How to say 'no' to others

[Teros]

Ok, I feel like I'm almost starting from square one again right now.  I've been doing fine with having 'cheat meals' every week.  Instead of a whole day where I can cheat; I decided I can do 1 breakfast, lunch, dinner.  So in a week I might have a bagel, some mozzarella sticks, and some chinese food.  Everything else is paleo/healthy.  Now here's my problem:

 

I'm fat and my whole family is fat.  And no one seems to understand that if I'm forced into having something that I don't want, it undoes a part of my brain.  Lemmie see if I can explain this better.  It was my birthday last week.  I didn't want cake.  I didn't want icecream.  I didn't want cupcakes.  NOTHING.  The reason why is because those things are TOO damn good; to the point that I feel like an addict getting a fix.  It undoes my previous work by making me have horribly bad cravings all over again.  When I quit junk cold turkey; I quit the super greasy and high sugary stuff.  Once it's out of my system/detoxing; I'm fine.  You caneat cake in front of me- I won't carel because my body isn't physically craving sugar.

 

Now, my family and g/f always have excuses to eat junk food- hence why we're all fat.  Whether it's a b-day, holidays, bbq, friends coming over, graduation, new job, whatever.  There's an excuse every month.  This month is b-day month.  My b-day, my sister's b-day, and my brother-in-law's bday.

 

I said I didn't want any junk but I was told there would be just TWO cupcakes per person.  (18 were bought; there's 5 ppl...)  I've had more than I should and I'm craving stuff badly.  My problem is that my sister's b-day is going to be in a week.  and I want NO JUNK.  However, I'm always forced into it.  "just a little."  "you'll be fine."  "you can go back on your diet tomorrow"  "it means a lot to ____"  "don't be a fuddy-dud"    ect ect...

 

How do I just tell people NO?  Once it's out of my system and detoxed, I never want to eat it again, but these stupid events happen and I start from square one again.  I want this to be the last time I screw up.

 

 

 

 

tl;dr, how do I tell my family to stop FORCING me to eat junk and then undo/ruin things for myself for a week or longer?

 

 

[Elastigirl]

And people always says it just for this speciall soa nd so. But like you said all those B-days and holidays etc add up to a lot. Problem is when you don't eat the stuff people feel judged, even when that is not what you are doing. You are reminding them of their weight issues. Some tactics

 

1)Say No thanks, when they keep pushing, say it again and again. No explanation, be a brick repetetive wall. You don't have to say why or justify yourself, just firmly say no.

 

2) Tell them it makes you feel sick , this helps because then they can eat their stuff without feeling guilty

 

3) tell them you are allergic to it

 

4) After you have said it once, and they keep pushing it, tell them you are now going for a walk and leave the room

 

5)say no thanks, and when they keep pushing it, tell them you have made a decison and would like them to respect that and to stop pushing you, and if they keep at it-tell them however you see fit that they are the rude ones and that they need to back off

[Wolfhorde]

^ Definitely what she said.

 

Also reminds me of a great quote by Mark Twain which was something along the lines of "TV is fantastic. Whenever somebody turns on a TV in my room I go into the next room to read a book." Just replace TV with junk food, the other room with somewhere else and reading a book with another activity.

But yeah, if this has been happening for some time you might need to make it clear that you have made a decision and that if they respect you, they should also respect that decision and stop trying to coerce you to do things you clearly don't want to do. If you know someone you can trust you can also set up an accountability system.

[Evicious]

Second to everything Elastigirl said.

 

I'd also like to add that you need to remember: This isn't about them. I know it feels like it is, because *they're* the ones who will feel bad when you say no, and *they're* the ones who feel so strongly that social eating = good relations, and *they're* the ones who bought the food and *they're* the ones who are just trying to make sure you enjoy yourself... but it is NOT about them.

 

This is about YOU.

