How to Get Somebody to Back Off?

[WillToPower]

Hey All,

 

I've struggled with my weight and my eating habits on-and-off over the past few years. I managed to lose a fair bit of weight, only to regain it; unfortunately, that's primarily because I started taking Adderall and stopped taking it after the side effects became too much to deal with. The weight's come back, and I haven't been doing much to deal with that fact.

 

Anyways, that's the context for my issue: I'm in my mid 20's, and my issue is that I have a person in my life who won't leave well enough alone. I'm pretty sure that my mother hasn't quite realized how much her near-constant presence in my life via multiple-times-a-day texts, e-mails, and phone calls is smothering me. That's another issue in and of itself.

 

My problem is that, in the past few weeks, in every single conversation that I have with her, she immediately goes straight to talking about my weight, about my lack of exercise, and about my eating habits. She constantly tells me that I need to do this or that, reminds me of how well I used to do, and brings up how much weight I've gained. Sometimes, it's the first thing she talks about after the greetings are over whenever she visits - she lives several hours away, but you can't exactly miss someone when you talk to them every single day - which gets on my nerves. I don't think she realizes just how hypocritical she's being, considering that she's struggled with her weight for far longer.

 

It's like a broken record. I'm tired of hearing it, especially since she doesn't way anything that I don't already think about.

 

She had called me earlier today, then proceeded to call me again maybe ten minutes later to discuss my diet and exercise habits.

At one point she offered to pay me if I lost such and such amount of weight by the end of the summer. I'm an adult. I haven't lived at home for eight years and that, to me at least, feels like something a parent would do to a child. That pissed me off; if I'm going to lose weight, it's because I want to and it will be on my terms.

 

Does anybody else have to deal with a well-meaning, but somewhat toxic presence like this?
Does anybody have any advice on how to get somebody who's trying to tell you how to do your thing to back off?

[Suited hippy]

You could try exercising and eating better so when she pesters you about it you can say you are on track?

[Silo]

My dad was a bit like this, but with personal finances. Keep in mind I'm an accountant who was out of college, working full time, married, and self-sufficient by age 21. At a certain point, when he would start in about what we should/shouldn't do with our money, I started saying "This isn't any of your business and I'm not going to discuss it with you. Now, how's [XYZ interest of his] going?" It didn't stop him from trying several more times but I answered the same way each time and eventually he got it. I did not say anything other than that, no justification, no explanation, nothing, nada, zip.

[KnightOfHvn]

It's hard to say that to a parent sometimes, I've seen my wife struggle with this a bit. She's always stunned when I do it to her father.

 

I'd first lay out the ground rules. "Mom, I'm working on it. I've made [XYZ changes, I'm doing this, I'm walking every day, I'm kicking a goat and making it chase me around the block, whatever...] You calling me and bringing it up makes me feel like I'm not accomplishing anything and is being discouraging. I understand that that's not what your goal is, but it's what your succeeding at." Then suggest limiting calls. Make a point of saying that you aren't trying to kick her out of your life, but that she's pushing you into negative spaces with her questioning you. Finally, only if you have to, make it clear that the limits are going to be enforced whether she agrees to them or not. Just because the phone rings does not mean you have to pick it up. I do this all the time. It sometimes keeps me from saying something to someone that I will regret later.

 

Another thing to do is look at the behavior. If she's done this all your life, then now would be a good time to remind her that your an adult, that you will have to make your own mistakes and successes and that you know you can ask for help. If she hasn't done this all your life, what's the trigger? You don't have to share here, of course, but I've seen adults I work with do this when the last kid leaves the house or if there is a death in the family. I don't know what could have caused it here, but if this is a new behavior, you might suggest to her some of the things from the blogs. Maybe she needs to join a church group or a club or something with social interactions. 

 

Just a few thoughts. Good luck and I'll pray for you.

[Mark D]

You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. So you can't make your mother back off. Period. Full stop.

What you CAN control is you. If she starts in on you say "Mom, I'm not having this conversation with you". If she persists say it again. If she STILL persists say it a third time and HANG UP.

Cutting the apron strings is hard. Been there.

Yeah she gave birth to you and changed your diaper. Thank you Mom. You don't wear diapers anymore. If you need her help or advice you'll ask for it. If she sees you screwing up big time she'll tell you because she loves you.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I'm the youngest of six, so I know how hard it can be for a mother to let go of her "baby" and let him be an adult.

[SevenofSeven]

I just started asking my mother what she was doing about her health. Being diabetic, on BP pills and having had a hip replacement before she is 60, I just asked her what she was doing to help herself.

My issues with my Mum are beyond help. However I got to the point of telling her, I do not need her unasked for advice, if she talks about my kids I will leave the room, if she says "You should" more than once in a 10 minute block I will leave the room.

Sometimes you need to have those adult conversations to make them realise you have grown up. Being firm is sometimes the only way to do that.

[PixieKitten]

Personally, I agree with Mark D. My own mother used to do something similar to this. After telling her she sounded like a broken record and that I no longer wanted to continue conversing on the subject, I'd just hang up or walk away. She threw a full on strop, but eventually (I hope) realised I was an adult and I can make my own choices. It was harsh, but she was a very stubborn woman so the only way to get through to her was to be more stubborn.

[Br0din]

I"m not a self help reader, but this book comes highly recommended.  Boundaries by Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend

 

I hope it helps

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I"m not a self help reader, but this book comes highly recommended.  Boundaries by Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend

 

I hope it helps

I second this.

[Mark D]

 

 

Personally, I agree with Mark D.

 

You know, you'd think I'd get tired of hearing that, but I don't.......