Harsh reality of the habit of fucking up

[porkkchop]

Stepping on the scales after very sporadic check ins over the last three months, it was very obvious that I’d been ignoring the problem because it was too confronting. 

 

About 3-4 months ago I was 59.6kg. Today I weighed in at 69.6kg. That seems insane and I’m trying not to kick myself, given a lot of negative self talk is what got me there in the first place. But that was a lot of days of emotional eating 6000+ calories in a day, punishment eating to the point where I’m in physical pain, and having to ‘ride out’ the emotional distress of desperately wanting to purge, a complete lack of exercise (due to injury), all of this sometimes multiple days in a row. 

 

I’m impatient and it’s been my downfall in the past. I’ve built a very reinforced habit of self deprecation. I’m working on accepting that this process of getting to my goal weight of 55kg CANNOT be a sprint. But I NEED to build good habits again, I need to start that downward trend again. I need to make this journey fun, or for now, not torturous. Because as easy as it would be to give up I know that’s not an option for me. Starting on these forums recently, has been a good exercise in accountability. 

 

Doing daily calorie and weight check ins with my boyfriend as an exercise in accountability too. (He’s also cutting). Hoping all of these things will remove the tension and worry I’ve built up along with my weight gain. 

 

Working to make good habits so this becomes easy again. Some part of me, (through a lot of self doubt and worry) knows that I’ll get there eventually. It’ll just be a slower process than I’d like.

[aramis]

Are you sure about daily weighting? Nothing wrong with it IF you just look at the trend, but with impatient personality, it's better to weight twice a week or even once a week (measurment in similar conditions like - always before breakfast - is a key). This way you won't be seeing all this daily fluctuations and don't stress about them. 

Tracking your intake on the other hand is great. As everybody says - weight loss is 80-90% nutrition. 

If you want to loose weight fast, you need crash diet. These things are crap, because as soon as you finish them, you start to gain again.  You don't want to drop kilograms and end your diet - you want to overhaul your relationship with food. 

So put your inner Sonic away, just go with steady and comfortable pace. You eat to live, not live to eat. 

 

Cheers

[porkkchop]

7 hours ago, aramis said:

This way you won't be seeing all this daily fluctuations and don't stress about them. 

 

Yeah, always going to have to be conscious of the fact that I can’t let the daily up and down can’t affect my mood. Realistically I know that weight loss can’t be linear.

 

For now it’s almost like a preventative measure to stop binge eating because I know I’m not going to like the feeling if I have to step on the scales if I’ve had a binge episode and weight 2kg on top of what is already far too heavy. 

 

But I appreciate the concern and completely agree with the need for lifestyle change

[porkkchop]

Binge ate sweets around midday and reached my calorie limit (2000cal). Chocolate, Nutella, biscuits etc. Had dinner with family and used it as an excuse to eat more junk. Didn’t track properly but I’ve estimated it was a 3500-4000cal day. No exercise. 

 

I’m using this as an outlet to be negative. I’m terrified of getting on the scales tomorrow, thinking about it makes me feel a little sick. I’m so ashamed that I’m doing this, I feel a little hopeless like I’ll never get to where I want to be, never get control of food. 

 

I know thats not true true and I have complete control over what I put in my mouth, which is why I feel so pathetic when it comes to food and my weight. Ultimately I’m just weak. I feel disgusting and the worst part is, I feel like eating more shit and just going completely overboard because there’s always been that mentality of: ‘well I’ve already fucked up’. I know this thinking makes it worse, which brings up all of those thoughts of: you can’t even do this right you useless piece of shit. I know I’m making those worse and I’m just indulging in self hatred at this point. 

 

I’ll make tomorrow better. 

[aramis]

Talk anything you want, 

50 minutes ago, porkkchop said:

I’ll make tomorrow better. 

It's all that matters. 

 

Self hate is bad. Here, maybe this help, at least a teeny-weeny bit.

[porkkchop]

Thanks aramis, I do really appreciate the encouragement a lot. In saying that I don’t want me to use this as some excuse to just make myself feel better. 

 

Need to be accountable and do a whole lot better if I want to ultimately hit my goal weight. Like you said, all that matters is that tomorrow is better 

[Harriet]

On 5/31/2019 at 4:33 AM, porkkchop said:

I’m terrified of getting on the scales tomorrow, thinking about it makes me feel a little sick. I’m so ashamed that I’m doing this, I feel a little hopeless like I’ll never get to where I want to be, never get control of food. 

 

I know thats not true true and I have complete control over what I put in my mouth, which is why I feel so pathetic when it comes to food and my weight. Ultimately I’m just weak. I feel disgusting and the worst part is, I feel like eating more shit and just going completely overboard because there’s always been that mentality of: ‘well I’ve already fucked up’. I know this thinking makes it worse, which brings up all of those thoughts of: you can’t even do this right you useless piece of shit. I know I’m making those worse and I’m just indulging in self hatred at this point. 

This sounds exhausting. I remember going through similar thought patterns myself when I was dieting. I was afraid if I let up on the self-hatred, I wouldn't be able to keep dieting and losing weight. It ultimately wasn't sustainable for me.

Is there any possibility you could come at your food habits from a place of self-care rather than punishment? So, instead of labelling foods as good or bad, disgusting or virtuous, forbidden or permitted, could you just neutrally note whether they're consistent with your long term goals, how they make you feel in the short term (sick, energised, sluggish, satisfied?), and how tasty/pleasing they are? And could you make your self-talk more neutral and investigative? E.g. "Hmmm, I really ate in a way I didn't intend to just now. I wonder what triggered that and how I can shape my environment/manage my stressors to make it less likely to happen again."

[porkkchop]

On 6/3/2019 at 6:32 AM, Harriet said:

Is there any possibility you could come at your food habits from a place of self-care rather than punishment? So, instead of labelling foods as good or bad, disgusting or virtuous, forbidden or permitted, could you just neutrally note whether they're consistent with your long term goals, how they make you feel in the short term (sick, energised, sluggish, satisfied?), and how tasty/pleasing they are? And could you make your self-talk more neutral and investigative? E.g. "Hmmm, I really ate in a way I didn't intend to just now. I wonder what triggered that and how I can shape my environment/manage my stressors to make it less likely to happen again."

This is definitely the approach I’m trying to adopt at the moment. Just thinking ‘what will make me ultimately feel good?’. Sometimes that’s sort of hard to distinguish when the voice of habit is shouting: ‘CAKE, CAKE, CAKE, CAKE!!!’ 

 

And  I know building new habits that look after myself will take practice, but it’s definutely something I want to work towards. 

 

Really appreciate the guidance through this little journey I’ve got going on. 

[porkkchop]

Wooh back here again. Two days in a row. Scared to weigh myself so I didn’t. I’m really not restricting food at all. Still binging anyway. Trying to be kinder to myself, thinking ‘what will make me feel good?’ before I eat. Still binging. Keep telling myself that it’s okay to binge. Still doesn’t feel good. More practice needed. Dealing with life events so I’m using that as an excuse to binge. Again, excuse not a justification. Don’t think I’ll weigh myself for a while because I’m just so scared. Maybe when I’m in a less down, afraid mindset I’ll think differently. I’m super disgusted with myself. I know that’s not very self love no but more recently the realisation I’ve gained 10kg is killing me. 

[porkkchop]

Purged, or at least tried to ‘properly’ for the first time in maybe 6 months yesterday and I guess I’m demurring to myself that I did. Was only able to throw up water despite eating half a cake and a packet of chocolate almonds by that point. Just letting the negative out. Looking forward to seeing a new specialist for my eating behaviours next Tuesday which will be good and admittedly much needed.