The vicious cycle...

[Moosassin]

Hi there, newbie here. Found this site today through a link from a blog post a friend linked that was on Reddit, which is pretty roundabout I guess. I'm 26 years old, of the vagina-having persuasion, 5'7", and was 290lbs at my fattest. I'm currently 282 and 3 weeks into a gluten-free diet. My cousin is a holistic practitioner, and with her and my GP we found out I had a gluten allergy. I had this rash on my left hand that just would not go away, but it's finally started to dissipate. I had heard of the paleo diet before (the 'caveman' diet), but hadn't really looked into it before today. After spending the better part of the last 4 hours doing some reading on the subject, I have decided that this is the exact kind of change I need.

I'm excited to start because it isn't all that different from what I've already been doing, just to another level.

As a kid, I was very athletic and tomboyish. I loved to play sports, and running was my favourite thing to do (along with gaming, of course). I remember riding my bike all summer long, and swimming with my friends every single weekend at the local leisure centre. I liked to do those things, they made me happy. But then... I was just about to turn 12, it was my first year of junior high school (grade 7). It was a cloudy and kind of crappy September morning, a Monday because Mondays are always the best day. I was walking to school with my 2 girlfriends who lived by me, and we had one last street to cross before getting to school.

This crosswalk was situated at the top of a pretty steep hill, and visibility has ever been an issue with that particular crosswalk. I've been told that they've since installed flashers, and that's a step in the right direction. I was a school patrol for the last 3 years of elementary and so I took crosswalk safety incredibly seriously. I look both ways several times before crossing, and continue to look right and left as I cross until I'm safely on the other side. This crossing was no different from my usual ones, I looked back and forth several times and seeing no cars, I motioned for my friends to start crossing.

About mid-way through, I did my customary scan again only this time there was a car coming up the hill at what seemed like incredible speed. I had a split second decision to make, run back or run forward. What I actually did, because I have zero recollection of what happened between me seeing the car and waking up on the road, was I turned and shoved my friend who had frozen like a deer caught in the headlights. She got grazed on the hip with the corner of the bumper, got a nasty bruise but no lasting damage. My other friend had managed to get across safely, but me? Well, I wasn't so lucky. I caught the full brunt of the collision with the left side of my body, the car was absolutely crumpled. I was dragged several feet before she slammed on the brakes, and then was thrown an additional 50 feet. I landed on my left shoulder, completely shattering it but miraculously saving my head and neck from injury. My left leg was broken in half a dozen places below my knee, and I spent the next 2 months in a wheelchair. 2 months with a walker, one month with a cane because I was a child and far too embarrassed to use my cane like I was supposed to.

I was later told she (the driver) was doing 65km/h in a school zone because she was late for college and had forgotten her books at home. She lost her license for seven years, and I lost my confidence, my athleticism, a large majority of my friends, and very nearly my life. I spent the next decade going from all-consuming rage to the absolute worst suicidal depression, back and forth again and again. I couldn't run anymore the way I used to, my surgeon told me that skiing (my favourite winter activity) would be a never again thing, and that I'd need to be careful with my knees for the rest of my life.

You see, because of where my left leg had been broken, my growth plate fused when the bones healed, which had me back on the operating table a year later to have above AND below my right knee surgically broken to fuse the growth plates so I wouldn't be a lopsided monstrosity. You can see where the rage and depression came from. I was ill-equipped to handle this life-altering event, I didn't know how to work through the emotions that had taken root in me, and the time I tried to see a therapist about it, it ended in her blaming my mother for what was very clearly directly caused by the accident. Probably shouldn't have seen someone that was on the insurance company's payroll because her job was to prove that the accident had no lasting effect on my psyche so they wouldn't have to shell out so much money to me.

That friend that eyewitnesses say I saved, well, her mother was approached by the insurance company and their family was offered ten thousand dollars if my friend would swear that we were jaywalking, which we were not. Her mother put pressure on her, and so she went on record to say that we had jaywalked. I've never jaywalked in my life, and I felt so betrayed by this that I never spoke to her again.

