Ba Dum Tiss (Bad Joke Thread)

[Bearded_Dragon]

A man walks up to the counter and says "I'll have a pound of mince and two chicken breasts, please"

 

Person behind counter: "I'm sorry sir, but this is a library"

 

Man whispers "So sorry! I'll have a pound of mince and two chicken breasts please"

[Artinum]

Speaking of libraries, I got a book from my local one recently. It's called "A History Of Glue".

 

I couldn't put it down.

[Maj. Bloodnok]

You should try the new corduroy pillows.

 

They're making headlines.

[Tomu-san]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar drinking beer. Suddenly, each one notices that a fly has landed in their drink.

 

The Englishman looks horrified and pushes away his glass.

 

The Irishman shrugs, takes the fly out of his beer, then continues drinking.

 

The Scotsman takes the fly out of his beer and starts shaking it, saying, "Spit it out, ya wee bastard!"

[Guzzi]

The BBC are bringing out a new program soon where people get to find out if they have any ancestors who were pirates.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's called Who Do You Think You Arrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

:-P

[Tomu-san]

What kind of magic to cows do?

 

 

Moodoo.

[Groove]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

[Fruitloopbabe]

Thought this was chuckle worthy

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Guzzi]

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK

 

 

Helium walks into a bar.

The bartenders says "We don't serve noble gasses in here"

Helium doesn't react

[Jittersthe.Clown]

You gotta like a good chemistry joke.  

[Guzzi]

What did the scientist say when he discovered two isotopes of helium?

HeHe

 

   

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Love it!  That's going into my joke hopper for this parade season.

[Bearded_Dragon]

I was trying to think of a good chemistry joke, but all the best ones Argon!

[Guzzi]

I was going to tell one about sodium, but then I thought "Na"

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Two chemists go into a restaurant.  The waiter comes over to take drink orders.  The first one says, "I'll have some H2O".  The second one says, "I'll have some H2O too".  The second one died.

[Tomu-san]

A young burlesque dancer, a pip

Named Ann, could unpeel in a zip.

She read science fiction

And died of constriction

Attempting a Moebius strip.

[Artinum]

One I picked up from my Chemistry teacher:

 

There was a man called Mr Moe,

He is with us no more.

For what he thought was H2O

Was H2SO4.

[Guzzi]

If H2O is the formula for water, what's the formula for ice?

H2O cubed

[Guzzi]

A neutron walks into a bar, asks the barman "How much for a beer?"

Barman smiles and says "For you, no charge"

[Guzzi]

Oh dear! There really is no hope for me, is there?

[Barfly]

One atom says to another atom, "I've lost an electron".

"Are you positive?"

[Guzzi]

Yeah, but you can never trust an atom. They make up everything.

[Barfly]

Groan

[Guzzi]

BaDumTisss!!!!

[Guzzi]

I've got plenty more good (awful) jokes about chemistry. I'll keep you updated, periodically.

Oh dear.... I'll get my coat