How are you dealing with...

[Skye.]

Friends.

Let me explain myself: I've been trying to eat really clean since earlier this year. Things went pretty well, since I'm the one who's cooking/making lunches at home I can easily make healthy choices. Luckily, my boyfriend is never complaining about the food I cook. When I eat something he doesn't like (like fish) he just eat something else. The problem is when it comes to hang out/go out/go eat with friends. None of them really care about working out nor eating clean. Everytime we go out, I try not to drink alcohol or eat some nachos or pizza with them even though it's tempting.

The problem is when we're invited to dinner. Food is never paleo, there is always alcohol and I'd feel really rude to ask them to adjust to MY diet. Furthermore, I realise friends tend not to invite us (bf and I) as often as they used to because of that. My girlfriends won't ask me to go out with them because they know I won't drink. They don't understand why I want to go workout that often and eat that healthy because "I'm not fat" (5'8 for 140lbs). It sucks, I really feel like I have to make a choice between social life and diet/gym. I also get the feeling that I'm not supported at all by my friends, even though they are all very impressed with the changes they see on my body. I feel like they're finding me boring because I'm not always in to order pizza or drink a 6 pack on every wednesday night with them as I used to.

Is there anyone else feeling that way or ever went through something like that? Any tips/suggestions for poor little me? I want to do a 30 days 100% paleo diet in January and I don't know how I'm going to do it without locking myself into my apparment lol.

[mksiemens]

yah its definitely challenging when your values change and your social group doesn't go with you.

what i've seen in others and found in my own life, is that when that happens, usually your social group slowly changes, start hanging out with different people and seeing your old friends less and less. just the usual fact of how your social network evolves as you go thru different stages of life.

i know some people stay with the same people for life, and if you're one of those people, then i would say, try and find some ways to make it work without destroying your diet.

maybe have a light beer or 2 instead of a 6 pack. it really depends how strict you want to be, but like you said it seems like it's not gonna work out if you stay super strict, so you'll have to either find new friends, or compromise.

my best friends right now are obsessed with food, i've done alright with them because i still eat everytime i'm with them, and still eat a similar amount( slightly decreased) as i always do, i just try and fill my plate with better things and take a smaller amount of the high carb/high fat stuff. no one's even noticed cus my plate is still full and i leave feeling good because i didn't let myself go and just had a few more calories than my ideal meal.

[Wooksquatch]

Depending on how often you go out or go to dinner at a friends house I would suggest just let it go,if you have no food allergies, make healthy choices about what you eat and portion sizes and enjoy the food and the company. Most of the parties I attend have veggie plates with dip, eat the veggies not the dip, if theres guacamole available I usually eat that with the veggies. If I am going out I will order some chicken wings, most of the time these can be ordered "naked" no sauce or breadings. Assuming about 93 meals per month if you went out once a week and had a non clean meal you would still be 95.70% clean which is really admirable. Eating clean should not put you on lockdown, enjoy your life you only get one.

[Victoriaoke]

They probably feel that you are being judgmental of them/their continued choices, whether you actually are or not. Sometimes I think, when you are a normal weight or you are slim, when you say you're on a new diet (even though "diet" is really just a catch all term for what you eat and not necessarily about weight loss), friends that feel less confident about their appearance start to feel like, "well, if she's on a diet, she must think I'm a cow." In my experience, people seem to take everything personally, whether it makes sense or not.

Just try and make it clear that, hey! I'm still the same fun-loving Skye! I still think you guys are awesome! I don't usually advocate lying, but since you're doing mostly Paleo you could just tell them you found out you were Gluten intolerant and that's why you're trying to avoid wheat-stuff (and I think Tequila is one of the few non-grain alcohols, so you could easily use this to explain the less drinking away, too).

I don't know, it's always rough to accept, but people change. If they can't accept you for who you are, are they really people you want to hang out with anyway? Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do.