 

Only you can decide what goes in your mouth, and only you can initiate the changes in your life that will make you happy. And while it always a good thing to try your best to get along with the people in your life whom you love and value, how they feel under the circumstances you've described isn't your responsibility, or even within your ability, to control.

 

The best advice I can give you is to have a good, long, honest conversation with yourself and come to terms with your reality:
- You don't like how you are, enough so that you are willing to change.
- They are going to have difficulty with accepting some (or alot of, or perhaps even ALL) of the changes you make.
- Most importantly, it is not up to you to make them feel comfortable with your decisions.

 

Your life is yours to live as you please. If their personal feelings about you are the highest priority you have for you life, then by all means, do your utmost to accomodate them. IF, however, how you feel about yourself is more important then you must INSIST on putting yourself first. So long as you are polite and honest, no one has any right to push you into doing anything that sabotages your happiness. When they do that they are actually telling you to "do as I say, not as I do", because how *they* feel about themselves is clearly their top priority, and they're willing to insist on putting themselves first by making you put yourself second. They are, in fact, demonstrating for you the exact thing you need to do in relation to them.

 

You are the only person who make life-changing choices for yourself. Remember that, and don't let anyone else's choices get in the way of yours.

[Burizado]

I second (or is it third now?) what Elastigirl said.

 

You can make it into a game.  Say to them:

"Anytime you ask me to eat something unhealthy, you have to do 5 pushups with me."

 

It can be any activity.  Pushups you can pretty much do anywhere, anytime.  I do pushups while heating my leftovers at work.  Try to see how many I can do in 30 sec. before the microwave beeps.

 

I imagine it going something like this:

Person: "You want some cake?"

You: "That's 5 pushups."

Person: "But it is only a little piece."

You: "That's 10 pushups.  Want to make it 15?"

Person: "......" (backs away slowly)

 

Although this tactic depends on your personality and relationship with them, whether they take you seriously or not.

[Harleytrypp]

First, congratulations on your choices.

 

Family can be rough to deal with (gf included).  My suggestion is to figure out who will be most likely to "push" the sweets or unhealthy choices.  Then one at a time, before the next gathering, arange some one on one time for a serious conversation whith them.  Explain exactly how you feel about them personally, "love, respect, etc.", then explain how you feel about yourself and your choices to make healthier choices.  Finaly explain that as much as you love them, or the person who's having a birthday, aniversary, barmitzva, what-ever, that "just this once" can't work for you.  Make sure you avoid negative words when describing the foods you are avoiding such as "junk" just focus on the "healthier choices" you are trying to make. 

 

If you have several family members that you care about, but "push" the foods you are avoiding, this may take time.  But one on one, IMHO is going to be most productive.  If your family has a higherachy, maybe start at the top.  "Mom" or "Grandma" may pass the word down. 

 

Best of luck and much success,

Harleytrypp.

[cline]

wow.  GOOD FOR YOU!  You are doing something really hard!  Be proud that you understand what's going on and you are taking steps to control what you eat.  Yea!!!!

 

Your family sounds like my in laws.  All overweight (I worry about my nieces now).  Some are diabetic.  All unhealthy all the way around.  Sweets are everywhere all the time.  If we go to visit, bowls of candy bars are put in our room (not kidding), brownies and cookies sit out on the counter and are offered at regular intervals, every meal includes fruit, jello, and sweets (not kidding), etc.  All birthdays, mother's day, father's day, etc. involve countless "treats". 

 

I get it 100%

 

I also get this:  It's not as easy to say no as we like to believe.  The treats come filled with love, good intentions, acceptance, loyalty, belonging, etc.  They come with good intentions.

 

For my inlaws, love = sweet treats together.  They don't mean to make me feel guilty - they don't.  Honestly.  I'll get "have one", "diet tomorrow", etc.  So I really get it. 

