LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[insanity]

 

 

What I think is stupid is if those that are uncomfortable expect there to be sweeping rule or facility changes due to their discomfort.

This is a problem everywhere... it's one thing that irks me to no end. This idea that if I'm uncomfortable at you for some reason, you're the one that needs to change. Just want to punch people in the face that say stuff like that.

[Artinum]

If someone finds my naked body attractive, I'm flattered whatever their gender. If they go beyond simple admiration, however, that's another matter.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Congrats on getting your top surgery done! Yay major step!

Do you feel comfortable at all talking to the employees/instructors at your gym to let them know? That would hopefully avoid any awkward questions from them. I know the instructors at my gym are very friendly but pretty obtuse. I would feel comfortable talking to at least one of them and asking her to pass it on, just to avoid them saying something awkward to me on my way to the change room. 

 

The instructors whose classes I normally go to are pretty cool, so hopefully everything will go over ok. I just hope I can give them the heads-up on FaceBook ahead of time, or something. I just have a feeling that disappearing for a month and then "ohey I'm in the same change room as you now btw" would probably get me a lot of reactions like: O_O

 

Or I can just avoid change rooms for the first few weeks after I'm back, just to let it sink in to everyone that something's changed.

 

 

If someone finds my naked body attractive, I'm flattered whatever their gender. If they go beyond simple admiration, however, that's another matter.

 

Yes to this, although people never see me naked lol.

[Hit]

I'm back yall! Welcome to all the new folks, good to see some fresh faces in this thread Thailand was a challenge, but everything went well and im recovering slowly and surely. If anyone has questions on it feel free to ask!

 

 

 

Being uncomfortable undressing in front of someone who might see you as a sexual object is completely valid. A gender/sexuality non-confrming person is more likely to fit that description.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this statement - are you saying LGBTQ people are more likely to "see you as a sexual object"? Cos that's a weird thing to say. Sexually attracted maybe, but attraction is not the same as objectification. 

 

 

 

Any protips to reduce the awkwardness? I have about 4 weeks lol

 

If your gym doesnt know yet, your best (and first) option is to talk to a manager about your situation - what you want and what you expect and what is and isn't okay. You need to advocated for yourself here, and educate the people who can help you get what you want. Once you have management on your side, then you can come out to a few people you feel comfortable being open to, and try and get support "on the ground" so to speak. These people can help deal with any idiots or bigots you might run into while changing, and help you feel safer using the facilities. 

 

For the actual "awkwardness" though, well you're just going to have wade through that. It goes away after a while, but you need to give it a little time to get over the hump. Having a support network at the gym will help it go smoother and faster though. Good luck!

[Igaduma]

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this statement - are you saying LGBTQ people are more likely to "see you as a sexual object"? Cos that's a weird thing to say. Sexually attracted maybe, but attraction is not the same as objectification. 

 

 

I don't think that's what he meant.  But heterosexuality is the norm and I deviate from that norm.  That doesn't mean that I'm better or worse than the others but I am different.  Now locker rooms are split male/female so that the people who could be sexually attracted to eachother don't share the same lockerroom.  And then there's us LGBTQ messing up the whole thing

I'm not more likely to objectify a man than a straight woman is but the straight women isn't sharing a lockerroom with them.

[Igaduma]

I read something a couple of weeks ago about a gym in the US cancelling some womans membership because she was making a fuss about sharing a lockerroom with someone who used to be a man.

I thought that was rather nice of them.

[fleaball]

Welcome back, Hit! Best of luck with recovery.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

I'm not sure what you mean by this statement - are you saying LGBTQ people are more likely to "see you as a sexual object"? Cos that's a weird thing to say. Sexually attracted maybe, but attraction is not the same as objectification. 

 

Not me specifically, I'm cool being bareass in front of anyone. But in the "hypothetical uncomfortable person in the lockerroom with a LGBTQ" person, yes, sexual attraction could have been a better term to use.

[trickstermage]

Brand new to NF and discovered this thread within the first couple of minutes.  It is awesome sauce.

 

I'm a trans dude... on T and post top surgery.

 

I no longer workout at the gym, but when I first started my journey I had to negotiate the "I was using that locker room and now I'm using this locker room" waters.  I made the switch pre-T and pre-surgery, so nothing had changed about me physically when I entered the men's locker room for the first time.  I told management so that they could change the "F" on my membership to an "M", but that's the only announcement I made.

 

It was a bit like ripping off a bandaid; I just sort of did all my announcing at once and as quickly as possible.

[Hit]

Welcome to the boards trickster  

[trickstermage]

Welcome to the boards trickster

 

Hey, thanks!

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Eeeeeyy, welcome back Hit! May your recovery be fast and problem-free.