[Skye.]

yah its definitely challenging when your values change and your social group doesn't go with you.

what i've seen in others and found in my own life, is that when that happens, usually your social group slowly changes, start hanging out with different people and seeing your old friends less and less. just the usual fact of how your social network evolves as you go thru different stages of life.

i know some people stay with the same people for life, and if you're one of those people, then i would say, try and find some ways to make it work without destroying your diet.

maybe have a light beer or 2 instead of a 6 pack. it really depends how strict you want to be, but like you said it seems like it's not gonna work out if you stay super strict, so you'll have to either find new friends, or compromise.

my best friends right now are obsessed with food, i've done alright with them because i still eat everytime i'm with them, and still eat a similar amount( slightly decreased) as i always do, i just try and fill my plate with better things and take a smaller amount of the high carb/high fat stuff. no one's even noticed cus my plate is still full and i leave feeling good because i didn't let myself go and just had a few more calories than my ideal meal.

Depending on how often you go out or go to dinner at a friends house I would suggest just let it go,if you have no food allergies, make healthy choices about what you eat and portion sizes and enjoy the food and the company. Most of the parties I attend have veggie plates with dip, eat the veggies not the dip, if theres guacamole available I usually eat that with the veggies. If I am going out I will order some chicken wings, most of the time these can be ordered "naked" no sauce or breadings. Assuming about 93 meals per month if you went out once a week and had a non clean meal you would still be 95.70% clean which is really admirable. Eating clean should not put you on lockdown, enjoy your life you only get one.

I don't want to stop seeing them because they have unhealthy habbits. They are my bf's friends as well and I don't want to "punish" him because of the choices I made. I find him really understanding with me, my diet and my gym routine, I don't want to add stuff...

Also, it's difficult to fill my plate with veggies and meat when we're invited because I'm not the one making the plates and it's pastas 90% of the time... I try to let myself go when I'm with them but I don't want to ruin all the efforts I'm making during the week by cheating on the week-ends. I'm kind of "new" to all this low-carbs/paleo thing and I'm concerned about how my eating habbits will affect my results since I want more muscles definition and lower my body fat.

They probably feel that you are being judgmental of them/their continued choices, whether you actually are or not. Sometimes I think, when you are a normal weight or you are slim, when you say you're on a new diet (even though "diet" is really just a catch all term for what you eat and not necessarily about weight loss), friends that feel less confident about their appearance start to feel like, "well, if she's on a diet, she must think I'm a cow." In my experience, people seem to take everything personally, whether it makes sense or not.

Just try and make it clear that, hey! I'm still the same fun-loving Skye! I still think you guys are awesome! I don't usually advocate lying, but since you're doing mostly Paleo you could just tell them you found out you were Gluten intolerant and that's why you're trying to avoid wheat-stuff (and I think Tequila is one of the few non-grain alcohols, so you could easily use this to explain the less drinking away, too).

I don't know, it's always rough to accept, but people change. If they can't accept you for who you are, are they really people you want to hang out with anyway? Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do.

I think I'll need to have a talk with them. I love these guys really much and hate the feeling that I'm maybe considered as the boring one. The gluten thing is a really good idea, I used to say I'm on medication or have a headache to avoid drinking but the excuse is becoming repetitive

[Gobnait]

I'm a clean-eater for the wrong reasons. (Got poked into being a cheapskate foodie, then followed it's natural evolution to not eating things that can't be made from scratch, or commercial products that would taste significantly different from home-made food.) Yes, I'm irrationally afraid of HFCS and certain preservatives, and at some point I discovered that I am low-grade intolerant to something in convenience food; but I'm unwilling to spend the money and effort to even narrow the intolerance down, assuming it's one specific thing, since it would require eating frozen garbage for at least a week, or possibly some more complicated binge and cleanse strategy that could go on for months.

All that said, I still cheat. There is only so long that I can tolerate my own cooking, and various levels of going on strike are different amounts of hardship to hubby. Plus, there are times when hubby independently gets sick of my cooking and doesn't want to cook himself. (Him getting sick of my cooking is not a fighting point at this level of frequency.)

You can make them think you've given up your diet and use social things as a cheat day. You can host girls' nights and serve inoffensive things. You can suggest fun that doesn't involve food. You can find new friends.

[Skye.]

