Unhealthy family members, and what to do about it

[Maris Stella]

So, my dad just bought two shake weights.

 

Not one, but two.

 

That's sort of funny-ha-ha at first glance, and sort of "what's so wrong with that?" when you think about it, but ultimately it's the latest symptom of a problem that I am increasingly worried about.

 

My whole family is overweight, out of shape, and teetering on the edge of serious health problems.

 

To be really honest, I'm frustrated and a little angry, and more than that I am scared. His efforts are so halfhearted and gadget-oriented. He thinks "I need to start exercising!" so he buys a stationary bike, or an expensive series of workout videos, or a silly tool, and inevitably he'll use them for a week or two and then stop. He says "we need to eat healthier!" but he doesn't stick to it for more than a few days. He'll pop the cholesterol pills, but won't go to the doctor regularly. I totally understand that this is hard stuff to do and changing your habits is difficult (I wouldn't be here if I didn't), but I feel like he is incorrectly identifying the problem. The problem isn't that he doesn't have the stuff. It's that he doesn't do the work.

 

I'm bringing this up because I suspect a lot of us struggle with this, and I am hoping some of us have figured out what they can do to help. I feel like I need to talk to my parents about this, but I don't know how to start. I don't want to be overly dramatic and scary, or offensive, or wishy-washy...but I AM afraid of losing them. I want them to live long, happy lives and I want them around for the milestones in mine. 

 

So, have any of you performed such an intervention? What worked for you, and what didn't?

[MariahSnow]

Hey marisstella,

 

My mother is the most gullible when it comes to diets, exercise, and the like. We don't have a good relationship at all, so how I deal with her is probably not recommended for normal individuals. Sorry for the TMI, but background is needed. My mother is a smoker, and I'd consider her a prescription drug addict but I'm probably the only one. If you have anxiety, take a pill. If you can't sleep, take a pill. Do ANYTHING except address the underlying problems that cause sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, etc. She's also skin and bones (probably weighs 130lbs and is 5'9"). She lives on bread and yogurt. If my father is working late, she doesn't eat (or heats up a frozen meal). She constantly talks about how she needs to lose weight, but recently she told me she was going to go vegan. I don't even think she knows what that means. I basically just told her straight up that a vegan diet, in my opinion, is not healthy because you have to supplement your diet with things like B12, etc. I basically just shut her down and she never brought it up again. She's bought exercise bikes. I remember her doing some kind of fruit diet when I was in high school, like only coffee and tea and fruit for the first week, then fruit and veggies, then like the tiniest portion of meal, etc.

 

The problem with all of this, both your parents and mine, is that none of it is sustainable. They try to do too much and end up failing and then give up. Maybe instead of being dramatic and scary, try to just be straightforward. Talk about making small changes. Ask them to take baby steps. It could be really frustrating, but some of it might stick (hopefully).

 

I can personally vouch for the fact that dramatic tactics don't work: I broke down one time and cried at my parents about their smoking, told them I thought they were slowly committing suicide. That was when I was like 15. 11 years later and they're both still smoking.

 

Another good idea would be to switch from the position of the "criticizer" to the position of the "motivator". If negative reinforcement isn't work, perhaps positive reinforcement will help. It also might open up lines of communication about what they're struggling with and why. And you might be able to offer suggestions if they start seeing you as someone they can turn to for help.

 

The intervention thing has never worked in my family and I don't think there is anything truer in that situation than, "you can't help people who don't want to help themselves". It's terrible and unfortunate when these people are family, but sometimes that's just the way it is.

[Laney]

IMO, there is only 1 correct answer to this. You cannot change anyone except yourself. If they truly thought there was a problem, they would be actively working to fix it. Hopefully when they see the positive change in you, they will have more desire to change themselves.

[Maris Stella]

IMO, there is only 1 correct answer to this. You cannot change anyone except yourself. If they truly thought there was a problem, they would be actively working to fix it. Hopefully when they see the positive change in you, they will have more desire to change themselves.

 

I get what you are saying, but at the same time I don't think it's right to do nothing. If my good friend was addicted to alcohol, I would try an intervention before throwing up my hands. If my significant other stopped bathing, we'd have a conversation before I just gave up. And this is family, which further complicates the issue. On a really selfish level, these are people I will have to support by myself, when they are no longer able to do it on their own. And on an unselfish level, these are people that I love and feel responsible for. I don't want them to be miserable and sick in their old age. Eventually I will be responsible for their welfare, so I think I have an obligation to at least try something before it's truly too late.

 

 

 

The problem with all of this, both your parents and mine, is that none of it is sustainable. They try to do too much and end up failing and then give up. Maybe instead of being dramatic and scary, try to just be straightforward. Talk about making small changes. Ask them to take baby steps. It could be really frustrating, but some of it might stick (hopefully).

