LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Vella]

I would love to have gray hair because then I wouldn't need to bleach it anymore to dye it weird colors.

 

On a less lighthearted note...

I have a bit of a question. I had planned to get the undercut I mentioned yesterday but we are in a current financial bind and can't pay to get it done. The clippers I borrowed didn't have a guard with my preferred length. I ended up having a complete meltdown to my husband and going on and on about how I feel like I can never be me and people will judge me if I don't look feminine. He was very supportive for which I am thankful.

My question is, despite seeing that this obviously has a pretty significant effect on me I still can't manage to think of myself as a legitimate case, if that makes any sense. I feel like I have no right to complain about how things are and like I can't legitimately put a label of gender identity confusion on myself. Is that normal?

 

Probably a bit late to the game, but agreeing with advice so far - when you see other folks with gender identity stuff they're working through, and your brain is still wobbling on the 'but wait am I really...?' scale, it can be really daunting.  When I first realised I was an alphabet-souper (thanks Bekah!), it basically consisted of my crying to two friends over IM chat about how I felt like an intruder on the LGBTQIA community (or an impostor).

And then people started using my preferred pronouns and here I am figuring out how to best handle Christmas.

Besides, rethinking gender identity is rethinking a huge chunk of your identity thus far, so no wonder it's daunting.  I say be brave, question.  Nobody's going to tell you you're wrong or disrespectful if you take some time to consider the issue thoroughly and come back with the answer "Nope, I was right the first time."

 

Hey all you alphabet soupers!

Is anyone planning on going to Camp Nerd Fitness 2015??? I just booked my spot and want to know if I'm going to be the lonely letter among us.

 

Argh, I wish ... but I'm in Australia and plane tickets are super expensive :(

[Bekah]

Ok....I have another "How many of us "alphabet soupers" have this issue?" question.

I know we are all at least aware of 12 step programs for various addictions, do you think addictions are more common among us (any/all of them) and if so, any particular ones and theories as to why?

In my experience, I'd say yes, we are more prone to addictions (chemical/alcohol and maybe sex/love addiction specifically) and I think its partly coping with being isolated from others "like us" and also just the angst from being unsure/not fitting in/being too much/not enough due to our gender/sexuality differences.

What do y'all think?

[Hit]

 

And then people started using my preferred pronouns and here I am figuring out how to best handle Christmas.

 

oh hey congrats on moving forward yo! thats really cool

 

 

 

In my experience, I'd say yes, we are more prone to addictions (chemical/alcohol and maybe sex/love addiction specifically) and I think its partly coping with being isolated from others "like us" and also just the angst from being unsure/not fitting in/being too much/not enough due to our gender/sexuality differences. 

 

maybe? i mean, i dont think i have an addictive personality, but i do have a self-destructive one and those two can look kinda similar from the outside. is that due to my being trans - id say its highly likely. 

[Candace Koller]

Thanks for the great advice everyone. I really appreciate it.

This is something I have experienced my entire life but never had words to describe before. I think my mind is just kicking into overdrive saying nope, gotta keep the status quo because it is more comfortable than change so admit nothing to yourself.

Looking back it looks clear as day and honestly I think it is about time for some change. Despite the mental barriers I think I will actually feel better if things do change up a bit and I start pursuing a more neutral look. So I'm going to say it here and I have already said it to my husband who accepts me as I am, so now it is my turn to accept me too.

I am a gender. And that's ok.

[Twilight]

Ok....I have another "How many of us "alphabet soupers" have this issue?" question.

I know we are all at least aware of 12 step programs for various addictions, do you think addictions are more common among us (any/all of them) and if so, any particular ones and theories as to why?

In my experience, I'd say yes, we are more prone to addictions (chemical/alcohol and maybe sex/love addiction specifically) and I think its partly coping with being isolated from others "like us" and also just the angst from being unsure/not fitting in/being too much/not enough due to our gender/sexuality differences.

What do y'all think?

 

I agree with your theory. Depression from a constant barrage of violence, harassment, and discrimination, combined with an absence of or a poor support system will do that.

[kaelvan]

Ok....I have another "How many of us "alphabet soupers" have this issue?" question.

I know we are all at least aware of 12 step programs for various addictions, do you think addictions are more common among us (any/all of them) and if so, any particular ones and theories as to why?

