Stepping forward

[Kristina]

Hey everyone, I figured it's time I introduced myself since I've been ghosting here a while and getting really inspired and motivated, both by the blog posts and the great stories and support in the community.

 

I am, as the super creative profile name suggests, called Kristina. I'm 27 years old, 304 pounds and 5 foot 10 (I converted that for you silly non-metric people). My past is quite a mess, and well, I've had a lot more to fight with than my weight, but I think that goes for just about everyone.

 

Around age 16 I started having a severe depression. I had this on and off for about ten years. At 17, I started having my first serious anxiety issues. I saw psychiatrists, or shrinks, as they shall henceforth be called, but they never really managed to provide any genuine help. They gave me pills, they resulted in side effects, so they gave me more pills. In my early 20s I ended up homeless for a year, and when I finally got somewhat back on my feet I was completely broken. All I did was sit at home, play WoW and eat chips and cry. Needless to say, my weight went up pretty hard, and just continued to do so even as I made semi-recoveries. I was encouraged to do something with my life, and I really wanted to, but all attempts at going back to school always ended up with more depressions and anxiety. 

 

Looking back, I think one of the most defining factors was the blame game. See, the shrinks always made it abundantly clear that I had absolutely no power over my mental issues. It was not my fault I was depressed, it was a chemical imbalance. It was not my fault that everything influenced me far more than it should, it was a chemical imbalance. But! When the pills didn't work, when they made me worse, that was somehow my fault. They never directly said so, but it was certainly implied. "Are you sure you're taking them right?" "I guess it's just your system that's not reacting correctly" "They SHOULD work, are you sure you're being honest about the effects?"

 

It was devastating to say the least. The ones supposed to help me couldn't, and they made it clear there was no other way. Meanwhile, my weight continued rising (also influenced by these drugs) and that was blamed too. They began to suggest that my size was the cause of my issues rather than an effect from them.

 

But then a grand day happened, after I had moved and gotten one of the most incompetent shrinks I've ever had. Seriously. I sat in the waiting room reading The Walking Dead and she looked over my shoulder and went "Oh, are you doing homework?" I dunno, maybe she knows cooler schools than I do. I had a meeting with her where her boss would supervise. After she continued showing her prowess, I turned to her boss, who had been mostly silent, and said "Listen, this crazy lady is too incompetent for me to talk to her. Can I just talk directly with you instead?" He obliged, and after a long talk, he said that although I seemed troubled, I did not seem to really have anything actually insane about me. He looked at all five (!) of my diagnoses and said that he couldn't see how any of them matched. In the end, he offered to have me taken out of the system to find my own way, and I went for it, and everything has been better since.

 

My best friend, who has been more supportive than any real human being should be (I have my suspicions about him), was willing and able when I said "Okay, I'm ready to figure out what's really wrong with me and how to deal with it." He pointed out all my overreactions, he pointed out how I tended to snowball (I'm feeling bad today, which makes me worried, but then I feel bad for being worried, and I feel worried because I'm feeling bad over feeling worried over feeling bad, and ow my face). And he taught me something that no shrink had bothered mentioning: Personal responsibility for my own feelings and reactions. It was a steep learning curve, to be sure, but it helped a ton.

 

For about a year now, I have felt completely sane. The few times I've tried to describe it to people, I've compared it to being blind for ten years, and now that I can finally see, every day is a little better just because of that. No matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, at least I can see. 

 

For about a year now, I have also been trying to figure out how to get my weight under control again. I started swimming, gradually increasing it to an hour a day, but the passion has gone out of it and it became routine, so I stopped again this month. I started kickboxing about a month and a half ago, and I absolutely love it. The community is amazing, as is the feeling that even in my size, I can still kick and punch stuff. 

 

I've been weighed once a month since april and lost about eight pounds in that time, but I've been feeling more and more like I wasn't quite on the right path.

 

I wrote an email to Steve when I first started browsing here, which is... a week or two ago. I told him about all this, and about how my eating habits are still giving me issues. But then I realised something.

 

I beat mental illness. Why the hell am I letting myself lose to chips?

 

So I'm trying paleo for a month now. I am continuing kickboxing and loving it even more. Whenever I have a craving, I remind myself that feeling good long-term is more important than tasting something delicious short-term.

 

So.. yeah. That's me. I'm also a gamer, a roleplayer, a speaker of strange jokes and, I hope, a future engineer. 

 

I look forward to becoming more active in this community, and I want to thank everyone for being such amazing role models and finding a way to support each other without absolute solutions being a necessity in it.

 

I'm Commander Kristina and this is my favourite website on the internet.

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Welcome to the forums.  The members here are the best for support.  We've got your back on this.

[Guest]

Welcome aboard, Commander Kristina!

You have had quite a journey, and I commend you on removing your blinders. I hope that as you continue to progress, you'll gain an even deeper appreciation for yourself. I'm glad you found that strength in what you've already accomplished Takes guts to be able to recognize such things.

Everyone here will help you build on it, never be afraid to ask for help! Also looking forward to your contributions

[katamac]

 

 

Looking back, I think one of the most defining factors was the blame game. See, the shrinks always made it abundantly clear that I had absolutely no power over my mental issues. It was not my fault I was depressed, it was a chemical imbalance. It was not my fault that everything influenced me far more than it should, it was a chemical imbalance. But! When the pills didn't work, when they made me worse, that was somehow my fault. They never directly said so, but it was certainly implied. "Are you sure you're taking them right?" "I guess it's just your system that's not reacting correctly" "They SHOULD work, are you sure you're being honest about the effects?"

This really resonates with me. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 13, and since then I have been on multiple different medications to treat what has since snowballed into general anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, manic depression, insomnia and even epileptic seizures (some anti-depessants lower your seizure threshold, scary stuff!). They give you medication to treat something, which then leads to even more fantastically rubbish side effects, so they give you more medication to treat the side effects. The system (or lack thereof) in place for treating mental disorders is terribly flawed.

 

Congratulations on pushing through I hope to be there myself someday.

[Basement Cat]

Hello Kristina, and welcome!

 

Don't worry, we here at nerd fitness will be always have your back! Keep us posted on your progress!