 

I can personally vouch for the fact that dramatic tactics don't work: I broke down one time and cried at my parents about their smoking, told them I thought they were slowly committing suicide. That was when I was like 15. 11 years later and they're both still smoking.

 

Another good idea would be to switch from the position of the "criticizer" to the position of the "motivator". If negative reinforcement isn't work, perhaps positive reinforcement will help. It also might open up lines of communication about what they're struggling with and why. And you might be able to offer suggestions if they start seeing you as someone they can turn to for help.

 

The intervention thing has never worked in my family and I don't think there is anything truer in that situation than, "you can't help people who don't want to help themselves". It's terrible and unfortunate when these people are family, but sometimes that's just the way it is.

 

Thank you for your advice! I haven't tried any reinforcement yet, to be honest, because I wanted to start on the right foot. They seem to want to help themselves, but maybe not enough to change their habits longterm...I'm not sure. I think your comment about sustainability is really on the mark. For example, my dad got a gym membership about six months ago, and he went every day for two weeks. My mom started doing the same, and both of them injured themselves. Not badly, but enough to make them think they were too out of shape to exercise. It seems like they have trapped themselves in a catch-22. 

 

But then again, don't most of us go through that stage before we have our "eureka" moment?

 

For me, that moment was reading about Staci's transformation. That was how I found out about Nerd Fitness, and what led to a complete change in how I looked at my health.  I don't know if that's how it happens for most people. 

[Anduril]

IMO, there is only 1 correct answer to this. You cannot change anyone except yourself. If they truly thought there was a problem, they would be actively working to fix it. Hopefully when they see the positive change in you, they will have more desire to change themselves.

This. Especially with parents.

[quaintly]

But then again, don't most of us go through that stage before we have our "eureka" moment?

 

For me, that moment was reading about Staci's transformation. That was how I found out about Nerd Fitness, and what led to a complete change in how I looked at my health.  I don't know if that's how it happens for most people. 

 

And I think this is why you can't really talk to unhealthy family members and have it be effective. I never listened to my dad (and he never listened to anyone) before I decided to get healthy for me. I understand that you want to try, but as has been said "you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves." You used alcohol as an example. Even interventions for things like that, things that people know without even thinking about it are bad for them, hardly ever work.

 

If you have to have a talk, have it once. And then drop it. Instead, ask them to go on walks with you. Even when I had no interest in exercise, I was happy to go walk my parents' dogs with my dad. Pick a healthier place to get dinner. Help them start to see these small habits aren't so hard by doing it with them, not talking about it. 

[sumdawgtwigg]

My family is the exact same way. The only difference is they aren't teetering on the health problems, they are already there. Constantly eating the most southern, fried, greasy food possible. All through life they have been taught that this is the kind of food that "puts meat on your bones" and I really think in their head they don't see the connections with their health problems. When I'm visiting my mother will constantly try to feed me the most unhealthy foods, knowing that I'm trying so hard to change. I know she means well but it's so frustrating. 

 

I really don't have much advice, because the harder I've tried to help them the worse it's gotten. I hope that you can help your family though, good luck! 

[Maris Stella]

I wish I could do things with them. But I live 3,000 miles away. That was a very good suggestion though. 

 

I know everyone is giving the best advice you have, when you are telling me not to talk to them. I appreciate that, and I am thankful that you bothered! I see that you truly believe that is the best course of action, and you are trying to save me from wasted effort and frustration.

 

But please understand that I am not going to take that advice. 

 

Instead, I would really love to hear what kinds of messages might be the most effective, even if the odds are slim. I'd like to hear how you guys came to your current journey toward a fit, healthy lifestyle -- did you stumble upon something on the internet? Was it a friend or mentor? Etc. If you are older, I would especially love to hear this stuff, since both my parents are aging and adopting a fitness regimen must seem particularly intimidating to them. I mean, obviously, or pops wouldn't be buying a shake weight.

 

I'd like to hear strategies that involve a possibility of success, however remote it is. Doing nothing guarantees there will be no outcome. 

 

My parents aren't stubborn, or even picky eaters. They just have terrible habits and physical limitations, and I think they are afraid of change. Assuming for a minute that they ARE willing to help themselves if they could just have their Eureka moment, how can I help bring that moment about? 

[Maris Stella]

My family is the exact same way. The only difference is they aren't teetering on the health problems, they are already there. Constantly eating the most southern, fried, greasy food possible. All through life they have been taught that this is the kind of food that "puts meat on your bones" and I really think in their head they don't see the connections with their health problems. When I'm visiting my mother will constantly try to feed me the most unhealthy foods, knowing that I'm trying so hard to change. I know she means well but it's so frustrating. 

 

I really don't have much advice, because the harder I've tried to help them the worse it's gotten. I hope that you can help your family though, good luck! 

 

My parents also live in the south! I honestly don't know how people live past 50 on that diet. 

