm straight, comfortably so. And I really don't think a whole lot about LBGTQA folks out there because it's just a fraction of who a person really is. Orientation does not a human make, you know? It doesn't define how you tie your shoes or what colors you like or what you honestly think about the curious subject of oysters. There's so much more to an individual than how they date or how they dress and whathaveyou. Left, right, gay, straight -- it's all just people, in all the different flavors that people tend to come in. So I've never really paid much special attention to the LBGTQA (ya know, there really should be a shorter acronym or it's gonna end up being the whole alphabet some day.) community because if I'm to get to know people, I'd like to know them on an individual basis, not as a part of a "them" vs "us" group. And it seems more polite anyway.

 

So, to get the point of my post, I was confused when I saw a sign one day on my campus.

 

It said that there would be a "LBGTQR" lecture/rally/thing the next week. (I can't remember exactly, this was a year ago and I might add that the sign was poorly designed. I can say this with authority since I'm about to graduate with a degree in graphic design. They used a yellow background. With swirls.)

 

And I stopped and I stared and I wracked my brain but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the hell 'R' was supposed to stand for. I've asked a few forums about this and they all seem puzzled. Some said maybe it stood for Asexual but clearly that isn't true. *points at thread title*

 

So please, I hope the bang-up community of awesome people can finally put an end to my curiosity, can finally vanquish this irritating question!

 

What does the 'R' mean!?

[Spark]

According to another forum post in another corner of the Intertubes, when paired with LGBTQ it can refer to Race or Inter-Racial relationships. No idea if that's the case here. It's the only mention I found on the topic.

[SevenofSeven]

Ravenous? Those Omnomnomsexuals need representation and love too.

[Razzy]

@Spark

 

 

Now this, for the very first time, makes SENSE! Ha! Okay, I can see this being true. Thank you Spark! In one swift blow you've lopped the head off this constant irritation. Now you may collect it's head and go galumphing.

 

@SevenofSeven

 

You have a very good point. The Omnomnomers must be given due representation. I second this!

[Thrillho]

[Thrillho]

Whoa, big post. Sorry!

[Artinum]

Cheese. For me it's cheese. Especially now that I'm on the paleo diet and can't have it.

 

I miss you, white cheddar. *tear*

 

[SevenofSeven]

Australia's finest right there!

[Bekah]

Ravenous? Those Omnomnomsexuals need representation and love too.

  

Amen!

[Hit]

 

 

What does the 'R' mean!?

Clearly robo-sexuals.

[BeautifulBeast]

First off I'd like to say that the 'R' IMO stands for robots. Because robots need love too!!

Now please ignore the rest of this post if you don't give a poop about poly or my fucked up brain. I just like to be able to discuss this and I don't really have a safe place to do so. So now ya'll get to deal with it :-P 

I had such jealousy issues from screwed up emotional baggage with relationships, that I just assumed there was no way I could ever live in a poly relationship world or be with anyone who did, even as recent as last year I was iffy about it, like I wanted to do it, but didn't want my partner to (yeah I know that's insane!) but my reticience was all about fear that my partner would find someone better than me and I wouldn't measure up anymore and they would leave, and realizing that it really was only that (I had zero issues with them having sex with someone else, but dating/caring about them, a different thing alltogether) made me know that it was my emotional hangups that needed fixing not that I was wired for monogamy. So now, I'm just trying to get myself in better shape to feel more confident before I am looking for someone else, plus that whole kid issue (the video showed exactly how I think my oldest would react too) so it's not time yet

You know I have some seriously heavy baggage I carry around, I'm constantly bitching in my challenge posts LOL! 

