I want to give up already [personality disorder, eating disorder, weight]

[Raven Rose]

I kind of don't know if anything will come from this - I don't really know anyone here.  But I really need to say something somewhere if only to get this out of my head. 

 

I joined NF academy a few months back when I was all fired up about getting back to the gym, having a job and a secure home after years of struggling, and when I was enthusiastically beginning CBT for my bulimia for what I fervently hope is the last time.  Right now, though, everything has tailed off. My gym habit has failed to bounce back after some time where I had to save all the spoons I had for a choral festival I was in, and the CBT is progressing. I am really getting somewhere with it for the first time but the result is that I'm no longer covering all the awful thoughts and emotions with disorder behaviours and so I'm just stuck with feeling how much I hate myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep pushing through that. I can see what my life will look like if I can push through it and I feel like I have collected more underpants than all the underpants gnomes put together, but it turns out the middle step is very difficult and very painful. I don't know how to handle that... I know it's with one step at a time, but I find it very hard to break it down to manageable size as I end up just berating myself for not being able to do it all at once and therefore being fat and lazy and stupid and awful &c &c. I'm so scared to try because I will probably fail, but if I don't try then I will fail by default.

 

I know this isn't something anyone else can do anything about. I think I just needed to say it somewhere. I'm scared to the point of paralysis but even typing it out is better than keeping it all locked away in my head.  I guess.

[Hyperion]

Do not give up. I'm bad at giving positive advice, but bulimia isn't effective way to lose fat. Emotional eating is a habit, it can be learned away and people less strong have done it. I have no clue on how to help with obsessions but we all have them. You will survive through this if you want to. And i know you do.

[Hyperion]

And thanks for the underpants gnome reference. I should go to bed and guess what is playing in my head?

[Cataleya]

I'm also about to start CBT again, though for anxiety. 

 

A lot of us suffer from perfectionism, and I think there are some good NF articles on the topic, one of which was posted a week ago:

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2016/08/18/the-biggest-enemy-youll-ever-face/

 

I always recommend this one to people too: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2016/07/14/the-deadpool-guide-to-self-love/

 

I dunno if those will help, but I do generally believe things will get better, as cliche as it sounds. We're here to listen to and support you!

[Raincloak]

Isn't the point of CBT to put those miserable thoughts in perspective, and ultimately replace them with positive thoughts?  Why not start that part now?  It's great that you are aware of your unhappy thoughts (that is the first step!), but you don't have to sit around focusing on them.  You can redirect your thoughts in a saner direction, and find other coping behaviors which are not harmful or compulsive.  You know, self-loving stuff like going for walks, taking bubble baths, calling a friend, coloring in a book, etc.

 

When you get a hateful thought, remind yourself "That self hate is an old delusion.  In reality, I am a fine, lovable person.  Let's review all the awesome things I did recently."  You could make a list of the many awesome things you've done, if you're keeping a journal (did your therapist talk about journals?)

[Raven Rose]

12 hours ago, Hyperion said:

Do not give up. I'm bad at giving positive advice, but bulimia isn't effective way to lose fat. Emotional eating is a habit, it can be learned away and people less strong have done it. I have no clue on how to help with obsessions but we all have them. You will survive through this if you want to. And i know you do.

 

Thank you.  You're right on all the above (except being bad at advice).  I do want to survive through it, I just have my feeling sorry for myself moments.  I'm already so much better than I was.

[Raven Rose]

8 hours ago, Cataleya said:

I'm also about to start CBT again, though for anxiety. 

 

A lot of us suffer from perfectionism, and I think there are some good NF articles on the topic, one of which was posted a week ago:

https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2016/08/18/the-biggest-enemy-youll-ever-face/

 

I always recommend this one to people too: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2016/07/14/the-deadpool-guide-to-self-love/

 

I dunno if those will help, but I do generally believe things will get better, as cliche as it sounds. We're here to listen to and support you!

 

Those are great, thanks.  Perfectionism is such a sod.  Thank you for replying - it does make it easier somehow to know I'm not the only one.  The root of my ED is a serious anxiety disorder, so there's a lot of crossover there.  I wish you the best with it

[Raven Rose]

6 hours ago, Raincloak said:

Isn't the point of CBT to put those miserable thoughts in perspective, and ultimately replace them with positive thoughts?  Why not start that part now?  It's great that you are aware of your unhappy thoughts (that is the first step!), but you don't have to sit around focusing on them.  You can redirect your thoughts in a saner direction, and find other coping behaviors which are not harmful or compulsive.  You know, self-loving stuff like going for walks, taking bubble baths, calling a friend, coloring in a book, etc.

 

When you get a hateful thought, remind yourself "That self hate is an old delusion.  In reality, I am a fine, lovable person.  Let's review all the awesome things I did recently."  You could make a list of the many awesome things you've done, if you're keeping a journal (did your therapist talk about journals?)

 

The journalling thing is a good idea, I live by my bullet journal so I'll look at putting in a list of personal awesomeness.

 

The ultimate aim with the CBT is to be able to reach that perspective on things but it's very hard work.  My danger points are in the evening (I posted the above just before bed) when I'm trying to wind down and the thoughts I've been trying to work around all day without squashing them with ED habits are still there being noisy.  It will pass and I know that I will learn to give them less strength and more challenges, but I've been thinking this way from the age of 5 or 6, so the thought processes are deeply entrenched.

 

All that said, I never got this far down the road to recovery before.  It would be bloody stupid to give up now.

 

(Also yay for colouring books - my fiancé gave me a Star Wars therapeutic colouring book for my birthday and I LOVE it.)

[Darth Yoga]

My main struggle is with depression plus some anxiety. I'm at a point now where I feel like I've got the CBT-type stuff really solidly integrated, and I want to assure you that it makes an enormous difference. I don't think years ago I could have imagined being able too handle things this well - calmly, mindfully, compassionately.

I just automatically respond to symptoms of the anxiety and depression by recognizing it for what it is, taking steps to address it, and moving on. I've almost completely gotten rid of the negative self-talk, blame, and guilt, that for me that was 90% of the problem. I'm not telling myself stories about how useless I am. Without all that garbage, managing the anxiety is a lot more like managing asthma attacks. I know what triggers it, what to do, etc.

So I just wanted to say, stick with it!

Sent from my VS415PP using Tapatalk

[Hyperion]

I too suffer from depression time to time. I'm also a perfectionist. Although i've learned to use it as a power source to achieve things. everyone feels like flushing themselves down the drain every once in a while. There is just no need to be sorry about anything

[Jittersthe.Clown]

You got this, Raven.  You are in good company with NF.  We support each other and if you fail once, we still have your back.  Fail twice; we've got your back.  Fail 3,409 times; we've got your back.  Keep at it and take things one day at a time.  I offer myself up as a listening ear and someone who can give dangerously under-qualified advice.

 

 

And gifs.  I got the gifs. 

[Mitchilich]

Raven Rose;

 

Your post is very timely for me, as I am feeling a lot of similar things.  I saw it right after I made my respawn post.  Lucky for me that you posted what you did, because I found those two articles someone linked above, and ended up finding Amy Clover's website, and she seems like she has some good tools for those (of us) with mental issues.

 

You're awesome.  Thanks for saying something.  You've helped me.