Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Machete]

So I put talk to a stranger a day for my 6-week challenge. I have no clue what to talk to them about. What do normal people talk about? Weather? The news? Batman? Maybe not Batman. Or maybe they do? Help!

 

Anything. It doesn't really matter, as long as you talk (unless you're putting up a standard for your "conversation".) Though for the weather you might want to keep it brief, unless it involves something extreme. Weather is my go-to subject, and I happen to dwell on it for a really long time until I wear out my welcome.

 

 

Me: "So how about that game last night?"

Someone: "What game?"

Me: "I don't know. I know nothing about sports and am just trying to make conversation."

 

There are a few basic rules of conversation, which I admittedly am not proficient in. I think the big thing is to make an effort to keep the conversation going once it is initiated. I pick out something that is said and relate it to an experience, personal or by someone I know. I usually keep the story brief and I end with a question after the story, so it doesn't seem like I'm trying to hijack the conversation and am merely waiting for my turn to speak.

 

The weather.  Something hot and current, but not necessarily controversial.  Maybe something they are carrying, or wearing: "oh, I just love your (watch, purse, shoes, backpack, whatever)!  How do you like it?  Where did you get it?"

 

Hahaha. I had a conversation with a stripper last new year who was talking about that exact same line and how women are so fake. I caught the Mean Girls reference and we ended up talking for a while. Cool girl. A bit of a dork, so perfect.

[Silo]

So I put talk to a stranger a day for my 6-week challenge. I have no clue what to talk to them about. What do normal people talk about? Weather? The news? Batman? Maybe not Batman. Or maybe they do? Help!

I tell women I like their hair and ask what products they use. That sounds creepy when I write it out but I promise I don't ask to pet their hair or anything. I have curly hair and am on a constant mission to find the perfect product so it's an easy conversation starter and most curly haired women will talk and talk about hair products.

I played Yahtzee tonight for the first time. That is one freaking loud game. All the dice rattling was overwhelming to my senses.

[kaelvan]

I tell women I like their hair and ask what products they use. That sounds creepy when I write it out but I promise I don't ask to pet their hair or anything. I have curly hair and am on a constant mission to find the perfect product so it's an easy conversation starter and most curly haired women will talk and talk about hair products.

I played Yahtzee tonight for the first time. That is one freaking loud game. All the dice rattling was overwhelming to my senses.

That made me laugh. I'm happy you don't pet their hair.

[Machete]

[DrVornoff]

Anything. It doesn't really matter, as long as you talk (unless you're putting up a standard for your "conversation".) Though for the weather you might want to keep it brief, unless it involves something extreme. Weather is my go-to subject, and I happen to dwell on it for a really long time until I wear out my welcome.

 

The best way to practice that is when you make eye contact with someone, give a friendly smile and ask, "How you doing?" or "What's up?"  Just that.  It gets you used to approaching people.  You don't have to make conversation, just get used to the feeling of saying hi to people.

[Elastigirl]

That made me laugh. I'm happy you don't pet their hair.

Things you shouldn't reveal about yourself and yet you do:

I've actually petted someone's hair in a moment of impulsive exuberance. I was just saying how pretty the curls looked and suddenly found myself reaching out and petting their hair. Tip of the day:most people don't like this and will think your weird, so uh, don't pet people's hair.

 

And now you know a little more about me.  

[Silo]

Ha! Was it Ramona Quimby who wanted to "boing" some girl's curls? I always think of that when I see great hair.

My husband has pointed out to me that I can't walk through a clothing store without touching all the different fabrics. It's a compulsion. Yes, I was one of those kids with a satin ribbon edged security blanket.

[Elastigirl]

Ha! Was it Ramona Quimby who wanted to "boing" some girl's curls? I always think of that when I see great hair.

My husband has pointed out to me that I can't walk through a clothing store without touching all the different fabrics. It's a compulsion. Yes, I was one of those kids with a satin ribbon edged security blanket.

Ha, yeah I do that too. 