In my experience, I'd say yes, we are more prone to addictions (chemical/alcohol and maybe sex/love addiction specifically) and I think its partly coping with being isolated from others "like us" and also just the angst from being unsure/not fitting in/being too much/not enough due to our gender/sexuality differences.

What do y'all think?

Hell yeah. I been in and out of "mental" hospitals for my late teen years and it's shocking to see how many "alphabet soupers" there were with some sort of addiction.

[K-Prime]

Ok....I have another "How many of us "alphabet soupers" have this issue?" question.

I know we are all at least aware of 12 step programs for various addictions, do you think addictions are more common among us (any/all of them) and if so, any particular ones and theories as to why?

Absolutely. When I first came out and moved to the big city, I had a huge problem finding a queer scene to relate to because it seemed all the girls I met were either major partiers (blend of drinking/coke/MDMA) or former partiers who were now in a recovery program and would completely judge me for wanting to go out and have a beer. I know not everyone in recovery is like that, but the people I met at the time were. 

 

And to echo what Twilight said, I feel very strongly that it mostly stems from depression and feeling isolated. Going through those terrible hormone-filled teenage years is hard enough, without throwing in confusing same-sex crushes or gender confusion. I know I've got some pretty scarring stories from high school that it made it really hard to accept myself and be honest with my life. I am VERY lucky that I had some great friends that loved me as I was and encouraged me to move to Vancouver and get my life started in a queer-friendly center. 

[Bekah]

Absolutely. When I first came out and moved to the big city, I had a huge problem finding a queer scene to relate to because it seemed all the girls I met were either major partiers (blend of drinking/coke/MDMA) or former partiers who were now in a recovery program and would completely judge me for wanting to go out and have a beer. I know not everyone in recovery is like that, but the people I met at the time were. 

 

And to echo what Twilight said, I feel very strongly that it mostly stems from depression and feeling isolated. Going through those terrible hormone-filled teenage years is hard enough, without throwing in confusing same-sex crushes or gender confusion. I know I've got some pretty scarring stories from high school that it made it really hard to accept myself and be honest with my life. I am VERY lucky that I had some great friends that loved me as I was and encouraged me to move to Vancouver and get my life started in a queer-friendly center.

awww Im SO glad you are past that, I really have been insanely blessed in this respect, because I never thought of myself as "not normal" in terms of my sexual choices, and I went to hs in the deep South and I knew they were all insane and hated anything that wasnt white and male and Southern Baptist and I decided to be as opposite of their expectations as possible, I was openly bisexual and dated other races and just did whatever I wanted, and the two people who ever chose to say something got scared when I threatened to beat their ass and ruin their pretty little cheerleader faces.

I had lots of other icky shit that very much influenced my life and led to dependence on substances and people, but this was never one of them.

[shaeon]

Ok....I have another "How many of us "alphabet soupers" have this issue?" question.

I know we are all at least aware of 12 step programs for various addictions, do you think addictions are more common among us (any/all of them) and if so, any particular ones and theories as to why?

In my experience, I'd say yes, we are more prone to addictions (chemical/alcohol and maybe sex/love addiction specifically) and I think its partly coping with being isolated from others "like us" and also just the angst from being unsure/not fitting in/being too much/not enough due to our gender/sexuality differences.

What do y'all think?

 

 

I think so. 

I've known people who have a lot of support, but still feel incredibly insecure about being out. It's one of the things I try to explain to people when talking about why gay marriage is important - even if you have all the support your own community can offer, you can still see the signs that the world thinks you are Wrong and that takes its toll. Getting told that you are Wrong just for being yourself is bound to lead some of us into depression and that will lead to addiction - not to mention all the terrible relationships that come out of that, leading to just more problems still. 

Additionally, I seem to know a lot of queer people with chronic anxiety, and I believe that chronic anxiety is a chemical issue rather than being strictly emotional - meaning I don't think that being queer gives you anxiety, and I don't think you can tell someone with chronic anxiety "just don't be anxious!" - for the most part they need medication. But I think if you already have anxiety and you're also queer, that's a pretty tough road you are on. And again, it's bound to lead to issues - self medicating, etc. 

