Challenge YOUR body image.

[Br0din]

I love it when a bunch of men show up to explain our sexuality to us.

 

we aren't explaining it to you, we are explaining it to us.  There is a Language barrier that prevents lots of men from getting to the promised land.  

[Br0din]

double post

[Reyna]

"Husband performs bare minimum responsibilities without asking for a cookie" = "Wooing".

 

I am clearly out of touch. And old. 

 

*shrug* works for me. I can get my own flowers and candy.

 

How is "wooing" defined for you?

[SevenofSeven]

LOL.

Wooing fo me:

Partner: how 'bout it baby?

Me: alrighty!

Partner: cool

Both snoring within seconds of this exchange, we're old and tired!

[kaelvan]

Correct

 

They've all moved on [and back to New York]

 

Crap, just what our state needs the IQ dropping lower

 

[Bekah]

As I interpreted Waldo's post, "The hunt" is not harassing your woman for sex, it is wooing her, pursuing her, making her want it.

I saw it this way as well, and agree that many women do need a bit of time to prepare mentally for sex, but what they need, how they need it and how long it requires, is different for every woman, and there are many many many variables that influence the likelihood of desire on any given day, not the least of which are hormones. And call me high maintenance if you must, but a little cleaning and cooking is not even close to what it takes to get me interested in sex if I am not already interested, but I'm more on the higher end of the libido spectrum anyways, so it usually just takes some flowery words and naked people.

[Noname123]

I don't know if I'm the odd one out but it's like a light switch for me- not necessarily triggered by anything I'll just be eating dinner and be like....Yep, ok, afternoon delight time. 

 

If I'm not in the mood Ryan Gosling on my doorstep with a dozen roses and a puppy wouldn't phase me

I can also see how rebuffed attempts are seen as harassing in nature and Waldo's point is that there is a way that works that is more detailed than "suck me beautiful."  He found the way and his relationship is stronger.

 

 But say the wrong thing and I'm out of there faster than Paula Deen could sign up for a butter convention. Funny story an ex in college trying to be funny actually said that (suck me beautiful) I laughed all the way back to my dorm. 

[Bekah]

"Husband performs bare minimum responsibilities without asking for a cookie" = "Wooing".

 

I am clearly out of touch. And old.

out of touch maybe...old, for sure

[Robpocalypse]

In my last image search The Googles compared me to a hot water heater. I decided to try a picture with my niece and I from the holidays.

First, myself and my niece Lillian:

 

When I consult Google it returns James Franco and Emma Roberts, which seems rather appropriate since we're both men posing with much younger women.  I'll take Franco over the hot water heater.

[Bekah]

I can see why it thought that was you, eyes,eyebrows, facial hair.

You and your niece are darling muuuuuch cuter than James Franco!!

[Silo]

In my last image search The Googles compared me to a hot water heater. I decided to try a picture with my niece and I from the holidays.

First, myself and my niece Lillian:

When I consult Google it returns James Franco and Emma Roberts, which seems rather appropriate since we're both men posing with much younger women. I'll take Franco over the hot water heater.

Wow, I really see the resemblance! Good job, Google. JF will always be Daniel Desario, the boy who I would have secretly crushed on from afar in high school should he have been real, to me.

[Silo]

"Husband performs bare minimum responsibilities without asking for a cookie" = "Wooing".

I am clearly out of touch. And old.

To be fair, those things could be more than the bare minimum depending on the couple. At our house if he cooks, I do dishes. If he takes homework duty, I take bath duty (which, btw, is my most hated parenting task.) So if I came home to a dinner that had been cooked and after eating it I was told "Honey, you go relax. I'm going to do the dishes and then get the kid ready for bed once I look over her homework," heck yeah I will see that as wooing.

More direct "hunting" is good as is even the scheduling that Waldo mentioned. My husband sent me a appointment request for a date last month and I sent him one back for a "night cap." Anything that keeps it fun, I think. I'd rather that than end up with the roll over in bed "hey you're here, I'm here, neither of us is wearing pants so..." thing. That would make it seem too much like "well you're a convenient body so why not?"

[Waldo]

Wow, quite a convo I sparked.

Yes, but hunting I meant wooing, with pretty much all of the above in the playbook. (Except for flowers, flowers are lame).

