Help! My Significant Other Doesn't Want to Get Healthy!

[spezzy]

We have a lot of rebels in committed relationships in the Nerd Fitness Rebellion.

Unfortunately, we also have a lot of rebels in relationships struggling to live healthier lives while their significant other isn't interested at all in making changes...making living a leveled up life all that more difficult.

Here's a recent email I received, though I tend to get a handful of emails with similar situations every week: from husbands worried about wives, wives worried about husbands, girlfriends worried about girlfriends, children worried about their parents, robots worried about their robots, and so forth.

Here's that email:

Hey Steve!

Being healthy and living right has been very challenging to say the least. I'm currently struggling with making dietary adjustments: I tried creating my own grocery list separate from my family, but found out very quickly that I truly cannot afford it.

I've not quit working towards my goal of a healthier lifestyle. On the contrary, I am trying to bring my wife on board. It is an uphill battle with her: she works full-time, is in school, and also works full-time as a mom for our two children. She THINKS she has no time to prepare food ahead of time, and more often than not she opts for fast food or something prepackaged. We've been trying to eat healthier together, but it is taking a considerable amount of time and effort on my part to accomplish this.

I have a hunch there are plenty of readers out there who are financially obligated to eat what the rest of the family is eating and want to change, but may be meeting resistance from a significant other. Too often I have been a quitter in the things I start, but I am so sick of the way I look and feel that it just disgusts me to even consider giving up now. I want to be able to see my grandkids one day (my children are 3 and 7) and I want my wife to see them as well. I know there are people out there like me who may be considering giving up because the push back from someone so close makes it feel impossible.

For the Rebellion!

Sam

How to turn things around...

This is a crappy situation, one that I'm sure a HUGE portion of the Nerd Fitness community is dealing with right now.

You are with somebody who you love unconditionally, yet they enable your unhealthy behavior and push back when you say you want to make changes. In fact, when you tell your loved one that you want to lose weight or start eating better, they say something like "but I like you just the way you are."

There are other (even more difficult) situations in which rebels have loved ones who have let themselves go physically...and let's be honest, there is NO good way to tell from somebody you love things like "you need to lose weight" or "you really should start exercising." If you are worried about this person, I bet they already feel incredibly self-conscious and will get immediately defensive if you open up a discussion with them about their health or appearance.

If you can relate to Sam's struggle, it's time to use a bit of Inception to get your uncooperative significant other on board!

Plant the seed

As we've learned from Dom Cobb in Christopher Nolan's

:

"What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks; right in there somewhere." If you have a significant other who is out of shape, not interested in getting healthy, and you find yourself worried about him/her, unfortunately you can't FORCE them to exercise. Nagging them to exercise, or telling them they should exercise will NOT work. If its not your significant other's own idea, he/she will reject it or quickly give up at the first sign of resistance.

You CAN, however, plant an idea deep in their subconscious that life is better when leveling up, inception style! Note: We're not advocating outright manipulation of your significant other - we saw how that worked out for Cobb's wife in the movie. Instead, we're merely suggesting that you align the pieces in the right place so that when your significant other IS ready to change, they're lined up for success.

1) Get the conversation started, but DON'T make it about them (thanks to Ramit for inspiration on this one). Here are some examples: "Hey, I've been trying to lose some weight lately...what do you think about the Paleo Diet?" or "I've been reading this kickass website called Nerd Fitness lately and it has me thinking about how I want to make better habits. Are there any bad habits of mine you'd like me to change?" Yup, this is you throwing yourself under the bus, but at least it gets the conversation started!

2) Constantly ask for their advice and support on being healthier, even if you don't need it. The goal is to get them talking about making healthier decisions, and make it more and more comfortable to bring up the conversation in the future. When you find interesting articles about healthier living, share it with them and ask for their opinion.

3) Use me as the bad guy. "Hey I read about this idea for habit change on Nerd Fitness...seems like it's a little ridiculous, but what do you think?"

4) Try something together. "____ Seems like a cool experiment, but I'm worried that I can't follow through with it by myself. Can we try this 30-day challenge together? I know you can help me stay on track."

5) To borrow another quote from Inception: "Positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time." If they start making changes and you can notice a change (no matter how small), comments like, "Did you lose weight? You look great! Whatever you're doing, keep it up!" will go a LONG way. Become your significant other's biggest cheerleader and supporter. If you are constantly having an open discussion about health and wellness, sharing tips, asking for opinions and advice, HOPEFULLY you'll get to the point where one day your significant other comes to you with an idea of their own that they're "gonna try to lose a few pounds and try this 'getting healthy' thing." Remember, that idea NEEDS to be their own, or it won't take hold.