 

We started our weightloss journey right about the time of big family vacation.  They rented a condo and filled it top to bottom with sugared crap.  Including, not kidding, cases of soda and gatorade.  It was vacation, right?  And yeah... a diabetic in the house.  *sigh*

 

So, my advice is a little different.  You already get what the folks above are saying - this is good advice.  In the end, it is about you.

 

BUT first know this - they love you.  Family love is often wrapped up in food and good times and for most of us, that means cupcakes.  ha ha ha.  I know.  But understand their motivation.  They love you.  They want you to be happy and they think happy is a cupcake.  So, assume good loving intentions from wonderful people.  My inlaws are wonderful, amazing people.  I love them. 

 

That being said, you don't want to hurt or offend these wonderful people.  So start your warm, quiet personal conversation with someone you can really talk to by saying "I know you love and support me and that means the world.  It's so important to me that we celebrate with family and with love and with special treats".... this eases the conversation.  If you start with "you don't support" or "you don't understand".... well, you can see where that will go.

 

Offer options and alternatives.  For me, I said to my mother in law that I truly thought celebrations were wonderful and I wanted to be there and be a part of it.  Would it be okay if I made sure I had something fun to eat for me?  Of course it was!!  My participation and my enjoying something was more important.  I had seltzer water instead of soda and we "classed it up" with fruit.  I got my nieces to help me with veggie snacks and creative dips.  In the end, it was fun. 

 

Keep in mind, when you tell them no, they might feel it's rejection.  I hate to say it but it's also about them.  So instead of saying no, say "how about I help with XYZ?" and offer that up.  Instead of cupcakes this year, I really want to play mini golf!!! Or instead of cupcakes, I've been jonesing for crabcakes!!!  Make it fun. 

 

They'll get it. 

 

Good luck and keep us posted.  You are strong and surrounded by love.

[quaintly]

Okay, listen to Cline. That is the best advice for the long-term. For the short term, I'd recommend a response like:

 

"Here's your piece of cake!"

 

"No thanks, I'm way too full."

 

"But it's only a little piece."

 

"I'm serious; anything else and my stomach will burst. *chuckle*"

 

"But..."

 

"Seriously, I'm full right now. I'm going to get sick if I eat more. But that does look delicious! Should have paced myself."

 

I usually only have to get to the second reply whenever I don't want to eat something before people back off. Works like a charm and doesn't make anyone feel bad, especially if they made the other food and you throw in a "everything else was so delicious, I couldn't help myself!" Or I just call them out on being a food-pusher in a joke-y way.

[I-Jo]

Often times you need to have a set "this is what I"m trying to do and I need your help" conversation- it makes it less ME vs YOU- which is where the push back comes from really.  You're making it really obvious that they are doing something bad- and it seems like a judgement- so if you include them with the "help me" clause- it goes a long way.

 

The big thing is either offering to bring something YOU can eat- or helping the host prepare/ideas healthy alternatives.  Fruit/yogurt thing instead of ice cream and crap. 

 

I don't understand the food = family thing. I don't.  My family isn't like that- I mean on paper I understand- but in reality- it's just so illogical.  So the best thing I have found is said- no thank you- I have my own- I am really struggling to change X, Y and Z and I really need your help because I can't do it alone. 

[gibnic]

OMG, I can sooooo relate! My hubby comes from a long line of food enablers, as do I. I think he has it a little bit worse though because my family was poor enough that if anyone said no it just meant more for everyone else and there was never that pressure involved, and now that we are all older and a bit better off (able to afford to feed everyone all the time) my parents actually admire my healthier habits. Hubby, on the other hand, comes from a middle class family of food addicts. His mom, grandmother and so on are all diabetic, and so is he (he just discovered this a little over a year ago). When he called his mother to tell her of his test results she made him a batch of cookies!

 

My in laws have family get togethers at every birthday, holiday, superbowl, playoffs, basically any reason they can. At these get togethers there is always tons of great stuff, pizza, burgers, chips, cookies, cake etc. I am a vegetarian, and his mother is always great about accommodating me, however usually this means she makes a casserole type dish full of cheese! I feel terrible saying no, but I am a total food addict and I can;t have just one! 

