Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[Br0din]

Ah! A fellow antisocialist!

The one thing about my phone that I don't like - I love the apps, the internet access and so on - is that sometimes people call it. Not often. I think I've trained most of the people in my life out of that. Guys, just email  text me. I love email  texts.

 

fify!   

[WillToPower]

My advice: Stop calling and inviting and see what happens? You may lose them, but were they worth it if you have to force the issue? nope. 

 

Unfortunately, I've done that too many times before, and I know that the results would essentially remain the same if I were to do so again.

The problem is that I'm invested in the bigger social group - currently my city's geek scene - and am not planning on giving up on that. I'm on very good terms, or at least I like to think that I'm on good terms with various members of said scene. Unfortunately, they don't seem to give me the time of day whenever I'm not in their immediate proximity, even when they are very friendly to me and even mention that they like me and what me around when I get openly insecure.

 

Unlike several of the fine folks here, I'm not asocial. [Tangent - I choose to use "asocial" over "antisocial", because I am a psychology major and the term "antisocial" refers to something completely different from a lack of desire for social interaction.] I need to interact with people. I need emotional and physical intimacy (I am extremely tactile and I love to hug/cuddle; I am somewhat infamous among my social circle for it, but I won't complain - it gets me hugs). I need to belong. Sure, there are times where I need to be away from people and specific social situations that I avoid like the plague, but I enjoy being around other people. I just need to recharge my batteries every now and then.

 

That's my dilemma: I want to be around other people, but other people don't seek me out.

Should I just tell some of the friends that I have who understand my social insecurities that I'd like to not initiate once in a while and hope for the best?

[Elastigirl]

Unfortunately, I've done that too many times before, and I know that the results would essentially remain the same if I were to do so again.

The problem is that I'm invested in the bigger social group - currently my city's geek scene - and am not planning on giving up on that. I'm on very good terms, or at least I like to think that I'm on good terms with various members of said scene. Unfortunately, they don't seem to give me the time of day whenever I'm not in their immediate proximity, even when they are very friendly to me and even mention that they like me and what me around when I get openly insecure.

 

Unlike several of the fine folks here, I'm not asocial. [Tangent - I choose to use "asocial" over "antisocial", because I am a psychology major and the term "antisocial" refers to something completely different from a lack of desire for social interaction.] I need to interact with people. I need emotional and physical intimacy (I am extremely tactile and I love to hug/cuddle; I am somewhat infamous among my social circle for it, but I won't complain - it gets me hugs). I need to belong. Sure, there are times where I need to be away from people and specific social situations that I avoid like the plague, but I enjoy being around other people. I just need to recharge my batteries every now and then.

 

That's my dilemma: I want to be around other people, but other people don't seek me out.

Should I just tell some of the friends that I have who understand my social insecurities that I'd like to not initiate once in a while and hope for the best?

I like this plan. I am one of the friends who doesn't initiate. I am trying to get better at it, but it is something I work at, and I have had a friend say it was my turn to initiate. Sometimes we just take the easy way out, knowing that other person will initiate it, and it takes energy for an introvert to reach out, so it is easier to just wait for the friend to call. Hopefully at least some of your friends will pick up the ball.

[Artinum]

fify!   

 

Nooo! Text messages are a nuisance! Emails will happily sit there and wait for days if necessary!

[Rurik Harrgath]

...

Unlike several of the fine folks here, I'm not asocial. [Tangent - I choose to use "asocial" over "antisocial", because I am a psychology major and the term "antisocial" refers to something completely different from a lack of desire for social interaction.] I need to interact with people. I need emotional and physical intimacy (I am extremely tactile and I love to hug/cuddle; I am somewhat infamous among my social circle for it, but I won't complain - it gets me hugs). I need to belong. Sure, there are times where I need to be away from people and specific social situations that I avoid like the plague, but I enjoy being around other people. I just need to recharge my batteries every now and then.

 

That's my dilemma: I want to be around other people, but other people don't seek me out.

Should I just tell some of the friends that I have who understand my social insecurities that I'd like to not initiate once in a while and hope for the best?