This is actually a tricky topic for me, though. I can rationalize the things that lead people to addiction. But there's also addiction in my family, I have an ex who is the adult child of addicts. There've been bad things in my life that were caused by addicts. I've been let down tremendously by people who are addicts. So while I can see where our situation leads a lot of us into addiction, I feel frustrated by the excuses people give for addiction.

[kaelvan]

I think what is let of my depression is why I can't seem to come out I'm a lesbian to people since I already annoyed the living daylights out of the people I love with all the craziness I put them through. It's stupid I know, but I seriously just don't want to create more drama.

 

Besides when I was younger dealing with my depression at its peak, I basically was outed (when I thought I was just bi) because my parents went through my computer and found the blogs I followed. And their conclusions was I was actually secretly hating on alphabet soup community and not because 'oh my daughter could be on the spectrum'. When I told them I was bi, they told me that doesn't exist, that they are really just kinky motherf****ers who do threesomes, this was a phase, and that I was either gay or straight (can't like both...funny they said the same thing as me being libertarian).

 

Seriously that great thing you should tell your daughter, who having trouble accepting her sexuality and being scared half to death even telling really anyone that she starting to have more and more feelings for women. As well as, dealing with crippling depression and cutting addiction.

 

Mean I got to the point with my parents, I was actually planning on being homeless (multiple times).

 

The more and more force myself to get into relationships with guys, the more I wanted to be with women. And sex was uhhh. *shiever* Though I only got one relationship with girl, which didn't last long.

 

More annoying when I got into one relationship with a guy, they said to me oh I thought you were a lesbian and they accepted I was going to have hard life. Which I became straight again in their eyes because of that relationship.

 

It's not until recent until I realize I'm just a lesbian. I don't want to deal with their quick judgement and waiting to jump on my relationships.

[Bekah]

I think what is let of my depression is why I can't seem to come out I'm a lesbian to people since I already annoyed the living daylights out of the people I love with all the craziness I put them through. It's stupid I know, but I seriously just don't want to create more drama.

 

Besides when I was younger dealing with my depression at its peak, I basically was outed (when I thought I was just bi) because my parents went through my computer and found the blogs I followed. And their conclusions was I was actually secretly hating on alphabet soup community and not because 'oh my daughter could be on the spectrum'. When I told them I was bi, they told me that doesn't exist, that they are really just kinky motherf****ers who do threesomes, this was a phase, and that I was either gay or straight (can't like both...funny they said the same thing as me being libertarian).

 

Seriously that great thing you should tell your daughter, who having trouble accepting her sexuality and being scared half to death even telling really anyone that she starting to have more and more feelings for women. As well as, dealing with crippling depression and cutting addiction.

 

Mean I got to the point with my parents, I was actually planning on being homeless (multiple times).

 

The more and more force myself to get into relationships with guys, the more I wanted to be with women. And sex was uhhh. *shiever* Though I only got one relationship with girl, which didn't last long.

 

More annoying when I got into one relationship with a guy, they said to me oh I thought you were a lesbian and they accepted I was going to have hard life. Which I became straight again in their eyes because of that relationship.

 

It's not until recent until I realize I'm just a lesbian. I don't want to deal with their quick judgement and waiting to jump on my relationships.

hugs thats shitty I have never said anything to my family, and havent needed to since im married to a guy and never got serious with any women as an adult...im sure they will find out someday and act like assholes, bc well thats what they do, luckily my give a shit button broke a while back....

I think you are an amazing person and you always make me smile, I hope someday that surpasses who you sleep with for them too.

[Kevin Mack]

Hypothesis re: addictive behavior (cis-male hetero disclaimer): Could there be a component of liberalism to the addiction piece? LGBQT tends to correlate with liberal politics (but not always). Liberals and libertarians are more open to recreational drug use, which may contribute to the prevalence of these addictions within that demographic. Perhaps in the presence of other factors the type addiction may be determined by these stimuli, in much the same way that fundamentalist Christian men have (anecdotally) higher rates of porn addiction. This conservative demographic is perhaps less likely to experience drug addiction but no less likely to display other forms of addictive behavior. There are factors which determine a susceptibility to addictive behaviors and there are different factors which determine how the addictive behavior manifests itself. Maybe?

[Candace Koller]

I think what is let of my depression is why I can't seem to come out I'm a lesbian to people since I already annoyed the living daylights out of the people I love with all the craziness I put them through. It's stupid I know, but I seriously just don't want to create more drama.