Build your team

Once you've explained that you are working on improving YOUR life, you may still face pushback. Getting your significant other on your team is essential. If you are constantly trying to eat new types of food, to cook instead of getting fast food, or doing more active things and spending less time with your significant other, it can lead to hurt feelings and poor results...and we don't want that.

Instead, you need to get your loved one on your team! You have a few options here:

Set a reward - Explain that you're in a weight loss competition at work, and the winner gets $500 (this would be a good time to start a competition at work), and if you WIN, you'll be spending that money on a romantic getaway for the two of you. Suddenly, they're working WITH you to win that getaway rather than sabotaging you with hurt feelings, a

, Pizza Hut, and ice cream.

Find ways to be active together - Explain that you really need help staying on track, so you'd like to exercise together. Find activities that you both can do together, but don't limit it to working out. Try hikes in the woods or park, a salsa dancing class, karate class, a yoga class, and so on.

Create a reward system with each other - If you have a significant other that is already interested in getting healthier, spend an hour with each other creating a fun spreadsheet of rewards for each other, keeping it as innocent or not innocent as you want - your call

• Every time either of you loses a few pounds, you get a 30 minute massage or foot rub.
  
• When you collectively lose a certain amount of weight, you get a special date night at your favorite restaurant.
  
• Think of it like turning your life into a video game, except with way cooler, joint rewards.
  

Be a role model, not a dreamer

While you're trying to better yourself, until your significant other has fully jumped on board with changing themselves, you'll face a barrage of well-intentioned but incredibly destructive comments like:

"Skip your run this morning, and sleep in!""Want to sit on the couch and watch TV tonight?""Why are you trying to change? I like you just the way you are!"Your response needs to be something along the lines of: "Honey/Pumpkin/Muffin/Moonpie, I'm not doing this for you; I need to do this for me. And I need your support."

You need to become Captain America: the inspirational and motivational person that will inspire THEM to want to change.

Here's how you can get started:

• Volunteer to do the shopping. Cook meals as often as possible, and do what you can to make them healthy. Politely (but firmly) decline invitations for sweets, desserts, and other unhealthy snacks. Don't judge if he/she eats desert, but you do not have to eat poorly just because they do.
  
• Become a super hero that always picks healthy options over unhealthy ones, with a loving smile.
  

Remember, you're not doing this for him/her, you're doing it for YOU (and your friends and family).

Having a loving saboteur in your house will make this a challenge every day, which is WHY a Support Team, either offline or online, is so vitally important.

How would you help Sam?

This is just one humble nerd's opinion.

If you happen to be in a similar situation as Sam, or if you WERE in Sam's situation and found a great path out of it, how did you do it? PLEASE share your successes and struggles with your fellow rebels in the comments below.

Let's help build an army of nerdy superhero couples.

-Steve

###

photo source: spinning top, seedling, chair fall, city, sleeping team, hallway

[rtalencar]

I can't speak to this as my wife is my biggest fan in this regard. She's helped me through tough times and has always been in my corner with respect to my efforts.

That being said, if she wasn't that way, I think this article is a fantastic jumping off point to effect real, positive change in the relationship. Good stuff.

[Waldo]

Having been through this situation somewhat and now starting to come out the other side, the best advice I can give is to be positive and supportive always, and be a good role model yourself.

Don't try to force things. Being a good example yourself plants the seed. Over time there will likely be small changes in the right direction. They add up. Eventually belief that they can do it will line up with desire they'll come around.

Try to avoid pushing One True Path™ ideas, whether lifting heavy, running, a particular diet, etc..., if their journey leads them down that path that's great. And you can certainly offer helpful suggestions. But most people want to do it their own way, forcing an idea they don't necessarily want or agree with is not a recipe for success.

[smazzon1]

That comment thread...

Anyway, I'm in the same boat at the moment. My boyfriend also isn't active on this site at all and doesn't eat very healthy (no veggies or fruit). He does play basketball and softball, and we recently bought filtered water bottles together I hint here and there, but I decided it's time to just focus on me. If he wants to get healthy, that's a choice he'll have to make on his own. However whenever I can I make our meals as healthy as possible (for example, I'm making him BBQ chicken and trying a sauce recipe from scratch). I really liked this article on the whole.