 

If your gym doesnt know yet, your best (and first) option is to talk to a manager about your situation - what you want and what you expect and what is and isn't okay. You need to advocated for yourself here, and educate the people who can help you get what you want. Once you have management on your side, then you can come out to a few people you feel comfortable being open to, and try and get support "on the ground" so to speak. These people can help deal with any idiots or bigots you might run into while changing, and help you feel safer using the facilities. 

 

For the actual "awkwardness" though, well you're just going to have wade through that. It goes away after a while, but you need to give it a little time to get over the hump. Having a support network at the gym will help it go smoother and faster though. Good luck!

 

I normally go to two gyms. One of them is more private (small group training) and I've already notified the owner/head trainer about what was about to happen and why, and he was totally cool with it. I'm not sure how other members will react, but oh well XD

 

The one I'm more worried about is Goodlife, sice that's the big one with the M/F change rooms. One of the instructors and some of the members know already, but this particular instructor doesn't teach the class that I normally go to. The other members who know already simply said that "Oh, it shouldn't be a problem" and...I'm hoping this is the case? lol. I'll probably end up having to talk to management at some point, but I might talk to some of the male instructors for the class I normaly go to first, just because they know me better and...I dunno. It feels easier to bring this up with people who already know me a little (and they're some of the first people I'll likely run into in the mens locker rooms.)

 

You're right about the awkwardness: it IS starting to lessen every time I out myself to people. I'm not sure if it's due to the increased confidence, or just the fact that I'm getting used to it.

 

 

Brand new to NF and discovered this thread within the first couple of minutes.  It is awesome sauce.

 

I'm a trans dude... on T and post top surgery.

 

I no longer workout at the gym, but when I first started my journey I had to negotiate the "I was using that locker room and now I'm using this locker room" waters.  I made the switch pre-T and pre-surgery, so nothing had changed about me physically when I entered the men's locker room for the first time.  I told management so that they could change the "F" on my membership to an "M", but that's the only announcement I made.

 

It was a bit like ripping off a bandaid; I just sort of did all my announcing at once and as quickly as possible.

 

Awesome. (Also, welcome!)

 

Did anyone in the locker room give you a hard time ever? Or was it more like just getting a few odd looks here and there and that was it?

 

Also, do people generally ignore each other in the men's locker room like they do in public washrooms? I'm just wondering because I started using the men's washroom recently at the LGBTQ-friendly bar, and everyone's attitude in the men's washroom seemed to be like NOBODY TALK, AWKWARD, IGNORE EACH OTHER whereas when I used to go in the women's washrooms there, people were always having friendly banter, laughing, and discussing this, that, and the other thing. Are locker rooms the same, from your experience?

 

 

TOP SURGERY IS IN 3 HOURS.

 

If I manage to actually log on and post incoherent drivel on here this afternoon or evening, you'll all know why.

[Gainsdalf the Whey]

That's standard practice in all men's bathrooms everywhere from my experience. It's probably because we don't have couches. I've been told ladies get couches.

[Vella]

Oh, geez, I was planning on getting a gym membership when my funds permit in July. Now I remember locker rooms are a thing! X_X  I think I may just do my changing at home wherever possible...

 

And to think, I was having enough trouble negotiating binder status at the gym with myself...

[Jett]

TOP SURGERY IS IN 3 HOURS.

Omg, omg! Yayy!

[Igaduma]

hope it goes well!

[Korra]

TOP SURGERY IS IN 3 HOURS.

CONGRATS!!

[trickstermage]

Awesome. (Also, welcome!)

 

Did anyone in the locker room give you a hard time ever? Or was it more like just getting a few odd looks here and there and that was it?

 

Also, do people generally ignore each other in the men's locker room like they do in public washrooms? I'm just wondering because I started using the men's washroom recently at the LGBTQ-friendly bar, and everyone's attitude in the men's washroom seemed to be like NOBODY TALK, AWKWARD, IGNORE EACH OTHER whereas when I used to go in the women's washrooms there, people were always having friendly banter, laughing, and discussing this, that, and the other thing. Are locker rooms the same, from your experience?

 

 

TOP SURGERY IS IN 3 HOURS.

 

If I manage to actually log on and post incoherent drivel on here this afternoon or evening, you'll all know why.

 

Thanks!

 

Nope. I've never had a hard time in the locker room or bathrooms (I also made the transition while on the job.  I work with a lot of "production" guys and no one gave me any grief.)  No odd looks. Nada.

 

You'll find exceptions to the rule, but I've found that most dudes don't talk or hang out in the bathroom.  You get in, get your business done, and then you get out.  Locker rooms are similar in that no one is every really checking anyone else out, but a bit different in that many guys tend to "let it all hang out" so to speak.

 

For the record, it is perfectly okay to change in the stall of the restroom portion of the locker room.  Many guys do this and no one will wonder about it.  I change in the main area, but I have several cis guy friends who change in the stall.

 

Good luck with your surgery!  Exciting stuff.