My problem isn't so much the jealously, I think I have been fine handling that it's more me not feeling good enough. I've never felt good enough. As a little orphan kid, my 'parents' never once would say "hey you did a good job with that!" or anything like that. Whenever I would do something awesome my 'mom' would have this tight lipped smile that was so obviously forced onto her face it looked like she was eating lemons but trying to look pleased about it. I felt like a constant disappointment and I tried so damn hard to make them proud. It took me until my senior year of high school to finally realize that I could never make them proud because they had their own emotional baggage to deal with, and while it was unfair of them to treat me how they did, they were just reacting to their own fears/regret/jealousy etc. I also realized recently (like-yesterday) that until I was 20 and with my now husband, then boyfriend, I hadn't really heard "I love you" from another human. At least not routinely. When I would talk to my grandparents on the phone every 2-3 months or so we would always end the conversation with I love you, but not my parents. 

In fact I remember one time when I was newly in college and I called home, just to check in.  Having heard other people's conversations with their parents ending with ILY, I decided to say it to my 'dad' before hanging up. In return I got a few moments awkward silence and then a very strained 'yup. talk to you later.' 

Shit like this doesn't make a good foundation for sharing someone, lol.

But I'm stubborn and I don't take the easy way out. My husband has said many times, if it's too much for me he will stop. But for one, poly saved our marriage. For sure. We wouldn't be together now if he and I hadn't opened our marriage. Not because of other people, but because it has forced us to communicate better. For two, I can see a good situation on the other side. I can see the benefits of a poly lifestyle. They are so numerous that I want it and it's worth it for me to go through the pain and struggle now. And finally, I feel like this has been a huge growing situation for me. If you constantly hide the bad stuff, you can't face the bad stuff and you can't conquer it. I've come so far in the last 3 years, I'm not about to turn back now. 

I'm right at the edge of something great. I can feel that. I just need to keeping pushing until it happens. (It's the oak tree & the acorn scenario here...I can feel the oak tree helping me break forth of the acorn. Both of us want to be in that place and both of us have to fight for it.) 

As for kids, mine are both young enough that I don't think they would realize it's not the 'normal' for a few years and I hope that once they do realize it they are happy with their family situation enough to be strong and happy about it! 

[BeautifulBeast]

Also, along with that, it's not so much I want to do it but I don't want my husband to. It's more I want him to be happy but I don't want to have to open myself up to other people. That includes his lovers, who I would like to be friends with at least, if not occasionally more... But people suck. All of them. I am convinced of this fact. 

[Bekah]

I totally hear you, I remember my dad telling me I love you at 16, for the first time, I was walking out the door for a birthday party, I was amazed. I heard it from my mom, but rarely got the other positives so it never meant much. It was like "I love you because I have to, but you are really pretty worthless" so it might as well have not been said at all. I really struggle with my own kids in that respect. I mean I try to be as positive as possible (and I think it works, bc they actually told the therapist that I was the "emotional rock" in our family...I was like "WHAT?!?!?! Oh shit we are in trouble!!!! LOL!")

as far as the poly stuff, I LOVE how you are dealing with it. We had a bit easier time with it in the beginning, because J was Muslim when I married him, and so was I, and while its not common, more than one wife is an accepted practice, so I knew it could come to that, but with our life, it wouldn't be for a LONG time if ever, bc he had enough on his plate, and with my jealousy issues, he wasnt willing to put anyone else through that...so I knew from that that he was at least able to be poly, but I was still of the belief that everyone was essentially poly at that point to some degree, rather than some strictly mono, but it makes sense now that I have been part of all these discussions and such. So all he wanted was for me to give him permission. LOL! Now he is like a kid in a candy store! The fact that I am willing to participate in any relationships if the other person is interested in both of us, just makes it all the better for him. I don't really want a "relationship" (the whole sit next to eachother and play video games thing we talked about...lol) but I want him to have one, and I kinda want her to live with us, because well, then I get used to her, and its not all weird and I dont have to "play nice" bc she will see the good and the bad all the time...but I know that's a whole other dynamic in a relationship, living together vs dating outside of the house...bah but you are right, the communication is sooooo much better now! It was weird, for me, the jealousy stuff went away, when I left and realized he could have moved on, but he didnt...so I realized I had shit to be jealous about at that point, bc if he still wants to be with me after I tell him to move on, then well, he really wants ME. Feels fudking crazy weird to think someone actually loves "me" for me....but I guess anything is possible! 