[gymell]

I'm going to take a different perspective on this. The first thing that jumped out to me from this letter is that Sam's wife is working 3 jobs (regular full-time job, school, and full-time mom.) I know from my own experience how time-consuming it can be to prepare food, and I don't have kids to take care of nor am I in school. Maybe she actually DOESN'T have time for it.

My question is, what is Sam doing to change that situation? Is he stepping up to the plate in terms of housework, childcare, shopping, cooking, and cleaning? I'm assuming he hasn't because he describes her as being a "full time mom" (implying that she is taking on all of those responsibilities while he does .... what exactly?) So instead of telling her she does have time for a more healthy lifestyle, maybe he need to take a look in the mirror and ask himself, "what can I do to lighten her load so she actually DOES have time?" He might have to make some sacrifices, but if it's important to him, then he should take action - for example, offering to take on all grocery shopping/cooking/kitchen cleanup responsibilities.

[Gobnait]

In Sam's case, the easiest thing would be to learn how to cook. Even if his wife is the first to get home, a casserole dish with a note to throw it in the oven should keep her from ordering a pizza.

Even paleo is possible to juggle if it's easy enough. Casseroles and soups can be primal with some nice crusty bread for the carb-lovers, standard meat-veggie-carb combos are fine with one abstaining from the carb.

[Raikas]

I'm going to take a different perspective on this. The first thing that jumped out to me from this letter is that Sam's wife is working 3 jobs (regular full-time job, school, and full-time mom.) I know from my own experience how time-consuming it can be to prepare food, and I don't have kids to take care of nor am I in school. Maybe she actually DOESN'T have time for it.

My question is, what is Sam doing to change that situation?

This is such a good point! If he's so worried about her eating and also so convinced that there's time, why isn't he cooking the family meals? It's one thing to talk about supporting your partner, but why not act on that and do some it yourself? Especially if she has so much on her plate (so to speak ) already?

[rtalencar]

I'm going to take a different perspective on this. The first thing that jumped out to me from this letter is that Sam's wife is working 3 jobs (regular full-time job, school, and full-time mom.) I know from my own experience how time-consuming it can be to prepare food, and I don't have kids to take care of nor am I in school. Maybe she actually DOESN'T have time for it.

My question is, what is Sam doing to change that situation? Is he stepping up to the plate in terms of housework, childcare, shopping, cooking, and cleaning? I'm assuming he hasn't because he describes her as being a "full time mom" (implying that she is taking on all of those responsibilities while he does .... what exactly?) So instead of telling her she does have time for a more healthy lifestyle, maybe he need to take a look in the mirror and ask himself, "what can I do to lighten her load so she actually DOES have time?" He might have to make some sacrifices, but if it's important to him, then he should take action - for example, offering to take on all grocery shopping/cooking/kitchen cleanup responsibilities.

To give him the benefit of the doubt:

We've been trying to eat healthier together, but it is taking a considerable amount of time and effort on my part to accomplish this.

Says to me that he is taking those steps, or trying to, but that it's difficult if his wife isn't on board with the process.

[gymell]

I guess I didn't read it that way - he admits it takes considerable time and effort for him, but says that his wife only THINKS she doesn't have the time, while she's trying to juggle three jobs. And he doesn't clarify what effort he's making - is it just trying to persuade her, or is he taking ownership of the responsibility for the family's lifestyle change? I assumed the former since he refers to her as a full time mom but doesn't talk about what his contributions the household duties are.

[rtalencar]

I guess I didn't read it that way - he admits it takes considerable time and effort for him, but says that his wife only THINKS she doesn't have the time, while she's trying to juggle three jobs. And he doesn't clarify what effort he's making - is it just trying to persuade her, or is he taking ownership of the responsibility for the family's lifestyle change? I assumed the latter since he refers to her as a full time mom but doesn't talk about what his contributions the household duties are.

No that's totally fair, and it certainly could be the case. Just pointing out that there is the possibility he's not a slacker =)

Gotta stand up for the other lazy husbands out there like myself!

[Thrillho]

I've not had any luck with this, sadly.

My wife works a part-time job, along with a Saturday-only job that only has two more weeks. Working out has not been a big priority for her. She started Couch to 5K in January 2011 for one day. She bought Vibrams recently, because she loves her five-toe socks and because shoes never really fit her well, and she LOVES her Vibrams. That said, she still gets me to drive her to work, which is only seven blocks away. She racks up about six hours a day on her parenting board and chat room. Long story short, time is not a factor for her at all.