 

Oh, geez, I was planning on getting a gym membership when my funds permit in July. Now I remember locker rooms are a thing! X_X  I think I may just do my changing at home wherever possible...

 

And to think, I was having enough trouble negotiating binder status at the gym with myself...

 

See the note above.  You can obviously change/shower at home, but you can also use the stall in the bathroom portion of the locker room.  No one will wonder about it.

[trickstermage]

Side note about wearing a binder while working out... You'll obviously get super sweaty at the gym and if you don't feel comfortable leaving it off while working out (I didn't), a bit of antiperspirant under the squished bits will prevent heat/friction related rashes from forming.

[Sovellis]

I feel like I should just stop following this thread entirely. Every time I actually look at it, I feel uncomfortable as hell, and I feel that discomfort will be used to attack me, so I don't speak. Why the hell am I following this? I might be a bisexual transman, but this thread does nothing but freak me out, so screw this thread. Maybe I'll look into starting my own.

[Hit]

 

 

TOP SURGERY IS IN 3 HOURS.

 

OMG Good luck! Hope it all went well

 

 

 

It's probably because we don't have couches. I've been told ladies get couches.

 

We do sometimes! But the main difference is the presence of bins in the stalls. 

[Hit]

 

 

Every time I actually look at it, I feel uncomfortable as hell, and I feel that discomfort will be used to attack me, so I don't speak.

 

well that's unexpected - what do you feel uncomfortable about?

[Sovellis]

well that's unexpected - what do you feel uncomfortable about?

 

I fully admit my discomfort is from first glances at posts. I have seen topics come up and thought, nope, I cannot deal with that subject right now. So I stay away.

 

Every time I actually look at a post I feel, 'that's not a fight I want to step into right now,' so maybe I haven't seen the way things are handled here as much. I see a post about how it's horrible that someone says women and men should work out differently, and I shy away, not because I don't have strong beliefs, but because I have had my fill of misogynistic bullshit for the day usually. And that makes me feel like crap. Because of all people, I should be the one fighting. I have resources, I have education, fuck, I mod/admin/whatever you want to call it for several online groups related to these things. So...

 

1. I am burned out as fuck right now. I've been fighting like hell for years and have yet to see much change. (I know it takes time, but still)

2. I have seen several posts that start with how men and women should work out differently because.... and I just can't fight that fight right now

3. This is the one place, the one single place in my life, where I am not entirely out to the point of activism and protest and educating, and I honestly kinda like not having to take the lead for once. Unfortunately it means I either look away and preserve my stupid little sanctuary, or tackle it head on and take on another political challenge.

 

I want to help, but it's nice to have one place where people only know me as a man. Not as a former lesbian. Not as a trans man. Just as a man. I am reluctant to give that up.

[WillToPower]

I want to help, but it's nice to have one place where people only know me as a man. Not as a former lesbian. Not as a trans man. Just as a man. I am reluctant to give that up.

 

You don't have to give that up. Just because there is a space for the queer community on NF doesn't mean that you are obligated to take part in it.

 

Outside of NF, I'm not involved with the LGBTQA community. Sure, my friends are aware, but I don't actively seek out the community. I never wanted the fact that I'm gay to be the central thing about me. I still don't. Some people I know make being LGBTQA a part of everything that they do, others don't. I am more than that, and there are spaces where I don't come out because I don't want to deal with what would result - example: my sports team.

 

I have only posted here twice. Once to ask a question before I came out of the closet. Once to come out on NF.

On occasion, I'll take a peek and see what's new here, but I haven't subscribed to this thread, nor have I felt the urge to comment on anything that I've seen. I barely ever bring up the fact that I'm gay outside of this thread, other than once during an update where I said "I came out of the closet". That's it. I don't want or need to say any more than that. I never once felt obligated to do so. You don't have to feel obligated to post here, or to follow this thread, or to come out to this community.

 

People only have so much that they can deal with. That's normal. Don't feel ashamed about it. I do it too.

[Hit]

 

 

I want to help, but it's nice to have one place where people only know me as a man. Not as a former lesbian. Not as a trans man. Just as a man. I am reluctant to give that up.

 

I feel you on this - i only really 'came out' to the boards about being trans a few months back myself. Being stealth is hard to maintain, and I don't think it's wrong to want to preserve parts of your life where you don't have to explain or justify your identity. That being said - 

 

 

 

Every time I actually look at a post I feel, 'that's not a fight I want to step into right now,'

 

is the part I find confusing. Do you mean on this thread specifically? Or the boards in general? Usually we only have heavy arguments when someone brigades from the other threads (like the debacle over whether or not homosexuality and pedophilia were fundamentally different, or the guy who wanted to argue straight-pride and marriage inequality). 

 

I'd def recommend not joining the fights, and there's certainly no obligation to be an activist. But you can vent or share or converse, it's a safe space not a fight club after all