 

Besides when I was younger dealing with my depression at its peak, I basically was outed (when I thought I was just bi) because my parents went through my computer and found the blogs I followed. And their conclusions was I was actually secretly hating on alphabet soup community and not because 'oh my daughter could be on the spectrum'. When I told them I was bi, they told me that doesn't exist, that they are really just kinky motherf****ers who do threesomes, this was a phase, and that I was either gay or straight (can't like both...funny they said the same thing as me being libertarian).

 

Seriously that great thing you should tell your daughter, who having trouble accepting her sexuality and being scared half to death even telling really anyone that she starting to have more and more feelings for women. As well as, dealing with crippling depression and cutting addiction.

 

Mean I got to the point with my parents, I was actually planning on being homeless (multiple times).

 

The more and more force myself to get into relationships with guys, the more I wanted to be with women. And sex was uhhh. *shiever* Though I only got one relationship with girl, which didn't last long.

 

More annoying when I got into one relationship with a guy, they said to me oh I thought you were a lesbian and they accepted I was going to have hard life. Which I became straight again in their eyes because of that relationship.

 

It's not until recent until I realize I'm just a lesbian. I don't want to deal with their quick judgement and waiting to jump on my relationships.

 

This is tough. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Parents and older generations seem to have a much harder time accepting these kinds of things in my experience. I wish I knew a way to fix it for you. With depression, more drama is the last thing you need. That is a completely legitimate reason for not saying anything. Maybe you will feel safer coming out when things improve a bit. I don't think you should rush it. If coming out hurts you in any way I'm of the opinion it can wait until it will hurt less. But if not coming out is hurting you that is another story entirely.

[Kevin Mack]

I've seen the generational gap in the military since the DADT repeal. Most of the younger people are either supportive or indifferent. The older officers are typically politically correct but visibly uncomfortable with the subject and the senior NCOs (typically men in their late 30s) act like teenagers with the "huh huh, you're gay", "that's gay", "stop being such a homo" stuff.

[kaelvan]

My parents aren't the best at handling things (my parents have in the past had told me this on different issues), but they do have somewhat good intentions.

 

My mom, she grew up with one of friends, who was like a (another) older brother to. He happened to be gay (her and my grandparents always knew) and have to leave to keep from humiliating his family of him being gay. He sadly died from aids before I was born and his mom tried suing the guy he love (since left all his money to him in the will. My grandpa (when he wasn't such an extreme conservative) ended up having to talk her out of it.

 

I just have bit left over anger (and fear) of everything I been through. I learning to let go of it slowly.

 

I can't fully blame my parents. Mostly how they were raised. Funny how my mom actually becoming more moderate when it comes to her views. And more aware the craziness of her family (they are way too conservative...always talking about gays doing this and that).

 

Maybe one of these days I'll come out (definably have cake involved...no one can get upset with cake involved). And does get be a drain, when dodging certain questions (can only make so many cat lady jokes) gets involved.

[Bekah]

Hypothesis re: addictive behavior (cis-male hetero disclaimer): Could there be a component of liberalism to the addiction piece? LGBQT tends to correlate with liberal politics (but not always). Liberals and libertarians are more open to recreational drug use, which may contribute to the prevalence of these addictions within that demographic. Perhaps in the presence of other factors the type addiction may be determined by these stimuli, in much the same way that fundamentalist Christian men have (anecdotally) higher rates of porn addiction. This conservative demographic is perhaps less likely to experience drug addiction but no less likely to display other forms of addictive behavior. There are factors which determine a susceptibility to addictive behaviors and there are different factors which determine how the addictive behavior manifests itself. Maybe?