[TMedina]

You're both very tactile.  It's a thing - I won't call it a quirk, per se, but it's a noticeable behavior and even a recognized learning style.  As you might imagine, I, ah, exhibit similar behavior patterns.  Thankfully not with hair though - people tend not to be forgiving of gorillas randomly petting their hair. 

[Machete]

Can't tell me what to do.

 

 

In other news, I did an exercise in negotiation today at a pawn shop. Bartered like I've always done in RPGs and apparently they don't show you the item's value in real life.  I feel like I didn't totally get low-balled as much as I expect though, so I count it as a win in my book.

[kaelvan]

I have the issue of constantly fixing my hair when I'm nervous. I once had a teacher (5th grade?), who pointed it out (for public speaking).

[iRyan2015]

I just compliment people genuinely. If I like this woman's earrings, I simply say "I like your earrings". Simplicity in compliments worked well for when I (tried) lol.

For men, I will also compliment them. It's actually very rare for men to receive compliments, from either gender unless they are super buff or athletic looking. We like genuine compliments just as well as women  An easy one- "Hey. I like your beard. How long have you been growing it?" if it's an actual beard and not face shavings! Seriously you can make best friends with this question alone that it's almost stupid, lol.

Now when it comes to someone I have more of a crush on....then come all of the f*** ups from me! I have no problem maintaining eye contact, which I've heard is the hardest thing to do. I'm glad I can stare into their souls LIKE A BEAST!! 
 

[Bekah]

what does it say about me that I saw this and immediately thought it was a Rorshack or a colored Xray of someones pelvis? Then I saw the words. O.o

[Bekah]

Now when it comes to someone I have more of a crush on....then come all of the f*** ups from me! I have no problem maintaining eye contact, which I've heard is the hardest thing to do. I'm glad I can stare into their souls LIKE A BEAST!! 

 

OMG if I like someone, I cant talk to them for shit. LOL! 

[hblyne]

It's been a looooong time since I had a crush on an actual real life person. I tended to make a total prat of myself. Not sure what would happen now that I'm all mature and everything

 

If I'm chatting to someone online that I think I might click with and develop feelings for I can chat for England, and probably scare most of them off :/

[Phytomancer]

 

Always stuck at stage two.

 

It's been a looooong time since I had a crush on an actual real life person. I tended to make a total prat of myself. Not sure what would happen now that I'm all mature and everything

 

If I'm chatting to someone online that I think I might click with and develop feelings for I can chat for England, and probably scare most of them off :/

 

If they like you, they won't be scared off so easily. Best of luck!

[hblyne]

 

If they like you, they won't be scared off so easily. Best of luck!

 

Thanks

[Machete]

[kaelvan]

And this is why I love Batman summed up here.

[shaeon]

Hello introverts. 

I'm having an issue right now with a friend. She has anxiety and OCD, both diagnosed and medicated, although getting her meds balanced is a work in progress. She and I used to have a really great friendship, and she would openly tell me that I am relaxing to be around - which I could tell was a big compliment coming from her. People who have a natural tendency to not trigger her anxiety are important to her. 

Lately, I feel like I do nothing but trigger it. I've had a hard time understanding why. It's hard for her to talk about why she's anxious because, well, she's anxious. Also, she's not always able to just say "here's why." Which I actually get. I have had trouble articulating why some things give me a strong emotional reaction too, at times. But it makes it hard to know what to do different. I think part of it is that approval is really important to her. I think I've sucked at showing her approval lately. 

And basically, I've upset her a few times lately and she needs to run away when that happens, and now is one of those times. I miss her when she runs away. We talk about everything, so I miss her a lot when she needs to be left alone. I'm trying to learn to avoid these situations, trying to remember what I was doing right before. I want to have a good relaxing friendship again.

Can anyone relate? Any advice?

[kaelvan]

Having anxiety and OCD is the worst.