 

Actually, I think it would be VERY helpful to hear what you have tried. Knowing what did not work for others could still be instructive!

[Anduril]

But please understand that I am not going to take that advice.

 

Well, then.

[Katariana]

I've had this problem too, with my mom and now somewhat with my husband.

 

My mom is getting closer to 50, she's had a lot of health problems, and even needs surgery, but keeps deciding to put it off because she's scared. Her doctors keep telling her to loose weight and take better care of herself, and she means to, but it doesn't happen. She's open to change, and exercise. She's even a great cook and likes cooking and eating healthy food. But, so far, she just hasn't ever stuck with it for a long time.

 

She will start walking and do that a few times a week, or swim outside in her pool, but then stop. Normally because life "gets in the way". Its more so that her health just isn't #1 on her list - its like #10. Something she needs to get around to, and thinks she will get around to, but something "more important" always happens first.

 

The best way Ive found to help is actually to try to motivate her. Since she's open to making changes, but just has trouble sticking with it, I talk about health and fitness stuff a lot. I try to give her small changes she can make, or just try to keep it on the forefront of her mind. Plus, Ive had a few serious talks with her (like 2-3) about how I dont want to loose her. No one in our family (even the healthiest members) has lived to see 80 yet, and if she's already unhealthy and nearly 50...I just want her to be around so that whenever I do have kids (which I dont want to do soon) she can be a part of their lives. I think understanding my concern helps her to keep wanting to be healthier, she just needs the motivation and encouragement.

 

A lot of people are scared to commit to a change. There's the chance of failure, and if you really say to the world "Im going to do this" and then you don't, or can't - it really feels humiliating sometimes. People who haven't started out in fitness see it as an even bigger challenge than it is, because they've let the fear build up in themselves.  I think dispelling that fear and being supportive is the best possible solution. 

 

It depends on how open your family is. My mom is pretty open, although unhealthy, and Im slowly getting her into making changes (I hope). She actually joined NF recently and Im hoping that helps her to stick with it. My husband however is actually pretty healthy, but close minded. His high metabolism has kept him skinny enough to not worry about health and fitness. He doesn't want to "beef up" and is content to just be thin and active. That would be fine, but the food he eats is really horrible, and he's admitted to having his heart hurt inside his chest from time to time (he's only 27). That really scares me. But when I mention healthy eating or cutting back on caffeine (which, with the amount he drinks I think is the main reason behind his chest pain) his ears close. No matter how I phrase it, bring it up, or even just the proximity to me being healthy has no effect on him. He's one of those "I'll eat healthier when Im older when I need to". Like, once he has a heart attack he'll change his diet, but until then, why bother? Im not sure how to approach this at all.

 

I hope your family is more open minded, and Im sorry for this huge post! Just try to be supportive and open and positive. If your family wants to get on an exercise schedule with you (even living far apart - Im also 3000 miles from my mom) you could always call each other and go walking while being on the phone, text each other to work out at the same time, or find some other way to basically be a team (if theyre willing). Good luck!

[Noelle1220]

Parents are tough. My mother has has a laundry list  of health problems because she eats unhealthy,  she's inactive, and she smokes like a chimney. She wants change to happen without effort or sacrifice. In short she has no desire to make the change herself. She won't quit smoking and if you bring it up she'll scream and swear (I'm not kidding). She insists the way she eats is fine, and she says she's to tired to do anything, which is most likely due to the smoking and unhealthy diet. My siblings and I have tried everything under the sun for years to help her. People have to WANT to change. The truth is my mother is happy enough where she is and she doesn't care what anyone else thinks or feels about it. 

 

At least it sounds like your parents have some desire to change. The best you can do is encourage them in healthy habits. Suggest small changes like giving up one unhealthy food a week or walking after dinner. Ultimately though, THEY have to change. You can't make them eat healthy or exercise. 

[vagabondette]

what motivates your parents?  what do they love? can you create some kind of challenge for all of you to participate in that will keep you accountable to each other and keep them motivated which will give them a prize of something they love?

[MariahSnow]

 I wish I could do things with them. But I live 3,000 miles away. That was a very good suggestion though. 

 

I know everyone is giving the best advice you have, when you are telling me not to talk to them. I appreciate that, and I am thankful that you bothered! I see that you truly believe that is the best course of action, and you are trying to save me from wasted effort and frustration.

 

But please understand that I am not going to take that advice. 

 

Instead, I would really love to hear what kinds of messages might be the most effective, even if the odds are slim. I'd like to hear how you guys came to your current journey toward a fit, healthy lifestyle -- did you stumble upon something on the internet? Was it a friend or mentor? Etc. If you are older, I would especially love to hear this stuff, since both my parents are aging and adopting a fitness regimen must seem particularly intimidating to them. I mean, obviously, or pops wouldn't be buying a shake weight.