I don't know that it should be attributed to the political idea of Liberalism, but you have to be openminded and less interested in staying inside the box, so to speak, which is inherent in being a minority of any kind just bc of who you are (in general...there are some very close minded and status quo minority political persons, so it cant be universally applied) so I think that is why Liberalism is seen as the party of the minorities and has become what it is, but I think that its just a correlation based on the minority factor, and its also less acceptable in the Conservative circles to do those things, so it may be it's just more hidden than less prevalent? If your church or boss or parents would look poorly on you, of course you arent going to tell them. I also think it is in part related to money, bc the Conservatives tend to be more affluent in general, and minorities (regardless of whether its race, gender, sexual orientation) make less money and are more likely to rely on govermental programs to treat addictions, which skews statistics bc private rehab facilities arent required to release that information, but I bet if you could see them, there are a lot more addiction problems in that demographic than is publicized. As far as sexual addictions in Christian men, I personally think that the sexual repression that is common in Christianity and encouraged even when someone is clearly struggling and then subsequently judged by both men/women (and presumably god, based on the dogma) because heterosexual monogamy for a lifetime is a very small box and I have seen far too many people try and fail to stay in it...and lead to addiction and suicide.

[Candace Koller]

I'd agree with Bekah that addiction is much more visual in minorities but I know plenty of conservatives that also struggle with substance addiction. The difference I see in them is they don't admit it or seek help. I've seen plenty of conservatives who are functioning alcoholics who "don't have a problem but just like to drink" or use pain pills for their "totally legitimate" pain and so on. Being in Texas, the majority of people I run across are conservative or GOP so I can't give a very clear view on what I see in the liberal communities but I would imagine it's a lot of the same. Addiction knows no party, race, or creed.

(BTW I got my haircut! My husband says he's never seen me smile so big before)

[Bekah]

My parents aren't the best at handling things (my parents have in the past had told me this on different issues), but they do have somewhat good intentions.

 

My mom, she grew up with one of friends, who was like a (another) older brother to. He happened to be gay (her and my grandparents always knew) and have to leave to keep from humiliating his family of him being gay. He sadly died from aids before I was born and his mom tried suing the guy he love (since left all his money to him in the will. My grandpa (when he wasn't such an extreme conservative) ended up having to talk her out of it.

 

I just have bit left over anger (and fear) of everything I been through. I learning to let go of it slowly.

 

I can't fully blame my parents. Mostly how they were raised. Funny how my mom actually becoming more moderate when it comes to her views. And more aware the craziness of her family (they are way too conservative...always talking about gays doing this and that).

 

Maybe one of these days I'll come out (definably have cake involved...no one can get upset with cake involved). And does get be a drain, when dodging certain questions (can only make so many cat lady jokes) gets involved.

yes, make a rainbow cake and give party favors

[Bekah]

I'd agree with Bekah that addiction is much more visual in minorities but I know plenty of conservatives that also struggle with substance addiction. The difference I see in them is they don't admit it or seek help. I've seen plenty of conservatives who are functioning alcoholics who "don't have a problem but just like to drink" or use pain pills for their "totally legitimate" pain and so on. Being in Texas, the majority of people I run across are conservative or GOP so I can't give a very clear view on what I see in the liberal communities but I would imagine it's a lot of the same. Addiction knows no party, race, or creed.

(BTW I got my haircut! My husband says he's never seen me smile so big before)

pics?!?! please?

[kaelvan]

Hypothesis re: addictive behavior (cis-male hetero disclaimer): Could there be a component of liberalism to the addiction piece? LGBQT tends to correlate with liberal politics (but not always). Liberals and libertarians are more open to recreational drug use, which may contribute to the prevalence of these addictions within that demographic. Perhaps in the presence of other factors the type addiction may be determined by these stimuli, in much the same way that fundamentalist Christian men have (anecdotally) higher rates of porn addiction. This conservative demographic is perhaps less likely to experience drug addiction but no less likely to display other forms of addictive behavior. There are factors which determine a susceptibility to addictive behaviors and there are different factors which determine how the addictive behavior manifests itself. Maybe?

Actually I'm seeing more and more Conservatives open to it (more of the moderates atleast). As well as with the Conservative politicians. Remember while back in October, Boehner went to help raise money for open gay Rebulican candidates DeMaio and Richard Tisei.

[Candace Koller]

pics?!?! please?

 

 

I had it up in a braid in the first one but the lighting was really crummy and you can't see it.

I always feel awkward in pictures, never know what face to make lol. I think most people just have kind of an intuitive posing ability I lack.