I lost 35 pounds this summer, bought another 100 pounds of bar weights and I am now using them ALL. She's seen me make huge progress on my One Mile and Three Mile runs, and helped me buy awesome runners (her co-boss at work is a professional marathon and ultramarathon runner, she knows all about shoes). She even reminded me all summer to go for my jogs. She has been substantially more helpful this year than at any point in the last decade, where she politely mocked all my efforts.

So, I've made good progress, but I still can't seem to lure her into it. She eats healthy in general (vegetarian), but like me she also enjoys treats and the occasional binges, and desserts. She's a professional cook, so right now at home we've got several kinds of homemade pie, homemade bagels with homemade cream cheese, and who knows what she's making today. I've tried planting the ideas, and she's seen it work for me, but... still nothing.

Right now I think the best thing I can do is accept that maybe she's just not ready for it yet.

[Gobnait]

I've not had any luck with this, sadly.

My wife works a part-time job, along with a Saturday-only job that only has two more weeks. Working out has not been a big priority for her. She started Couch to 5K in January 2011 for one day. She bought Vibrams recently, because she loves her five-toe socks and because shoes never really fit her well, and she LOVES her Vibrams. That said, she still gets me to drive her to work, which is only seven blocks away. She racks up about six hours a day on her parenting board and chat room. Long story short, time is not a factor for her at all.

I lost 35 pounds this summer, bought another 100 pounds of bar weights and I am now using them ALL. She's seen me make huge progress on my One Mile and Three Mile runs, and helped me buy awesome runners (her co-boss at work is a professional marathon and ultramarathon runner, she knows all about shoes). She even reminded me all summer to go for my jogs. She has been substantially more helpful this year than at any point in the last decade, where she politely mocked all my efforts.

So, I've made good progress, but I still can't seem to lure her into it. She eats healthy in general (vegetarian), but like me she also enjoys treats and the occasional binges, and desserts. She's a professional cook, so right now at home we've got several kinds of homemade pie, homemade bagels with homemade cream cheese, and who knows what she's making today. I've tried planting the ideas, and she's seen it work for me, but... still nothing.

Right now I think the best thing I can do is accept that maybe she's just not ready for it yet.

Can you sabotage the car, especially without causing too much hassle for her? You might end having to walk her to work, but she'll probably be able to find a way home. Only try this once.

Well, this is the pot calling the kettle an asshole, but spending six hours on a board is the sign of another problem.

[Thrillho]

Exactly, and broaching THAT directly has never worked, so I am currently just trying to lead by example and not worry too much about it.

[Waldo]

Exactly, and broaching THAT directly has never worked, so I am currently just trying to lead by example and not worry too much about it.

She'll come around. Being a good example, positive, and supportive is about the best you can do.

[Relic]

I've gotten to the point where I can brush off most of the comments and dirty looks from my wife. She refers to my healthy meals as cr*p and tells me how much it stinks, she has told me that my diet isn't any healthier and mocks me if I go off of it ("so you only don't eat bread when it's convinient for you?"), she puts up a big stink if I don't eat what she made for dinner,... I could go on for pages, but, like I said, I am able to brush it off.

My big problem is when I get into one of my slumps (undiagnosed depression), I don't have the extra mental energy to keep my defenses up.

My slumps last from 2 days to a week and a half and so far, every time I lose most of my momentum for healthy eating, mobility, and exercising.

It's a work in progress, I have noticed lately that I've been gaining my momentum back faster post-slump.

I guess I'll have to amend the soil before I ever hope to plant the seed...

[andyTHFC]

....so I am currently just trying to lead by example and not worry too much about it.

I've tried that for a long time now. Still nothing. Very frustrating.

[rtalencar]

Gymnell, I agree. Which is why I said that whomever wants to get healthy, needs to take primary responsibility for the cooking. I think Sam's main problem is that deep down, he still sees cooking and meal planning as the woman's responsibility. He says it's taking a lot of time and effort to healthy. Well, yes. It does. That's life.

You want to eat healthy, and your partner is too busy to make it happen for you? Accept that the price of change is learning to do this stuff yourself.

His wife has three jobs, he acknowledges she's very busy, but thinks that somehow she should rearrange her remaining free time to accommodate his new eat-healthy hobby? He mentions he's often quit things in the past, so it's also possible she's not taking this latest get-fit enthusiasm from him very seriously, having seen it before. If he wants to prove it's different this time, he needs to show it, and there's nothing better than taking on responsibility for your own choices for proving that.