 

I'd like to hear strategies that involve a possibility of success, however remote it is. Doing nothing guarantees there will be no outcome. 

 

My parents aren't stubborn, or even picky eaters. They just have terrible habits and physical limitations, and I think they are afraid of change. Assuming for a minute that they ARE willing to help themselves if they could just have their Eureka moment, how can I help bring that moment about? 

 

1. I have essentially given up on my mother and now we operate in a relationship of tolerance. This is basically for my own mental health because of our fucked up relationship. I have to remove myself from her otherwise the cycle of abuse will never be broken. This is a huge exception and I don't suggest that you take my advice at all because you have a (seemingly) healthy open relationship with your parents. I've just tried so many times and had my efforts thrown back in my face that it's no longer healthy for me to invest that time and energy into her.

 

2. You asked about eureka moments. I've been working out for a long time (probably since 2009 seriously). I've run several half marathons, a bunch of 10ks, etc. But I never felt good about my body. I never felt healthy. I ate whatever I wanted and I struggled with eating really well for a week and then blowing it on a donut at work or something (note: I realize a donut doesn't break a diet). What FINALLY clicked for me was when I got a stress fracture from marathon training last fall. The Dr hypothesized that it was related to my hip, knee, and ankle alignment. At the clinic, they made me lie down on my back and flex my right glute. When I did, my quad fired, which means that at some point my glute was asked to do something, but it wasn't strong enough, so my quad took over. And my brain re-wired itself so that whenever my glute needs to work, my quad just does it instead. This kind of woke me up that I have some muscular body imbalances that need to be worked on. And it made sense because I never feel squats in my butt and I should. Once I got the clear, I started weight training (this was January). I had been stalking around NF for a while, reading and re-reading Staci's story. I felt like she was like me, do all the cardio! and it didn't change a thing. But then when she started picking up weights, she got the body she wanted. Honestly, knowing my history, I would have given up by now on most exercise (and diet!) programs, but I haven't because I keep seeing small changes. Actually, I was really doubting myself until one night, and I was undressing in the mirror and I noticed a little tricep poking out. When I'm in the shower, I can see my biceps (especially right after I've done an upper body workout!). I noticed last night that my shoulders were looking more toned and defined. Now that donut just isn't worth it to me and I'd much rather eat food that fuels my body.

 

I guess the moral of the story is - the biggest motivator is results. If you could get your parents to make a small change like, giving up soda (or cutting back) for a month and then asking them to weigh themselves before and after, they would probably see some results. Treat them and their goals like you would a NF challenge. Pick something small, something measurable, and something that's easy. I mean easy like, "as long as you do A and B, you will succeed". Maybe a good goal would be - fried food once a week. Note - most southern food is only bad because it's fried. If you could replace a typical southern meal like fried chicken, collard greens, biscuits with baked chicken, collard greens, and a whole wheat roll, that would be huge. I love me some collard greens, yum!

 

Another good idea would be to expose them to a lot. They say, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". But what if you exposed a horse to 30 different types of water, maybe it would find one that it likes and drink!

[Maris Stella]

Sorry, Anduril! I'm just being honest. And saving others wasted effort and frustration

 

 

These are all great suggestions that I hadn't thought of. 

 

Katariana, it sounds like we're in pretty similar situations, and I think you nailed it with the fear and feeling of embarrassment. My mom really sees herself as old and feeble, which prevents her from making a serious effort, because she's afraid to fail. And my dad sees himself as young and spry, which always bites him in the ass when he jumps into the deep end and takes on too much at once.

 

Noelle, I'm sorry to hear about your mom and I hope she has a change of heart. Your suggestions about positive reinforcement and encouraging small changes are duly noted!

 

 

 

what motivates your parents?  what do they love? can you create some kind of challenge for all of you to participate in that will keep you accountable to each other and keep them motivated which will give them a prize of something they love?

 

Man. My parents are so different from each other. My mom is motivated by feeling needed and validated, honestly, and my dad is motivated by success and learning stuff. My mom loves artistic and creative things, helping others, and the internet (lol). My dad loves cooking and...well, everything else. They are definitely not the numb and indifferent sort of people. If anything they have too many interests.

 

I'll have to think about this more because I think it could be an awesome strategy, but I'll have to figure out a way to make it small and scale-able. 

 

 

MariahSnow, I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom. It sounds a lot like my mom's relationship with her dad (before he passed). For what it's worth, I think you've made the right call. My mom never cut her dad out of her life, and he absolutely tormented her until his last days. She hung on hoping for closure, and never got it.