[Kevin Mack]

Good points all around (sorry for some reason I can't multi-quote from my work pc). Bekah, you're right. I meant classical liberalism  (individual liberty) as opposed to modern American liberalism. Without looking at the numbers I couldn't say for certain but yeah I think in conservative circles the stigma against porn may prevent people from seeking help which may exacerbate the problem when it does arise. I can say from experience that when drugs come up among such people it's "how to keep your kids off drugs" and when porn comes up its "the evil that ensnares grown men". But I would be curious to see if the statistics support my anecdotal experience.   It sounds like some of you have seen a different side of this issue than I have.

[Bekah]

it looks great! and yes, they do. I was lucky and my dad taught me how as a kid, and I taught my son how...bc it wasnt natural to either of us, but to most people it is...annnnd, im not certain, in your case but I think that its indicative of me and JJ having Aspergers bc it relates to lack of appropriate use facial expressions, although for me, its a lot more than just that (one of the characteristics listed for diagnosis) and in a very informal FB poll, many many AS adults fall outside of "cisgendered heterosexual" on the gender/sexuality continuum.

[Bekah]

Good points all around (sorry for some reason I can't multi-quote from my work pc). Bekah, you're right. I meant classical liberalism (individual liberty) as opposed to modern American liberalism. Without looking at the numbers I couldn't say for certain but yeah I think in conservative circles the stigma against porn may prevent people from seeking help which may exacerbate the problem when it does arise. I can say from experience that when drugs come up among such people it's "how to keep your kids off drugs" and when porn comes up its "the evil that ensnares grown men". But I would be curious to see if the statistics support my anecdotal experience. It sounds like some of you have seen a different side of this issue than I have.

I have a very large family with very Conservative Christian beliefs, and it has taken me a long time to accept that SO much of what is passed around re: anything outside what's acceptable, is fear motivated...porn in itself isnt harmful in itself (we can debate the ethics of paying for womens bodies in another post if you want ) but if you are taught that its evil and immoral and that by looking at porn (using drugs, drinking etc.) you are demeaning your family, your faith, yourself and you need to "be a better Christian/husband/father" and "trust in Jesus" and then it becomes this shame based existence where a man feels that by having desires outside of the "one wife for eternity and only these positions/times/places etc." (speaking in terms of porn addiction here) that he is a failure in all the things that matter most, it becomes a monster, rather than an occasional outlet for desires, and if he as an addictive personality to start with, the shame/guilt/release cycle only makes it more desireable and it truly becomrs an addiction at that point, and then it will ruin everrything if not handled...and that goes for any behavior that isnt sanctioned by that persons particular group.

But, to accept that line of thinking, you first have to accept that there are forces at play in the world outside of the God/Satan dichotomy and that we have more control over our choices and arent just either being "good" or "led astray by Satan" and many many Christians are too afraid of becoming the evil "other" to ever even consider that, like the only options available to them are "be a good Christian" or you instantly become a Satanist who murders kittens and has orgies with everyone, that a normal life without fear and shame, can and does exist. (Not saying that is how you feel, but Lots of Christians do, in my experiences)

[kaelvan]

I have a very large family with very Conservative Christian beliefs, and it has taken me a long time to accept that SO much of what is passed around re: anything outside what's acceptable, is fear motivated...porn in itself isnt harmful in itself (we can debate the ethics of paying for womens bodies in another post if you want ) but if you are taught that its evil and immoral and that by looking at porn (using drugs, drinking etc.) you are demeaning your family, your faith, yourself and you need to "be a better Christian/husband/father" and "trust in Jesus" and then it becomes this shame based existence where a man feels that by having desires outside of the "one wife for eternity and only these positions/times/places etc." (speaking in terms of porn addiction here) that he is a failure in all the things that matter most, it becomes a monster, rather than an occasional outlet for desires, and if he as an addictive personality to start with, the shame/guilt/release cycle only makes it more desireable and it truly becomrs an addiction at that point, and then it will ruin everrything if not handled...and that goes for any behavior that isnt sanctioned by that persons particular group.

But, to accept that line of thinking, you first have to accept that there are forces at play in the world outside of the God/Satan dichotomy and that we have more control over our choices and arent just either being "good" or "led astray by Satan" and many many Christians are too afraid of becoming the evil "other" to ever even consider that, like the only options available to them are "be a good Christian" or you instantly become a Satanist who murders kittens and has orgies with everyone, that a normal life without fear and shame, can and does exist. (Not saying that is how you feel, but Lots of Christians do, in my experiences)

Though Satanists and their nature worshiping.