Tomu-san Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself. 2 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 It was really hot again yesterday, so I headed for the beach in Bournemouth.I'm very disappointed with what I saw as I walked along the prom. I saw a man and a woman having an almighty domestic - in front of loads of kids without a care in the world. Suddenly, the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off; there was a massive brawl and someone called the Police. The poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, but there was still a big fight and the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the cop AND his wife! Then this crocodile snuck up and stole all the sausages! Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 A photon checks into a hotel. The porter asks if he has any luggage. The photon replies "no. I'm travelling light." 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish. 4 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 A rich man on his deathbed called in his doctor, his priest and his lawyer. The rich man pointed to 3 large duffel bags and said, “I know they say you can’t take it with you, but I don’t believe it. So each of those bags has one million dollars in it. I want each of you to take a bag, and when they bury me I want you to toss the bags into the grave with me.†And then he died. So the doctor, the priest and the lawyer take the bags, and when they attend the rich man's funeral they toss the bags into the grave. When the funeral was done, the doctor turned to the priest and said, “Father, I have a confession to make. I knew that all that money would only go to waste if it was thrown into the grave, so I took $100,000 of it and used it to fund a clinic for the poor.†The priest said, “I have a confession to make as well. I also knew that the money would go to waste in the grave, and besides, the treasures you gather in Heaven are far greater than those you have on Earth. I took half of the money and I gave it to the poor as well.†“You heartless bastards,†said the lawyer. “How could you deny a dying man’s last wish like that?†“You didn’t take any of the money?†the priest asked. “Not one penny,†said the lawyer. “I threw in a check for the entire amount.†1 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Artinum Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The optimist sees the glass as half full. Then engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be. http://what-if.xkcd.com/6/ 1 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Guzzi Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: "I'd like a cup of coffee please, with no cream." The waitress replies: "I'm sorry monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted January 31, 2014 Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft. 1 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted January 31, 2014 Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 How can you tell if a computer programmer is an extrovert? He stares at your shoes. 3 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
MsFitz Posted January 31, 2014 Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 Knock KnockWho's there?I eat mopBe sure to say the next part to yourself and enjoy the giggles I just had to tell this one to my kids!! One caught on fast and wouldn't say it lol.Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.†― Henry Ford Epic Quest First Challenge Second Challenge Third Challenge Link to comment
Kan Posted February 1, 2014 Report Share Posted February 1, 2014 How can you tell if a computer programmer is an extrovert?He stares at your shoes.Heh.°~° Quote °¬° Link to comment
Artinum Posted February 1, 2014 Report Share Posted February 1, 2014 How can you tell if a computer programmer is an extrovert? Public Function IsExtrovert(ByVal strUsername As String) As Boolean 1 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
dodg1988 Posted February 1, 2014 Report Share Posted February 1, 2014 Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted 1 Quote You can follow a photo log of my weight loss here http://www.tumblr.com/blog/fattyveg password is nerdfit Link to comment
dodg1988 Posted February 1, 2014 Report Share Posted February 1, 2014 My other favorite is:A bear walks into a bar says to the bartender "Can I get a gin and tonic"Bartender says "Sure but what's with the big pause?"Bear says "Oh these? I've had 'em for years" Quote You can follow a photo log of my weight loss here http://www.tumblr.com/blog/fattyveg password is nerdfit Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted February 3, 2014 Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman says, "If I had wanted a double, I would have ordered one!" 4 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Fruitloopbabe Posted February 3, 2014 Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaas! Ba-na-na-naaaaaaaaaas! 2 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 The Buddist goes up to the hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." So the hotdog guy makes him one with everything. The Buddist gives him a $10 bill, and the vendor pockets it. "Where's my change?" says the Buddist. The hotdog vendor says, "Change comes from within." 3 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Basement Cat Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 What fruit is like catnip to vampires? Nectarines. 1 Quote Current form: Chubby House Cat (lvl4) Weight objective: 20% S. 4 P. 6 E. 4 C. 7 I. 8 A. 4 L. 5 Battle log Current Challenge Handy linky. Link to comment
Guzzi Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please" 3 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 A philosopher asks a linguist "What if women had apostrophes instead of periods?" "Well, that's simple." says the linguist "They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions." 5 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Bearded_Dragon Posted February 5, 2014 Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 So my dad said to me the other day "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem" and I said "No, if I'm not part of the solution, I'm probably some form of precipitate" *pushes up glasses on nose* 4 Quote Link to comment
Guzzi Posted February 5, 2014 Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 Haha! I love that this is the "Bad joke thread" coz ALL my jokes are terrible! Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted February 6, 2014 Report Share Posted February 6, 2014 A man goes in to a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says "Forget it! You won't bring it back" 5 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Barfly Posted February 7, 2014 Report Share Posted February 7, 2014 A man goes in to a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says "Forget it! You won't bring it back"Oh.. Dark. Love it! >:-D Quote The past is only smoke in a dream. Lvl 6 Ranger Berzerker STR 9 DEX 4 STA 9 CON 8 WIS 2 CHA 8 Barfly ain't even tryin'... Link to comment
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