 

From another Psychology major, you're too right on the "asocial" vis-a-vis "antisocial" point but I generally defer to the cultural norm and accept "antisocial" at face value.  But in the case of myself, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet... or in this case, an asocial introvert by any other name would still spur social contact whenever possible!  Unfortunately that isn't to be today as I've got quite the busy social calendar planned for this weekend.  I've got a big team workout at the gym to support my coach going to Crossfit Regionals, and then a Sud Spud steak dinner fundraiser for the same, and finally a pre-wedding social for a co-worker.  Mother's Day BBQ tomorrow... which, other than the workout, is the only part of the weekend that I'm actually looking forward to.  I really enjoy my mother's company.

 

Sorry, back on topic.  I think attempting to explain your feelings on the matter is really your best plan of attack here.  Maybe you'll crack the surface of understanding and your associates will begin to see you both sides of your social interactions.  I can't even begin to imagine how I would initiate such a conversation though.

 

Nooo! Text messages are a nuisance! Emails will happily sit there and wait for days if necessary!

 

When I read your first post about eschewing phone calls for emails, my immediate thought was, "But what about texts?"  But now that I've seen your counterargument, I think you have a very valid point.  I love the idea of ignoring messages for as long as I want to until I feel like answer.  Or in this case, socializing. 

 

I wish people would wait around like emails...

[TMedina]

ooooh please share!

 

The book is "The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for teens: CBT and ACT Skills to help you build social confidence (instant help book for teens)" by Jennifer Shannon.

I picked it up for a couple of reasons:

 

1) it was an ebook from the library and easy to put hands on (download)

2) written for teens, the material approach was simplified and streamlined

3) ACT is based on, or heavily-influenced by the idea of mindfulness and personal awareness, which I've been reading about before

 

I found the book to be pretty helpful overall - it identified a number of the false stories we tell ourselves, the "worst case scenarios" we tend to jump to, and identified the sequence of events flowing from a trigger event and how to assess and respond to the chain.  In a nutshell: event creates thought which creates emotion/physiological response which creates reaction.

 

So then evaluate the thought that follows the event, consider the physiological response to the thought, and then the reaction (which, for us, tends to be avoidance - although it could be self-deprecating humor, or any of a number of defense mechanisms we invoke.)

 

A related book to explore the idea of ACT is "The Happiness Trap" - the author has a couple of these books; "The Illustrated Happiness Trap: How to stop struggling and start living" by Russ Harris.  

 

To be clear, the book for teens isn't a pick-up manual, nor does it offer tips, tricks, and strategies for *how* to talk to people, or reading body language, or making small talk.  It's focused purely on the reader's, well, social anxiety and how to stop reacting to it by avoiding social situations.  That said, I see how the ACT concept manifests to other areas of self-evaluation and contemplation.

[Bekah]

Nooo! Text messages are a nuisance! Emails will happily sit there and wait for days if necessary!

Meh I avoid texts entirely, people just dont text anymore

[Bekah]

TMedina: Thank you

[Machete]

That's my dilemma: I want to be around other people, but other people don't seek me out.

Should I just tell some of the friends that I have who understand my social insecurities that I'd like to not initiate once in a while and hope for the best?

 

I have a dog. He loves to cuddle. When he gets too needy though, I put him in his cage, because he's also lazy. It's been working so far, but I think I'll eventually have to transition to people sometime soon.

 

Has anyone here every tried Toastmasters? I found a club near where I live that meets once a week, and I'm thinking of dragging myself into one.

[Zorch]

I honestly can't relate to the "no one calls me" phenomenon.  Well, I can, because few people do, but I kind of like it that way.  I usually treat new social events on my calendar with annoyance and consternation, at least ones I didn't plan or anticipate myself.  So when a friend or family member calls me out of the blue and wants to do something, all I can think is, "But I was going to vegetate on the couch and read today!  Dammit."

 

That's just how I roll though.  I'm far more at ease doing my own thing and keeping to myself.

 

As a strongly-introverted person, I don't always dislike socializing with people, but I very much need my "me" time, and it takes me a bit of energy to get "up" for social interaction.  The last part is key, as I have a pretty limited tolerance for social things being sprung on me at the last minute.

 

The thing that REALLY bugs me is people at work asking me at 4PM the same day if we want to go and get drinks after work(or similar last-minute requests), then acting disappointed when I've already planned on doing other things.  In addition to work, I'm a part-time graduate student, and I spend a fair amount of time in the gym.  I'm more than happy to spend time with folks, if I have a little advance notice so I can make room in my schedule.