 

So I offer to bring something of my own and generally they like this. I also let everyone know that I am trying to lose weight and that I can't eat junk. It is hard because they don;t see a lot of junk food as junk. They think diet soda is a good "healthy' drink, or what's wrong with pizza? 

 

Really it is all about setting boundaries though. If you tell people "this is what I am doing, this is why and this is what I need from you" there is no room for guilt or pressure or any of those other tactics families use. Think of it exactly, like a drug, if you were to try to stop drinking or smoking and they were constantly trying to pressure you to drink or offering you a cigarette, how would you respond? If it were heroin?  If the doctor told you "If you eat this you will die" what would your response be when your family tried to pressure you into it? maybe that is a little bit extreme, but on the other hand, maybe it isn't. 

[Wolfhorde]

Bringing stuff yourself is probably one of the best ideas for these events, it's also a sign that you're not only saying that you take full responsibility of your diet but it actually shows that you also do in such cases. Some might even enjoy what you prepared more than they thought. (I remember people going to town on my spiced rice with eggs and veggies or using my salad sauce for their meat)

[Mordechaj]

make a protest sign on a stick with this:

 

 

 

 

 

and then hit them with it when needed.

 

 

+ what wolfhorde said.

[I-Jo]

^ that works

 

totally

[UberTumbleweed]

3) tell them you are allergic to it

 

Please don't do this one!  There's a lot of people and restaurants lately who don't take allergies as seriously as they used to, because "Everyone says their allergic when they just don't want it."  Despite the increased awareness of allergies this decade, it's actually become more dangerous for my brother to eat anything made by friends, family, or restaurants than it was in the 80s.

 

It is 100% a-okay to refuse something because you do not want it.  It might hurt your family's feelings.  That's on them.  Be polite, but refuse to eat it if you don't want it.  As long as you've been polite, you've cared for them as much as you need to.

 

I know it's tough, but you can't change how they feel for them.

[sweetleaf5]

I love those answers because we have a food day of some sort almost once a week at work. I'm lucky because there is another guy at work who also eats a Paleo diet. We do get a lot of "crap" from people but I've convinced myself that it's a sort of jealousy...they wish they were able to say "no" and make better choices too.

Even when we have special lunches I still bring my own food, that way I don't have any excuses and its easier to pass on sweets.

Good luck to you!

[cline]

 

Please don't do this one!  There's a lot of people and restaurants lately who don't take allergies as seriously as they used to, because "Everyone says their allergic when they just don't want it."  Despite the increased awareness of allergies this decade, it's actually become more dangerous for my brother to eat anything made by friends, family, or restaurants than it was in the 80s.

 

It is 100% a-okay to refuse something because you do not want it.  It might hurt your family's feelings.  That's on them.  Be polite, but refuse to eat it if you don't want it.  As long as you've been polite, you've cared for them as much as you need to.

 

I know it's tough, but you can't change how they feel for them.

 

I agree 100% with this.  I have a friend who has a life threatening allergy (has to carry 2 epi pens b/c 1 might not be enough) and he struggles at restaurants sometimes b/c they think he's being picky.  He's really not.

 

I recently asked that bread not be sent to my table (I hate to waste it) and then asked if I could sub a listed side for a gluten containing side.  I didn't say anything about allergies.  I just asked.  The wait staff was wonderful.  When it came time for dessert, we were mulling things over and the waiter came by and said "chef is wondering if you have a gluten allergy/celiac b/c he can offer choices for dessert".  HOW WONDERFUL!  I was so thankful and explained no, no allergy just avoiding.  Wait staff was so cool.  That is one of my go to places now. 

 

People will totally understand if you just say you aren't eating something right now.  They might think you are kookie, or that you have "problems", or that you are "judging them".  But they get past it.  Family will love you quirks and all.