On top of this, my eldest sister who is 13 years older than me and hates my mom was approached by my therapist and asked to give her thoughts on how I had coped with the accident. By this time, I was 15 and in one of my suicidal depression stages. Her reply was that my mom wasn't doing enough for me, that she suspected my mom was abusing me and that any mental issues I had was probably because of my mom. I didn't read these things until 2 years ago when I got my entire medical file for that time, and I've had a really hard time associating with my eldest sister since then. For the record, my mom is amazing and supportive and full of love, she helped me more than anyone in my life and she is always there for me, so everything my sister said to the therapist was so inaccurate it wasn't even funny.

After that it was just a vicious cycle of self-loathing and unhappiness. I couldn't do some of the things I wanted to do anymore, so I just didn't do anything. I retreated into myself, became a recluse and a shut-in, and eventually I put on a lot of weight. I was never thin before the accident, but I was athletic. To use an indelicate family phrase, I was "built like a brick shithouse" and that is the reason I was not killed that day. I couldn't get over the fact that I was now disabled, and so I hid from the world like that was somehow going to make it better.

It's hard to be fat, but it's especially hard to be a fat woman. The looks, the jokes, the catty comments, asshole kids throwing drinks at you and calling you names... Women are supposed to be sexually desirable, thin and lithe and tight in all the right places. I was none of these things, and I hated myself so much for it for so long. Looking in the mirror made me want to throw up and slit my wrists simultaneously. In high school I went through an extreme case of anorexia, and while I was thin for a while I was also incredibly unhealthy and unhappy. I yo-yo'd and then I ballooned, and then I finally plateaued just shy of 300lbs.

I have had enough. I've had enough directionless anger, self-loathing and pity. I have had enough of being embarrassed to leave my house because of my fat. I have had enough of my knees hurting from something as simple as walking my dogs with my husband. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and it's time to change my life. I don't know how much I can do with strength training because of my problems, but I'm not going to let it stop me from trying anymore. Maybe I can't ski anymore, but why can't I swim? Or ride a bike? Or chase my dogs through a field?

I'm done with the vicious cycle, it's time for Moosassin 2.0.

If there are any disabled folk out there with tips for me, I'd be very happy to hear them. Right now I'm doing tai chi, yoga, and light boxing every day for at least 30 minutes, and I'll be going full paleo starting today. Thanks for taking the time to read my novel.

[Elastigirl]

You have been through so much. I am impressed with how you want to keep trying and improving. Looking forward to hearing more from you as your journey progresses.

[wesb1898]

Wow, that is a rough story. But it seems that you have come through it for the better, and you are ready to take control again. I have a little saying, and it is a little vulgar, but it is my mantra since I started reshaping my own life. It goes like this..."F*CK EASY!" That's it. What you have decided to do will not be easy. But who cares. You can do it. Set your mind, and when something difficult comes your way, slap it down, shout "F*CK EASY!" and conquer that challenge. You have conquered so much already that you have this. Welcome to the Rebellion. Sounds like we have an outstanding recruit.

PS Paleo is what helped me lose over 100 lbs thus far. You can do it, too!

[surge_supra]

Stick to it. No matter what happens. You have that athletic you still in there and you're going to be successful because you have the drive

Good luck.

[Laureleye]

Most of us have stumbled in here by accident but have decided to stay. There are some amazing successes here, and with your attitude I think you can be one them. Don't forget to join a guild and check out the challenge (or vice versa).

[Moosassin]

Thanks everyone! I'm really looking forward to this journey, and you are all so awesome and welcoming.

[Reinoa]

"I am sick and tired of being sick and tired."

I know that feeling all too well (the self-loathing too, but for different reasons).

On a different note, my husband was hit by a car as a teenager (shattered his right leg, pelvis, left arm, etc...) and I have seen his scars, both physical and emotional, so I have a good feeling of just how strong you have had to be.

Your story is inspiring! I look forward to hearing about your progress and wish you the very best.

[Porkchop]

A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. From one newbie to another, good luck and nice to meet you!