 

 

I guess the moral of the story is - the biggest motivator is results. If you could get your parents to make a small change like, giving up soda (or cutting back) for a month and then asking them to weigh themselves before and after, they would probably see some results. Treat them and their goals like you would a NF challenge. Pick something small, something measurable, and something that's easy. I mean easy like, "as long as you do A and B, you will succeed". Maybe a good goal would be - fried food once a week. Note - most southern food is only bad because it's fried. If you could replace a typical southern meal like fried chicken, collard greens, biscuits with baked chicken, collard greens, and a whole wheat roll, that would be huge. I love me some collard greens, yum!

 

Another good idea would be to expose them to a lot. They say, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". But what if you exposed a horse to 30 different types of water, maybe it would find one that it likes and drink!

 

THIS is great. What a great idea. And your horse analogy is exactly what I'm trying to do -- I know I can't force them to drink the water, but I'll be damned if I don't show them every refreshing pool and stream around, and talk up the virtues of a nice long sip.

 

And promise they won't fall in. And assure them that it isn't poison. Lol.

 

Hmm, I've got a lot to think about. Small changes, combined into a larger challenge that exploits their interests...food suggestions...FRANKLY my dad's love of cooking is the real problem, not southern food. They don't eat out much at all, and don't fry much either, but everything my dad likes to make is complex and decadent and full of carbs, ha! And cheese. And sugar. They make and devour so many baked goods. 

 

The soda suggestion might be the best start. I'll suggest that they just stop buying soda. 

[vagabondette]

With your mom loving helping others, maybe there is some kind of volunteerism that will get her moving more?  Dog walking at a pet shelter, volunteering at a boys and girls club, etc.?  As motivation, perhaps have her touch her artistic side and do a dream collage of what she'd like to achieve health-wise then hang it somewhere she will see it every day?

 

For your dad the cook, perhaps challenge him to makeover his favorite meal in a healthy way.  For example, my mom is completely unhealthy.  The last time I was visiting her, I took over the cooking for a few days and did a makeover on some of her favorite things.  Rather than pan-fried breaded pork chops, we had herb-crusted baked ones.  Instead of mashed potatoes, we had mashed cauliflower.  Instead of boiled brussel sprouts drowning in butter I sauteed them with balsamic.  She loved all the new versions (though still isn't ready to give up mashed spuds) and they were much healthier.

 

For the baked goods, start using wheat instead of white flower and adding healthy stuff to boost nutritional value.  For baked sweets, subbing apple sauce for oil, etc.  Wheat pasta instead of white or even spaghetti squash instead of actual spaghetti.  Fat free greek yogurt vs sour cream, etc.

 

Small subs that make things healthier but don't necessarily make things taste worse.

 

Are they the types who would wear pedometers?  That's an easy way to do small challenges and get them focused on how much they're moving.

[Katariana]

Yeah, if you look at diabetic cookbooks (kinda weird maybe) there's a lot of recipes that focus on no carbs, since if you're diabetic you have to be very careful about them. It can really get your brain going on recipes that don't require carbs or sugar - and a lot of substitutes that are really healthy. There's even a brownie recipe that tastes about a zillion times better than regular brownies but is sugar free. 

 

I really think some kind of challenge (with a possible reward) would really work - I mean it works for all of us on here!

 

Maybe you could get your mom and dad to compete against each other (even if they had different goals). Having that competition in their own household (since you're so far away) might keep them motivated.  

 

Even with soda, if they choose to cut it out, maybe if the one person drinks one then the other person gets something (like control of the tv for the night, or get to pick the next movie they see out, or something your parents are interested in)

 

Its not always possible, but one thing that always gets my dad motivated is planning a trip. Like, if the three of you were going to meet up somewhere and do something, and it would require activity, they might have to get in better shape for it, so it'd keep them motivated. For my dad, he knows if he travels to another country (which he has done a few times) that he will have to walk everywhere, and he's going to want to be able to keep going to see more stuff - so he spends the whole year leading up to the trip walking a ton. But even closer/cheaper trips could require being in better health. 

[Waldo]

I went through this with my wife a bit, seem to be coming out the other end.

 

In my experience trying to force changes just doesn't work.  You cannot provide motivation that doesn't exist.

 

Walk the walk yourself.  Don't have an overly inflated view of yourself either.  Remember you are probably not the one shining beacon of fitness and success that whatever person knows/sees, even if you think you are. 

 

Trying to force a One True Pathâ„¢ on someone is going to backfire.  This goes back to my previous point.  Anything you say/do is going to be crosschecked against other people.  Something that you may find extremely important, and press, will get checked against others, if others don't do it, you sound like an idiot and your credibility is shot, even if your point is legit.  Some examples:

 

- Heavy lifting.  All fit people, especially women, don't lift heavy.  Whereas guys don't take much to convince, with females that isn't the case at all.  With some it can be like turning a light switch with a few words.  With others slowly building interest over time is a better approach, including slowly informing/correcting misconceptions.  I have strong headwinds here that I'm pushing against with my wife.  But I seem to have built up some interest in what Crossfit girls do (helps that there are eleventy billion crossfit boxes near us, they are growing like weeds, it is obvious there is a lot of success), and I also have managed to tap into the fact that most girls want to be able to do a pullup (and don't really see it as heavy lifting that will hulk them out).