 

The best advice I can give is to give her time. Maybe text her or message her every once in awhile to make sure she's ok. Especially if she's still adjusting to the medicine. Though there is good chance the meds are causing it. Which she might have to switch to another. Sadly, meds are lot of guess work, since it affects each person differently.

[shaeon]

Well, the thing about her not talking to me is that giving her time is not a choice. I do think that messaging her to ask if she's ok is good. Usually when things go quiet, that's how I start back up - just give her a week and then tell her I miss her and want to know that she's alright. 

 

The thing about the meds is a good point. When she and I met, she had decided to give up on taking them and was not going to therapy - she was trying to cope on her own. I do believe that all the issues we've had have been since she decided to return to therapy and work on getting her meds balanced. I do see where in the long run, they are doing her good. But it may be causing some instability in her mood.

 

The reason I say I don't feel like I've given her the approval she needs lately is she has a new boyfriend that I do not like. She wants to know what I think about him, and I finally told her. I think I could have been less harsh. So that's also hard. Obviously, I don't want to be dishonest. Hard to find the right balance of honest and supportive.

[VailedPhoenix]

I'm a panda... sweet!

 

yay! another infj!

 

The best way to practice that is when you make eye contact with someone, give a friendly smile and ask, "How you doing?" or "What's up?"  Just that. 

 

these are the two questions that will make me literally freeze. how am I? well.. I really don't know. I'm not bad. I'm not particularly good. I'm just kinda.. here.. so ok I think? I can't really ever figure out how I feel about something, but I can totally empathize with someone else instantly.

 

I'm a weird flavor of introvert. I like being around people, just please absolutely no one talk, at all. which, obviously, will not happen. the talking and interaction is what drains me completely. people other than my parents think that I'm extroverted, because I can smile easy, and I have a loud laugh, and I get really excited and chattery about good tv shows (doctor who, batman animated series, arrow, etc..) and really good books. small talk kills me though. if someone could just sit with me and have a movie marathon with me without actually conversing, that would be amazing.

 

I've recently (about 3 months now) started teaching the elementary school aged kids at church. twice a month. I could pretty easily handle the 3 hours on Sunday mornings I'd be at church (I always get places early at least 30 minutes early) and around people. but since I started teaching the class, I instantly flop on my bed when I get home and nap for an hour or two. because I'm that exhausted.

 

And even more recently (3 weeks ago) our youth pastor at church asked me if I would mind helping on Sunday nights with the middle and high school class. Which is another 3 hours at church. I get so worn out from it that now I easily sleep from 8:45 pm till 10 am the next morning. and wake up still tired. Sunday's are my interaction days for now until I've found work, and then I'm not really sure how I will be physically from all the being around people-ness.

 

we're having a Superbowl party next week. an entire football game with around 30 people. I'm tired just thinking about it.

[Bekah]

Yay! I'm a tiger!

me too me too :D  

[shaeon]

yay! another infj!

 

 

these are the two questions that will make me literally freeze. how am I? well.. I really don't know. I'm not bad. I'm not particularly good. I'm just kinda.. here.. so ok I think? I can't really ever figure out how I feel about something, but I can totally empathize with someone else instantly.

 

I had a German professor in college that described the situation of going into a gas station to pay, and the cashier said "how was your weekend?" He was taken aback by the question, but then started to recount what he did over the weekend and how it all went at length. Then while he was mid sentence, another customer came in and the cashier greeted him with "how was your weekend?"

My professor concluded that the answer he expected to get was "good!" and nothing more.

Likewise, I think people - other than really close friends - expect you to say "good!" when they say "how are you doing?" I used to pause and really think about that question until I figured that out. 

Similar to that, I had a situation last weekend at the shop where I go to work on my leather crafting. A guy I'd never met before was sitting across from me at the table, and when I looked up he was staring at me. So I stared back. After a few seconds, he said "what?" like it was bugging him. In a situation like that I always feel like "what do you mean, what? You stared at me so I stared at you." Which probably isn't even the wrong thing to say. But do I say it? Nope, and then I just feel irritated afterwards. 

And I'm an ISTJ.