Again to take the other side of the argument, I'll respond to "He says it's taking a lot of time and effort to healthy. Well, yes. It does. That's life."

I think it's important to mention first that based on his comments about her choosing specific foods for lack of time, he should take the initiative to cook some healthy meals and see what happens. However, it can be pretty tough to be proactive about doing these things for his wife if she doesn't want to be a part of it. It's one thing to expect him to carry his weight and help with the cooking and other activities around the house (of which we can only speculate how little or how much he does). It's quite another to expect him to do said cooking if his wife doesn't want to eat those things and isn't amenable to healthy options. The latter scenario can be a very difficult one to overcome. He's already stated that he cannot afford to have two different grocery lists. If I were in his shoes, the work and effort wouldn't be from having to cook, it would be from putting up with a whole house of people complaining that they want different kinds of food than what's available. For that, I think having both parents on board can be extremely important.

[Waldo]

For me it was always little things. Like mentioning a snack that is particularly low-calorie for the amount of snack you get, or pointing out which of our regular dinners are low or high calorie, and looking for new meal options that we may both enjoy. Suggesting that we get out and take baby for a walk or do something active when bored. Discouraging eating out by offering to cook, and when eating out trying to go to places that tend to be more dieter friendly.

[Zorch]

Having been through this situation somewhat and now starting to come out the other side, the best advice I can give is to be positive and supportive always, and be a good role model yourself.

Don't try to force things. Being a good example yourself plants the seed. Over time there will likely be small changes in the right direction. They add up. Eventually belief that they can do it will line up with desire they'll come around.

Try to avoid pushing One True Path™ ideas, whether lifting heavy, running, a particular diet, etc..., if their journey leads them down that path that's great. And you can certainly offer helpful suggestions. But most people want to do it their own way, forcing an idea they don't necessarily want or agree with is not a recipe for success.

This x10. There's a fine line between suggesting something is a good idea, and getting pushy and pissing people off. Presenting something as "This worked great for me!" and being a living example instead of "you should try doing this" makes all the difference in the world in how the message is received.

[Gobnait]

Wow Phylanx, your honey sounds like a jealous sabatour. Glad the non-confrontational path is working, hope she backs down soon.

[gymell]

Again to take the other side of the argument, I'll respond to "He says it's taking a lot of time and effort to healthy. Well, yes. It does. That's life."

I think it's important to mention first that based on his comments about her choosing specific foods for lack of time, he should take the initiative to cook some healthy meals and see what happens. However, it can be pretty tough to be proactive about doing these things for his wife if she doesn't want to be a part of it. It's one thing to expect him to carry his weight and help with the cooking and other activities around the house (of which we can only speculate how little or how much he does). It's quite another to expect him to do said cooking if his wife doesn't want to eat those things and isn't amenable to healthy options. The latter scenario can be a very difficult one to overcome. He's already stated that he cannot afford to have two different grocery lists. If I were in his shoes, the work and effort wouldn't be from having to cook, it would be from putting up with a whole house of people complaining that they want different kinds of food than what's available. For that, I think having both parents on board can be extremely important.

I agree that it's important to have everyone on board with a healthy lifestyle. But he didn't present his problem as "I've taken on all the grocery shopping/kitchen duties, but nobody wants to eat the healthy food I'm making for them", but rather, "my wife has three jobs and I don't understand why she thinks she doesn't have time to make healthy food for us." So of course I'm going to question what he's actually doing to change the situation.

[Thrillho]

I already work three jobs, do all the shopping and most of the cooking. Someone asking me to change my cooking and eating habits is gonna get a smack*.

*Metaphorically.

[rtalencar]

I agree that it's important to have everyone on board with a healthy lifestyle. But he didn't present his problem as "I've taken on all the grocery shopping/kitchen duties, but nobody wants to eat the healthy food I'm making for them", but rather, "my wife has three jobs and I don't understand why she thinks she doesn't have time to make healthy food for us." So of course I'm going to question what he's actually doing to change the situation.

I think at the end of the day we'd need more information to decide for sure. You noticed the part about him mentioning her being a full-time mom. I noticed the part about him stating he was working towards his goal of being healthy and the part where he brought up meeting resistance from his significant other.

All I can say is I'm happy my wife is on board with my goals.

[gymell]

Agreed! I hope whatever the situation is, it works out for them. I'm very fortunate that my partner and I are both on the same page about nutrition and fitness.