 

- Minimal/Barefoot running.  The benefits of it are obvious, and it is easy to rationally explain.  However it is still a small subset of runners (though it does help that a lot of really good runners do it).  My wife recently bought some minimal running shoes, partially for running, partially for aerobics.  Turning her from hardcore heel striking has been hard.  Doesn't help that all of her sisters (one of her support groups) run a little and all heel strike and are skeptical of barefoot/minimal running.  But I can outrun any of them, and she knows it, and my brother can outrun me by a longshot, and she knows it, and we both use minimal shoes and forefoot strike.

 

- Diet.  People are naturally skeptical of new "diets" and should be.  Likewise they are naurally skeptical of alternate definitions of what is and isn't healthy, and should be.  Trying to push a particular diet on someone is a waste of time.  Getting preachy about somewhat fringe ideas will put your credibility in the gutter.  Better than pushing toward a diet is to push someone toward eating more of what they think is healthy, and simply being a sounding board for ideas, only communicating about it in a constructive manner.  If someone wants your help or input, they will ask for it.  Though you can explain your choices as well in a non-preachy manner (for example me explaining that a 6" Subway sub with double meat/cheese has just as much protein and is just as filling as a footlong, but has fewer calories and is cheaper).  It is better to let people figure out eating on their own, just push gently toward making them want tot figure out their eating (telling them to find a healthy new recipe to make, helping if needed, is a good way to approach this).

 

Overall in general, be Yoda.  Yoda isn't going to preach, isn't going to force things.  Yoda gives helpful advice and explains things when asked.  Yoda illuminates the path with simple words of wisdom.  Yoda is a master of walking the walk and will teach you to do the same if you want to learn.  Anyone who spends time around Yoda will be positively influenced by him.

[I-Jo]

^^^ excellent post BTW

 

 

I wish I could do things with them. But I live 3,000 miles away. That was a very good suggestion though. 

 

I know everyone is giving the best advice you have, when you are telling me not to talk to them. I appreciate that, and I am thankful that you bothered! I see that you truly believe that is the best course of action, and you are trying to save me from wasted effort and frustration.

 

But please understand that I am not going to take that advice. 

 

 

 

My parents aren't stubborn, or even picky eaters. They just have terrible habits and physical limitations, and I think they are afraid of change. Assuming for a minute that they ARE willing to help themselves if they could just have their Eureka moment, how can I help bring that moment about? 

 

 

Well- you kind of already have your mind made up but just in case you didn't get the memo yet:

 

continuing to talk to them and essentially nag them- won't help. 

 

And you say they aren't stubborn- but the reality is THEY ARE-they are stubborn- and lazy.   you have presumably already spoken with them about some of this stuff (which is why you are now asking advice from a message board).  Admit that to yourself- I know they are your parents and you don't want to think ill of them- but that's the reality.  (Great roommmate- Love my brother- love my boyfriend- all lazy lazy lazy)

 

The reality is you can talk till you are blue in the face.   But until they DECIDE they need to change things- nothing will happen. All you will succeed in doing is pissing them off- and getting YOU upset.  

 

My BF used to be in amazing shape- lost his job, quit Muy Thai classes b/c of $$ issues- and now is something like 15-20 lbs over weight.  He was that way when I met him- so I can only complain so much but it bothers me- I work really hard for my body and he appreciates it- I would appreciate it if he was back in shape- plus he wants to do stuff and he's really not in shape at all.  He refuses to come with me to the gym when he's visiting- he refuses to do almost anything.  But I've talked to him a few times- and we even got into a big fight over it because he thought I was nagging him.   He has finally decided to do something just because they are doing a weight loss thing at his work.  (ugh facepalm) but I'm glad he has some motivation to do SOMETHING (and I asked him if he wanted to take part in the 100 day burpee challenge).  he said he's doing it.... great- he still refuses to work out with me though.

Fine it is what it is.  I'm happy he has an idea to do SOMETHING.  But I can't talk to him about working out- I can only check up and see how he is doing- otherwise it just is a mess. He doesn't appreciate it- no matter how well intentioned I am. 

 

Most people are like that.  Ultimately- it has to be THEIR idea. 

 

You can provide the tools and then let them think it was their idea. That's the only way it will work.  So email them a few articles and let it go. Then ask them two or three weeks later if they read the articles and ask them what they thought. 

 

 

good luck- dealing with parents can be rough. 

[UberTumbleweed]

I really feel for you.  I've been there with my mom, who was at nearly 400 pounds and rapidly losing her ability to walk and drive due to health problems.