 

This is why the things I generally do with groups(Tuesday night track, and sometimes Wednesday night trivia) are things that are regularly scheduled, and that people have told me of in advance, thus allowing me to carve out time for them. I'm generally happy to be social(within reasonable time constraints) if I have time to make space in my schedule to accommodate it, but dropping my "me" time on a moment's notice is just something I don't do(and which greatly irritates me when others act as if it's expected).

[WillToPower]

This is why the things I generally do with groups(Tuesday night track, and sometimes Wednesday night trivia) are things that are regularly scheduled, and that people have told me of in advance, thus allowing me to carve out time for them. I'm generally happy to be social(within reasonable time constraints) if I have time to make space in my schedule to accommodate it, but dropping my "me" time on a moment's notice is just something I don't do(and which greatly irritates me when others act as if it's expected).

 

I completely agree with you about what you posted, especially the part that I quoted. I hate last-minute things.

 

Most of my regular social interaction is of this nature: group events that either regularly scheduled or scheduled well in advance. It's a good way to get social interaction in and know that, if not everyone one would like to see, that you can guarantee that you'll see at least a few regulars. Unfortunately, I'm not so lucky in the one-on-one side of things, but I'm working on that.

 

"Me-time" is important, especially as introverts. I like to have some "me-time", but some days I think that I have to much time on my hands and it stops being "me-time" and starts becoming boredom, which drains me. Again, something I need to work on.

[Silo]

I like things that are planned ahead but I also don't like being tied down to recurring meetups. For example, I dropped out of book club because I didn't like being obligated to go the second Tuesday of every month. Well, I also didn't like the restaurant that we met up at every single time but I tried to tell myself to go for the camaraderie and I just wasn't convincing enough.

 

Has anyone here every tried Toastmasters? I found a club near where I live that meets once a week, and I'm thinking of dragging myself into one.

 

I have been considering Toastmasters off and on for about 15 years. I don't know anybody who is a member but have heard good things about it.

[ZalatwicZach]

Hello, fellow introverts! I'm a Panda!

 

Hello Panda! I'm a Seal (INFP). It took me a while to figure out that you were referring to Myers Briggs. 

 

 

---

 

Has anyone here every tried Toastmasters? I found a club near where I live that meets once a week, and I'm thinking of dragging myself into one.

 

Toastmasters has been suggested to me by numerous people. It's apparently a great way to build your confidence in social situations. I'd love to go, but the closest one to me is more than an hour away.

[Bekah]

Hello Panda! I'm a Seal (INFP). It took me a while to figure out that you were referring to Myers Briggs. 

 

 

---

 

 

Toastmasters has been suggested to me by numerous people. It's apparently a great way to build your confidence in social situations. I'd love to go, but the closest one to me is more than an hour away.

hah I didnt get it at all! lol

I'm a Tiger, nice to "eat" you all

[Basement Cat]

hah I didnt get it at all! lol

I'm a Tiger, nice to "eat" you all

I'm an INFJ. I'm super rare! (or so the stats say...)

 

[Phytomancer]

A cute artsy girl was crying on the sidewalk, so I stopped my bike and asked if I could be a help. She asked for a tissue, and I produced her one. As she started to thank me-- and just about to tell me what was wrong-- my automated system said goodbye and I biked away...

...And this, boys and girls, is why I am single...

[Machete]

I'm single because I would have stepped on her foot, poked her eye, and elbowed her breast. Probably all in one motion. All without producing a tissue.

[Yraen]

I'm single because I want to be. Also because I have no clue how to ask a girl out or what to do on a date.

[Phytomancer]

I'm single because I want to be. Also because I have no clue how to ask a girl out or what to do on a date.

 

I also want to be single. The thing above is just a demonstration of how non-human I am about these things.

 

As for what to do on dates, do what you like. If she doesn't like the think you enjoy, like, nothing at all, you two shouldn't date.

My previous dates included:

 

Coffee and working together

Ice Skating double date,

Native American Story telling,

Food and Movie (The money-burning standard,)

a Bike ride through town into a park, Then hide and seek in the prairie grass

Crashing a Persian dance party

Just cuddle over a rental movie

Food, then public serenade to her in the song I know no meaning of.