The problem with cheat days/cheat meals is that I'm afraid it will ruined all my efforts... As I said, I'm kind of new to the paleo thing and weight training so I don't know how much I have to stick to the diet to see results. Would need some enlightment about this

[mksiemens]

The problem with cheat days/cheat meals is that I'm afraid it will ruined all my efforts... As I said, I'm kind of new to the paleo thing and weight training so I don't know how much I have to stick to the diet to see results. Would need some enlightment about this

it really depends on your goals.

are you trying to lose weight every week?

what are the "results" you are looking for? because what your goals are will make a huge difference with how much you need to stick to paleo or not

personally im not paleo, just try to eat healthy and proper serving sizes making the best choices i can at every meal. keeping the sweets to minimum has made a huge difference and ive managed to get my body fat % nice and low.

so let us know what results you want and we'll try and help you figure out how strict you'll need to be to get there

[Raincloak]

I find it hard to believe your friends won't go out with you just because you don't drink. If it's a classy bar, you could get soda and bitters or something. Even a cheap bar will serve diet soda. Or just get a small drink and nurse it as long as possible. The occasional Scotch or glass of wine won't harm you diet wis

That said, if eating and drinking is your main form of social activity, maybe you need to think up some new things to do. Go play a sport. Go see a movie (or have movie night at home, and bring a veggie tray and nuts to snack on). Go to a museum. Play video games. Play chess. Go on photo safari (try a scavenger hunt around town). Go geocaching. Walk the dog (kids, spouse, ferret...)

[Skye.]

I mainly want more muscles definition and lower my body fat. At the moment I'm doing HIIT and weight training 3 times a week and I take a Bodypump class on Saturday morning.

[Gobnait]

I think the only effort you can ruin is if you're testing sensitivity. I think that a sporadic cleanse is ruined every time you stop, but an ongoing effort is only ruined if it lays fallow.

[Silex73]

I am in the same boat as you I think. I want to go out but dont cause i know i will drink or eat badly. But then I regret not going out cause I would have had a good time. Now whenever I know I am gonna cheat I try to do an intense workout before I go out. So far its been working out for me. Went out last friday had a ton of beers and shots and had a slice of pizza to cap it all off. Next morning I regretted the eating but just thought Get the fuck over it life happens. cant realistically expect to always be perfect as long as you jump right back into eating right and if you're not too hungover do another intense workout the next morning or afternoon then you should be ok. Just gotta find the right balance

[mksiemens]

I mainly want more muscles definition and lower my body fat. At the moment I'm doing HIIT and weight training 3 times a week and I take a Bodypump class on Saturday morning.

right on. well having those goals gives you more flexibility with the paleo. i think steve wrote an article on paleo and said something like aim for 80% or something like that.

if your eating paleo the whole time your not with your friends and you just try and make decent choices while out with your friends you'll do great. Don't throw in the towel and give up everytime you're with them. But it doesn't have to be crazy drastic. You'll still get awesome results because the primary reason why paleo is effective is because you end up eating less calories because you're making deliberate and better choices.

Good luck! I hope this helps!

[The Tin Man]

I haven't had a chance to read all the (certainly) outstanding points, but I wanted to link to a metaphor a bit ago from a similar post that really resonated with me.

OK, here is the deal when it comes to energy...and frankly, when you understand energy, you get a lot more about human relationships. YOU are currently at a certain frequency and those around you are USED to plugging into YOU and getting a part of what they need from you...and you are used to getting a part of what you need from them. When you change..your energy and frequency changes and that change, however imperceptible to the conscious mind creates confusion and apprehension on a subconscious level because the others are USED to getting a piece of you at your old frequency.

What do it? DISCOURAGE YOU--your frequency and energy drops down--and whoopieee---they get your energy at their level....of course, they COULD encourage you and then be motivated to change themselves and increase their frequency and join you at the higher (leveled up) level....

I have been through this routine with my own family and my husband before too...and then I decided to stop looking for encouragement from others because the ONLY one that matters is ME....I built self love and self confidence and kept my actions to myself and affirmed myself--a weird thing happened...my husband started to spontaneously go for walks by himself and join me in exercising. My daughter did the same thing...we are all eating healthy--we are all exercising, we are all quitting bad habits, sleeping better, spending more time together simply because I chose to increase my frequency and disable their ability to bring me back down...if they WANT A PIECE OF ME...they have to join ME at my level...

try it...you'll like it!

[UberMoM]

I haven't had a chance to read all the (certainly) outstanding points, but I wanted to link to a metaphor a bit ago from a similar post that really resonated with me.