[BeautifulBeast]

 . Feels fudking crazy weird to think someone actually loves "me" for me....but I guess anything is possible! 

This is the hardest part for me. Believing someone can actually love me for me. I tell hubby all the time that I often think he doesn't actually love ME but moreso the idea of me (you know the house wife raising the kids while he's out enjoying life type deal). I know it's not true, logically I know he loves me or else he wouldn't be fighting so damn hard to keep me around, but my heart is a bitch, and cynical and it's hard to get passed that fear. 

See in my 'ideal world' (which let's face it, is probably never going to happen because well....life. And people can't just fit into the role I create for them!) I would love to find another guy to date us both. My husband wants this as well, so it's not super far-fetched, but I have this whole scenario of us all living together and sharing a bed and being super happy in love while playing video games next to each other on the couch lol. 

If I could get over all my issues with the female species, I would be alright with that person being female as well. But I am mostly drawn towards male energies the same way people with male abusers or 'daddy issues' shy away from men at times and take solace in feminist energies. 

I shower my kids with praise and love all the time. I'm constantly telling them both they are perfect how they are, they are amazing and they are beautiful inside and out. Any accomplishment, small or large, is met with some degree of praise. One day this will probably back fire on them and I'm sure as adults they will need constant reassurance of their awesomeness, similar to my damn husband, I'm sure but I would rather them have issues from too much praise than issues with inadequacy. 

[Bekah]

and LOL I am so out of it, that I thought we were having this discussion on your challenge thread! Well, now y'all know some of my baggage too, not that I hide it anyway, but there it is

[FamilyBeer]

I haven't met (in person) either of you but you both sound like amazing persons, how your parents (biological or otherwise) could not shower you with love is unfathomable. It is good that you have found each other to share your life stories and pains!

[Teirin]

I haven't met (in person) either of you but you both sound like amazing persons, how your parents (biological or otherwise) could not shower you with love is unfathomable. It is good that you have found each other to share your life stories and pains!

 

Nicely stated. 

[BeautifulBeast]

and LOL I am so out of it, that I thought we were having this discussion on your challenge thread! Well, now y'all know some of my baggage too, not that I hide it anyway, but there it is

lmbo! I was thinking I need to direct her to my thread so we're not hogging this one but hey, wasn't someone just saying there needs to be more conversation in here ;-) 

[Hit]

Cant quote on a phone for some weird reason, but beautifulbeast when you said

"One day this will probably back fire on them and I'm sure as adults they will need constant reassurance of their awesomeness,"

It made a lot of sense. My parents are super supportive and amazing, and growing up was all the praise. It helped that my sister was very obvious in her misadventures, so i was more or less considered the golden child. And now i hunt for people to tell me im awesome and even when they do i rarely believe them.

I dont blame my parents for that mind you, just kinda wanted to point out that yup thats a very real possibility

[Thrillho]

My parents raised both me and my sister very vocally praising... the other one.  They would always tell me how smart, how dedicated, how disciplined, how successful and outgoing and etc etc etc my sister is, and I could learn a thing there.

 

I found out a couple years ago, just talking with her during a barbecue, that they did the exact same thing to her, praising the everloving hell out of me, and basically telling her that she was ever so slightly disappointing.

 

Regardless, I spent the ENTIRETY OF MY EXISTENCE seeking praise, from EVERYONE, and never truly believing it when I got it.  That is... not a healthy mindset with which to live one's life. My sister managed to avoid that by vocally telling my entire family to go f*** themselves, moving out and becoming her own person. 

[Viscura]

Hi. This looks like a place where I should be!

I am non-binary transgender - or genderqueer. Feel free to use the singular "they" pronouns, or if you have comfort doing so, I like the "ze/zir" pronouns too. Or, y'know, call me Lee

 

I've read some of the posts on here, it's nice to have a safe space that seems to really be a safe space.