Homemade food picnic at her office

 

See how good I am at pretending normalcy? That's why it's kind of sad when my true self appears in public

 

 

I'm single because I would have stepped on her foot, poked her eye, and elbowed her breast. Probably all in one motion. All without producing a tissue.

That, er, is an impressive martial art move that would certainly stop her from crying.

[Yraen]

I'm really not the dinner and a movie type or the cuddle type. One of the reasons I don't date is because I know at some point hugging and kissing and stuff like that is expected and I'm very uncomfortable with stuff like that. Or any form of physical contact really.

[Phytomancer]

I'm really not the dinner and a movie type or the cuddle type. One of the reasons I don't date is because I know at some point hugging and kissing and stuff like that is expected and I'm very uncomfortable with stuff like that. Or any form of physical contact really.

 

Grew up from an extremely conservative family from a very conservative culture, I hear you. Do you know that in my hometown, the ancient custom is that if I touched a girl, I gotta marry her-- no turn back policy?

 

I feel like you can do whatever you feel is right. The world is so big there would be some girls out there who hate these stuffs as much as you do, and still want to date you.

[Rurik Harrgath]

I have been in and out of relationships fairly consistently for the last fifteen years (give or take a turn of the moon), and there's one precious fact I've learned about myself as it pertains to others...

 

I'm very hard to live with.  Somewhat in the same boat as Yraen, I'm not terribly keen on the displays of affection, physical or otherwise, and my grim countenance combined with my requirement for excessive amounts of alone time tends to be off-putting in the extreme.  I enjoy dating well enough, as much for the sociological aspect of the dating game as much as meeting potential new mates (although I don't subscribe to the idea of soul mates), and having a reliable 'friend with benefits' is excellent for attending any social events or activities I might wish to pursue, but dating and being in a relationship is a lot of bloody work.  I'm usually only patient enough for so much of the same person before I lock up tighter than a Cold War-era Soviet submarine and it's only a matter of time until my paramour notices and either hits the road or punts me to the curb, neither of which I find terribly daunting.

 

Now that I've put that out there it seems downright negative and just as off-putting as I suspected it would.

 

Though some of the articles can be downright misogynistic at times (largely due to the predominantly male reader base), I do enjoy perusing Paging Dr. Nerdlove from time to time.  Many of their pieces can be broken down to give insight toward the world at large from a nerdy and introverted perspective.  You need not be solely focused on love and dating to gain an appreciation from some of the articles available there.

[TMedina]

A cute artsy girl was crying on the sidewalk, so I stopped my bike and asked if I could be a help. She asked for a tissue, and I produced her one. As she started to thank me-- and just about to tell me what was wrong-- my automated system said goodbye and I biked away...

...And this, boys and girls, is why I am single...

Or this is why you're still alive. Romantic comedies and horror films often have similar beginnings.

(That thinking might explain why I'm single. )

[Silo]

A cute artsy girl was crying on the sidewalk, so I stopped my bike and asked if I could be a help. She asked for a tissue, and I produced her one. As she started to thank me-- and just about to tell me what was wrong-- my automated system said goodbye and I biked away...

...And this, boys and girls, is why I am single...

The part that sticks out to me is that you were kind enough to stop and check on her in the first place. My internal alarm would have been going WOOP! WOOP! WOOP! CRYING PERSON AHEAD! WOOP! WOOP! WOOP! CHANGE COURSE! CHANGE COURSE!

[Zorch]

I'm really not the dinner and a movie type or the cuddle type. One of the reasons I don't date is because I know at some point hugging and kissing and stuff like that is expected and I'm very uncomfortable with stuff like that. Or any form of physical contact really.

 

Is it that you are not interested in physical affection, or that you want it/are interested in it, but are uncomfortable with it?  Truthfully, it took me a long time to develop a comfort zone with any kind of physical affection, even with family members.  It wasn't until my late 20's until I really began to develop some level of comfort around giving and receiving physical affection.  If it's a question of comfort and not a question of interest, I'd suggest going slowly and gradually going with "safe" interactions in situations where you are less likely to be overwhelmed until you have a greater comfort level.