That was a good point Tin Man

I know that I have had to stop hanging out with some people who I used to love because our once compatible energy now clashes. They would rather bring me down than come up and I refuse to go down. One of my friends drinks and smokes all the time. I slipped this summer and started smoking and drinking again. It was easy because I had someone to do it with. Well I have quit and subsequently have had to stop hanging out with said friend because all I hear when I am with her is "Want a drink" or "Lets go smoke" and "Come on it won't hurt you" So needless to say it is just easier not hanging out with her. I have explained to her why and she understands. We see each other at larger functions but don't hang out one on one any more.

[LRB]

Eat before you go out with them; order something other than pizza for yourself; bring some food to heat up; bring some seltzer.

and then laugh at yourself. Say things like "it surprises the hell out of me, but I just don't want pizza these days" or "I don't know why or how, but I feel better when I eat this way, and so I'm going with it." Or "I'm really curious to see what I feel like after X months of doing this - then I'll decide whether I'm going to stick with it."

Or - if you don't want to be that obvious, offer to bring an appetizer when you go to a gathering where other people are cooking and then bring something substantial and paleo. Or offer to bring a side (baked sweet potatoes, stuffed green peppers, whatever).

Mostly, though, be chill about it all. The less of a big deal you make about it, the easier it will be for others not to make a big deal about it.

Hey, if most of what they prepare is pasta, maybe you could cook a spaghetti squash before you go, and put the pasta sauce on that?

Good luck with it all!

[Skye.]

Thank you all for your replies! You've been reassuring me a lot concerning the diet. Since I'm not losing at all on the scale I thought I was doing something wrong... and since I'm barely not cheating on the diet, eating 1500 calories or less (I track everything, everyday) and doing my workouts I figured the cheats meals were bringing me down and that I needed to suppress them totally.

It's a brand new world to me, weight lifting I mean. I was so used just to eat right and lose weight, used to rely on the scale that I find it really hard to see my weight stagnate. I took a picture of myself when I started going to the gym, I think I'll take another one every month to see the progress.

[DaygloNirvana]

Have you considered playing host to some of your get togethers? That way you have a bit more control over things like what foods are being served and things like that. You can make sure whatever you're doing isn't food-centric, like maybe a movie night or something?

I have to agree with some people that stated you can't ever go out while staying paleo. Just remember that some places realize that their diners might have dietary restrictions. I can count three different places that have been very accommodating when it comes to asking for a burger with no cheese and no bun Sure, I might get a temporary funny look from the waitstaff for a second, a quick comment of "I can't eat bread" usually gets an understanding nod.

Even if you wanted to go out to the bar with your friends, as has been said previously, most bars/restaurants/pubs do have diet coke on tap, or there's always ice water with lemon. You might find the friendliest of your friends, sit down with them, and TALK to them about it. Let them know you're feeling left out, and what can be done to change it. I hope your situation improves.

[Gobnait]

Does Paleo and calorie restriction go together? I haven't done the math between "don't worry about how much you are eating" and "it's really hard to get huge surpluses of calories without grains."

[gojirama]

Maybe you could offer to drive? They'd be grateful to be able to drink all they want. When I do go to a brewpub with the husband,I usually have a hard cider (it's just fruit juice, fermented!) and let myself have the chips and salsa or fries.

[Doris The Funkasaurus]

Hey, safety in numbers. Maybe your diligence and hard work makes your friends feel insecure about their own habits. It's easier to go nuts of nachos and booze when everyone's doing it. Seems like their shortcoming, not yours. So long as you're not being that healthier-than-thou chick, judging them for what they do (and I'm sure you're not! And it sounds like you're being cool about considering your boyfriend's feelings, too) then I'd say you're in good shape. I agree with one of the previous posters- take something along to pitch-in that fits in with your own goals, and then you'll know you're covered.

I'm struggling with the booze side right now. I've set a 3 week challenge for myself since I've just started out in earnest again, I'm shooting for no grains, no sugar, no booze from now until Thanksgiving. And I've been really shocked how frequently I'm tempted, with those three things as my focus. If I hang out with certain people, I know I'm going to blow it. I need to accept that people change and I guess I'm growing up, because I no longer feel any pressure to change what I do to make other people feel good about themselves. I'd rather stay in than go out and mess up my hard work. I'd rather my jeans start fitting me better.

And gojirama is spot on- you offer to be the DD, they won't care what you eat or don't eat.

[alice-on]

I have some friends that react kind of like yours to my fitness lifestyle, but I've made a group of friends that could care less what I eat or whether or not I drink.