With the caveat about chores, that is a very, very bad path potentially. Been there done that. Doing everything day after day begging for sex, getting a scrap once every month or two. Often with the explicit instructions that if I do all the housework, we have sex, and then "nope, sorry, I have a headache" later. It is abuse pure plain and simple, and leaves your partner with the anger and mental aftermath of a person that has been abused. Almost just as bad is doing all the chores to turn her on, her being utterly oblivious to your efforts. Again, lots of anger, been there done that plenty.

The part of wooing is in the playbook, but it isn't used unless I already have very strong positive signals. And by strong positive signals I mean well, well above "you might get lucky". If she's putting on her yoga pants in front of me slowly, and in general extra flirty and responsive to other signals, she's getting some of her chores done for her.

But, she has to be made aware of the chase. I let her know what I plan to do later (sometimes in way too much detail, lol, but it can help, if I get a strong positive vibe, it can help to build a frenzy, if the vibe is weak, I can let her know something much more chill and quick is what I have in mind). But the I want sex later/tomorrow seed has to be planted; then it has to be nurtured with wooing.

Hugs/Kisses, cuddling, massages, chores, superdaddy, alone time for her, notes, compliments, little gifts, suggestive texts (or more direct), flirting, fancy dinners (I cook), thanking her for things, etc, it is all in the playbook.

Tying back into the body image point of this thread, compliments are important. Especially if they are real and well placed (eg, a good way is to pre-empt "do these jeans make me look fat" with "those jeans make your ass look amazing"). She is made well aware of the fact that I have the hots for her when I want sex.

It took me almost 15 years of being with her to figure out how to ask for sex in a manner that works (like multiple times a week works). For too many years the roll over in bed method was all I knew, needless to say many of those were "count on one hand" years. The thing is, I didn't know, she didn't either. She had no idea of why she had no interest in sex. There was lots of "throw crap at the wall, see what sticks" stuff, doing all the chores for her was one of those things.

[Bekah]

But the I want sex later/tomorrow seed has to be planted; then it has to be nurtured with wooing.Hugs/Kisses, cuddling, massages, chores, superdaddy, alone time for her, notes, compliments, little gifts, suggestive texts (or more direct), flirting, fancy dinners (I cook), thanking her for things, etc, it is all in the playbook.Tying back into the body image point of this thread, compliments are important. Especially if they are real and well placed (eg, a good way is to pre-empt "do these jeans make me look fat" with "those jeans make your ass look amazing"). She is made well aware of the fact that I have the hots for her when I want sex.It took me almost 15 years of being with her to figure out how to ask for sex in a manner that works (like multiple times a week works). For too many years the roll over in bed method was all I knew, needless to say many of those were "count on one hand" years. The thing is, I didn't know, she didn't either. She had no idea of why she had no interest in sex. There was lots of "throw crap at the wall, see what sticks" stuff, doing all the chores for her was one of those things.

all of this.

and yes, I had a nice post about how my body image prohibited me from feeling any sort of sexy, for decades...but I knew that if you showed interest, thats all it took. and that was easy....so even though I never felt sexy, It rarely stopped me from wanting sex if everything else was okay, but negativity...bah, I might as well not have sex organs then.

[alienjenn]

nothing turns me on more than a man who does the dishes (and other things around the house) without having to be asked.... 

 

taking my car to get the oil changed just because it's time... so I don't have to think about it (again without having to be asked....)

 

fixing stuff around the house without having to be asked....

 

 

 

 

 

 

disclaimer: I have never HAD a man who did those things.... but I am being totally honest here... were THAT man to be in a relationship with me.... he would be having sex daily if not more

[alienjenn]

screw flowers and chocolate... clean and fix stuff.... that's sexy yo

[Bekah]

screw flowers and chocolate... clean and fix stuff.... that's sexy yo

fixing shit and doing yardwork...yes, yes....oh and this is totally biologically cliche' but fighting (boxing, mma, karate etc. not bar brawls and shit)

and ROFL! This is turning into the "What women like about men" thread! THANKS WALDO

[SevenofSeven]

7 children! Any household chores done is equal to more time spent together after the chilluns are all tucked in. That was in the early days before chilluns turned into teenagers and their body clocks got all out of whack. So we get it when we can, spontaneous is good.