 

But she wasn't ready to change, and so she didn't.  Ironically, she was even our family's "health police", constantly telling my dad what he could and couldn't eat with his diabetes and how much he needed to exercise.  My dad ignored her and kept doing what he was doing; and in turn, she ignored me and kept doing what she was doing.

 

Until one day, she changed.  She came home and said she was going to lose weight.  In a year, she lost 107 pounds and made huge gains in mobility and stamina.  Her mood suddenly changed: the more she exercised, the less depressed and nasty she was.

 

I can't tell you what changed for my mom, but I can promise you that it wasn't anything I did.  Because everything I did just made her more resistant.  She read all my concern as attacks, and she responded to my "attacks" by hunkering down in her foxhole -- which makes perfect sense.  Almost all people respond to health concerns as attacks.  Hiding "in safety" is a reasonable and very human response to a perceived attack.

 

I think your least attack-like approach would be to gently encourage movement and exercise.  Maybe you could each sign up for a charity walk in your local areas, and be internet-training buddies for it.  Talk about your fundraising efforts for the walk in the same way you talk about the training for it.  You're still doing it together, even if you're not in the same place.  Maybe your dad would participate too.

 

If she's ready for change, that can be the spark that gets her going.  If she's not ready for change, it won't work.  And if you don't back off when they show you they're not ready, you'll just make the situation worse for everyone.

 

And yes, I know: that fact sucks ass.  But it is what it is.

[Maris Stella]

My first instinct with this reply was to try and reiterate why I said what I said about doing nothing. It was turning out really combative and I think would have contributed to the already contentious atmosphere of this thread (which was really, really not my goal...I just wanted some positive strategies). So I will say only this, for clarification:

 

I haven't talked to them about this yet. I am not nagging them. My philosophy has always been to do my own thing and let other people do theirs. I am attempting to change this, because in the past it has meant that I never asked for help or advice, and was reluctant to "tough love" anyone even when they needed it. That, in my experience, has not been the best way to do things. People do need each other -- we are not islands, and we are more likely to succeed when we have positive influences around us. I am asking for advice about this on a message board for the same reason that I look to it for guidance about fitness -- I am in foreign territory and want to learn from other people's successes and mistakes. 

 

I assure you, I am living in reality. So, please, try to treat this subject without venom and sarcasm. 

 

 

@Katariana, are you thinking of a specific book? Actually, sending them a cook book might be really effective, because my dad loves cooking. Or maybe I could sneak recipes into emails, so that he wouldn't be turned off by the "diabetic" label. 

 

@Waldo, really great suggestions. One problem for me is that I really haven't gone through what they are going through -- while I am for sure getting strong for the first time in my life, I was never overweight, and have always been reasonably healthy. So, while I think I can still "walk the walk" (and must, so I don't become a hypocrite), I definitely can never use myself as an example or case study, because they would write that off immediately. After all, I don't have bad knees and fused neck vertebrae, etc etc. Which are legitimate concerns! Telling my mom to take up a challenging yoga practice because it's working for me would be ridiculous. (But I did send my mom Staci's story when she asked me about NF). 

 

So, to your point, I think if I suggest things they need to be pretty indisputable, and small. Like the soda suggestion...which I can't frame as "soda is bad for you" because obviously they know that, but more like "why don't you try not buying it for a few weeks. Finish what you have, and see if you stop wanting it when it isn't in the house any more." Any suggestion has to be solution-oriented.

 

You said you seem to be coming out the other side with your wife -- is she happy with the changes? I'm sure a "You were right!" is pretty unlikely, but does she seem to be sticking with changes that she's made, or trying out things that she has learned from you?

 

@Ubertumbleweed, so happy to hear about your mom's success! That is awesome. And yes, I totally hear you about not pushing if they aren't ready. That is why I haven't tried to suggest anything yet -- the only times we discuss anything fitness or diet related have been when they bring it up, or ask a question about what I am doing. I think it's time to do something because they seem to be trying to make changes, but are getting swept up in this gimmicky stuff. My dad actually told me he bought an exercise ball this morning, to use as his office chair. So, some of it seems like it might be ok. But this is the same week as the shake weight purchase. There is SO MUCH conflicting information out there. 

 

I love the idea of the charity walk. I will try to find one that is for a cause they already care about. 

[UberTumbleweed]

I really think the soda suggestion is a bad approach to take.  Generally, taking away comes across as more combative than suggesting an addition.  I do think sending recipes to your dad who loves to cook is a great idea.  Does he have a special occasion coming up?  Maybe you can buy him some fancy-and-healthy cooking classes as a gift.

 

If additions are going well and your suggestions are still sought after, then start suggesting subtractions.  Obviously, you know your parents best out of us, but I've seen both my parents react to well-meaning suggestions that they stop something -- and it was never pretty, ESPECIALLY when they knew the suggestion was the right thing.