[hblyne]

Just because the mainstream media and cultural traditions present relationships and gender roles in a certain way, doesn't make them accurate. I think all people need the kind of wooing Waldo describes, people with low and high libidos, and every person will want and need different things. You can't make sweeping generalisations. I'd love to see the research that proves that there are more relationships with high libido man and low libido woman, and the studies showing that women start to want sex less after a few months. Back up your claims, please.

[Jittersthe.Clown]

In my last image search The Googles compared me to a hot water heater. I decided to try a picture with my niece and I from the holidays.

First, myself and my niece Lillian:

 

When I consult Google it returns James Franco and Emma Roberts, which seems rather appropriate since we're both men posing with much younger women.  I'll take Franco over the hot water heater.

A better comparison than a water heater for sure.  

I can see the resemblance to Franco, especially in the facial structure.  

 

[LadyGrey]

Yesterday some guy asked me if I was single...I was not interested in him, but it was rather nice to have someone express interest nonetheless

Way to go, Bekah!!!!   It's been a long time since anyone has done that for me, and they are far and few between. Except that ONE year I was skinny and getting asked out frequently. *sigh*  I am happily married but it does make u feel better about yourself when that happens.  But I am very happy for you! 

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Way to go, Bekah!!!!   It's been a long time since anyone has done that for me, and they re far and few between. Except that ONE year I was skinny and getting asked out frequently. *sigh*   I am happily married but it does make u feel better about yourself when that happens.  But I am very happy for you! 

I get asked if I'm single more by men than women these days.  It is a nice ego boost either way.  

[Frost of the Gloaming]

wooohoooo Bekah

 

I have to agree there isn't a one size fits all when it comes to sex, Not all men are horn dogs and not all women are cold fish.

[Waldo]

Just because the mainstream media and cultural traditions present relationships and gender roles in a certain way, doesn't make them accurate. I think all people need the kind of wooing Waldo describes, people with low and high libidos, and every person will want and need different things. You can't make sweeping generalisations. I'd love to see the research that proves that there are more relationships with high libido man and low libido woman, and the studies showing that women start to want sex less after a few months. Back up your claims, please.

Lol, taking this "need to see studies" thing waaaay to far. Some things don't get studied. To be studied there needs to be someone to pay for the studies, for someone to pay for the studies there needs to be an obvious need, lack of any moral issues, and/or a clear path to profit. In this instance there is very little financial incentive for 3rd parties, and our religious conservative dominated gov't certainly isn't paying for it.

It is no different than the fit trying to get fitter issue, or trying to permanently maintain fat loss. Lots of money flows to figure out how to make fat people slightly less fat. Specific potentially profitable aspects of diet and fitness for the fit trying to get fitter are studied, but by and large there are huge knowledge gaps when it comes to exercise and diet and maximizing fitness and sustaining success; noone has studied it and there is no money to. Anecdotal evidence is sad to say by far the best thing there is.

For example, it is unknown whether we can consciously manipulate our metabolism. Anecdotal evidence says that yes, we can. Science has provided a couple of scraps of maybe evidence in the last couple years that might point to the mechanism. But we're talking a handful of studies, and most of them are of the fat trying to get slightly less fat variety and are the basis for possible drug based solutions (where the $$$ came from). But the mechanism could very well have been discovered. But there is almost noone working to piece the evidence together. It is quite useful knowledge, however actual effort toward advancing it is minimal at best. And the knowledge void is populated by a lot of predators looking to make a buck.

Common knowledge is common knowledge for a reason.

For another fitness based example: people anecdotally worked out that protein intake is an important component to muscle growth at least going back to WW2. Science didn't prove this link until the 1970's, and even then there was enough to be skeptical about in the research even into the 80's and 90's, and there still is quite a bit of skepticism about anecdotal amounts. Most research on the subject is inappropriate for the case of the fit trying to get fitter (which continues to fuel skepticism), we know that training history plays a big role in response, and precious few studies are performed solely on people with a significant training history. After all this time and all the health research effort expended in this country, we still have no RDA for protein.

[Bekah]

I get asked if I'm single more by men than women these days. It is a nice ego boost either way.

I'd ask, but I already know the answer