 

I'd also avoid saying negative things about gimmicks like the shake-weight, because that can come across like you're disparaging his efforts.  Try more along the lines of "Now that you've worked up some endurance into your muscle, you're ready to crush some dumbbell work! How cool!"

 

Your earlier posts definitely made you sound like you were going to DO SOMETHING no matter whether or not they were ready, which is basically death to effectively helping someone make changes.  Your later posts make it sound more like you're being receptive to their level of readiness.

 

Just please remember to back off if and let it die for a while if you start getting responses from the parents that aren't enthusiastic.  After your initial efforts, you may have to do nothing for a year or so before making another effort.  It's better to wait that year than drive a possibly-permanent wedge between them and fitness.

 

I speak as someone who was very unfit, unhealthy, and sickly-fat who got better through hard work, and also as someone who watched a loved one struggle unready for many years before she was ready to accept my help.

[Maris Stella]

Your earlier posts definitely made you sound like you were going to DO SOMETHING no matter whether or not they were ready, which is basically death to effectively helping someone make changes.  Your later posts make it sound more like you're being receptive to their level of readiness.

 

I am sorry to hear that is how I came across. I didn't think the initial advice to do nothing had to do with readiness, but rather with the impossibility of accomplishing anything by talking to someone -- the "nobody does anything unless it is their idea" premise. That was where I disagreed.

 

 

I really think the soda suggestion is a bad approach to take.  Generally, taking away comes across as more combative than suggesting an addition.  I do think sending recipes to your dad who loves to cook is a great idea.  Does he have a special occasion coming up?  Maybe you can buy him some fancy-and-healthy cooking classes as a gift.

 

If additions are going well and your suggestions are still sought after, then start suggesting subtractions.  Obviously, you know your parents best out of us, but I've seen both my parents react to well-meaning suggestions that they stop something -- and it was never pretty, ESPECIALLY when they knew the suggestion was the right thing.

 

 

 

Hmm. Good point. Maybe I should just say away from anything resembling negative reinforcement altogether. 

 

No special occasions (or at least, not immediately) but I'm not sure he'd need one. The man will whip up a four course meal on a whim. I think he'd appreciate the cooking classes whether or not there was something special to cook for! I will definitely do some research!

 

I'd also avoid saying negative things about gimmicks like the shake-weight, because that can come across like you're disparaging his efforts.  Try more along the lines of "Now that you've worked up some endurance into your muscle, you're ready to crush some dumbbell work! How cool!"

 

Yeeeeah I didn't say anything. Hahaha. Fortunately he mentioned it in passing so I didn't have time to crack up. But I did express enthusiastic agreement about the exercise ball.

 

How did you know when your loved one was ready to accept your help? What form did that take? Is that ongoing?

[Katariana]

I didn't have a specific recipe book in mind (sadly Im a terrible cook) but my stepdad is diabetic and I know when I go over to their house to eat, the "sugar free" meals and "carb free" meals still taste amazing. I know they just ordered a selection of books off of amazon (which is expensive and not what Id recommend). I would say - look up some diabetic recipes online for free, and then email them to him. If you'd like you could try to cook it ahead of time to see if it was a good recipe or not (but that would be a lot of extra work). I just know people who aren't ready to give up a lot of staples altogether (pancakes, brownies, other treats) can sometimes switch to diabetic versions of these and they taste pretty darn good. Ive even recently been making a strawberry "milkshake" thats primary ingredients are tofu and protein powder, and it tastes better than Ben&Jerrys. (Literally I had Ben&Jerrys on Saturday and this on Sunday so it was easy to compare). 

 

The way I knew my mom was ready (just my 2 cents) was that she just up and told me. I had been talking to her about fitness off and on (but in terms of myself - like "Im doing this and I feel great" "Im eating better and it tastes so good") and then she just told me she was going to do it too. Its been 2 weeks so I dont know if she will stick with it or not - but Im hoping now that she's starting some positive encouragement from me will keep her going.

[UberTumbleweed]

How did you know when your loved one was ready to accept your help? What form did that take? Is that ongoing?

 

I knew she was ready to lose weight when she told me she was going to take it seriously because she couldn't NOT take it seriously anymore.  And when she was still sticking to it a few weeks later, I knew it for sure.  So I did things like start cooking for her and add her onto my gym membership, which you can't really do with distance and all.

 

She'd seemed ready before several times, but it was always an attraction to a "quick fix" that didn't last because she wasn't actually truly ready to make the change.  So my advice and articles all fell on deaf/resistant ears, even when she asked me questions.

 

If your parents aren't actually ready, there really isn't anything you can do but wait with open arms and mind for when they are.  They might give you false starts!  It's up to you to determine how to handle the false starts and how long to stick with it.  Honestly, just being there when they need you and making sure they know you'll be non-judgmental is probably the best thing.  (It's also generally the best thing with addicts, too, as painful as it is.)